thinking it is unnessesary to borrow toys - every visit

[jnmum]

I have a good friend but I don't see her very often. But every time her DD visits with her she wants to borrow a toy and expects my DD to borrow a toy when she visits her.

I'm not very keen as we don't see her that often and usually her DD wants to borrow my DD's favourite toy and it puts me and my DD (6) in a difficult position. Usually my DD says yes but then regrets it when she doesn't get it back for ages. And my DD doesn't even want to borrow a toy from her.

My friend kind of expects it though and certainly doesn't discourage it when her DD asks to borrow something. She said she thought another friend was a bit odd when she objected. The thing is I find it difficult to say no.

That is weird! Tell her that she can't borrow the toy because DD's other friends also like playing with it when they come over, and if it stays at your house they can all still play with it.

I think it's a little different with books and DVDs and it's a great idea to share these things because they only have limited entertainment value anyway. But dolls and actual physical toys that kids get attached to - no way!

I wonder whether your friend feels that borrowing and lending makes sure than the relationship continues, because you would need to visit eachother to return the item, and then continue the relationship by lending or borrowing another one.

My mother in law is constantly giving us food in dishes which we have to eat then I have to clean the dish carefully then return. It's as if she can't quite cope with nothing of hers being in our house.

StayFrosty - who knows? Obviously when I notice a friend is uncomfortable I take note but how can you ever be totally sure that what you take for acquiescence isn't hidden resentment. I would hope my friends would be able to object to my face.

i've got a friend who does this, the first time it was to appease her dd (who didn't want to go home) when they left. I was a bit surprised when she asked if her dd could take a toy home. Dd1 doesn't mind and now usually volunteers a toy for her friend to take home. Personally, I hate having another child's toy here and being responsible for it, I stress about them breaking etc

If it's causing a problem I'd go with the previous suggestion to select toys in advance which can be lent out without tears or speak to your friend and explain your dd is unhappy with the arrangement.

You need to talk to your friend and explain that the LO is distressed by it. If you do it in a way that makes her feel like you are exasperated by it, she will hopefully not take offence. This said, she may feel that she has a better adjusted child (not that she does!!) and be a wee bit smug. However, you will not have to do the whole toy swapping business and therefore get what you want. It's a trade off.

It's not normal, no.

You will be doing the right thing by being honest, saying dd doesn't like it and standing up for her.

I leant my teacher's daughter all my Judy Blume books once when I was 11, and didn't get them back for months. I felt really pushy asking her when I might get them back as I missed reading them but this teacher didn't like me in the first place and made out I was selfish.

It shouldn't be such a big deal. Perhaps tell dd to keep her favourite toys put somewhere safe when this child visits and then she can choose something your dd doesn't particularly like or won't miss.

i do this with ds - I say 'so and so is coming to play, can you put away the things you'd rather he didn't touch (friend is much smaller) and keep out the things you don't mind sharing?'

He understands this and it stops them fighting when friend arrives and wants something.

I dont think this is normal at that age, especially not as a recurring thing.

I once lent a friend a whole range of my sons toys, and she lent my son a whole range of her dds toys. We thought it might be fun for them to play with "the other genders toys" for a bit. My son never had dolls, and her dd didnt have cars, etc, so we swapped so they could explore toys they didnt have themselves.

My older son (6) swapped Action Man figures with a classmate. That is different. They were both into Action man, and first my son borrowed a few of his, to have MANY to play with, then the other way around.

I think you have many good suggestions how to solve this. But learning to part with a toy for a while, is not necessarily such a bad thing. Unless, it is especially precious, new, etc.

I don't think its normal to be expected to do this every time......bit odd really

maybe you could get your dd to make her dd a card or picture to take away with her instead of taking one of her toys. if you friend asks just say that your dd wanted to make her a card/pic instead and you think that they are too big to be borrowing toys now

you'll have to be firm with her if you don't like it