To be upset by my mum?

[Dragonfly74]

Sorry this is going to be long but I need to get things off my chest.

I feel so frustrated with my mum and just don't know where to start with all this but here goes.
I am the oldest of 4 and was the first of us to have children, A ds who is now 2.8yrs and a dd 7mths. We live 25 miles away from my mum but me and dh don't have a car as we just can't afford one. My mum and stepdad on the other hand have a car and by their own admission are quite well off.
My mum doesn't need to work so has plenty of time on her hands and openly admits to being bored when my stepdad is out working. This is where I have a problem, she's bored at home, she knows she is welcome here anytime infact we love to see her but she only comes once in a blue moon her excuse being "oh its a long way".
When I had just ds I used public transport to get to my mums which took 3 hours and 3 different buses but she just won't make the effort.
What really annoys me is recently mum and stepdad have just bought a caravan on the coast and everytime stepdad is off work they go to the caravan which is a good 150 mile drive. (But its to far for her to come and see us).
I have spoken to my siblings about her behaviour and Tbh they all feel the same as me. My brothers live literally 10 mins away from my mum and they also have children now but she doesn't go to see them either.
Whenever I try to talk to her about it she says "Well I know your all ok you have your lives I've got mine" She even said to my brother last week "Oh well i've done my job now" Meaning she doesn't think we need her anymore.

I feel so sad I have such conflicting feelings because obviously first and foremost I love my mum but I really think she's being very selfish at the moment....Or am I being unreasonable?

have you tried formally inviting her? i.e. say "Would you like to come for lunch on Tuesday?" or whatever. I find that sometimes people of that generation don't feel that can invite themselves

(not my Mum though who just appears at lunchtime and says "Oh - soup? Lovely - have you got a bit spare?" )

Have you told your mum how you feel? Perhaps you should make it clear that you don't want her to come because you need/want something, but because you and your dc love her and want to see her. Does she realise how far/inconvenient it is for you to travel to her as you don't have a car?

Maybe she feels that she'll be interfering if she just pops in. Have you tried actually inviting to visit on a specific day as opposed to just popping round whenever.

YANBU btw. I would feel the same if it were my mum. I do sympathize

my parents always need an invite
also the older generation they get set in their ways

I've called her several times when i've known she will be home alone and bored and just said "Its a lovely day why don't you pop over for a cuppa we can take the dc's to the park or go into town and have lunch"

But the answer is always "Oh but it takes me half an hour to get to yours then I've got the drive back" On the rare occassions that she does come over she drinks her tea within minutes and says "Well i've got to get back because stepdad will be getting up soon"

(He works nights sometimes). And the thing is its not him thats putting the pressure on her he doesn't mind her coming to see us. But she just always seems in a rush to get back.

my parents are the same, I am one of their 5 grownup kids and they never visit any of us to see us or their grandkids. they are in their 70's now.

Have asked them and their response, was that this was the way things should be done (this is a summary, it was not said as bluntly as that).

When they had young families they took them to see the grandparents, now it was their turn to be visited by their families, kind of like their home is the central hub of the now extended family. Suits me okay and it kinda nice when we all happen to visit at the same time, but can see the hassle when you don't have transport and two young kids.

dragonfly - why not invite her for the day, rather than just "popping in"? TBH, I'm not sure I would want to drive 25 miles just for a cup of tea...

I would love her to come for the day. The last time I invited her for a day she managed an hour and a half.

Only last week I called her and she was saying how fed up she was because she was on her own and because my dh workes really long shifts I said " why don't I pack up some of mine and the kids stuff for the night and we come and stay with you and keep you company. But she didn't want us to do that either.

I just can't understand her comment to my brother. "Oh well i've done my job".
My job as a parent will never end until the day I die.

I sympathise! My parents are pretty much the same and although they only live about 4 miles away, they won't come to see me.

I have asked them to come more times than I can remember, but Dad always says the same thing "Oh yes, we'll have to sort something out", like it's an expedition up the north face of the Eiger or something. They can catch the bus at the end of their street, and the one and only time they managed it, they bribed the bus driver to take a detour and he dropped them off outside my house!

