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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at my friend for inviting a stranger to our girls night out?

77 replies

TheBightyMoosh · 17/10/2008 12:23

I genuinely can't work out if I'm over-reacting or i should just let it go - can you help me decide?

I've got a small group of girlfriends - we all worked together about 4 years ago, and have been pretty close ever since. We used to go out together about once a month, as well as meeting up individually in between. Recently we've not met up as often - I had my dd almost 9 months ago, and a couple are in new relationships, so it's been a while since we had a proper night out. We've got a date in the diary for next week, my bf is babysitting, and I really can't wait, as it's my first proper girls night out since dd was born. One of the group emailed yesterday to inform us that she had invited a friend of hers to 'our' night out. I am a bit upset as i was looking forward to a night out like old times - i'm not great with meeting new people, so i don't want any awkwardness on the night - so i was wondering if i should mention that i'm upset to my friend, or should I just leave it?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 17/10/2008 15:13

Don't think our new pal has quite got the point of this forum. Hey ho.

I can recommend Comment is Free on the Guardian website if you prefer to debate the bigger issues.

Dainese27 · 17/10/2008 15:21

I prefer winding you up thanks Morris.

It's far more entertaining than being in a forum with people who don't worry about meeting a stranger on a night out. It's a wonder she didn't ask to hire her local town as to limit the strangers she had to socialise with.

Shocking, as you well know.

mppaw · 17/10/2008 15:21

Umm....back to lurking on MN for me, as most threads get too nasty too quickly for my liking.

totalmisfit · 17/10/2008 15:27

this is the kind of mentality which is making it impossible to make friends in my new town.

Bloody cliques, share and share alike, you can't own your friend etc etc

hollyandnoah · 17/10/2008 15:27

yabu,
The group havent met up in a while, maybe she doesn't want to show up on her own. Maybe her friend needs to meet new people, make friends. She could be really fun.
I've had the same group of friends sinse starting high school (i'm 22 now) 5 of us. We always done everything together. But other people always come out with us. It's not members only or anything! Be kind - that is how you make new friends.

Lotster · 17/10/2008 15:28

Actually I think bollocks to everyone telling you how unfair and mean you're apparently being! ducks

You don't get out as much as you used to, you probably like me and the rest of us have to make polite conversation with all the other flippin mums you meet through your child, and groups, and coffee mornings etc etc etc day in day out, and actually that can be quite tiring.

When you get together with a special group of friends you can let your hair down, talk about your secrets and RELAX...

So no YANBU to be a bit miffed, your feelings are yours and you are entitled to them. You will however, have to put up with it and I really hope she's great and feels like "one of you" so you can talk about all the stuff you were looking forward to.

MorrisZapp · 17/10/2008 15:30

Why of course. She was worried about meeting a stranger, that's what her post was all about.

Personally I could cheerfully debate these daft wee 'social traumas' all day long which is why I come to forums like these.

Glad I don't have to hang out with people who only debate life or death issues, sounds a bit dull to me!

mppaw · 17/10/2008 15:35

[mental note : when on MN agree with the majority]

AbbeyA · 17/10/2008 15:37

I agree with totalmisfit-I hate cliques. No wonder newcomers find it hard to make friends! It all sounds rather like a primary school playground-friendships change and move on-your friend can be someone else's friend too!

MorrisZapp · 17/10/2008 15:37

None of us own our friends, misfit. My best pal for instance is vastly more sociable then me (wouldn't take much, huh), and has oodles of other great pals she goes with to yoga, art gallerys, chick flick films, spa days, meals out and generally all the stuff I am too grumpy busy to do with her!

But when it's been ages since I've seen her and I want to chat about all the deep stuff etc, I don't want anybody else there at that time.

I'm not precious about who else she socialises with, but I am precious about my own time and what and with whom I choose to spend it.

mazzystartled · 17/10/2008 15:37

I think you have to leave it, or risk sounding mean and needy.

