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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friend has phoned after 2 years to say she now feels she can talk to me as she has had a baby

68 replies

Baysmum · 20/10/2008 21:52

I had a fairly good friend who I lost touch with after I had ds1. There was no big falling out or anything, she just stopped returning my calls. I tried to keep in touch for a while but obvioulsy had to stop once it became obvious she wasnt playing ball so I then limited it to a friendly xmas card with a basic 'how are you?' message. Anyway, she has called out of the blue today to say that she can now speak to me again as she has recently had a baby. Obviously there have been fertiliy issues which must be hard but I cant help feeling bit miffed that Im sposed to say 'oh ok, welcome backinto my life, no questions asked'. I havent had fertility issues BUT some other pretty major stuff has happened in the last couple of years where I would have appreciated a friend. Am i just a nasty old cow?

OP posts:

Original poster

Baysmum · 20/10/2008 22:08

You're obviously v decisive ScottishMummy but I guess I am not so clear cut in my thinking. I'm not majorly upset just don't want to look or feel like a doormat.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 20/10/2008 22:10

I think most people who experience fertility problems do manage to coe with havig friends with children, and friends who are pregnant, etc.

But we don't know exactly what hapened for this womn, if it was just that or an accumulation fo things that made her cut others off. She could have become very depressed and stopped contact with people as part of that. Without knowing what happened and why, it seems unfair to cast her aside as a selfish person to leave alone.

But you have to decide is she is someone you actually want to be friends with. If she is, then it is probably worth going with the flow and giving her a chance. If you aren't botered, then keep her on the Christmas card list and leave her to do the running.

Sobernow · 20/10/2008 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScottishMummy · 20/10/2008 22:12

look you said no acrimony,no fall out just drifted.so hey resume contact, see how it goes

no point going looking for angst worry or "what if's".why not see what happens without any assumptions

sometimes silences are good.things can just be. obviously you both had a mutual spark so why not see if it still there

Hulababy · 20/10/2008 22:20

Could have been depression though, not just fertility issues. And, as we see on MN a lot, depresson can lead to all sort of problems.

MilaMae · 20/10/2008 22:26

I had years of fertility treatment, friends with babies is one of the worse thing you can experience when going through it.

Sure I did the same far easier for all involved, you're often in no fit state to see further than the next round of treatment. I've had friends who have done the same to me and I quite understand.

look on any fertility site lots of posts from women not sure how to cope with yet another positive for other people.

Get her a card/present and celebrate with her.

ScottishMummy · 20/10/2008 22:28

life is too short to ruminate about the why's and what's.share in her happiness.rekindle the friendship

don't sweat it if she doesn't offer any explanation or account of herself or non-contact

and to an extent why should she?she had her reasons,but now is looking to resume the friendship

be flattered after time,she still sought you out.that does mean something.indicative that you had meaning and significance after 2yr that she contacted you

Heathcliffscathy · 20/10/2008 22:28

i think it's up to you. but being big about this would be a good thing.

NOgirlsallowed · 20/10/2008 22:32

Yanbu but I can sort of see it from her point of view too. I can remember being in a position when I so desperately wanted a baby that it hurt emotionally seeing other women (friends) having babys. I know it seems Totally ridiculous and irrational to women who have never had fertility issues. Yes I was jealous and thats not a nice thing to admit too. It was not my friends fault and I would never have admitted to them my feelings and thoughts. I thought horrible thoughts that I'm now ashamed of like why is x able to fall able to fall pregnant at a drop of a hat when I cant? I remember feeling so miserable that I couldn't even LOOK at a baby without feeling choked up! I would also avooid looking towards baby clothes shops (I worked in the city centre and I had to walk by them to get to the bus station and I would physically turn my head away I must of look really odd! I remember after my 1st miscarriage (the joy of falling pregnant at long last followed my total devastation) I actually walked the long round my church deeliberately turning my head away so as to avoid a new baby that had been born at around that time. I did this for many months afterwards. I'm not telling you this for you to feel sorry for me but just so as you know that fertility issues as you describe them can present a woman with real deep emotional problems and maybe that was why she distanced herself? I now have 2 lovely boys btw!
Sorry if its a bit garbled - all the old emotions and memorys coming back abit!

UniversallyChallenged · 20/10/2008 22:34

Having a baby changes your POV so much she has perhaps realised she needs you and made a mistake of not contacting you before.
I know I realise what daft thing I said and did before children that make me cringe now

colacubes · 20/10/2008 22:42

Well I think she has been very rude, and very hurtful. My question would be this, are women she has met and befriended whilst TTC now banished as they are a stark reminder of her struggle, or are they banishing her because she is a stark reminder of theirs??????, I think its bloody stupid, an excuse for being a rude selfish friend.

sunnygirl1412 · 20/10/2008 23:24

I've been in this situation too - but my friend explained at the time how it would be too hard to see me and my children having just been through two miscarriages. Whilst I was hurt by this, and as I was going through PND, I did need friends, I did understand how she was feeling, though I mourned the loss of the friendship.

If she got back in touch now (other than the christmas card round robin letter that I get each year) I think I would take it a step at a time and see how things went.

The worst that can happen is that you find that the spark isn't there any longer or you can't get past the hurt of what she did, and at that point you withdraw. But you might find that you get a friend back.

elkiedee · 20/10/2008 23:32

I don't think you'd be being a doormat if you arrange to meet up with your child and her baby, though there's a bit of an age gap of course. Fix up something and see how it goes. Let her know you felt a bit sad. Then once you've met up again see if she initiates further contact.

