Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want notice of guests?

61 replies

HormonalHorror · 18/10/2008 19:36

DP and I have a two-month-old baby. He had a number of provisional guests lined up for this weekend - a couple of friends he'd put off last weekend and his parents. I asked him to find out when they would be here, or suggest times to them. He said that was ridiculous and that they would most likely just phone one of the days and say they might come at a certain time - if we were in we would say OK come on over and if we were out we would say Nope we're not there. He said to phone up and say "You said you might come, can you say when that might be" would be rude and that I should learn to fall in with things more easily.

DP is a very easygoing sort of fellow and admittedly I am not. I'm prone to the blues and while nine times out of ten I'm happy enough to have spontaneous visitors, the tenth time might be a blue time for me and I really don't cope well with it. The other nine times I love people calling in, I'm sociable, I love to see them.

We've clashed about this before, e.g. the day I came home wiht the new baby his sister came over about an hour after I got home. I was bleeding really heavily and just not really on form to receive her. Another sister came to my hospital room one night (I only had my mum visiting, the baby was in intensive care). Another time a sister and his mum came and I was really really tired and he was cross, saying I hadn't made enough effort.

Well sorry to bore but the bottom line is that as there's been a bit of history about DP bringing people spontaneously at times which were bad for me, I've got a bit over-neurotic and now want him to pre-arrange everything. I don't particularly want to be like this but I feel I have to protect myself.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I mad, neurotic and unwelcoming? I should add that I like his friends, I like (though am not close to) his family, and of course I love him very much.

I have changed my name for this because if there are any useful replies I want to be able to show DP this thread without him seeing my normal username and popping off to read all my pregnancy/labour posts about discharges and piles and whatever. I know all about the trollery and worse than trollery that's gone on here over the last couple of weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHorror · 18/10/2008 19:53

You are so right

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 18/10/2008 19:53

YANBU.

Your dp sounds fab

I am sure he is already buying you lots of choccies, massaging your feet, doing all the laundry and making the dinner every night. Good for him, he sounds great. - apart from his tiny little fault of liking people to drop in when you are knackered after giving birth and prone to bursting into tears.

(how's that? will it work?)

nickytwoooohtimes · 18/10/2008 19:54

With a young child, I would expect notice.

Original poster
HormonalHorror · 18/10/2008 19:55

Hassled, the very point he made this afternoon was that he always compromises and I never do. So I should compromise on this. And a lot of the time he does compromise, he's not lousy or anything.

OP posts:
Othersideofthechannel · 18/10/2008 19:55

Seriously though, you didn't actually say that he had lost his temper with you. I think that is very unreasonable of him and he lacks understanding of how much hard work it is in the first months.

Original poster
HormonalHorror · 18/10/2008 19:55

Ooh I should have expected a nice bit of sucking up to DP from a lollipop!

OP posts:
clam · 18/10/2008 19:56

Ooh! I will! You have recently had a baby, fgs. NOTHING you request is unreasonable. Chocolates, peace and quiet, diamonds......
I understand exactly how you feel, and my youngest is 10. Sometimes you just don't feel like being the whoopy party-giver. And you (and he) know this is not normally how you are, therefore it's down to the baby, and therefore is Not To Be Questioned.

Original poster
HormonalHorror · 18/10/2008 19:56

Yes we had a big scrap about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHorror · 18/10/2008 19:57

Sorry, I should add that I lost mine too. There were two of us in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHorror · 18/10/2008 19:58

He is frustrated that access to the baby is through me. I am exclusively bf but even if I weren't am very attached to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
HormonalHorror · 18/10/2008 19:59

Diamonds??!! Oh go on then perhaps a teeny tiny pair of studs.

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 18/10/2008 20:01

Regardless of new babies I hate not having notice of when people are coming!
Ils do this all the time, don't tell us when they are staying at BILs 20 mins drive away. They ring us when they get in the car as we are not much of a detour when they get on the motorway.
So they ring at 6.15 and expect us to be all ready for visitors at 6.30.
I have tried 'can you give us some notice' to no avail.

You absolutely CAN ring people and say 'it will be lovely to see you but can you give me some idea of time you plan to visit as I will be out/napping/feeding/taking baby to park.

(DP once text me when I was on mat leave with ds1. To say his parents had text him to say theyd be there in 10 mins. You have never seen me shift so fast to get that baby in pram and off up the road to the park. 10 mins later they ring 'where are you?' oh I'm at xyz friends 10 miles away '
Its not that I don't like them (much), I just wanted to MAKE A POINT.

hannahsaunt · 18/10/2008 20:02

One of the few advantages to spontaneous guests in the early days (heck, at any time ) is that they have to take you as they find you (and your dh needs to be aware that this is how it will be). If you aren't dressed/showered/whatever then so be it - if you can't face altering that state when they arrrive - so be it. Or, you suggest that they get the kettle on and hold the baby whilst you take your time to have a leisurely shower/time to get dressed. If the kitchen/living room is a tip - so be it. I have lovely friends for whom this wasn't an issue - they had come to see me (well, probably the baby really) and didn't mind what kind of state anything or anyone was in.

Sometimes I found planned visitors much more stressful because then there was an expectation of decency, tidiness, preparedness to receive visitors. But at least I wouldn't have just gone off to sleep...

Pros and cons...you need to do whatever is most comfortable for you - happy mummy = happy baby (and thus happy dh)

scaryfucker · 18/10/2008 20:18

flibberty, I love what you did to make a point!

