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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In Laws hijacked DS's birthday - I'm spitting mad!!! (Long, sorry!)

36 replies

angemorange · 20/10/2008 10:32

My DS was 2 last week, but was poorly - bad cold/cough & cutting his two eye teeth. After a week of sleepless hell my DP and I decided to cancel his birthday party as he was in no form for it. My family and close friends were fine about this, but in laws not too pleased. They asked my DP to bring him to see them, so they could give him his pressies. I wasn't happy about him being taken out and had row with DP, who took him anyway. When they got there a party had been organised, with food, cake, their friends & neighbours. When they returned my DS was totally hyper - lay on floor screaming as over-tired, unwell, etc. and we had to deal with consequences for about 2 hours. My DP is totally remorseful about taking him and has apologised to me. I'm sooooo angry about this!!!!! Anyone any ideas how to deal with over-bearing in-laws????

OP posts:
childrenofthecornsilk · 20/10/2008 10:34

Cheeky things! Get your dp to tell them it was totally out of order.

missingtheaction · 20/10/2008 10:35

not surprised you are spitting mad but best route to inlaws is dp. Happily real fault lay with DP taking him and it looks like DP has learned his lesson so next time you can jsut say to dp 'remember ds's 2nd birthday...?' with a warning look.

also make sure inlaws know what a mess dc was when he came home

but i wouldn't phone and rant - just drop it into future conversation.

it's very unlikely to happen again.

fizzpops · 20/10/2008 10:37

Perhaps your DP should let his family know what havoc it caused. It is frustrating when you can see something coming and everyone else chooses to dismiss it, and then what you feared comes to pass.

Having said that they probably didn't know how unwell your DS had been - sometimes people have to see for themselves - so maybe more blame rests with your DP? Did he get left to deal with overtired DS?

Hope he (DS) is feeling better now though - shame to happen just before his birthday.

chapeloffearstickchick · 20/10/2008 10:37

Before you react think carefully- they are his grandparents,maybe your ds would have behaved similarly anyway if he was tired and poorly?

Im not saying they were right Im saying choose your battles ......grandparents can be a great asset.......

ComeOVeneer · 20/10/2008 10:39

YANBU. Sounds like just the thing my ils would do. They knew you had cancelled his party because he wasn't well. Totally disrespectful to go behind your back like that. Hope ds is feeling better!

combustiblelemon · 20/10/2008 10:45

It's really down to your DP. You cancelled because your DS was ill, but your DP decided he was well enough to see your ILs- in their eyes that will probably confirm that he was well enough for a party.

I would talk to them directly. Don't be angry or accusing, just explain that you did cancel for a reason- DS was unwell- and that he was very upset/ill after he came home.

Original poster
angemorange · 20/10/2008 10:57

Thanks everyone - I think I just needed to vent this morning. I know I can't take it out any more on my DP - he's racked with guilt as it is!! I think I just need to keep my temper and not get into anything heated....
Yes, fizzpops, he was left with bedtime which was probably punishment enough

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 20/10/2008 11:01

Couldn't they have come to see him, briefy ,on his birthday, rather than taking him out to see them?

But as you say DP has suffered enough and got the point!

Original poster
angemorange · 20/10/2008 11:04

That's my view OrmIrian - but let's just say they don't do short visits!
Think the main problem is my MIL has a total lack of empathy - she means well but can't really see past herself. To her she was going to have a party to show off her grandson to all and sundry and a minor matter of him being unwell didn't enter her head!!
My DP was married before and quite tolerant of in-laws but this is my first MIL and I must say I'm finding it hard .....

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 20/10/2008 11:05

Wow.

Did they not think that you would have wanted to be at your son's birthday party too?

Did they not think that you, as his mum and dad, knew what was best for him on this particular day of his being unwell?

Do you think they'll actually care whether he has apoplexy for two hours after the party? Of course not because they got what they wanted, completely over ruled your role as your child's mother.

