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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told this woman what her DH is like.

29 replies

Mum2OliverJames · 22/10/2008 15:53

I feel SOOOO guilty ATM

i have been going on this website and talking to people and everynow and then it wants you to invite your friends goes through your email contact list, which i dont mind because it is a social networking type website.

It invited my contacts today and this girl came up saying she was already a member and it sent a friend request to her, when she accepted i looked in her profile and realised that her DH is this guy i have been speaking to on msn who had told me that he was single and although he had kids he wasnt with the mother.

He had made it clear in these conversations that he wanted to meet up for sex as he only lives 12 miles away from me but i told him that i wasnt looking for that sort of thing and told him i had just come out of a nasty relationship, he then went on to try and tell em that i was exactly what he wanted.

he then went on to ask if i wanted to see his willy to which i replied i didnt but after trying to talk me into saying yes he just lowered the web cam and got himself off right in front of me , i was absolutly gobsmacked, and i know this sounds stupid but at the time i thought it would be rude to close the window (dont ask, i just felt like i couldnt just be rude)afterwards i blocked him on MSN and havent spoken to him since although he has sent me messages!

so after looking at her profile and seeing a pic of her DH i wrote her an email telling her exactly what happened and that if i had been up for sex he probably would have done and may have with omeone else!

at the time it felt like the right thing to do because i would have wanted to know if it was my DH (if i had one) but now i just feel really guilty and for her, i could have just broken up her family god i feel like such a bitch

do you think i should have just kept my nose out? or should i send her a message saying 'only joking' i dont know what to do???

i would have wanted to know but it doesnt mean she would have

OP posts:

BroccoliSpearedThroughTheHead · 22/10/2008 15:57

Sorry but lol at being too polite to close the window after he waves his todger unbidden at you.

RubyShivers · 22/10/2008 15:59

you SENT the email already

well, there is no going back from that is there?

what sort of networking site was it?

how well do you know this woman?

LittleMyDancingWithTheDevil · 22/10/2008 16:00

Oh you poor thing what a dreadful thing to happen! Whatever you do don't send her a conflicting message like 'only joking', that will make her completely confused and angry.

It's a really tough one, but basically either:

she knows what her DH is like and this will be no surprise
she suspects and this will be some evidence for her
she won't believe you
it'll be a complete shock

You did the thing you thought was right at the time - yes, you may have caused problems in their relationship by telling, but they're problems OF HIS OWN MAKING.

You didn't have an affair with him, you didn't encourage a married man, he violated your privacy and did something pretty vile and disgusting. If his marriage breaks up he really only has himself to blame, not you.

So yes, it is horrid to think of causing someone pain, but you have nothing to blame yourself for.

unavailable · 22/10/2008 16:01

Gosh, I hope it isnt a case of mistaken identity!
I would change social networking sites to something less downmarket

Original poster

Mum2OliverJames · 22/10/2008 16:12

I dont know this woman at all, i just felt like i couldn't just let her be emotionally cheated on like that

OP posts:

Original poster

Mum2OliverJames · 22/10/2008 16:14

she has just sent me a message saying thank you and that she believes me

its not a case of mistaken identity, there are pics of her and her DH saying that it is her and her husband, the same guy that was sat in front of webcam, he is also in her top frinds.

OP posts:

dittany · 22/10/2008 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boobalina · 22/10/2008 16:23

I think you did the right thing. Faced with a similar scenario I would like someone to tell me if my husband was waving his cock about to alk nd sundry on the interweb!

Yes it will cause heartache in the interim but then hopeful and life time of happiness that she didnt waste a second more of her life with a low-life tosser.

(gets off soap box)

ggglimpopo · 22/10/2008 16:26

Poor woman. I think you did the right thing.

Wanker.

Boobalina · 22/10/2008 16:38

He literally is a wanker

(hits cymbals)

BloodRedTulips · 22/10/2008 16:47

you did the right thing, think how horrendous she'd feel if she found out down the line and found out that people she knew knew what he was doing and just said nothing and felt sorry for her.

there are very few women who wouldn't want to know something like that so chances are she'll appreciate what you did and understand your intentions were only good.

sorry you've had to make such a shitty decision though, good for you for taking the right option even though it was harder.

