friend has phoned after 2 years to say she now feels she can talk to me as she has had a baby

[Baysmum]

I had a fairly good friend who I lost touch with after I had ds1. There was no big falling out or anything, she just stopped returning my calls. I tried to keep in touch for a while but obvioulsy had to stop once it became obvious she wasnt playing ball so I then limited it to a friendly xmas card with a basic 'how are you?' message. Anyway, she has called out of the blue today to say that she can now speak to me again as she has recently had a baby. Obviously there have been fertiliy issues which must be hard but I cant help feeling bit miffed that Im sposed to say 'oh ok, welcome backinto my life, no questions asked'. I havent had fertility issues BUT some other pretty major stuff has happened in the last couple of years where I would have appreciated a friend. Am i just a nasty old cow?

Seriously, if you haven't lived with infertility and all those around you getting pregnant, there is no way to understand the misery that this woman will have felt. Infertility is irrational and cruel and worst of all makes you bitter and likely to alienate those who you need the most. Just think what dark and desperate place this woman must have been in to cut off a friendship like that.

I know too well how she was feeling, I lost one of my best friends because I couldn't deal with her being pregnant when I couldn't be. I know this was crap and rubbish of me but it wasn't something I could control. And this woman is a better person than me because even five years later, after successful IVF, I can't bring myself to get back in contact with my old friend.

Good luck - I hope you can get the friendship back on track; as others have said, it will have taken a lot of guts to call.

I think this is a difficult one and something similar happened to me. When I was single and childless I had a friend (also single and childless but older than me) who had been through a lot in the past with 2 different men and had as a result one termination and one miscarriage. I know she was desperate for a baby and as she was approaching 40 and did not have a partner could feel the clock ticking. She spoke to me at length about how difficult it was for her when other friends had babies, got pregnant, etc.

Then, I met DP and became pregnant. I knew it was going to be an issue with this particular friend and I was right. She said some very hurtful things to me about the relationship not lasting, me being clueless as a mother, etc. I did make some effort to stay in touch but after being totally blanked for several months I realised it was just hurting us both if I kept pursuing it so I let it go and we haven't spoken for a few years now. Sad but I feel there's not much I can do about it.

Now, what would I do if she suddenly got in touch and said she had had a baby and could we be friends again? I don't know. In my case I had had my own crap to deal with in the past (which I won't go into details about here) which that friend was aware of but she still cut off all ties when I got pregnant. In my case I did not avoid friends with babies when I was going through my own difficulties, if anything I did the opposite almost as a way of proving to myself that I wasn't going to let what some excuse of a man had done to me beat me (iyswim).

But obviously that's different from fertility issues. I think in the OP's situation I would stick to a 'friendship at arm's length' for the time being and when her baby is a bit older explain how upset you were.

I am sorry, it seems I may be going against the grain here, but I think that if a person can abscond from your life for 2 years without so much as a telephone call then they need to explain themselves in very apologetic terms. My close friends and I have all been through very different issues to each other in the last few years. Bereavement, fertility issues, relationship break ups and many others. I support my friends through their crises and they do likewise with me. I also share in their joy (babies, marriages, job successes etc) EVEN when their happiness highlights something amiss in my own life. If one of them disappeared at a happy point in my life I would see that as the height of disloyalty and I expect (and give!) loyalty to my dearest friends.

I would be waiting for an apology. I am not unsympathetic to people with fertility problems and I understand jealousy only too well, but it is unacceptable to cut people out of your life with no explanation and then expect them to take you back into theirs REGARDLESS of what problems you have had to face without them in the intervening years.

The rest of the thread but I had the same situation. One of my friend had a MC about 3 weeks before I got my BFP, she did try very hard to see me, but we went out for a drink at christmas and she couldn't cope seeing me pregnant (was only 12 weeks then) and told a mutual friend to tell me that she was finding it hard and she probably wouldn't see me until I'd had the baby. At first I was so annoyed with her, it wasn't my fault really, but then I saw it from her point of view and she must have been devistated. (she'd been TTC for 3 years) So then I left it lie. As soon as I'd had the baby she called and explained herself properly and said that now I'd had the baby she was ready to see me again....

I suppose what I;m trying to say is that if she was a good friend in the first place, it would have been nice of her to explain why she didn't want to see you. Maybe you should try to re build bridges, but tell her that you were annoyed with her and why, maybe she'll understand, if she doesn't then she's not really a friend is she?

I think she should have thought about the possibility you might not welcome her back with open arms when she decided to cut contact.

If it was fertility issues then she was going through rather than anything else then that is complicated but she owed you an explanation even if it is a 'I am going through a bad time and don't feel up to seeing you for a while'.

If you want to be her friend again though and don't feel as if it would affect your friendship in the future then I would just get on with it and be a better friend to her than she has been to you.

Sobernow - I definitely don't think you are being a hard-hearted witch, and I am sorry if anything I said came across that way. Your feelings are very real and natural, as are your friend's.

You have every right to decide how to deal with this - I'd give it a try on the basis (as I said) that you have little to lose by doing so, and may have much to gain.

