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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Untitled

49 replies

Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:19

Dp's DS2 is 14 he has not ever been overly excited about seeing dp since I have known him. We last saw him on 19-20th september during which time he muttered maybe 50 words and they were..

Are you renting this home or did you buy it?

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest.

Oh you have a ps3

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh K has a ferarri bed

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh Z has a load of new toys

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

When did you buy V (me) a new camera

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

He only visited as I had kept on at dp as it was my ds2's 1st birthday.

OOppss should explain DP has 2 ds's from previous relationship, I have ds1 from previous and ds2 with dp.

He didn't bring a card for ds2 which i thought was nasty???

Anyway when dp took him home and came back I said to him whats the bet that dss doesn't contact you until he wants something...so far no contact and never in when dp calls.

Now a month on DP is wanting to take him on holiday with us and I have put my foot down.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 24/10/2008 22:21

YABU because the situation won't get better until you try. you are the adult.

JodieO · 24/10/2008 22:24

I don't think that a 14 year old boy not bringing a card for a 1 year old's birthday is nasty at all. He's a child still and he's your partner's child; how would you feel if someone was speaking about your dc in that way when he's older? Try and imagine it that way rather than as him as the outsider, which is how you come across.

Tinkywinks · 24/10/2008 22:34

For whatever reason he obviously does not have a good relationship with his dad. No 14 doesn't WANT a good relationship with their father. It sounds like the mum is behind a lot of this, probably doesn't help by poisoning his mind.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:34

Ok maybe I should have explained better, I am always the one encouraging the visits etc BUT i do take offence when dss doesn't want to visit unless we take him to a theme park.

It cost us £100+ for chessington a few months ago because he demanded we went. I had to put my foot down after this because dp is currently out of work as he has been made redundant.

I am also the one tries my best to include him in things like a day out to the country, fishing etc BUT again he says no as he wants to go thorpe park, chessington, or various other places.

OP posts:
Tinkywinks · 24/10/2008 22:35

I meant no 14 YEAR OLD doesn't want a good realtionship etc

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:36

Tinky there is a lot of anger on her part. They split after 22yrs 3 yrs before i met him. Now she has the hump as we have a baby and he is bringing ds1 up as his own.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 24/10/2008 22:38

he's 14!

My 16 year old nephew will barely speak to even people in the same room at the moment and has doesn't have divorced parents and sevral half sibling/step sibling to share his mum/dad with. Cut him some slack.

Tinkywinks · 24/10/2008 22:38

It still sounds as though something is wrong with his relationship with his dad, if he can't enjoy a nice family day and feels the only way he'd have a good time is to go on roller coasters.

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:38

Kew he doesn't have several half siblings 1 half brother and a step brother.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 24/10/2008 22:39

but obviously don't spend money you don't have. Isn;t there anything he wants to do that costs £5?! (couldn;t his dad him to the cinema?)

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:40

Tink you are probably right about her having a lot to do with it. She has the hump because instead of us buying his uniform and new shoes EVERY holiday, we give him £100 a month.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 24/10/2008 22:40

Ok 2 then (is it relevant whether there are 2, 3 or 4?)

Just making the point that some adolescents(like my nephew) are uncommunicative and difficult and that without other complications.

Tinkywinks · 24/10/2008 22:40

I think the combination of his mum, who if she is really angry is more than likely going to be saying all sorts to him, the fact that he is just a stroppy teenager and maybe also feels hurt that his dad isn't at home could all be contributing. How does HE feel about going on holiday?

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:40

Kew dss won't go unless I am there with ds1 and ds2. We have tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:42

Kew they have been apart almost 5 yrs, but i must say dss is very immature emotionally more 10 than almost 15.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 24/10/2008 22:42

£1200 aq year should surely buy enough shcool unifmrasnsheos shouldnt it- what does it matter if the money comes every month or each holiday. If she prefers keep the money until teh holiday and spendup to your budget then instead.

UncleHester · 24/10/2008 22:42

I'm with Kewcumber. He sounds like a totally typical 14 year old boy to me. I know it must be hard - 14 year old boys are not over-lovable - but try to remember back to how hard it was to be that age, and find a bit of compassion for him.

Kewcumber · 24/10/2008 22:43

isn;t it nice that he wants you all there though? Family film instead?

I think I may be missing the point here.

Cheesesarnie · 24/10/2008 22:43

still think yabu on this thread.the boys 14!

Kewcumber · 24/10/2008 22:44

my ex's parenssplit at a similar age. It's tough for achild. My parents split when I was an adult- that was bloody tough enough.

chipmonkey · 24/10/2008 22:45

my own ds1 is 12, it wouldn't occur to him to buy a birthday card for anybody without prompting and I can't see that situation improving dramatically in the next 2 years either! He is only a kid even though to you, he might appear to be a lot older than your ds's

PortofinoPumpkin · 24/10/2008 22:45

Probably a lot more to do with him being 14 than anything else. I was brought up by granparents when my mother died. Plan was that we went back to my dad when we old enough to come home from school by ourselves (say 12). My dad at that point lived in the deepest countryside. We did not move. I hate to say it, and I love my Dad, bit it was INCONVENIENT. Teenageers are extremely self centred.

Kewcumber · 24/10/2008 22:46

"doesn't contact you until he wants something" - actually now I cometo think ofit I think my mum said something startlingly similar about me

Original poster
Theladyevenstar · 24/10/2008 22:46

Ok yes he is 14 but respect doesn;t cost anything, I try to include him in everything. I invite him on days out always have done and when dp was working nights he would stay with me until dp got home. I would collect him take him back home etc. What more can i do

OP posts:
dreamaway · 24/10/2008 22:47

14 year old boys do not communicate well at the best of times, he may well feel awkward around you.
Don't you think he might want to spend quality time with his dad on his own - one to one???

It is not his responsibility to keep contact with your dp, he is a child, DP needs to keep at it and try to establish some kind of relationship with his son. You need to accept him as DP's son and not, as jodie says..an outsider.