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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL doesn't want to see us any more because we have children and she can't have any.

46 replies

itsnotmyfault · 22/10/2008 13:46

SIL has recently discovered that she is unable to have children. They are undergoing fertility treatment but obviously nothing is certain. I have a lot of sympathy with her, having had fertility issues myself.

But now it has been made fairly clear to us that she is uncomfortable being around us because we have children (all school age so not babies) and she is unable to have any.

Family occasions that we were all supposed to be attending are now in question for fear of upsetting her. She will be going but it has suggested we perhaps should not out of respect for what she is going through.

I feel for her, I really do. But it's not my fault or the fault of my children that she has fertility issues is it? I could sort of see why she might be upset if I had tiny babies or if I was pg, but my children are school age.

Ibu to think this is ridiculous?

OP posts:

Aitch · 22/10/2008 14:34

can you speak to her, sympathise with her?

MrsTittleMouse · 22/10/2008 14:35

So the only thing that you know for certain is that she's been asking if you're going to go to the family event? In that case, she might be deciding whether she feels strong enough to go, or just wanting to know so that she can mentally brace herself to see your family. It doesn't necessarily mean that she's telling you that you can't go. The other family members might just be well-meaning but misguided.

Like I said, she's going to have to find a way to deal with this at some point, as otherwise she will go completely insane. But it is completely understandable that she is struggling while all of this is still so fresh and so recent. The fact that your children aren't babies wouldn't have helped me when I was upset about not having a family, by the way.

Gobbledigook · 22/10/2008 14:38

I wouldn't ask her if she wants you to go - if it's a family event for a significant birthday then there is no question that you should go regardless of what anyone else is going through.

If she would find it difficult then she should stay away, not you.

Gobbledigook · 22/10/2008 14:39

AGree with MrsTittleMouse

expatinscotland · 22/10/2008 14:49

and if you don't go, how are you going to explain it to your children?

they'll ask why you aren't going.

Tee2072 · 22/10/2008 15:25

I would agree with ginngerninja, instead of playing this monkey in the middle game. And even if she tells you it will upset her to see your children? I think I would apologize but explain that they are as much a part of the family as she is and they will be there.

mummytowillow · 22/10/2008 15:37

Some of you saying she is being 'ridiculous' is a bit harsh I think!

I had IVF treatment for four long years and eventually we got our beautiful daughter, but during those four years going to visit new babies and watching friends/family enjoying their children was absolute torture?

I don't think it is reasonable for her to expect you and your children to not attend family functions, if she doesn't feel up to it then it should be her that doesn't go? She will be feeling extremely angry and raw at the moment so I would try to support her if you can.

bozza · 22/10/2008 15:56

I think just make it very clear that you are going and then it is up to SIL what she decides to do.

penona · 22/10/2008 16:07

I think you should state that you are going to the event, and either have a quiet word with her or ask your DH to if that is easier on her, about how she feels about it. It's not fair on your children to miss out, but if she feels she can't cope with it, that is her problem to deal with.

Having been through years of this with my in-laws, I often just didn't attend events I couldn't handle, or went and left early. When we finally told them what we had been going through for years they were relieved that we weren't divorcing, which is why they thought we had stayed away from the family

No-one ever tells you that IVF turns you into some loony bin who can't cope with children or pregnancy at all. Robbed me of years with my niece and nephew and godchildren which I am very sad about now

Liffey · 22/10/2008 16:12

I feel awful for you. She should think long term though, because unless there's a divorce, you're going to be in eachothers lives for years.

Is she going to cut you out for ever? And if she allows this awkwardness to take wings, how will it be reined in again when she's either a) conceived or b) accepted that you are a mother.

When I was pregnant with my first years ago a very close and old friend was unable to get pregnant. So I literally tip-toed apologetically through my pregnancy.

10 months later, her own baby was born and he was heralded like a king and we were all delighted ............ but I felt a bit sad that I hadn't been allowed to be as happy.

ohdearwhatamess · 22/10/2008 16:14

I can understand how she feels. It took us 8 years to conceive ds1, during which time my SIL had 3 dcs, and I couldn't cope with it at all. I used to stay away from family gatherings (particularly christenings, birthday parties) because it was too painful. When you are struggling with ttc the whole world seems to be filled with glowing pg ladies and happy families.

Think its odd that you should stay away though.

Liffey · 22/10/2008 16:21

I think that the poster who suggested she is asking if you're coming or not so that she can decide if she feels strong enough to go is probably correct.

MorrisZapp · 22/10/2008 16:23

This is a very vexed issue. YANBU.

There is a whole thread of support for women who feel this way (ie can't stand being with pregnant friends because of infertility issues) over on pregnancy.

I've lurked in there and I feel desperately sorry for all concerned.

