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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell off visitng child?

76 replies

upsetandangry · 15/10/2008 19:15

like when they are round playing in my garden (age 5/6)? If say dd goes to the loo and while gone the visiting child corners one year old ds in playhouse pointing at him, holding his clothing and hitting his face with a stone ?

Is it wrong to run over removing visitor from ds shouting "hey what you doing" then march the child back home? Should something different be done? I did then confront parent who indicated i was out of order for upsetting their child and they are 5 so it is an allowable activity? I am all a fluster.

WHat would you do in this situ - did i get it all wrong? Relations are already strained!

OP posts:

googgly · 15/10/2008 20:59

5 is easily old enough to know. My 2 yr-old knows he shouldn't hit people, though he still does. I would be furious with him if he hit someone in the face with a stone, or anything else. If my 4 yr-old did it I would be astonished.

googgly · 15/10/2008 21:00

Hit a one yo in the face with a stone that is. Wouldn't be in the least surprised if he punched his brothers or threw toy cars at them

KatieDD · 15/10/2008 21:06

I have had 3 five year olds of my own, thank you very much.
Yes they would know hitting was wrong, no they wouldn't appreciate the damage caused by a rock.
I totally agree with how the OP handled the situation but for others to go on and comment this child is in some way mentally ill is beyond ridiculous.

KatieDD · 15/10/2008 21:07

I'm not suggesting she wasn't trying to hurt the baby, but she wasn't trying to kill him either.

2shoesdrippingwithblood · 15/10/2008 21:10

YANBU
so not

Flamesparrow · 15/10/2008 21:15

Ooh this has spiralled.

5yo should know not to hit people with stones/rocks etc.

She is not ill or disturbed or bullying, just needs some decent guidance.

U&A was perfectly reasonable. The mother was odd.

Reallytired · 15/10/2008 21:36

Anyone who thinks that five year old children are incapable of nasty bullying has never been near a primary school or thread any threads in education/ primary education.

I have a six year old boy. I have met plenty of five year old boys and most of them been well behaved, but there have been certain exceptions. Usually when they have been over tired.

They have done nasty things to each other like biting, spitting, hitting when they have lost their temper. Usually their behaviour is impetious and they don't worry about who is watching when the red mist decends. I don't think what the OP describes was red mist decending over a five year old.

Personally I think that a five year old hitting someone with an implement (Ie. holding the stone/ piece of slate in their hand) is a level of violence that is very unusual.

A five year old is school child. They are not a toddler or a pre schooler fgs. Five year old children are not that gormless. I agree that there was no intention to kill, but there was certainly the intention to hurt the baby nastily.

KatieDD · 15/10/2008 21:44

So why is the age of responsibility set at 10 for criminal behaviour then, if every 5 year old knows right from wrong and is accountable then the prisons should be full of playgrounds and dolls houses for all the little reprobates.
She is a child.

ThingOne · 15/10/2008 21:53

YANBU but were probably a bit unwise to go round when you were still so mad. It's bound to get the other mother's defences up.

I would take my two year old home for hitting a child in the face with a rock, never mind a 5 year old.

I do think four/five year olds can be systematic bullies. I've had two bad experiences lately with four/five year old girls.

mummy87 · 15/10/2008 21:55

yanbu. by the way is your one yr old ok?

Original poster

upsetandangry · 15/10/2008 21:58

He has a very faint red mark near his cheek/ eye which had almost faded at bedtime which he liked to point to at bath time - he is fine though thanks . Whispers..... my one yr old is not far off 2 but regardless he is still a baby.

OP posts:

Ebb · 15/10/2008 22:03

I think most 5 year olds understand right from wrong but don't nessecarily understand the consequences. My 5 year old charge, in a fit of piqué, kicked a stone at his best friend which caught him on the head. Of course head injuries bleed a lot so it looked far worse than it was.
My charge was traumatized and far more upset than his injured friend. He was so apologetic to his best friend who actually only had a very small cut. He hadn't done it with malicious intent and I am fairly sure he will never do anything like it again.

However he would never have done it to a baby and he was so sorry. Did this child show any remorse? I think you reacted very well in the circumstances and I wouldn't have her back to play for a while!

salsmum · 15/10/2008 22:10

U&A,
I really was quite shocked when you went on to say that this was infact a 5 year old GIRL that injured your son. My youngest girl is 19 so long time since I had a 5 year old but I just thought you were posting about a boy doing this, only because some boys play quite rough.
I hope your little lads o.k. does this show a sign o the times maybe that girls are now just as rough as boys?.

