To be upset by my mum?

[Dragonfly74]

Sorry this is going to be long but I need to get things off my chest.

I feel so frustrated with my mum and just don't know where to start with all this but here goes.
I am the oldest of 4 and was the first of us to have children, A ds who is now 2.8yrs and a dd 7mths. We live 25 miles away from my mum but me and dh don't have a car as we just can't afford one. My mum and stepdad on the other hand have a car and by their own admission are quite well off.
My mum doesn't need to work so has plenty of time on her hands and openly admits to being bored when my stepdad is out working. This is where I have a problem, she's bored at home, she knows she is welcome here anytime infact we love to see her but she only comes once in a blue moon her excuse being "oh its a long way".
When I had just ds I used public transport to get to my mums which took 3 hours and 3 different buses but she just won't make the effort.
What really annoys me is recently mum and stepdad have just bought a caravan on the coast and everytime stepdad is off work they go to the caravan which is a good 150 mile drive. (But its to far for her to come and see us).
I have spoken to my siblings about her behaviour and Tbh they all feel the same as me. My brothers live literally 10 mins away from my mum and they also have children now but she doesn't go to see them either.
Whenever I try to talk to her about it she says "Well I know your all ok you have your lives I've got mine" She even said to my brother last week "Oh well i've done my job now" Meaning she doesn't think we need her anymore.

I feel so sad I have such conflicting feelings because obviously first and foremost I love my mum but I really think she's being very selfish at the moment....Or am I being unreasonable?

Thinking about it, my mum is very weird about visiting.

She wants her house to be the focus of everything, despite endless moaning about having to feed everybody and clean up afterwards.

I only have the whole family to mine twice a year (I give a party at Xmas and my Bday) and she acts all weird when she comes, looking around like a lost child, making faces at the food I've prepared etc.

I've given up caring - everybody else just has a great time. If she chooses not to have fun like a normal person then it's her loss.

Dragonfly, My parents were exactly the same way. The "well, I've done my job now" comment is an echo.
Thinking about it now. Your mother has done her job. She did a wonderful job raising her children and as much as she loves you all (and trust that she does) it is time for you to raise your children (she probably hopes you will pass on some of the lessons she taught you) to adulthood.
It doesn't mean she thinks you don't need her anymore. It means she is confident that you can fulfill the role of parent (a role she doesn't have to now) for your children and she can take on another role...friend, confidant, empty nester etc.
It sounds like your mother and step father want to do some things they couldn't when younger because of the responsibilities of raising children. I can't blame them. Who wouldn't be out climbing mountains or bungee jumping if you didn't have babies that needed love and attention? You get my meaning? She loves you...

Wehaveallbeenthere
I understand that mum wants her own life and I think thats great,because like you say she's done her bit she's been a mum and done a fantastic job of raising us. But she constantly complains that she doesn't see her grandchildren and she says she misses seeing them.

Just today I was on the phone to her and she was complaining that she had only seen her youngest grandchild twice in a month. This particular grandchild is minutes away from my mum and my brother has tried countless times to either go round to mums or get her to visit them but she just won't.

We all love seeing her, the dc's love seeing her, she says she misses them but she always seems to put us off.

Dragonfly, Other than what I posted before perhaps there is something medical going on. If there is you have no choice but to respect their privacy.
You cannot drag them to the doctors and you cannot force the doctor to break confidentiality to tell you if something is wrong.
You have done what you can. Maybe she just wants to lament for the sake of conversation. You don't know. I would just go with it. You've invited her and you visit when it is convenient (for her).
Try not to let it get to you. Everyone has their quirks. This one is shared by several Mnters parents it seems. Included when my parents were much younger.
I sympathize but other than tell her (which you have done) there isn't anything more you can do.

HEY THERE, I know exactly how you feel. Mothers eh? I am a single pqarent with 4 kids. My mum and my stepdad live 5 mins down the road in the car. Although my mum does work full time she doesnt even want to see us on weekends and when she does she complains of the noise and of the mess they make. She wont come to me either, Am I selfish or is she? She wont even look after one of them 4 a couple of hours and i have given upo asking now as she just puts the phone down on me. I understand she works etc but it hurts me that she doesnt even want to spend any time with them or just to relieve me 4 an hour, I Know it my fault I have 4 kids but I LOVE EM 2 BITS and wouldnt change it for the world but when your own mother wont even watch 2 of your kids so you can go to your best friends wedding ceremony I think that awful, Maybe I selfish but I know that i would help my daughter every now and then if I endeup in my situation. Wot u think.??

Hi Dragonfly74,

I've had this comment put ot me as well by my Mother:-

"Oh well i've done my job now"

What she basically meant that she's done her bit for us and is not prepared to put in any more such work. Its hurtful to say the least and such people rarely change their tune.

BTW how do you get on with your Stepdad?.

I have a feeling as well that stepdad has stuck his oar in. Your Mum may also be pandering to the wishes of her husband in that if he has time off they go to their caravan. Stepdad may be ruling the roost here, he may be implying that he's top dog and that she as his now wife should be by his side at all times.

You have to accept thatt she doesn't want the level of involvement that you would like her to have. It will eat you up if you don't accept it. Find something else to do with your time.

My mother lives a 25 minute walk away and has a car. She has never once, in 6 years, visited me without a reason. (It used to be to borrow money but since I picked her up on it she just borrows off my brother and never visits.)

I have finally accepted that she doesn't really ant to be a grandmother. She wants to tell people she has grandchildren, and that they are all this and that, but in truth she spends time with them for a few hours at Christmas, an hour on their birthday, and whenever I ask her to give us all a lift somewhere if she agrees. It's sad but I have other people involved with their life - I honestly think my best friend's mum sees them more than my mum though.

I feel for you Dragonfly

My parents live aboad and never come and visit. I do understand that they cannot do it every WE but they NEVER do it. We have invited them, offered to pay for the fare, nothing works. Until last summer, we did go and visit for a few days every oppoprtunity we had with DH and 4DCS. then I decided they maybe did not missed me as much as I do miss them and we had our own holiday. It was fantastic and relaxing, but they did not miss me enough to come and visit us here though. I do know they love us but they got used to the idea it was somehow easier for us to travel...

YANBU, especially as ther is so little distance between you.Try to invite yourself and the children at theirs for the day, take a train and enjoy the trip. Tell her how you feel and if even that does not work, I will have to agree with SmugColditz. LOL