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[Theladyevenstar]

Dp's DS2 is 14 he has not ever been overly excited about seeing dp since I have known him. We last saw him on 19-20th september during which time he muttered maybe 50 words and they were..

Are you renting this home or did you buy it?

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest.

Oh you have a ps3

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh K has a ferarri bed

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

Oh Z has a load of new toys

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

When did you buy V (me) a new camera

Followed by a txt to mummy dearest

He only visited as I had kept on at dp as it was my ds2's 1st birthday.

OOppss should explain DP has 2 ds's from previous relationship, I have ds1 from previous and ds2 with dp.

He didn't bring a card for ds2 which i thought was nasty???

Anyway when dp took him home and came back I said to him whats the bet that dss doesn't contact you until he wants something...so far no contact and never in when dp calls.

Now a month on DP is wanting to take him on holiday with us and I have put my foot down.

my ds - almost 14 - didnt get a card for me!!

and of course he is going to try the thorpe park root

dream dss wants me there, I would stay away if wanted but when dp says lets go out me and you he asks for me to come or he won't go.

and I don't see him as an outsider quite the opposite in fact

Sorry but he sounds like a normal 14 yr old. Your DP will have to do the running I am afraid. OK so not the holiday if you are so tight for money atm but how about another weekend at yours? Bonfire night at a big display? etc Could you let him bring a friend?

I think he's pointing out all the stuff your dp has bought for his ds2 because to him it represents his dad caring more about his ds2 than him. It's childish but he is a child really and not really capable of seeing things from another point of view. AS far as he's concerned his dad has left him and is pouring all his money and time into a new son.

Sorry this thread took off whilst i was replying to the first three posts now i have managed to catch up i see the bigger picture

"What more can i do" nothing but keepdoing what you are doing. Teenage years are difficult for some they start to look like adults but their brains revert to toddler status (I think there is actually some evidence for this somewhere).

He may be irritaing but you and your Dh haeto persevere. HE will learn respect fromthe way you treat him despite hisbehavior and he will look back in a few years and take his hat off to how well you behaved towards him... unless you relationaship has irretrievably broken down by then because you willnot treat him thesameas his siblings because he doesn;t behavethe way you want himto.

WOuld you leave one of your DS's out of a family holiday if they behaved the same way?

What more can you do - keep on trying, and trying, and trying. You're in this for the long haul. He is 14 - he may not emerge into civilised maturity for a while yet. (And I had to laugh at 'respect doesn't cost anything' - how many of our mums have said that about us?!)

I'm not a stepparent (though I've had one) but I can imagine how tough this is for you. But you wouldn't give up on your own child, would you? The consequences of giving up on him are pretty dire (not least for your own kids - he is their brother) so I suppose it's about finding ways of keeping yourself resourced and supported, because a teenage boy is not going to be rewarding you for your efforts any time soon.

Kew difference is my ds1 who is 10 has been brought up very differently. He has had days out in places that were free or cost little. DPs ex goes on to me about how hard it is as a single parent and trying to buy all the name brands in clothes shoes and trainers....... hmmm I did it for 7 yrs so I don't need telling lol.

And no I wouldn't leave him behind but then he doesn't always expect something for visiting family whereas dss always does if not a day out a game for wii or xbox 360. We just can't afford it.

Theladyevenstar on Fri 24-Oct-08 22:42:16
"Kew they have been apart almost 5 yrs, but i must say dss is very immature emotionally more 10 than almost 15. "

Imho most 14yos are more emotionally immature than most 10yos. Something called hormones, does strange things to your brain.

I understand your difficulties, but can you guarantee that neither of your sons will go through a grouchy stage in their teens. Or if they do, are quite happy for your dp to give up on them and refuse to include them in family holidays?

the point is we keep trying to make contact but unless there is money involved ot falls on deaf ears. We can only keep trying but on the othr hand he has to realise he cannot demand things just cos dp and ex split up.

Yes, I think you have to start treating him more like your own ds's; otoh you won't give up on him otoh you won't give in to him all the time.

'They have been apart almost 5 yrs, but i must say dss is very immature emotionally more 10 than almost 15.'.

So emotionally he is at the same place he was 5 years ago, at the time of the split? He sounds very confused to me and not a little lost?

