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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL doesn't want to see us any more because we have children and she can't have any.

46 replies

itsnotmyfault · 22/10/2008 13:46

SIL has recently discovered that she is unable to have children. They are undergoing fertility treatment but obviously nothing is certain. I have a lot of sympathy with her, having had fertility issues myself.

But now it has been made fairly clear to us that she is uncomfortable being around us because we have children (all school age so not babies) and she is unable to have any.

Family occasions that we were all supposed to be attending are now in question for fear of upsetting her. She will be going but it has suggested we perhaps should not out of respect for what she is going through.

I feel for her, I really do. But it's not my fault or the fault of my children that she has fertility issues is it? I could sort of see why she might be upset if I had tiny babies or if I was pg, but my children are school age.

Ibu to think this is ridiculous?

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 22/10/2008 13:52

No it is ridiculous. It might just be a knee-jerk reaction though, if she's only just found out. Most of us who have had fertility issues have gone through at least one "loony" stage, where it has been so painful that it's become all-encompassing. Usually we get over it though (and I don't know of anyone who has tried to dictate who can and who can't go to a family event ).

So I'm going to be all push-me/pull-you and say that even though YANBU and she is completely BU that it might well be worth treating her with kid gloves for a while and hoping that she is able to find a way to deal with it.

zookeeper · 22/10/2008 13:52

who has suggested you don't attend family events?

baffledmum · 22/10/2008 13:54

I agree with MrsTittleMouse. I went through a period of not going to christenings because it felt too raw. YANBU but you will probably have to bear with it for a while.

RubyShivers · 22/10/2008 13:55

none of this is anyones' fault

it is clearly terribly raw for her and perhaps it will settle down in time

it isn't clear from your OP where the suggestion that you shouldn't take your children to family events has come from

Sparkletastic · 22/10/2008 13:56

Of course your SIL must be treated with sensitivity but not to the extent that you and yours are excluded from family occasions. Is this coming from MIL perchance?

WorzselMummage · 22/10/2008 13:56

She is being ridiculous.

Tell her you appreciate she's going though a tough time but your not going to let your children suffer because of it.

Is she planning on avoiding all children for ever ?

compo · 22/10/2008 13:57

who on earth suggested that to you? was it actually your sil or someone thinking they were doing something nice on her behalf, ie your MIL? You need to get your dh round to see her and ask her how she feels

rempy · 22/10/2008 13:58

By all means be sympathetic to SIL, but I think you need to speak to the person who has suggested that you avoid family events and politely make the point that 1) it is not your fault that you have children, they should not be penalised for existing, and 2) duh, FAMILY events, are for er, family? Of which your children are part.

childrenofthecornsilk · 22/10/2008 13:59

What kind of family events has it been suggested that your family cannot attend?

giddly · 22/10/2008 13:59

As zookeeper says, who is suggesting this? Sometimes other family members can be a bit over-protective in this situation. We had this situation with my lovely SIL - her father didn't want us to tell her I was pregnant (despite the fact that we were going to be seeing her at a wedding at the stage when I had a very visible bump). She herself was actually unbelieveably gracious, although it must have been very difficult for her.

expatinscotland · 22/10/2008 13:59

It's ridiculous because it makes the kids feel like shit, and at school age they're old enough to twig, but may not understand fully why and blame themselves. Very immature of her.

mistlethrush · 22/10/2008 14:00

She is being unreasonable - if she doesn't want to see you, she shouldn't go - it shouldn't be you being excluded because of it. However, it is tough to be around people with children when you're having problems, so try to be patient - it can become all-encompassing and she's probably in a difficult place at the moment.

nannyogg · 22/10/2008 14:02

Are yours the only children due to be at the family event then?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I really don't think you and your children should miss out on a gathering, that would be unfair.

I know what's happening to her is not fair either, but at the risk of sounding harsh, if it's so raw for her maybe she should be missing the gathering?