It seems that in that stage, it is normal to react totally irrationally to outside influences, and to take grave hurt/offence away from very simple conversations.

Even women who already have X amount of kids can feel this way about women who have X more.

I do think the best way to deal with it would be for the person who has the luxury of being pg or has the desired amount of kids to behave sensitively if they know there's an issue, though of course nobody is a mind reader.

Beyond that, I think the person feeling sad should say something like 'Look, I know this is totally irrational but... blah blah.. I can't help how I feel etc'.

I would never dream of commenting over there, as I have no personal experience of loss such as theirs, but I do feel sorry for the innocent women being condemned or ignored by their friends just for having kids.

It crosses your mind, how will these women behave if they do get pregnant or have the desired amount of kids, will they downplay it out of sensitivity for others.

Sorry if I'm being appallingly crass and uncaring, it's just my own (inexperienced) observation.

EightiesChick · 22/10/2008 16:24

I can also understand, but it seems overly harsh to expect you and your kids to give up going to a family party. It is pretty much impossible for someone struggling to conceive to avoid kids altogether, so she will have to face it in other parts of life, surely?

I would strongly advise not responding to anything other than the surface text - i.e. what has been directly stated to you. For one thing, this is often how people successfully manipulate others, by hinting and getting others to pick up on the hint without having to admit to their own (possibly unreasonable) preferences; for another, it is possible that you could be misreading the situation. If someone wants to ask you something that is (IMO) unreasonable, then the least they can do is say it outright. The fact that they aren't willing to often shows that on some level they know it is unreasonable.

soultaken · 22/10/2008 16:27

It's just a knee jerk reaction. She'll come round eventually.

twoluvlykids · 22/10/2008 16:27

I'd have a chat with her soon, to clear the air and make sure she's happy with you all going to the family event.

Don't pussyfoot around trying to guess what each other is feeling, cos it won't work out to everyone's satisfaction.

squilly · 22/10/2008 18:16

She's being unreasonable, but understandably so if she's in the early stages of finding out. I struggled with fertility/miscarriage over a period of many years but found avoidance the WORST thing.

I actually found lots of joy in treating my sisters kids like adoptees. I bought my nieces their first posh salon haircuts (those were the days when I had money!) we had posh holidays together (my dh, my sister, bil and the two girls) and I took them to their first concerts (Blur for niece number 1, Destiny's Child for number 2).

Hopefully, at some point, your SIL will be able to view things likewise and will embrace your family in full.

Hope you manage to find a solution to this....I really feel for both of you here.

Aitch · 22/10/2008 21:54

just for the record, morriszapp... imo and ime yes, women who've suffered like this will downplay their announcements because they know how much it hurts.

Elasticwoman · 22/10/2008 22:01

Supposed attitude of SIL (which may be misreported/misinterpreted by the rest of your family) is ridiculous.

I had a diagnosis of infertility before our dc were born and it would never have occurred to me to avoid any one, friend or family just because they had children.

Just carry on as though no diagnosis had been disclosed. (I kept mine from my family btw). Refuse to be bullied by the rest of your family. If SIL really doesn't want to be around your family, let her absent herself and don't put pressure on her. If it makes her feel better to do that, let her get on with it.

trickorteatys · 23/10/2008 21:48

Tricky situation on both sides and alot of good posts here with good advice.

Ceratinly a few of you ladies I'd love to go the pub with have a drink with and share stories with.

IME infertility can destroy so many things. i wouldn't wish it on anyone. However i was one of those cast aside for doing the most shameful insensitive selfish things ever by getting pregnant whilst a friend was going thro IVF. After the initial hatred fired at me I then continued to provide endless support whilst effectively having to totally playdown my own pg to the point of as if it wasn't happening. Had then to virtually avoid any subject about my DC once born. I gave up after a while and couldn't continue a friendship with someone who was happy to talk to me endlessly about all her woes but didn't want to discuss or see or acknowledge the existence of my baby. everything i did or said was wrong a no win situation.

She did go on and have a baby. And did everything that she used to go mad about - talked about it non stop, had a "mum to be on board" sign in the car etc etc - seriously short selctive memory. even now her "miracle" baby story keeps appearing everywhere - newspapers, magazines etc Again everything she despised before and would go into huge jealous rants about.

Not sure exactly what I can advise you but getting this off my chest has helped me a bit!!! I think the main point is from my experience when your SIL is at her lowest whatever you say or do will be wrong. tread on eggshells for a while, see what the real situation is but try not to let her make you feel guilty - you didn't choose to be fertile anymore than she choose to be infertile. Lifes like that it sucks.

AbbeyA · 23/10/2008 21:55

Be sympathetic but I would just carry on as normal, don't treat her with kid gloves and walk on egg shells. Don't feel guilty, it is very sad but it isn't your fault.

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