The worst of it is that they'll keep on doing it because they can. You say no and they'll say yes and your DS will learn to manipulate that very very quickly.

Tortington · 20/10/2008 11:05

i would phone them up and say

" as his mother i didn't think it was best he had a party. i do not appreciate you ignoring my requests.

let this be a warning. we shall forget this now but dont piss me off"

OrmIrian · 20/10/2008 11:06

Oh dear. That must be difficult. My MIL is lovely. And DH is fond enough of her but happy to be fond from a distances so our relationship is great. Not sure how I'd cope with an awkward one.

WinkyWinkola · 20/10/2008 11:06

That is definitely the best way as per Custy's suggestioin.

Be steely and annoyed.

Don't let them think they can every bypass you again.

Original poster
angemorange · 20/10/2008 11:07

That's what I'm worried about WinkyWinkola - my DP is off to day and taking him to the doctor anyway as we're worried about his cough - so he was obviously ill.
Problem is - do I risk fall-out with in-laws or just bide my time and wait till I'm feeling calmer about it all before I raise it with them?

OP posts:
Original poster
angemorange · 20/10/2008 11:09

Think steely and annoyed is good way to go - I've just thought I can also get revenge via xmas gifts!! Rubbish pressies for in-laws all round

OP posts:
soultaken · 20/10/2008 11:19

Does your dp have parental rights? Surely taking your son anywhere without your permission is abduction. I'd point this out to him in no uncertain terms.

Tortington · 20/10/2008 11:23

on a serious note - you need to nip this now - or have years and years of strife - just ring her and put her in herplace

mabel1973 · 20/10/2008 11:41

Your in laws sound exactly like mine. Over bearing and never listen to a word I say (in fact I was just going to post a thread about them!).
I have put up with it for 4 years now and to be honest I have learnt to let it wash over me. My MIL is particularly bad, but she will never change, I have come to realise that now.
I don't think you should say something, I certainly wouldn't, my in-laws have their uses, they have the DS's for me and feed the cat whilst we are on holiday, little things, but things that are useful and I wouldn't want to lose that.
I think it is up to your DP to say something to them, to try and be diplomatic, but make sure they understand the trouble they have caused you and how difficult your DS was to deal with, it was also totally out of order for them to go behind your back like that and they need to be told.
However ringing them yourself and having a go will affect your relationship with her in the future and if you do want her to have a raltionship with you and your DS then you need to tread carefully.

kristatwin · 20/10/2008 11:44

I agree, i always think it is best coming from you and not your DP, DP will not actually say what he means, she needs to be told, have same problem with MIL, always feeding the twins choclate and puddings, amongst other things, and they are hyperactive afterwards, hence i then have to deal with two terrors who wont go to bed, and it infurates me.

Kewcumber · 20/10/2008 11:47

are you serious soultaken?

ComeOVeneer · 20/10/2008 11:49

Soultaken, you are being utterly ridiculous!

thegreatescape · 20/10/2008 11:58

Totally agree with winky - I'd be really upset to have to cancel my son's birthday party and even more upset that he had one anyway and i wasn't there! Specially with a load of people I didn't even know.

Explain why you are upset/pissed off, maybe she doesn't realise have cheeky/insensitive she has been.

kristatwin · 20/10/2008 12:01

Sorry Mabel1973 i disagree, i think it is best coming from you, MIL will only know you have put DP up to it, it has to come from you, and it does not have to turn into a row, just point out i know you mean well and we both want the best for him blah blah, but feel little upset that you went behind my back.

thegreatescape · 20/10/2008 12:05

Also find mothers can be good at manipulating their sons and when I have asked dp to talk to his mother about stuff, it just hasn't happened basically. I think men aren't always good at standing up to their mothers!

God, hope i don't ever become one of those overbearing mils.... or maybe i should...(starts musing on future evils...)

TheHedgeWitch · 20/10/2008 12:08

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