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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another SPD thread sorry - AIBU to refuse to sleep on an airbed?

34 replies

babymt · 19/10/2008 10:27

I apologise this is another SPD thread. But I really have no idea if I'm being unreasonable or not.

I'm 13 weeks pregnant and my spd is playing up already. If I do alot in a day, for example walking round the shops or lifting my youngest up the stairs (shes 2) then I get so seized up and its obviously painful. Luckily its not too bad because I'm only 13 weeks and not got that big a bump yet.

Last time I was preg it was sooooo bad I started not being able to go out because the pain was so bad and I didn't hardly get off the sofa for the last 6 weeks. I'm trying my hardest to do everything by the book to avoid the pain this time.

Now dh wants us to go stay at his sisters next weekend but shes only got single airbeds that we can sleep on. The thought of sleeping on an airbed makes me almost want to cry tbh. I know I'll hardly sleep because it will be painful (I already wake several times in night in pain) and even getting up off floor will be a huge challenge. Theres no sofa for me to sleep on even. I don't know what to do! Dh really wants to go and thinks I'm just making excuses because I don't want to stay (which I don't).

So AIBU to refuse to go? Or should I just go and suffer? What I also think is relevent is that we're going to be out all the day before walking around a zoo so I know the spd will be playing up before I'm even asleep.

I could either say we all have to come home or I won't go at all and he can stay.

OP posts:
BBeingpatient · 19/10/2008 10:31

cant you just ask them to give you thier bed, IMVHO it is the polite thing to do to offer your guest the comfiest bed anyway. YANBU

MurderousMarla · 19/10/2008 10:34

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Blondeshavemorefun · 19/10/2008 10:37

YRNBU

normally i wouldnt give up my bed for a guest (tho do have 2 spare bedrooms)

but

if my friend was pregnant ( and spd),I would def give my bed up for that one night

just ask sil if you could have her bed

hope your spd gets better - sory i dont know what it is?

soultaken · 19/10/2008 12:38

YANBU - I wouldn't sleep on an airbed and I'm not pregnant.

Go and come home in the evening
Let DH and dcs go on their own
Go and stay in a local hotel
Have the in-laws over to yours

any of the above would be fine

compo · 19/10/2008 12:39

book into a B&B

No1GruffaloHunter · 19/10/2008 12:41

I am lucky and haven't had to deal with SPD but sleeping on an airbed when pregnant? I don't think I'd fancy it either.

YANBU. But is there another solution eg B & B?

rosmerta · 19/10/2008 12:54

babymt, sympathies, I do have spd & its a struggle on a normal bed. Can't imagine how it would be on an airbed!

I think you either go & come home in the evening or let your dh take your dd, stay over & you have a break. I don't know how to get your dh to understand how bad it can be, as my dh doesn't get it either.

Original poster
babymt · 19/10/2008 14:02

Ok seriously on the giving up your bed thing? I a. wouldn't do that (but then we've always had a guest room or a big sofa) and b. wouldn't even dream of asking someone else to give me their bed.

I should also add a bit of history to this coz its probably relevent. My MIL a few months back decided to get a hump on with me and ranted at me how I was unadaptable, no fun, ruining my kids lives because of it, didn't fit in the family, etc etc because I refused to let my kids sleep on the floor in a room 2m squared with 3 other kids (so 5 kids aged between 18months and 7) in this tiny room. Ridiculous. Anyway I thought it was totally unfair and its very much affected our relationship and dh and MIL's relationship too. So now I know I'm going to be digging myself further into this hole making me look awkward and unadaptable.

If I don't go I look like I'm being arsey. Its my neices birthday. SIL hasn't suffered spd and has had easy pregnancys so doesn't understand. I don't think anyone really understands the pain of spd until they have experienced it.

B&B isn't an option as dh wouldn't pay for it and I don't have the money to pay for it. Plus its stupid that we can't just come home. Its only 1.5 hours drive.

I'm gonna speak to dh about it now since you've all agreed I'm not being unreasonable. Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
babymt · 19/10/2008 17:25

I told dh I wasn't staying at SIL's. And oh god now he has suggested staying at MIL's! This is what got us into trouble last time. Turning up uninvited (I didn't know that at the time) so I told him I'm only going if she invites us and isn't going to get an arse on about us leaving early.

Bloody families!

OP posts:
kazbeth · 19/10/2008 17:34

This reply has been deleted

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Aero · 19/10/2008 17:42

YA definitely NBU! I've suffered pelvic pain with all three pregnancies and being stuck on the sofa has left me in tears. The pain can be so extreme that an airbed is out of the question for sure!

I also wouldn't ask for use of their bed, although if it were a friend of mine, I'd certainly offer my own bed as I understand the pain. Is SIL likely to offer her bed if dh explains the problem?

spookyrookie · 19/10/2008 17:46

YANBU, I hate airbeds and am not keen to sleep on them without SPD. I can't think of a way of you getting out of it without offending everybody though.

Have to say though I'm bemused by all these kind mumsnetters who offer their beds to visitors. I'm afraid ours have to make do with the double in the spare room.

Original poster
babymt · 20/10/2008 10:18

No I don't think SIL would give up her bed even if dh explained. TBH I think shes stirring the situation to make my situation with MIL worse. Shes a bit like that. Shes also very selfish.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I think it might be best for everyone if I just don't go.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 20/10/2008 10:33

to be honest, I don't think I'd go. I have SPD and know how awful it is. I'm 21 weeks now and it stared a few weeks ago and with my last pregnancy (just over 2 years ago) I had it from about 20 weeks and it was terrible. The last 2 months I could barely move. It seems that no matter what you do someone will says its wrong so sod them and do what is best for you, your health and your new baby. Good luck

rosmerta · 20/10/2008 12:10

mumoverseas took the words out of my mouth! Was going to say it sounds a bit like damned if you do & damned if you don't, I think the best thing is just to take care of yourself and sod the rest of them!