The funny thing is, years ago they used to complain that their elderly relations never made the effort to visit them, but that they had to do all the running. I think it's an age thing. Perhaps this is what happens when you get old!!!!

I just comfort myself with the fact that they are still there for me to visit them, but I agree, it can be upsetting.

Thanks dandylioness.

No it doesn't sound harsh and if I thought she was happy with just having her own life I don't think I'd mind but she's always complaining that she doesn't get to see any of her grandchildren and 2 of them are only minutes away.

I just can't work it out. My sister keeps trying to get her to see a doctor because she thinks she's menopausal

My Dad complains that his nephew and family "never come round to see us" even though they literally live in the next street.
If I mention that perhaps he should pay them a visit then I get "well, I don't see why I should do all the running"!!!!

Maybe parents feel that they've done years and years of running around, and that it's someone else's turn.

I really don't know, but it's all I can think of.

I have quite the opposite problem. My Mum would spend every waking minute here if she could and I wouldn't get rid of her. I prefer to visit her so that I can bugger off when she starts getting on my nerves, she interferes too much.
Maybe the next time she complains how bored she is and that she is lonely you should challenge her. Tell her she has a big family who would love nothing more than to see her. When she says it's too far to drive bring up the caravan thing ask why it isn't too far to go there, just keep questioning her everytime she whinges and be blunt. If she has excuses all the time tell her she can't be that lonely cos if she was she would make an effort to get out and about more. Do you think she is depressed?

Is she worried about driving by herself?

i sympathise, and have had the 'i've done my job' said to me too.

I htink that thread 'but we took you to stately homes' talks about all our mad mothers. I am not making light of it, becuas ei know how hurtful it feels, that your parents don't want to enjoy 'family' life with your dcs.

In fact my dad's partner once told me 'well you have your own family now' when i got married .

My mum lives abroad and even when she is back for a few weeks seems to hide away after the first few days.

Thanks for the replies,
Wigglesworth I've confronted her about this on several occassions and she always gives the "Well you've got your life i've got mine" speech.

I've spoken to my brothers about it all and they've been told the same and Tbh we don't push it with her because my mum is one of these people that once she's made her mind up theres no changing it. Everyone else is always wrong but not her iyswim. Me and my sister have wondered if she's depressed when we've asked her she says "oh i'm ok". We have told her to see a doctor though because she has terrible mood swings and we thing maybe she's menopausal (she's 53) so its a possibility.

Giddly She loves driving so I don't think its that.

some people just find children very hard, my dad isn't a get down on the floor and roll around with the kids type of person. He hates all the noise and often retires for a nap when he's had enough.

Maybe she just doesn't want to see you? My mother is the same. She loves me because she is my mother but she doesn't particularly want to spend lots of time with me. We are very different people - she finds me a bit boring to be honest. I do find it hard to reconcile, particularly when I feel such fierce love for my own young children and can't imagine not wanting to see them. I can't change her though.

Totally sympathise. I think mothers can damn you either way, that's in my experience anyway.

If my siblings take their kids round, I get all the moaning later about the noise and mess.

But if they don't take their kids round, it's moaning about being lonely and nobody coming round or bringing their kids.

It can feel like a 'no win' situation. Everybody's different but I never have anything out with my mum - it's pointless. I have learned that she will never change.

Morriszapp your mum sounds just like mine.

If I try to have it out with her it would turn into a row which I wouldn't win and I would be left feeling horribly guilty. I just feel a bit dissapointed. I feel like I don't know who she is anymore. And it may sound really pathetic but i'm not ashamed to say that even though i'm 34 I really miss my mum.

I get on great with my mum generally, but she can be extremely difficult when she chooses to be.

I have to (silently) guffaw with laughter when she moans about my gran (judgemental, self obsessed, critical, etc etc) and then says 'It's her total lack of self awareness that really gets me'!!!!

She says it with a straight face. She is all of the above herself and will never see it.