I'm sorry but I think YABU, having read the thread, I can see you try and have tried with him, but when things get bad that doesn't mean you stop trying...YOU TRY HARDER...isn't that what parents do?
I can understand your frustration that he seems to be asking for expensive gifts/treats at every opportunity but hrm don't all kids try it on for stuff in one way or another? It may just appear more amplified in him as you rarely see him...
Also what did his dad do when he first split from his x? Did he try and over compensate and spoil his kids a bit? Doing something super fun every time he saw them? Is this a taught behaviour?
I appreciate that it's tough for you, emotionally and financially, but look at it from your ss POV. He 'looses' his dad to 2 other kids...he see's these kids with nice stuff, it's not fair! How ever hard you try it won't ever be fair, he can't ever be given enough to 'compensate' for this...all you can do is show him respect and UNCONDITIONAL love, just as your DP does for your DS1 and keep trying for improvement. Keep parenting him and try and teach him that love does not equate to money. Oh and be flattered that he wants you and his brothers around, that is testament to you...don't hold your breath for conversation for about another 10 years though! 24 may just do it!
I wish you luck!

um, i have not given up on him, if i were tbh it is dp who has done so and I have pushed him to see dss, why?? because ds1 has not seen or heard from his father in 3 yrs. SO i know what affect it has on the children who have no contact. This is why I continue to encourage dp to see dss BUT it has to be without the payment/bribe

Just read your other thread too, it's not really suprising that a 14 year old would rather play with lego than attend a 1st birthday...what did your ds1 say at ds2's birthday...did he go and buy a card for his bro on his own? You don't seem upset that he was playing with lego, nor your nephews...following your comment surely they were wrong too! The fact that ss came to you to show you models is lovely, he is looking for your approval, i'm concerned that you seem resentful of his need for praise...maybe its just the post and the way it reads...i'm sorry if i read it wrong...but it seems he did nothing different to your ds1 and dn!
The fact that he sleeps in his mums bed at 14 is concerning...a bit that she lets him, but more so that he feels the need to, how unsettled must he be?!
This kid needs love not criticism.

I totally agree, it HAS to be without pay ment and bribe, but this is down to time and parenting...it won't happen overnight, it might not happen at all, but would you forgive yourself if you didn't try? I doubt it.
As for 3 years ...slap your husband on the back of the head! In the nicest possible way! Thats alot of time to make up for, it's good that you are pushing him to ride out the storm with his son, can you perhaps put it to your dh that if he is capable of walking away from ds2, wheres your reassurance that he won't do the same to ds3 and his dss (ie yours - sorry getting bit confused!) Alot of Men like to take the easy route, and thats not parenthood...
All I'm trying to say is that however hard you have tried, and I am sure you have, you have to try harder, as for your DH 'a baby is for life, not just for xmas!'.

Um, my ds1 is only 10 and does not go to shops alone, Instead he used my card making kits to make a card.

Dss was playing with my ds1's lego when ds1 got home with my mum (he had stayed with her the friday night).

I did tell my ds1 about the lego on the day, as for my nephews they followed the older one. being dss.

the person who hasn't seen his father for 3yrs is my ds1 not dss, so don't think dp will appreciate a slap for that lol.

Lol the slap may be a bit harsh in that case! Apologies to your DH! Maybe he could pass it on to your X tho!
What I meant about the card was, did your ds do it without prompting? Say mummy, I want to make a card, or will you buy me a card for db...without seeing you buying cards, planning b'day? I'd be hugely impressed if he did...
I can appreciate your frustration at the lack of card, interest in lego, lack of socialising...things did not go as you planned or wanted...happy families with all kids playing together and sitting side by side is the nicest picture. Unintiated selfless expressions of love are ideal, but try and limit your expectations of your ss.
He's a hormonal teenager, most are by deffinition horrible...he's out of his safety zone, at a party that is probably quite hard for him to deal with...under the same circumstances wouldn't you rather sit in a room alone, doing something you enjoy, and going occaisionally to someone you trust for approval?
Try looking at it this way, he actually came, it wasn't thorpe park! he was not disruptive (as far as I know), he got on and did something he enjoyed, and played with his sb and cousins, and he showed his face from time to time, coming to you, who it seems was his safety net in this situation, for approval...
He may have found it very hard to know what was the right thing to do...he doesn't have a great relationship with his dad...how many of 'his' people were there, did he really feel wanted...heck who knows what his mum says to him, does he have guilt for just being there...I'm not saying you could have made it easier for him, what I am saying though was maybe he was doing the best he could, in his circumstances, that you can only half understand...
You have to let the negative stuff go and focus on the positive, and try to keep improving the positive, noones perferct, just as you can only do what you can do, so can he, at least you have a lot more years of experience than he does!
As for the card..forget it, it's just a materialistic token...kinda like a ps2 game , he was there, thats what matters.