Original poster
itsnotmyfault · 22/10/2008 14:04

it has been suggested in a very round-about way. Before all this became common knowledge SIL had been talking about coming over to see us, but then she called dh to tell him that they were having fertility issues so had too much on their plate to be able to see us right now. (it's been over a year since we last saw them so imo not really such a big deal). But when I spoke to mil about something else it was brought up and she did mention how hard it was obviously going to be for SIL to be around people who have children, I was understanding but left it at that.

Since then there have been suggestions re the family event (which has been planned for months) and whether it would be appropriate for us to attend because of SIL, it's been more of n undercurrent though iyswim, with questions from SIL to dh about whether we'd still be going etc.

She hasn't outright said she'd rather we didn't go, but it's odd that she's been asking whether we're still going just after she's told us she can't have children.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/10/2008 14:05

She's the adult. Your young ones are children.

throckenholt · 22/10/2008 14:07

I imagine she is in a wobbly mental state at the moment. So maybe you could say just for the next event - if it is imminent - you could stay away - but certainly not long term.

Tell whoever needs to know that you understand her being upset - but she can't avoid all kids forever. And if she can't have any of her own - then maybe the next best is to be a great aunt to the kids in the family.

Life is tough sometimes - we all have our problems - and we all have to live with them.

LouMacca · 22/10/2008 14:07

When we were going through fertility treatment and my SIL told the family she was pregnant I couldn't bear to see her and didn't for 6 months (my fault which I take full responsibility for). Thankfully things worked out for us, we now have 2 children and relationships have been re-built.

After being in a similar position to your SIL what I find hard to understand is that she obvioulsy feels ok going to family occasions where I presume there will be lots of other relatives children? So why would seeinig your children be any different?

childrenofthecornsilk · 22/10/2008 14:07

Agree with expat.

Original poster
itsnotmyfault · 22/10/2008 14:07

it's a weekend away to celebrate a signifficant birthday.

My children will be the only children there, and they are also the only grandchildren on that side.

But as I said before, they're not babies so I wouldn't have thought that their presence would cause such upset?

OP posts:
rempy · 22/10/2008 14:10

If not asked directly to not attend, just hints, state clearly that you are going, and go. You cannot tiptoe around now, or you may be expected to drop out of everything she doesnt fancy seeing you at in the future.

She will notice children and babies all around, all the time. The only children she can control whether or not she sees are family children, the very ones she should be staying in touch with. If it is hard for her she should make sure she spends some time doing the "exclusively adult" activities of which there are plenty, posh restaurants, late cinema showings of adult films, etc.

sadcat · 22/10/2008 14:10

she should be the one to stay awy from the event to be fair if she finds it too hard.
don't let her spoil things for your kids.

LouMacca · 22/10/2008 14:12

Oh I see. Have to agree with you, does seem very unfair to you. My problems were really with pregnant women and babies, certainly not school age children.

I think you definitely need to speak to her in person about this. Going through IVF is all-consuming and I certainly turned into person I didn't want to be. Its a shame because she is their Auntie and you can never get that time back.

MoChan · 22/10/2008 14:15

Why should you not go? If she feels she doesn't want to see you, she should be the one to stay away. I am very sympathetic to her plight, but it's not reasonable to allow people with children to be ostracised. It's just silly, esp. if it means that a family gets split by it.

gingerninja · 22/10/2008 14:19

Personally I'd ask her out right if she would feel uncomfortable if you went. It could be other people interpreting the situation. If she's not then staying away could make it more difficult.

wehaveallbeenthere · 22/10/2008 14:32

Agree with MrsTittleMouse. While you treat her with kidgloves I would still attend the family gatherings. Are you going to cut out every child in the family just to spare the feelings of one?
What happens if (and more when than if) she does become pregnant?
She is hurting right now (which doesn't help her situation at all as attitude plays so much in our health issues) but life will and does go on.
She really needs you (and the children) around her now more than she realizes even if she doesn't think so.