I think you are being unreasonable to be upset - because its not like it was just you and one other person going out, and you are now going to be a gooseberry, and if your friend likes the person then hopefully you might too. I do totally empathise though, if you rarely get to go out any more and if you are a wee bit shy with new people.

This will only be an issue if you let it be, so just go out and enjoy yourself. You will probably find that you object more to the idea of someone else coming along than the reality.

kerryk · 17/10/2008 15:39

i dont think the op sounds childish at all.

and comments like "Wow how old are you - 12????" sound ssoooooooo mature btw!!!

DandyLioness · 17/10/2008 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MorrisZapp · 17/10/2008 16:03

We all have somebody in our lives with whom we can be absolutely ourselves, with no need for politeness, self censorship or thinking before speaking - and what luxury that is after a hard week/ month whatever.

To give an example. On this thread somebody has taken exception to Colleen whatsit saying that the credit crunch isn't a big deal, as it has been a very big deal for her own family. Totally fair enough, she is NBU in being annoyed.

But on a night out, do I want to have to think about everything I say, in case it is taken hurtfully by somebody whose 'back story' I'm unfamiliar with? I could make that credit crunch comment myself, or even make a joke about it, and not know that this stranger has been put on redundancy notice or something.

It's so easy to hurt or offend when you don't know somebody well. The answer to that is of course, to be polite and considerate with people people you aren't on 'cheerful insult' terms yet. But there are some times in my life when I am not ashamed to admit I want to get drunk, have a wicked laugh with my best pals, and be absolutely myself.

MorrisZapp · 17/10/2008 16:06

... though like all the others on here I agree that the OP simply has to accept it, and will no doubt have fun when she gets there! I think that's what she decided herself.

Oooh, can't wait for that Magners on ice in two and a half hours....

pamelat · 17/10/2008 18:16

Whilst I said the OP was being unreasonable, somewhere amongst this thread !

I think that comments like "its not life and death"/"surely there are more important things to worry about" are missing the point entirely.

AIBU is not generally a "serious" topic. Am sure that the OP realises that it snot life and death. I think that she (sounded) like she was asking for genuine advice (sometimes when we arent neutral in a situation its easy to let emotions cloud rationality blah blah blah) and she even admits that she has been unreasonable (which remember I agree with)

No need to get so personal??? Deep breath, red wine all around. Although I may now upset the tea totallers amongst us?

Original poster

TheBightyMoosh · 17/10/2008 18:18

I'm glad some people can see where I was coming from here - and have taken the time to read what I was saying, and make some helpful contributions. I've even had a laugh at some of the not-so-helpful comments!

OP posts:

Tyme · 17/10/2008 18:46

YABU

I had a group of 4 friends that I met up with regularly and now I have quite a few more to chat to on nights out as everyone is welcoming of anyone new.

We have just organised a night out for Xmas and there will be about 20 of us.

Definitely the more the merrier.

You can still see your close friends on your own.

Original poster

TheBightyMoosh · 17/10/2008 18:57

"red wine all around"

I'll drink to that pamelat!!

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 17/10/2008 19:06

If you want to have a heart to heart you can meet one friend on your own for that purpose. To exclude a person that you haven't even met is very unfriendly-she might become a future close friend.

Liffey · 17/10/2008 19:18

I also feel more relaxed amongst people I know, but, despite initial nerves or maybe shyness, I nearly always end up liking friends of my good friends.

She'll understand that you have all known eachother a while longer.

Go with an open mind, and if you honestly feel the evening was completely ruined by this woman's presence, come back and tell us!

bundle · 17/10/2008 19:33

"I know this might sound awful to some but I have great friends already and I'm not looking for new ones"

with an attitude like that, I'm surprised you have any in the first place

Rubyrubyruby · 17/10/2008 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee · 17/10/2008 23:35

YABU. You are an adult not a teenager. Don't mention it and be nice toher.

LittlePushka · 17/10/2008 23:49

Agree with mumeeee. A friend of a friend could become a good fried and rue the day when we complain we have too many friends.

mumeeee - hijack (did you post on cbeebies grown ups re brum recently? If it was you, I got the mumbly words!)

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