Weegle · 18/10/2008 20:36

YANBU - access to the baby inevitably is through the mother at this stage in their life... that's not to say other family members can't build a relationship with baby but you are number 1 in the baby's life at the moment and that does need to be respected.

I actually don't think this is a massive area of compromise - not whilst your baby is this young. I think whatever needs to be done to make you feel comfortable in your own home, and building a relationship with your baby comes ahead of the needs of visitors.

It sounds like your DP is great and wanting to show baby off - great, but you need to be happy with the terms that it's on. And I'm actually shocked he ticked you off for not being hospitable enough whilst you were still in hospital after giving birth whilst your baby is in special care (have I got that right?)

Witchka · 18/10/2008 20:47

YANBU. Whilst it is often nice to have unplanned guests, when you have a tiny baby it can be a nightmare. Unfortunately it is also when everyone wants to visit. I hated it every time someone came to see me except my mum. Its no fun when you're hormonal, borderline depressed, got mastitis, bleeding etc and you're supposed to chat like you're fine. My dh saw that I was crying all the time and my default setting was simpering on the sofa so he knew not to invite too many round. We still had to play host to nearly everyone we knew for the first 2 months of DS's life. I think that's the same for most people though isn't it?

GodzillasGhastlyPutridBumcheek · 18/10/2008 20:51

Of course YANBU! I still expect advance warning of visitors even though my youngest is nearly two now - common courtesy innit.

llareggub · 18/10/2008 20:56

If they do call round unexpectedly you really must hand them a hoover and a duster and get them to work. Or tell them to bring a lasagne. And on no account should they expect a cup of tea made, they can do that themselves.

God, I remember being at home with DS when a newborn and trying to get breastfeeding established. All he wanted to do was feed and all I wanted to do was walk round with my norks out. My MIL kept asking me if I'd be more comfortable in the dining room, away from the assorted guests cluttering up my sofas. My response was not pretty and she soon got the message that I'd breastfeed whereever I bleeding wanted to in my own home.

When DS2 or DD1 is born there will be Very Strict Rules about vistors.

onepieceoflollipop · 18/10/2008 21:03

llareggub good for you. I regret not speaking more firmly to my own ils with their f*d up ideas of b/f being "embarrassing" and disgusting. I was quite though when fil approached me (bumbling idiot that he is) and I mentioned quietly that I was feeding.

He leapt back like he had seen something awful. He respected my personal space a little more after that I must say.

mashedbanana · 18/10/2008 21:04

yanbu.my dh told mil and bil to come for dinner tomorrow.dh away til tomorrow and the house is a mess as decorating everything been put in dining room so nowhere to eat.told him to postpone til later in the week when more organised.haven't been shopping as dd been ill this time last week she was in hospital.dh never asks if its ok to invite people round really annoys me.when dd was born hadn't been home 30 mins before visitors banging on door and phone constantly ringing drove me mad.next time will be different thats for sure.

megatea · 18/10/2008 21:12

I think your husband needs to practice being a little more empathetic. It does sound like he's a sociable chap, and that he's proud of his baby, which is wonderful, lovely, great, etc. But it's very early on in this little baby's life, and in your life as this baby's mother, you have just been through labour, birth, you are still hormonal. Two months might seem long enough to an outsider, but I know I did NOT feel normal after having my baby for at least 5 months, actually it's been 7.5 now and I still feel like I'm reeling from it all sometimes! Although my sociability levels are completely back to normal, but they definitely were not at 2 months!

A 2 month old baby is still very very little, you are still in a precious and sensitive time, your natural instincts will be to protect your nest and it's contents, and it would be great if you felt supported in that rather than having to get ultra-defensive about it, which will only make you more determined, make you feel like you're being weird, and that in turn will make you feel even more unsociable..!!

There are ways of fending people off, for example, you can pretend you're going to be going out at x time, or that you will be out shopping until x time, so no one can come around before then etc. I used to do this all the time, and still do sometimes when the house is a tip and I need some extra time to prepare for visitors! They need not know that you're imposing time restrictions on them really, just give the impression you have a busy life (which you do!), and your husband should try to help you with that.

You protect your nest girl, and don't be ashamed!!

cupchar · 18/10/2008 21:14

Your dh can have guests but he should do everything for them

nickymorris · 18/10/2008 21:35

Before the birth I told people that they couldnt' come and see us unless I'd said yes. And that they were on no curcumstances to 'just drop in'. DH thought I was going a bit Over the Top but once DS had arrived he understands how knackered we both are and how unpredictable our lives have become.

Plus it's nicer for the guests. If they say the're coming at 11 then I will make sure I have clothes on, that baby is awake and that we have milk in the fridge (and sometimes a cake in the oven . If they were to turn up unannounced the chances are I'd be in my pj's, baby would be asleep so they couldn't give him a cuddle etc...

If you explain it to DH that way round - that you want them to be able to have quality time with your DS rather than have to creap around the house with him sleeping... would that work?

Also the phrase 'I know it's a bit rude but.... ' works wonders. When the MIL is round I often go upstairs for a powernap leaving DH and MIL to entertain DS. I've made sure that DS is looking cute/clean and then can bugger off for a rest . And getting that phrase in first shows that you know you're not using normal social conventions and are asking for special dispensation - but noone in their right mind is going to say you can't...

Bonnycat · 18/10/2008 21:35

YANBU and as for being cross that you "hadnt made enough effort" and !

amicissima · 18/10/2008 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread