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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh really need some help with this

38 replies

MrsSnape · 20/10/2008 12:23

This is stressing me out something rotten. Looking for advice/opinions.

Background:

DS1 started karate over a year ago. He really took to it and has graded 3 times, is due to go in for his orange and has entered a few competitions.

I used to do karate but quit. However, I expressed a wish to join up again to DS's teacher. He convinced me to do so...so in January, I joined to. I have now graded twice and lost quite a bit of weight.

Thing is, when we were training 3 times a week it was costing us £30 a week. I'm a single parent, currently unemployed and whilst I don't think the class itself is expensive...I just couldn't justify spending so much on it per week. Especially after I booked a holiday, we just couldn't manage.

So we cut it down to twice a week which instructor wasn't really happy about but I'm still finding it really hard. I'm paying £20 a week for karate whilst having to explain to the water company why I'm late paying them etc. It just seems stupid that we're going without essentials whilst paying £20 a week on something that really isn't all that important.

Thing is, instructor isn't very understanding and when we don't turn up, I'm sure he thinks its just because I can't be arsed. He knows I'm a single parent and don't work but I still feel like I'm in bad books everytime I skip a class.

Tonight for instance....I've just drawn £10 out of my bank for karate when I'm £20 behind with the water.

I'm considering just sending DS1 on his own like he used to. That way it's only £4 a session rather than £10 a session....he still gets to train which is more important to me and I'm not left totally skint.

Yes I know I'm a quitter etc but at the moment I have more important things on my mind and can be doing without this stress.

Feel a bit shit about it all.

AIBU

OP posts:
FAQ · 20/10/2008 12:25

no - YABU - you should prioritise the bills over "extra" stuff - you can always take up the Karate again at a later stage once you're in a better position financialy

Flier · 20/10/2008 12:27

no, yanbu and its a bit off that you should be made to feel like this. I'd quit and keep your DS going and explain that you can't afford it, unfortunately and tell him how gutted you are.(with a bit of luck he may reduce your fee)

hanaflower · 20/10/2008 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConnorTraceptive · 20/10/2008 12:27

Not unreasonable just practical. I've cancelled my gym membership and taken ds1 out of nursery for similar reasons. it's but needs must

NannyNanny · 20/10/2008 12:27

Can you just send your DS for now and maybe when you have a bit more money you could join back again? Not very helpful, but sacrifices always have to be made.

FAQ · 20/10/2008 12:27

sorry that should of course YANBU

LaMonsterWeaselwolf · 20/10/2008 12:27

I think you're instructor is nuts to expect you to come every time if it's too expensive. I know it's a bit sad when you enjoy something, but you can't be paying for karate and not your water. That's crazy, and you know it is.

You need the essentials, sort out the rest with what's left, and if that ends up just being DS1 going, or you doing only 1 session a week - then that's what you're stuck with.

Dioriffic · 20/10/2008 12:28

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MrsSnape · 20/10/2008 12:30

Well there is no membership fee so what I'm thinking of doing is maybe just 'looseing' right back on my own training. So some weeks if I have the spare money, I'll go...if not, I won't whilst keeping DS is regular twice a week training.

That way, I'm not really quitting, I'm still staying "involved" so to speak and when I have more money, I'll train more often?

I just don't know how to approach him over it I don't know whether to send DS in on his own and just avoid instructor myself or make a point of explaining properly why I'm not training?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSnape · 20/10/2008 12:31

Dioriffic. Yes that was me, he's left now.

OP posts:
SalLikesCoffee · 20/10/2008 12:32

Of course YANBU. I would explain to the instructor that you really can't afford it now, but that you would love to join again when you have some spare money left over. That way it won't be awkward to join again if you want, and he'll understand that it's not out of choice.

In his defence, there is no way for him to know why you reduced attendance until now anyway. It would probably be a relief to hear you would have loved to continue. And you never know, he might reduce the fees temporarily anyway.

themoon666 · 20/10/2008 12:34

I'd make a point of explaining to the instructor.