(btw, i did rofl at 'too polite to close the window' as well, how very british of you )

wannaBe · 22/10/2008 16:58

there's no easy way to tell someone something like this and equally there's no easy way to find out something like this.

Imagine if you hadn't told her and she'd found out that you were one of the people he's been talking to (and i'd bet money you're not the only one).

You did the right thing, and you haven't split up a family, he has.

fizzpops · 22/10/2008 17:05

at Boobalina

And the wife's response was very British too.

Is very though.

eekamoose · 22/10/2008 17:08

Perhaps she knows he is on that website?
Perhaps they have an open relationship?
Perhaps they are swingers?
Perhaps she is just as much of an exhibitionist as him?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 22/10/2008 17:14

In cases when I'm not sure if I should tell people something I always ask myself if I would want to be told. And lets face it in this situation you would want to know wouldn't you.

You did the right thing imo.

Original poster

Mum2OliverJames · 22/10/2008 18:23

Thats my opinion too SheSells, with my last DP i always suspected he had 'cheated' online (i caught him once but could never prove it again) i thought that i would have wanted to have been told the truth rather than convincing myself that he had learnt his lesson and i was just being paranoid

This is not the first time it has happened either, just last month i had to tell this lovely woman that her DP had been trying to chat me up (but yet again i had blocked him), but last time it was the gf who emailed me asking how do you know my DP. (she then hacked into his accounts and realsied he had over 200 female 'friends' that he had told he has falling for etc etc and was arranging to even meet up with one of them.

OP posts:

Neeerly3 · 22/10/2008 18:27

if you didn't know her, how come she was in your contacts to send her a mail inviting her on?

Original poster

Mum2OliverJames · 22/10/2008 18:34

thats why i wondered who the hell it was??

They must share an email address because her account for this website was attached to the email address i had spoken to him on.

i had seen her surname (which the email address had in) and thought i recognised it and then looked in her profile and she had the same pic as the one he uses for his profile and then i realised what must have happened.

he has now changed his account to say married but when i spoke to him it definately said single!

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 22/10/2008 18:37

you did the right thing even if she already knew and was happy with it.

Concentrate on you now - and you definitely need to think about thinking it impolite to close the window while he wanked at you - that's taking people-pleasing a bit far.....

wehaveallbeenthere · 22/10/2008 18:40

Don't feel guilty. You should have plugged his "peep" show into the local police network.
You say he only lives 12 miles from you? I hope he doesn't know where you live or what you look like. Maybe she will confront him with your email address as proof.
I feel frightened for both you and her. He sounds rather...not all there IYKWIM.
You did the right thing but you may have opened a Pandora's box. "No good deed goes unpunished."

Original poster

Mum2OliverJames · 22/10/2008 18:47

OMG i hadnt even considered that, i had thought that maybe he might hassle me for doing it on the internet but i can cope with that. He knows what i look like and although he doesnt know exactly where i live he does know what town!

he did seem a bit rough though, thats why i was trying to convince him that he wasnt looking for the same thing.

i am worried now.

he did say he didnt drive so the only way here would be on the hourly bus but then he did say that he was single so who knows what is BS and what isnt??

OP posts:

wehaveallbeenthere · 22/10/2008 18:54

Well, hopefully you kept the emails and other. I would make it very clear (crystal) that you are not accepting emails or other contact with him.
If he persists after that then I would notify the police. Keep any emails or other contact (even civil contact) but make it clear that you don't want him contacting you.
At least that way you have a record and a recourse if something goes awry.

Horton · 22/10/2008 18:57

You did the right thing. If that was my husband of course I would want to know, horrible though it would be. God, what a low-life.

wehaveallbeenthere · 22/10/2008 18:59

I wouldn't worry. It sounds as if you probably aren't the only apple of his eye. He has obviously done this before.
If you have his name though and description you can always do some sleuthing through your local PD and find out exactly what his business is. Just remember a little knowledge (no pun intended) can be a dangerous thing.

Original poster

Mum2OliverJames · 23/10/2008 10:08

i have just checked her DH's profile again (out of curiousity) and now he seems to be worshipping his wife on it whereas before he had lots of other woman all over it!

i cant see what she is doing because she has taken me off of her friends list (understanderble)

OP posts:

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