YABU

What's all this mummy dearest shite about then?

I've just had a catch up on the other thread on the same topic and am struck that you seem to have fairly different attitudes on both, your comments on that thread about your step son are really harsh, here you seem to care...in reality you prob feel a bit of both, but maybe he senses that more than you think
At a glance, it seems that your ds1 has had 2 new beds since you met dp and dss, bunk beds and then a ferrari! How must this look to your dss? Thats alot of stuff, that HIS dad has got YOUR son (not saying that but surely thats how it would feel to ss) and your ds gets HIS dad ALL the time! There was a bunk bed, a space for him, you got rid of that and gave him an air mattress...I'm twice your ss's age and would feel hurt by that!
...let him sleep in your son's bed...he's the visitor, give him a treat...or even better, what happened to the bunk beds? Can't they share...your ds and dss are equals, they are brothers, they should have the same!
He wets the bed, get a mattress protector and deal with it, you said that your dp treats your son as his own, well do the same for your ss...washing his soiled sheets, shouldn't be a hassle for you, be concerned that YOUR 14 year old wets the bed, thats the worry here, not extra laundry!
I don't mean to lecture, I'm sorry, but on the one hand you do seem to care, but then say really harsh stuff...maybe its just a bad day with a poorly baby thats done it...I hope you get some sleep and bubs is better soon!

Um, I have known him since he was 11,comig up to 12 and until last year we got on really the thing that changed it was him visiting upon my request AGAIN after I had had ds2. Ds1 and dss were playing and dss smacked ds1 for doing something he decided was naughty and playing his guitar (ds1's) I told him he had no right to do this as he was a child as well and since then he hasn't wanted to visit without payment of some kind.

He admitted he had hit ds1 on other occassions including after a family holiday I insisted dss came on to eurodisney, he wanted to go home the day we came back but it was late and dp said he would take him in the morning so dss hit ds1. Realise here dss is 6ft 2" and ds1 is 4ft 5" so a huge difference. Yes I know they are both children but i have to protect my ds1 and not allow dss to hit him because he was sulking.

As for the bed thing, the bunk beds were second hand as I paid for them out of my own money and could not afford the prices of new ones.

I love him dearly but because I won't allow him to bully ds1 he takes offence at it. Just a few months ago he stood in front of ds2 who was then 9m old trying to punch him and when I pulled him up on this he got the hump and said "But its not fair I want him to play fight with me"

He is a nice boy but very young for his age, we have to treat him with id gloves as he is easily upset. I am not used to this as my ds1 is the opposite

DS1 did ask to make ds2 a card without prompting i guess I am lucky.

As for the messing I don't mean wetting himself I mean he poo's himself when he wants something and can't have it, His mother told me he has always been the same can't get his own way he poos himself.

I hope I have explained things better now as I was shattered last night as ds2 has a chest infection and had not slept the night before.

Thelady, I hope your ds2 is better today and you managed to get some sleep...
Again, I can see your frustration, hitting is wrong, he's 14 he should know better...but that requires parenting. He seems v.young for his age, some of his behaviours seem v. worrying, but to me that means he needs more love and support, not less...if he needs help his parents have to be the ones to offer it, and you are now his parent...
You can't be expected to instinctively love a child that you've known for 3 years in the same way that you love children that you've carried and raised...but you have to try to...
For me it still all comes down to a kid that needs help...I do think you've made some bad decissions, (we all do) it doesnt matter who bought the bunk bed, whether it was new or second hand...can't you put yourself in your dss's shoes and see how it could look to him?
If he poos, he poos...help him, dont punnish him...get to the bottom of the problem...if you ignore it, avoid it and exclude him because of it, it will only get worse...
What would you think if it was your ds2 in his shoes?...