Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to send daughter to grandma's as a punishment??

57 replies

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:22

Basically have 3 girls and the middle one is being a real pain at the moment - she's verbally nasty to her little sister who worships her and she has also been swearing alot and always in a strop over one thing or another. We live fairly close to hubby's family and I have suggested to him that we send middle daughter to his mum's for the week (half term) as I just want her out of my face for the time being as I am likely to really lose my temper with her if her attitude doesn't get any better. Hubby thinks I'm being unreasonable - not about her behaviour but that I should consider making his mum suffer her. I said that I thought it was a good idea because his mum will be strict with her and she'll be away from her sisters - the eldest who also doesn't get along with the youngest child and so when the two of them get together being horrible to her it is really awful. Also middle child doesn't really like staying with this grandma so it removes her from a potentially explosive situation over half term, gives her time away from her sistsers which she may appreciate a little more when she returns and it wouldn't be a treat for her - in the past I've sent the eldest to hubby's mum because of the relationship with her youngest sister but as she has a great relationship with grandma it's been a treat for her. I know that if I sent eldest daughter again then middle daughter will probably be nice to her little sister again as she'll want a playmate but I really think she needs a time out and with her out of the way force the other two to get along. So am I being unreasonable to want to do this or should I just keep shouting at her all half term??

OP posts:

batters · 23/10/2008 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:39

I do find it hard to be strict with her actually. She just ignores me and I end up shouting and getting really angry which then makes me feel a terrible mother.

OP posts:

pingping · 23/10/2008 16:39

Why wont she have your little DD

Ummm maybe you should keep them together and deal with the sitution when it happens I am guessing you are an Adult and these are Children your talking about.

If they pick on your little DD punish them at home

Kids will be kids and they will always argue and fight I grew up with 4 Sisters I was the middle child and only fought with my eldests as she thought she was the boss as she was older but I was tougher lol.

WigWamBam · 23/10/2008 16:40

On Citalopram or not, this is not a good idea. Many of us are on Citalopram but still manage to look after our children - even when they're being a pain.

Packing her off to her grandma as a punishment will just give her even more cause for resenting you which will probably mean she behaves even worse when she gets back. Her grandma will resent you for it too; grandmas aren't meant to be seen as punishments, they are there for the nicer things.

What about trying somewhere like HomeStart? You might find them helpful.

OrmIrian · 23/10/2008 16:40

Agree herbietea.

My DD is the middle one and she can be quite 'difficult' at times. She responds to more loving treatment and more attention best of all. Send the oldest perhaps if you want to do this. If she enjoys it.

mabanana · 23/10/2008 16:41

(pedantic point: I meant to type responsive TO, not responsive for)

Get off Mumsnet for a bit, log onto Amazon and buy a copy of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen SO Kids Will Talk. It's a brilliant book and I think could really help you.

pingping · 23/10/2008 16:41

Silvercrown Why not one night next week take out your Middle DD for dinner and spend some quality time with her.

GylesBandwidth · 23/10/2008 16:44

Maybe you could improve your relationship with DD2 by finding a weekly activity that you could do together?

Or even just taking her to a bookshop, and letting her choose a new book for you to cuddle up and read together.

I really think you need to tackle the issues with your DD2 by drawing her closer, rather than sending her away.

Original poster

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:45

batters - Well actually with dd2 out of the picture they do get along better - not great but will actually play together. The problem between them is mostly because they both adore dd2 and want her all to themselves. She is very good at manipulating them.

Mabanna - We worried about middle child syndrome with dd2 but she actually seems to love her position in the family as like I said to Batters - she really manipulates her siblings. Her behaviour is very recently become worse and I could put it down to the move except that she seems to have settled really well and has made lots of friends and loves the extra freedom she has - if anything that is probably the problem - I've let her have some freedom whereas before I was more a contton-wool mother - I would never let them out of the garden and certainly never out of the house to the park without me - now she can go out with friends and play in the cul de sacs and I think she's getting too big for her boots.

