To want to do something unspeakably horrid to my h

[Prufrock]

Who is not even d today. He's gone off to work (for the second time in as many months) with my keys as well as his. Which means I have no way of getting in the car. I am ill (sinking cold and feverish) and so had to walk to school this am (OK, so, it's only 20 minutes, but it was cold and I'm ill dammit). More importantly I need to take the children swimming this afternoon, and take 4 children to gym club tomorrow afternoon, and go out on Thursday night to do a pre-school staff appraisal, and pick up dog food - none of which are possible without a car.
It also means I have to walk the dogs in the village (I know it sounds ridiculous but I normally drive them a couple of miles so they can have a good run in the woods/by the river)

And what really pisses me off is that he thinks that I have no right to be cross because it was an accident. I know it was an accident, but it was also a bloody stupid thing to do, and saying that there isn't anything you can do about it because you have a busy day doesn't actually help. I know you have 7 meetings booked in, but it wouldn't be that fucking difficult for you to make one simple phone call to your secretary and ask her to arrange a bloody courier to meet you at one of your "meetings" (breakfast at Chez Gerards, coffee at Starbucks, lunch at Coq d'Argent!) and put yourself out minimally so that I can possibly not be totally screwed until you get back late on Thursday. Or even if you could turn your fucking phone on so I can get in touch with you to check exactly where you are going to be at a given time so that I can arrange for a courier to come and pick them up! BUt no, your job is so much more important than any plans I might have made for myself or your children and can't possibly be interrupted at all to fix your fuck up, because it's my job to sort out your messes and just deal with all the crap that happens.

Thank you for your concern lovely people and yes, I am angry. Very ANGRY. But I kind of just have to put up with it, - which isn't meant in a martyrish way, it's just the way we have chosen, and I have to live with it. You are right bling - no work life balance - he works, I have a life. But it's an informed choice that we made together and most days I am able to remember that this way is actually significantly easier than both of us juggling work and kids, and the upside of him working 80 hour+ weeks (in what is still thankfully both a lucrative and safe bit of the city) is that in 7 years time he should be able to give up altogether and we can relax and have lots of time to enjoy each other's company. If he lives that long
Most days I deal with the downsides and hugely appreciate the upsides. But most days he doesn't do something as fuckwitted as take my keys with him and then turn his phone off.

And now I've ranted, I'm going to have a steam and a lemon and ginger tea, followed by some hot and sour soup to blast the snottiness away, and then the courier will arrive with my keys and dd will pass her swimming test and all will be right with the world again.

Pru I know what you are saying about this being the path that you have chosen, but you can re-assess. Is it really working as you envisaged? Do you really want to wait for that 7 years by which time your children will be practically teenagers for the relaxed life together?

At least DH's usual cock up is to lock himself out of the house. But then he has to ring me at work and find out which neighbours have spare keys and which are likely to be available. And last time he did it was in August when they were all on holiday and I was in an all day meeting. But I managed to pop out at lunchtime and give him my key.

Although once he did manage to lock me out of the house and disappear onto the far end of the golf course. And I ended up having to turn up at the golf club with chidlren looking pathetic and get somebody to go out in a buggy and find him.

No, dittany - not passive aggressive, really rather lovely. Just sometimes a bit useless, and he is tending to pull the "I'm incredibly stressed and can't be bothered with anything but work thing" more atm. But if I'm honest, it's only because he is incredibly stressed, and it is my job , and one that I have accepted without quite turning into a surrendered 50's housewife, to ease that stress and allow him to concentrate on work. But I will be having words about how even very stressed people should take the time to be considerate to their loved ones. I figure if I do it whilst lying naked under bubbles in the roll top bath in our hotel room he might take some notice!

Walk and fresh air would have done you good, cant see the problem myself.

There really isn't another option bozza. He wouldn't be happy working less - I know, because I wasn't happy when I had to give less than 120% to my career and we are incredibly similar in that regard. He loves his job, really thrives on it, and I can't take that away from him just because I don't have it anymore and am, frankly, jealous of him still having a passion and the ability to be focused. I just have to use the many resources I have at my disposal to fill the gaps in my own life,and believe me, most days I manage perfectly well.

No, actually smudgie the walk didn't do me any good, it made me throw up when I got home because I was so stuffed up. But thanks so much for your input.

tbh, I am pulling the "I'm just incredibly stressed and can't be bothered with anything but work" thing myself at the moment. Not to this extent - obviously, I'm a woman . But I work for a bank and am definitely finding it harder to think about shopping or cleaning or cooking. And while there's a line that I wouldn't cross, and DP and I are clear on that, he also accepts that right now, I'm doing longer days, with more stress and in exchange, we live in a nice house and he doesn't have to have two jobs...

Prufrock, I think you're handling it all brilliantly. You need to make him see he can't just ignore you and, as importantly, that he doesn't get to check out completely, but I think you have a good attitude.

Although 7 more years?!

Obviously "anything but work and MN" would be more accurate.

But he will be happy in 7 year time? Or do you have plans?

And get spare keys (including car key) made up and hidden away from him. Bloody infuriating.

Yes, big plans - that involve lots of staying in bed!

