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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

thinking it is unnessesary to borrow toys - every visit

35 replies

jnmum · 22/10/2008 00:27

I have a good friend but I don't see her very often. But every time her DD visits with her she wants to borrow a toy and expects my DD to borrow a toy when she visits her.

I'm not very keen as we don't see her that often and usually her DD wants to borrow my DD's favourite toy and it puts me and my DD (6) in a difficult position. Usually my DD says yes but then regrets it when she doesn't get it back for ages. And my DD doesn't even want to borrow a toy from her.

My friend kind of expects it though and certainly doesn't discourage it when her DD asks to borrow something. She said she thought another friend was a bit odd when she objected. The thing is I find it difficult to say no.

OP posts:
Original poster
jnmum · 22/10/2008 00:29

do most people do this and how do I say no about it without looking petty? maybe I am being petty?

OP posts:
Original poster
jnmum · 22/10/2008 00:41

.

OP posts:
ready4anotherCoffee · 22/10/2008 00:44

Er, no, this is not normal from my experiance.

Tbh, it sounds like you are just going to have to put your foot down, and say no. it's not fair on your dd if she is feeling she is having to lend out a fave toy, and then not getting it back for ages.

Cynthia32 · 22/10/2008 00:45

YANBU - either learn to say no or make up an excuse such as no, thats new or no, DD especially likes that toy. Not that you should have to make up excuses really.

Original poster
jnmum · 22/10/2008 00:46

Its hard not to sound petty though. I was thinking of saying before we next meet that my DD wasn't keen on the swapping toys idea rather than saying it is me because of what she said about her other friend but that might be a bit unfair on my DD

OP posts:
Original poster
jnmum · 22/10/2008 00:49

It does kind of annoy me though because she can't stand any critism at all of her DD or even anyone saying no to her in any way. Last time she was over her DD asked for apple juice which I gave her, she drunk a bit then said she wanted orange juice. I said 'well after you've drunk the apple juice' as I would to any child and my friend shot me such a look that I then said 'oh ok then..'!

OP posts:
Cynthia32 · 22/10/2008 00:52

Say no? Your friend is being unreasonable!!

BrownSuga · 22/10/2008 00:54

Just say I prefer you left it here, and it'll be here for you to play with next time you visit

hatrick · 22/10/2008 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
jnmum · 22/10/2008 00:55

last time we visited my DD had her favourite doll with her. Her DD insisted my DD take away a toy, my DD accepted it but didn't realise her DD was then going to say 'haven't you forgotton something?' - expecting my DD's doll! Luckily my DD said no, but my friend looked a bit put out by her saying no and just said 'oh well, you can choose something when we next visit'.

OP posts:
twentypence · 22/10/2008 01:08

I think that's weird. I have a flute student who systematically borrowed my entire (age appropriate) DVD collection at a rate of one per lesson and then borrowed all of dh's Top Gear magazines one per lesson.

This has now been repaid as he is lending ds his old collection of Famous Five. And it had kept him motivated and coming to his flute lessons (and I'm not cheap!)

But I'm an adult and chose to do this, and he's now at high school and therefore won't want his Famous Five books to read any time soon. I will make sure ds looks after the books and he has always returned the DVDs in good condition.

Weird to do it with toys IMO.

alicet · 22/10/2008 07:12

I think its a nice idea to do this IF both children are keen to. Especially if they don't have many toys it's a good way to get more different things to play with.

BUT this situation is ridiculous. Children need to know that they can't always have something that they might want. I would encourage your dd to say no if she is not keen to lend her toys out. And support her if she seems reluctant by asking her yourself beforehand what she would not want to lend and if there is anything else she is happy to lend.

But this mum is being very very unreasonable to expect your dd to lend out new or favoured things - her dd is going to end up very very spoilt if she is being taught that she can have whatever she wants at anytime regardless of others

traceybath · 22/10/2008 07:16

Just say 'i'm sorry but that toy is really precious to my DD' and then change the subject.

If the child persists - i'd seriously just say that DD's toys stay at her house but the other little girl is welcome to play with them when she's at your house - all accompanied by a nice smile.

I wouldn't like to lend people my favourite things so wouldn't force my child too. But then i'm still rubbish at sharing

fizzpops · 22/10/2008 07:23

Maybe the mum thinks she is being reasonable as otherwise her daughter would want to borrow ALL the toys and this is the way she has chosen to manage it. As it has been going on for a while though maybe it is time she moved on to saying, 'You can't always borrow a toy'.

Sounds odd to me though and there is no reason why you should go along with it just so this Mum doesn't have to say 'no' to their child. Maybe she has read something about encouraging sharing and she thinks she is doing you a favour too?

The apple juice thing is annoying too.

FourArms · 22/10/2008 07:24

I was going to say that I did something similar with DS1 and his friend. However, it was never a favourite toy (we selectively encouraged something), and it was an aid to leaving the friends house without tears. However, at the time, DS1 was one! This is the age I was expecting when I read the title. At the age of your DD there isn't a need to be doing this, so you should bring it up with your friend if you want to stop it.

Tigerschick · 22/10/2008 07:32

If you don't want to stop it completely then I would talk to your DD about it before the next visit. Sort out 2 or 3 toys that she is happy to lend and then offer these. If your friend's DD asks for something different then say something like "Oh, but DD thought that you'd really like to borrow one of these toys, she sorted them out especially for you because she knows you particularly like horses/dolls/colours ..." ladling it on about the effort in choosing particular toys.

Failing that, mention to your friend that it upsets your DD and maybe next time you visit it might be better not to swap ...

Good luck, I know what it is like to have an overbearing friend

alphabetsoup · 22/10/2008 07:33

What FourArms said; sometimes this has happened with my dcs and their friends on an ad hoc basis when they were younger - ie up to age 3 or so !

Unusual and unecessary for it t be a regular thing with a 6 year old.

RantInEminor · 22/10/2008 08:02

YANBU

mooog · 22/10/2008 08:21

Its really hard trying to say no to people who are oblivious to how pushy they are being . have been in this position myself and if the toy that her 6yr old wants to borrow is a fave of your dd, then tell them this....maybe the bloody 6yr old will understand better than pusshy mum!! Let her pick something else. If you cant bring yourself to say this, then hide your daughters fave toys!!! That'll bloody work!!!

chocolatedot · 22/10/2008 09:03

I hate this nonsense of borrowing toys and I'm afraid I firmly say that my kids aren't allowed to lend out their toys becuase in the past they've broken/lost other people's.

kitbit · 22/10/2008 09:14

Nope, definitely not the normal thing. Bad too, as her dd will get the message that she only has to point to something even if it's someone else's and she can have it.
I'd be inclined to cool things a bit if it were me, she obviously isn't taking your dd's feelings into account which isn't a very nice sharing attitude is it.

AbbeyA · 22/10/2008 09:23

I would never do it. It comes from my mother who told us as children never to swap toys because it always causes trouble. I say the same thing as a teacher. It ends in tears. Stick to a policy that you don't do it.

wb · 22/10/2008 09:26

Just say no. Child will make a fuss the first time (fair enough cause it is a habit you've allowed until now). Don't apologise (cause you are not in the wrong) and don't explain (cause it sounds like your friend will try and argue). Just keep repeating to yourself 'my house, my rules' and remember YANBU

StayFrostyShiversDownMySpine · 22/10/2008 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wb · 22/10/2008 09:33

Actually I think that is a bit unfair StayFrosty. OP doesn't actually seem to have told her friend what her feelings on the matter are.