to want notice of guests?

[HormonalHorror]

DP and I have a two-month-old baby. He had a number of provisional guests lined up for this weekend - a couple of friends he'd put off last weekend and his parents. I asked him to find out when they would be here, or suggest times to them. He said that was ridiculous and that they would most likely just phone one of the days and say they might come at a certain time - if we were in we would say OK come on over and if we were out we would say Nope we're not there. He said to phone up and say "You said you might come, can you say when that might be" would be rude and that I should learn to fall in with things more easily.

DP is a very easygoing sort of fellow and admittedly I am not. I'm prone to the blues and while nine times out of ten I'm happy enough to have spontaneous visitors, the tenth time might be a blue time for me and I really don't cope well with it. The other nine times I love people calling in, I'm sociable, I love to see them.

We've clashed about this before, e.g. the day I came home wiht the new baby his sister came over about an hour after I got home. I was bleeding really heavily and just not really on form to receive her. Another sister came to my hospital room one night (I only had my mum visiting, the baby was in intensive care). Another time a sister and his mum came and I was really really tired and he was cross, saying I hadn't made enough effort.

Well sorry to bore but the bottom line is that as there's been a bit of history about DP bringing people spontaneously at times which were bad for me, I've got a bit over-neurotic and now want him to pre-arrange everything. I don't particularly want to be like this but I feel I have to protect myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I mad, neurotic and unwelcoming? I should add that I like his friends, I like (though am not close to) his family, and of course I love him very much.

I have changed my name for this because if there are any useful replies I want to be able to show DP this thread without him seeing my normal username and popping off to read all my pregnancy/labour posts about discharges and piles and whatever. I know all about the trollery and worse than trollery that's gone on here over the last couple of weeks.

YANBU

I like unexpected visitors, but when my little ones were born, I wanted some privacy and some warning before I had to smile and be polite etc. Your partner obviously sees it differently, he isn't being difficult he just doesn't see the problem.

I hope it gets sorted out and congratulations on your little one!

Either they give a time and you are wonderfully sociable, or they don't and you can't predict what head space you will be in.

It sounds like a no brainer to me. These are the two choices your other half has. There are no other choices. If he continues to do things his way and you are not sociable - he cannot pick you up on it.

Personally if you don't know these people well enough to call them yourself then I would let them "pop in" and go and have a sleep.

YANBU. You have a young baby and I agree with the comment that whatever you want you should have - except maybe not the diamonds . But it is totally UNreasonable for people to expect you to be sociable with a young baby, especially when your OH seems to expect this to be all day! As for telling you off for not making enough effort - he deserves to be evicted.

Naturally people want to see the baby but you should be saying when you are ready to receive visitors. And if that is it's Ok for an hour on friday then your OH goes with that. And if the house is a tip and you are in your dressing gown then they accept that, make you tea and tell OH he should be doing more to help. Its extremely rude of your visitors not to specify a time.

Does he want what is best for his child or to please his friends and relatives?

Yanbu.

I loathe droppers in - have got one friend who does this a lot and always at the most inconvenient times. She did it a few weeks ago when DH had taken children out and i was having an hour to myself and then she arrives with her 2 small children - i was not impressed.

Also i am a total control freak and like my house to be a certain way when people come round.

I wish i could be more relaxed but i just can't.

However DH did test me a few weeks ago when he arrived at midnight with a client from work who needed a bed for the night. What fun that was .

I think that it would be fair to say that you were being unreasonable, if this had not been the way it was since your baby was born. So, you would have had the privacy that you needed when you were bleeding, sore, uncomfortable and now you have settled down and can see people as and when.

I do not think it is fair of your DP to say that you should be making more of an effort, as him how it would feel to receive unexpected guests who want tea and chat when you are bleeding post birth and all sore and your breasts are leaking and you really don't feel as if your body is yours.

It's difficult though, because the subject should possibly have been broached before now but that is no excuse for the way you have been treated. It is not under any circumstances alright to drop in on a newborn and family whenever you like and anyone that thinks it is needs shooting.

YANBU at all.

I hated having ANY visitors at all when DD was a newborn. All they wanted to do was see the baby and wanted to know when would be a good time - I don't know she hasn't got a routine and if I knew when she was going to be asleep for a good stretch or indeed on her five minute window of being awake and happy I would go to bed/ have a shower/ get some food NOT invite people round.

All those who say you are being controlling are probably the same people who are happy to let other people tidy their house/ cook them meals/ make tea etc. I am just not like this I am afraid.

What I want more than help is peace and quiet and time to adjust to having a new baby and get into my own routine. I would be tempted to shut yourself away with the baby and sod them if they think they are more important than you and the baby.

I have read all your posts - am going to church but will reply later.

Thank you.

Hello.

Well we had another scrap and I showed DP the thread after we'd calmed down a bit. He was a bit iffy about being judged by people who had never met him and don't know all the circumstances of our lives (obviously not realising this is the whole point of MN!!) but did read a lot of the posts. He got a bit sick of people saying YANBU (after he'd figured out what that meant) but agreed with Smiley who wrote

"Your partner obviously sees it differently, he isn't being difficult he just doesn't see the problem."

He apologised for not appreciating that it was an issue for me and said Would Try Harder. We had six adults and four children on Sunday afternoon and I even baked a cake . Had splitting headache last night and this morning, think too much stress and crying over weekend, but things are now a bit smoother between us, which is the main thing.

Thanks all .

Side note: I've often seen people saying "I'm going to print this off and show it to that pushy mother / the headmistress / my noisy neighbour / my loathsome MIL" and wondered if that's effective.

While it was effective for me - in that he did come to see my point of view - I think it was also a bit brutal, it's not nice to read so much criticism of yourself. I feel a bit as if I rolled in the cavalry just to win a fight.

YANBU i was so stressed after emcs and having a long stay in hospital , when we finally got home i just wanted to rest and heal, dp had other ideas and sometimes it werent even him, he has 1000000000000000 relatives and friends who would just turn up, and sit around for hours on end and the worst was he expected me, ME ffs, to get up and play hostess!!!!! this was literally the whole first month of being home.my mum stayed with us for a while when i came home which was invaluable, but everyone just visited so often i felt like crying almost everyday. they also mucked up DDs early sleeping pattern as they all want to see the baby and DP like an idiot woke her up on several ocassions just to show her of. tell him that you need to know when and if they are coming for your own sanity.

it isn't nice to see so much criticism of your behaviour but he shouldn't behave in a way that merits it. Sometimes when attitudes are deeply ingrained it is necessary to have a real shock to the system.

A mother protecting her young baby has to do whatever is necessary. I'm sure you won't be doing it for every row you have