I don't think it will be a problem actually - we do have some plans - but it's more that we are both kind of all or nothing people, and it will be nice to have some time doing nothing. He's just had 3 months off in between jobs (this is a new job so adding even more to the stress) and it was lovely for both of us to just potter, and walk the dogs, and talk.....

Aaaah, so this is harder because you got used to having him, the man you loved and married around, at his best for three months?

Much sympathy. DP feels like this when we go on holiday. He's always slightly surprised by how much fun I can be.

From the sound of it you live quite a distance from your husband's work. Have you ever thought about living closer? My husband walks to work in 7 minutes which is great. Gives him an extra 90 minutes a day with us compared to where we used to live and also means he can go to all school assemblies etc easily.

We also have a place in a rural village where we spend every weekend and school holidays so the kids get space and freedom yet still see their father in the week.

Call his secretary...have them send the keys. Make a second (or third) set in the future.
Keep your keys in a location he doesn't know about and he in one you don't.
If it were me...I have the locks changed and when he got home I'd be elsewhere and my phone would be off. Family holiday? Without him?
An accident is one thing...repeat offense is not accidental. It sounds like there is more going on than given.
Try to get some rest. If something happens to you then where does that put everyone else?
This sounds more a lack of respect issue than a keys issue.
YANBU

Out of curiousity...do you feel like you are on the bottom rung of the ladder?
Does he treat (or would treat) his work peers, secretary, or even a total stranger like this?
You are his "partner" in household, financial and life matters. There is no one and nothing that should be considered over that and vice versa. Where would he be if you didn't hold down the fort?
Yes, he makes the money but you run the home show. You are equals and perhaps both of you need to remember that.
Poor dear, you are vulnerable right now being ill. Try to get better.

Yes bling - there is a bit of that. And I admit to being resentful of the fact that dh can check out of domestic matters without feeling guilty about it. And I feel resentful that I am left with all the really difficult stuff that I'm not actually that great at - sorting out big stuff like dd's confidence issues, whether we should move schools, whilst he gets to do the relatively easy stuff like presentations, performance stats that I'd actually enjoy!

Batters - I did too - well, not when on the phone, but later when relating it to friends who also know how horrid our post office man is - he won't even check for parcels until after the time frame on the left parcel note is up, even if you've seen the postman returning. Can't really complain though - I was out when postman came this am, but back by the time he finished the rest of the street, and he noticed I'd brought my milk in so came back with my parcels.

I do find it strange that I'm now in the position of defending him, but he does respect me, a lot, and appreciates what I've given up for our family, and does his best, in his emotionally illiterate way, to make me happy. (He brought me Charbonnel & Walker Pink Champagne truffles home last week just because he was passing the shop and thought of me). And practicalities (he had 7 meetings today, and I might take the piss, but I do appreciate that even a nice breakfast, coffee and lunch is not exactly easy when you are having them with clients who have issues with performance)

Chocolate, find me a 6 bed house with garden for the dogs for under £1m within a 7 minute walk of Oxford Circus and I'm there . The commute is a pain for him, but he tries to do a day a week from home and goes first class so he can work on the train. Again - we made our choice, and I know that all things considered it's the right one, but it doesn't mean it's perfect.

I got my keys back at 2:30. He called at 4:00 to apologise for being so pre-occupied and unsympathetic. I have booked in to have new car keys cut/coded next week, and will buy a sparkly key-ring on Friday. And I will ensue my keys are pt away in the hall cupboard at night so he isn't tempted to pick them up (though it grates slightly that I have to make all these changes because he can't be a little more careful) And dd swam brilliantly, and we went to Frankie & Benny's for ribs and ice cream afterwards, and I'm going to be hibernating undisturbed in my nice big bed with a hot toddy or two and sky+ tonight. So all is now well chez prufrock. Thank you for listening to my rant.

It is not strange that you are defending in, pru, that always happens to me when I moan about DH on here. people obviously don't know all the background.

And he is currently at some swanky do at the RAF club in London while I am sat here contemplating starting an AIBU thread about putting DD in the bath in her clothes because she refused to get undressed.

You are a very very lucky lady, Prufrock.
Did your dh see your rant on MN?

Agree with elasticwoman you are very lucky.

Glad the key issue is sorted for you but TBH to not have to constantly worry about and juggle money would be a welcome respite for us despite lost keys.

just get cabs in future you can legally take dcs in them without care seats for short journeys.

Also, Prufrock, while I sympathise with the frustration of suddenly and for no good reason being carless, while others are depending on you for lifts and dh not seeming to care (at first) could I just mention 2 dirty words (very softly)

...carbon footprint ....

Taking the dogs in the car so that you can walk them, forsooth!

I see your DH has a work/stress thing going on and glad to hear it seems to have blown over a little.

But "it was an accident" or "i didn't mean it" is the most irritating thing my DP ever says to me!

he knocks over the wineglasses which smash everywhere - i say "watch out..." he says "i didn't mean it" (all defensively).

he kocks over the wineglasses which don't smash - i say "eek" as they hit the floor he says " they're FINE" as if wine glasses are supposed to bounce off the kitchen floor.

he breaks my favourite teapot. i say "oh, i loved that teapot" he says "i didn't do it deliberately" and gets huffy with me for mentioning it.

it drives me mad!!!!