LittleMyDancingWithTheDevil · 20/10/2008 12:13

If they're going to be ridiculous and make trouble for you then I wouldn't go. We've always given up our bed for pregnant friends exactly because we know our sofa bed is ok but not very comfy, and because we know how difficult it is to sleep when you're pg.

I'm 17 weeks and wouldn't sleep on an airbed despite no SPD.

And I'd be cross with DP if he didn't understand my reasons, either.

YANBU.

LilRedWGoreandguts · 20/10/2008 12:14

TBH, I think that you will struggle walking around a zoo all day with SPD. Have a chat with your DH and remind him how bad it can get. Why not suggest that he takes the children for the night and you stay at home. Ignore your MIL.

zipzap · 20/10/2008 12:44

babymt

YAdefinitelyNBU to not to want to sleep on an airbed with SPD, especially after a day out at the zoo.

sorry to hear about spd - having suffered with it in both pgs I know how miserable it can be.

going off at a slight tangent...

At least second time around SPD was 'better' as I knew what it was - and was able to manage it better. I spoke to the midwife about it at my booking in appt and as it was already starting I got her to get me a physio referral straight away - last time it took me months (albeit at a different hospital) to get taken seriously and then an appointment, this time I had my first appointment before 16 weeks and it made a big difference in managing both the pain and the problem.

do you still have a hip belt/support that you could use to (sorry if you are already doing this) or could you get hold of one before you have to do lots of walking around? I don't know if you found it helped last time, but second time around, when the physio gave me one (didn't have one from previously) it was just such a relief to put it on and feel the support! Closer to the end I then had a couple of different ones that were extra supportive as the bump got bigger. But I am sure that being able to stabilise my pelvis and have that support and regular checks from physio to make sure nothing got too far out meant that I was a lot better this time around that I would have been had I had the same treatment as last time if you see what I mean.

Being able to say that I was being treated by the phyio from early stage also meant that others had to take it seriously and that it wasn't just in my mind -might help to focus DH, MIL and SIL on the fact that you are in serious pain. On one post somewhere on here, somebody's dr/mw/physio (can't remember, sorry) had told her and her husband that if he wanted to know what it was like (he was thinking along the lines of a bit ache-y I think) that he should imagine being kicked really hard in the balls and then imagine that as a constant for months and months, getting worse as the baby gets heavier and with spikes of pain with movement. Needless to say after that I think her dh was a lot more understanding - might be worth a shot...

Having said all that, it was still very painful though!

good luck...

Original poster
babymt · 20/10/2008 17:19

Zipzap - how about I just kick dh in the balls really hard regularly? ;)

But thanks for the info. I never saw anyone last time because I knew they'd just stick me on crutches which I couldn't use because I have RSI in my arms and can't bear weight on them and also had a toddler to look after. How would you push a buggy and walk with crutches?

Anyway this time I've already booked to see an Osteopath (whos recommending Pilates afterwards.....I sooooo can't see me being in to that!). And i bought a belt but haven't taken it out of the packet but will tonight . I'm really struggling today and feel foolish not looking overly pregnant and walking around with a seriously odd looking waddle/limp.

Oddly whilst catching up on this thread MIL rang and invited us to hers to stay. She was really snide and shitty with me but I feel much better for sticking my fingers up at the phone and mouthing "fuck you" to it. I don't think I'm going to go. I'm so sick of them all I think I'll just leave it till the day and then say I don't feel well and don't want to go and dh can take the girls on his own. Its his family not mine (which they've made very clear to me).

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitch · 20/10/2008 17:26

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StayFrostyShiversDownMySpine · 20/10/2008 17:27

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Sycamoretree · 20/10/2008 17:30

YANBU - we stay at a hotel every time we visit my SIL.

When DH and I first got together, he took me to visit her and neglected to mention we'd be staying on a double airbed with their dog as an additional "bonus" bed friend - suffice to say we very nearly did not date much beyond that first weekend. I make no bones of being a of the princess and the pea persuassion

I didn't sleep a wink all night. Call me precious, I don't care, but I said never again. For as long as we could afford to sleep comfortably, I would not return to that bloody airbed.

If you can afford a hotel or a b&b, do that. Otherwise, tell your DH to sort out the bed swap with SIL or else you're not going.

crokky · 20/10/2008 17:34

YANBU. Have lots of sympathy for you. I suffered horribly when pg both times (not with SPD, but other complications). Seems like nobody has any idea what sort of pain you are in.

IMO, SIL either gives you her bed or you don't go.

Turniphead1 · 20/10/2008 17:53

YANBU. I refused to sleep on my SiL's very small and uncomfortable sofabed for exactly the same reason. Stayed in a hotel instead.

ChloeAnderson · 20/10/2008 18:17

Had severe SPD last pregnancy so completely sympathise with you. I'm only 7 weeks pregnant and was getting twinges last night..... grr.... I'm determined to lessen the extent of it this time.

Thanks to ZipZap for the tips on conquering next pregnancy.

No way would I sleep on the airbed by the way. So sorry that your in-laws are so rubbish. I'd just cry off sick and have a day to yourself...