OP posts:

Original poster

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:47

The worst behavior comes out when DD3 (5) has her friends round - which she has tonight. As soon as DD2 walked in her and DD1 started complaining about little one having her friends round and then a few minutes later DD2 called them fucking bitches to their faces. They are both 5 years old and I lost it and just wanted her out of the way.

OP posts:

pingping · 23/10/2008 16:50

How old is she? SilverCrown do you have any kind of punishments set in I wouldnt stand for her speaking to your other DD like that espeically if the younger DD adores her as you may see Little DD copy cat her sister.

gingerninja · 23/10/2008 16:52

I don't think you should use staying with a family member as punishment. You may need to send her to her GM in the future but the relationship would be damaged if she saw it as punishment.

What about them all going to GM as a treat for a couple of days to give you the energy to cope with the rest of the week.

Can you plan lots of activities that keep them all out of mischief and happy?

Original poster

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 16:54

She's 9. I've never really had to punish her before because it's only the last couple of weeks her behaviour has changed. I hate being reducing to a screaming bandshee. I certainly don't think 5 minutes on a naughty step is a good enough punishment for the swearing and I'm not going to take her out for a treat to work on our relationship because then she'll think this sort of behaviour gets rewards.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 23/10/2008 16:56

She is crying out for your attention - and even negative attention is better than no attention at all, so she kicks off because she knows it will get her that attention. That's why she needs some quality time with you - so that she feels she's as important to you as your other daughters are.

pingping · 23/10/2008 16:59

Then dont reduce to that. You need to lay down the law now before it gets worse.

If she is swearing and hurting her Little sister put her on Timeout.

Silvercrown when she said this to your DD what did you do?

Original poster

silvercrown · 23/10/2008 17:00

shouted at her and sent her to her room.

OP posts:

pingping · 23/10/2008 17:20

and how does she respond to that?

What you need to do is stop shouting at her as thats giving her bad attention and when she misbehaves calmly tell her that you will not put up with it and send her to her room or the step and let her sit there and sulk

Not only will you remain relaxed but maybe she see that being Naughtey dont get her no where

I feel for you though maybe send her to her Grandma's for the day but not as a punishment more of a break. :-D

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/10/2008 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrownSuga · 23/10/2008 17:35

silvercrown has said that DD2 and DD3 are very close to her, hence the reason the MIL will only have DD1

anotherdesperatehousewife · 23/10/2008 17:36

No I am incredibly close to DD2 and DD3.

CatMandu · 23/10/2008 17:39

Time out only works if time in is worth staying in for.

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/10/2008 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lauriefairycake · 23/10/2008 17:54

she needs more attention, not less

and yes, she deserves treats, lots of praise, lots of special time with you.

She also needs punishments to be quick and for you to let it go afterwards. You are not letting it go afterwards, you are bearing a grudge by not taking her out for treats when the punishment is over.

Guadalupe · 23/10/2008 18:09

I'm afraid I have a middle dd who is by far the hardest work and the most rude and has the most attitude etc etc, but I find, as hard as I find it, she benefits from more of my attention rather than less and in turn behaves better.

It is tricky to see the situation clearly when the day is one big shout but its not just about her seeing more attention as a reward. If you give her less attention as a punishment this could breed terrible resentment and make your life much worse. You can't keep sending her away.

Sounds like you are at a crisis point with her and this could be a good thing. You have to actively improve your relationship and this will be hard because you won't feel like being extra nice to her. Someone has to start though, and you are the adult with a view of the bigger picture.

Couldn't she have a day or night with grandma and it be a treat?

duckyfuzz · 23/10/2008 18:21

it sounds like you need to spend a day or two with dd2, get grandma to have the other 2 if she will, yu build some bridges with the middle one, shop, have lunch, make her feel special

Flip

1 2 3