TeaTime · 20/10/2008 23:37

I well remember being childless and single so not much hope of children either and meeting a schoolfriend's mum who was so pleased to see me and wanted me to get back in touch with her daughter who was married with 2 kids. Objectively I had no reason not to but I felt raw and rotten and jealous and so was cool and distant which isn't normally like me. Now I have a ds I would happily get in touch (too late now of course) as I have my self respect back (does that sound pathetic?). So basically I understand your friend and hope that you'll forgive her. Sometimes these negative feelings that cause distance are not easily controlled. She didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sure.

twinsetandpearls · 20/10/2008 23:46

I would try and reestablish the frienship , she was your friend and that should count for something. I am a soft touch though.

OlaMamas · 20/10/2008 23:56

Hope you don't mind me jumping in... bit of a mumsnet virgin...but really needed someone to talk to....not on this issue but spotted it by accident! was one of those....maternal mad from being a child myself...you neva think you're not gonna just get pregnant. Had so many fabulous friends.. love kiddies...was a teacher... tried for 4 years.... went through EVERY test going.... don't think you can ever appreciate how hard it is to see friends anyone, people you care about now becoming parents whilst you watch from a distance. The only way you can protect yourself is to put that distance between you as your lives become sooo different. Don't be too hard on your friend. Both me and my husband spent quite some time begging forgiveness from our very close friends for shutting them out of our lives and not being there for them at what thankfully we have gone on to discover is a very stressful yet amazing time in your life... becoming a parent!

OlaMamas · 21/10/2008 00:01

NOgirlsallowed!!!!! U and me both!!! Still feel bad though when I think back to the friends that phoned and txtd me....how was the scan??? Did you hear the heart beat???? and in truth when they were going through I didn't want to know!!!! I am a god mother to 3 children and every time but one it was an ordeal to be there and smile!!!!!

bellabelly · 21/10/2008 00:10

I think at some point you need to let her know taht you were hurt when she dropped you as a friend. HOWEVER, there are lots of friendships that just naturally drift apart for no particular reason. At least you KNOW (now) what the issue was and why she distanced herself from you.

Having experienced the pain of years of trying to get pregnant with no luck, I can honestly say that it does send you a bit mad. Now I am finally a mum, I really don't understand why I felt so jealous and messed up such a lot of the time but I know that I DID.

She, I think, now wants to re-build a friendship with you and if that even remotely appeals to you, go for it. If not, then just tell her it's too late (but I think you'd regret that!).

AlexanderPandasmum · 21/10/2008 00:39

I don't agree with those that are saying that the OP's excuse is a poor one. I can imagine fertility problems can make it very difficult for you to cope with babies. It's not the same as being single and childless - if you are trying month after month or going through invasive treatments it must be horrendous.

I haven't got a severe fertility problem but when my first baby was stillborn I found that my friendship with a work colleague who had a baby the same age really suffered. She did say a few insensitive things and really seemed to have no idea how hurtful she had been, but even if she hadn't I imagine we would have drifted away anyway.

I also have a friend who is still trying after 6 years of fertility treatment (she conceived a little girl but she died at 23 weeks' gestation, 3 years ago). She was actually very good when she met my DS but if she had found it hard I wouldn't judge her as I think I would be the same.

The fact that your friend has sought you out means that she feels the friendship is worth striking up again. She has probably longed for the day when she can talk 'mum stuff' with you. SO I would say give her a chance.

MadamDeathstare · 21/10/2008 02:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeeInMalaysia · 21/10/2008 05:57

To MadamDeathstare: that person is sooo insensitive. What a selfish bitch!

My cousin had fertility problems and when I became pregnant with ds1 we had less contact, untill it all came out after a family wedding. She said that I stopped calling her and thought she was 'put out of the club' because she couldn't get pregnant and that at the wedding everybody held my son apart from her and was it 'because she was incapable of having her own child that she would also be incapable to hold mine?' That really hurt and I didn't do it intentionally I just didn't want to shove the baby under her nose knowing she was having trouble. I was hurt too though because she didn't call me either and never even sent a card when ds1 was born.
Basically she said it would have helped to talk to her more.

Basically: i'm very lucky to never have had fertility problems and I see that different people react in different ways. Maybe it's an idea to talk to your friend. Sometimes loss of contact works both ways.

jenkel · 21/10/2008 06:06

Another one here that can kind of understand why your friend treated you like that if she has gone through fertility issues.

Thankfully, when I was going through treatments I didnt know any close friends that had babies, but I distanced myself from all babies really, we also didnt tell anybody, even family. I done such a good job that my Mum was convinced that I didnt like or want children, oh how wrong she was.

So dont be too harsh on her, and if you want to rekindle the freindship perhaps just mention how hurt you were or just leave it as it is.

traceybath · 21/10/2008 07:36

I'd resume the friendship - probably took a lot of guts for her to call you. Infertility is dreadful and all consuming as others have said she may well have been depressed.

Also surely you've been in the situation where you mean to call someone but never get around to it and then it just gets a bit too long and awkward - so good on her for calling you.

I remember when i was ttc no 2 feeling very hurt by a pregnant friend who just seemed to drop me. I was really struggling as it seemed i would never get pregnant and she never was around. Found out subsequently she had ante-natal depression. We're really good friends again now.

Sobernow · 21/10/2008 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveMyGirls · 21/10/2008 08:00

I'd give her a chance but explain you were hurt.

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