I really hurt a friend of mine once - I said something so thoughtless that I still cringe to think of it. We lost touch for some years but eventually managed to rebuild the friendship, and I am so glad she forgave me.

In the long run, what matters is that you can live with your decision and be happy with yourself - I suspect that forgiving her, even if you don't rekindle the friendship, might be the way to achieve this.

Whatever you decide, have a hug from me!

sobernow - I don't think you're a hard hearted bitch but having been in that same situation (single and in my late 30s) I don't think it's the same as having fertility issues. I didn't ever have a problem with my friends having kids until I had a late miscarriage during what I thought was my only chance at motherhood. I found it much, much harder after that.

For her own sanity I am guessing she avoided people with kids...I know someone who is like that and I actually feel sorry for her as she can't bring herself to visit friends with kids and it is her who has the problem and misses out. I would keep her at arms length for a bit as she should have talked to you about it - its hurtful when someone cuts you out with no explanation.....

I would say that your friend has already plucked up the courage to call you and explain why she let the friendship lapse two years ago so it is over to you to recognise this and reciprocate in some manner.

She presumably knows that it will take some time to rebuild the level of friendship that you once had but she seems to value the memories of that friendship and want to rekindle it which is flattering isn't it ?

Unless you have walked a mile in her shoes, don't be too quick to demand grovelling on her part as that is totally not what true friendships are based on.

This is a subject I can totally relate to and I always welcome my friend back as if nothing has happened even though she drifts away again each time when it gets to much for her to bear as I have children and they do consume a large part of my life. My friend and her partner would make great parents but after years of trying and fertility treatment nothing has come of it for them and this makes me cry when I think about it too deeply because she is still my friend, even when she is not returning calls because she is presumably depressed/upset.

Hi. DH and I had fertility problems. After 4 years of trying and 3 attempts of IVF we now have our beloved children.

I hated what infertility did to me and person I became. I became bitter and jealous. Having a child totally took over my life. I am so ashamed to say that I didn't speak to my SIL for 6 months when she became pregnant after our 2nd IVF attempt had just failed. I asked 'how could she do this to me?'. I realise now how ridiculous that sounds. She was just getting on with her life.

Thankfully my SIL forgave me and we have rebuilt our relationship. I hope that you and your friend can do the same.

Sorry but I don't think she's nasty. Surely you can have some sympathy for her. You say "Obviously there have been fertiliy issues which must be hard" so give her a break I say.

I had jut this situation a few years back. She got PG, re-ignited the friendship, did baby stuff together and everything was hunkydory for a couple of months before I had the temerity to get pregnant with DD2.

She never spoke to me again.

If I ever see her again I'll give her a piece of my mind.

I have had a friends turn her back on me because I was pregnant and 'thoughtless' for announcing it when she had been TTC for longer than me (in fact I hadn't been TTC). But I didn't know she was TTC and it hurt so much when she told me I was thoughtless for getting pregnant before her and thoughtless for telling her it was 'an accident' when she didn't even tell me they were trying.
She got pregnant 3 months later with twins and all was shiny again (from her side) but I felt hurt for long time. It's behind us now though.

It's a really hard thing, infertility and fertility problems. I think until you have walked in the shoes of a woman who is having those issues then you shouldn't judge. It's REALLY REALLY REALLY Hard. Most women with these issues KNOW they are being irrational, they KNOW they can't stop life going on around them, they KNOW people don't get pregnant to spite them. However it is a massively complex thing and sometimes it's not the other babies that make women upset and withdrawn, it is the questions from other people - the 'when are you going to have kids' type stuff. Also it can be really hard if you are trying for a baby and other people know how much you want them and attempt to say all the right things or to give advice. THAT'S why a lot of women withdraw.
I have had a close friends give me all sorts of advice, some of which I have found extremely insulting. Ihave also had a lot of people completely ignore the fact that I might be finding certain situations hard.

I can tell you one thing... women who are going through the difficutlies of infertility often really hate the way they are behaving. It's really hard to deal with the rational VS the emotional and it's no wonder some women become withdrawn.

Having fertility problems can be a terrible thing to cope with. she must have been screwed up by it if she dropped a friend because of her pain.

I think you should be sympathetic and accept her back wholeheartedly.

If I wanted to - I could link you to my blog from the last year and you could all see how unreasonable people can be in this situation!

"Unless you have walked a mile in her shoes, don't be too quick to demand grovelling on her part as that is totally not what true friendships are based on"

Well, to be fair, dumping someone without explanation or apology isn't what true friendships are based on either. Try walking a mile in the shoes of someone who has been dumped by a friend in these circumstances, just around the time she got dumped by her DH (now XH). This happened to someone I know and she was absolutely shattered by the double rejection - she said it took her years to get over the feeling of utter unloveability and rejection it left her with. Losing her friend was, long term, far worse than losing her husband. I don't see why her pain can be dismissed because that her ex-friend was going through.

it shouldn't be dismissed, there needs to be understanding on both sides.