SalLikesCoffee · 20/10/2008 12:35

Hmm, I'm typing too slow. In response to your last question - be honest with him, he'd have more respect (I think anyway) if he knew the reason, else it would look as if you just can't be bothered anymore.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 20/10/2008 12:35

The prices have just gone up because the venues are charging a fortune for him to use them that's why I know why he charges what he does (still cheaper than most classes in our area) but I just can't afford to keep handing over £10 a night twice or 3 times a week.

I'm dreading telling him because I don't think he'll be very understanding

OP posts:
ib · 20/10/2008 12:36

Have you actually told your instructor that money is the issue? If you have, he's being an arse. If you haven't, then you should not assume he can infer from your circumstances the details of your finances.

I would call him and explain exactly what you have said here. Maybe suggest he give you some exercises to do at home when you can't come to class? He may feel that it's hard to progress much on only 2 days a week, but there's no reason you can't do some training at home too.

ib · 20/10/2008 12:38

Sorry I type really slowly.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 20/10/2008 12:40

Well last week I asked him how many attendances we'd had (in view of grading soon) and he said we'd had loads of time off and didn't sound very happy about it. I did mention then that I was finding it hard with money being tight but he didn't respond. He has mentioned before though that he knows its hard when more than one family member is training and he has given DS a suit before so I think he knows we're not exactly rolling in it.

I know it's his passion so he obviously see's karate in a different light than most of us do (to me, its just a hobby and a great way to lose weight) so its hard to see this situation in a similar way I suppose.

OP posts:
Flier · 20/10/2008 12:48

yes, and it is his business too, he won't like to lose customers

duchesse · 20/10/2008 12:49

Please don't tell me this man's initials are EH- he sounds uncannily like my sister's psycho ex, who is a karate instructor.

SalLikesCoffee · 20/10/2008 12:53

Well, if he's that funny about it I guess it might be more stressful than fun for you eventually anyway. Could you do something free (jogging etc) to stay fit and let your ds continue with his classes?

thehairybabysmum · 20/10/2008 13:10

I do Tae Kwondo and only train weekly as DH does footie on the other night it's on, i also sometimes have to miss a session if DH not home from work in time.

My instructor good about this. I think you should explain to your instructor that whilst you love going regular you just cant afford it at teh mo but you will keep paying for your DS and attend odd sessions whenyou have got money. At the end of the day your water supply is more important.

You can always do your patterns (ifyou have themin Karate) at home so you dont get rusty in the mean time.

At the end of the day even if he's not v. understanding then its tough on him as keepingyour jead above water is more important. We ae all having to be more careful at teh moment.

thehairybabysmum · 20/10/2008 13:11

I do Tae Kwondo and only train weekly as DH does footie on the other night it's on, i also sometimes have to miss a session if DH not home from work in time.

My instructor good about this. I think you should explain to your instructor that whilst you love going regular you just cant afford it at teh mo but you will keep paying for your DS and attend odd sessions whenyou have got money. At the end of the day your water supply is more important.

You can always do your patterns (ifyou have themin Karate) at home so you dont get rusty in the mean time.

At the end of the day even if he's not v. understanding then its tough on him as keepingyour jead above water is more important. We ae all having to be more careful at teh moment.

LazyLinePainterJane · 20/10/2008 13:21

Well, he won't be pleased because he has money to make and you not going means he makes less.

But karate is not compulsory and I wouldn't take him talking to you in a disapproving manner like an unimpressed parent. You pay him for a service, he is not doing you a favour.

If you cannot afford to go, that is it. Pay the bills first.

rosysslave · 20/10/2008 13:30

And it is not up to him to be 'not happy' about it ,it is nothing to do with him, I mean I know how he feels about loosing money but at the end of the day his income is not your responsibility and he has no right to make you feel bad and if he can't understand that things are tight for you at the moment then I am not sure I would want to give him my money in the first place.

Ivegotaheadache · 20/10/2008 13:37

Just tell your instructor that you only be sending ds adn you'll pick up your training again when your finances pick up.

Who does he think he is to be disapproving of what you decide to do? You're a grown up not a child, and he's not your father/teacher/whatever - so just tell him, be confident and don't apologise for it!

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