Original poster

upsetandangry · 15/10/2008 22:13

Eb no remorse just shocked perhaps at her swift extraction from the garden - like i say she said to parent she didnt know what had doe wrong - maybe we will get an apology tomorrow . She has a brother about 5 yrs older who plays v rough liking to launch self out of 14 foot tree onto trampoline for laughs

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 15/10/2008 22:20

"does this show a sign o the times maybe that girls are now just as rough as boys?"

they always have been. I used to fight horribly at school, with boys, with girls, and I'm not shocked to see it is a girl. Girls are just as capable of violence. There is nothing intrinsically fluffy about girls, violent girls are not more 'deviant' than violent boys. Violent women do, however, get treated a hell of a lot more harshly in a court of law, so it is unsurprising to see that the attitude of "boys will be boys" has pervaded every aspect of society.

Boys will be energetic, impulsive and fidgety, and loud. But I resent the implication that boys are more likely to stove a poor little toddler's head in with a rock. The most violent child at ds2's playgroup is a girl.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 15/10/2008 22:24

i just wouldn't let her back in to play. If she thinks she has got away with it this time, lord only knows what she'll do to your baby next time she is left alone with him. And i just would not take that risk.

Let her find other "friends" to beat up on until her mum gets the message she's being nasty and starts to take some control.

ps glad the little un was ok this time.

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 15/10/2008 22:32

YANBU - i recently took a 3 year old to task for smacking my 17 mo ds across the face, repeatedly and with no provocation, not usual toddler-wrestling / pulling/ pushing etc. (I know my fault for going to hideous soft play area) ds was just standing looking around him and this child came up to him and starting literally smacking him across the face. I was soooo mad and angry, resisted every temptation to seize said child by the arm but was mad as hell, used super-scary voice to ask what he was doing and made him take me to his mother so I could tell her what he was doing. and this child was 3 - so a 5 year old, no way is this acceptable at all. in my case I did wonder sadly where the 3 year old had learnt smacking with open palm across the face though...

Ebb · 15/10/2008 22:43

To not show any remorse is not good. If her brother plays rough though perhaps she is being bullied by him and taking things out on your Ds because he's smaller and 'that's what older children do'. If her Mum isn't stepping in and stopping the brother playing rough then maybe she does think it's acceptable.

I did a temp job in Sydney whilst travelling and looked after a 5 year old who was horrid to his 8 mth old sister and his Mum just let him. He stood on her hands oneday and the poor baby was crying and Mum said 'oh he's just finding her pain thresh holds. He doesn't understand.' Yes he does and if he doesn't he needs to learn pdq! Some people are odd in what they think their child is capable of understanding or not.

Reallytired · 15/10/2008 23:12

No one has suggested that a five year old is criminal that needs to be jailed. All I have said is that this is a child who needs help. Prehaps her parents need parenting classes. Her behaviour is not normal.

If you think it is normal behaviour, have you ever seen a five year old act in this kind of manner towards a baby?

Would you be shocked if your five year made a completely unprovocated attack on a baby using an implement? You could understand a five year old being jelous of a new sibling, but this baby is unrelated.

Most five year olds have some concept of right or wrong. Children don't overnight understand to the difference between right and wrong. If a child has problems with developmemt then its reasonable to seek help.

unaccomplishedfattylegalmummy · 15/10/2008 23:14

Jaysus I probably would have tanned her arse. My 5 year old dd would KNOW hitting a baby with a rock is wrong.

KatieDD · 15/10/2008 23:51

Because your DD is being parented, it is doubtful that this child is getting much of anything by all accounts.
I am surprised you are the first to suggest tanning her arse by the way, I'm not sure I could have resisted.

serendippity · 16/10/2008 15:02

YW Definatly, definatly NBU! a 5 year old is absoltly old enough to understand the damamge smacking a small child in the face would cause!
If it were the other way round and my 4 yr old dd was marched home due to such an incident i was be FURIOUS with her, and very pleased the other parent took it so seriously.
Sounds like a strange parent who would excuse such behaviour in their own child tbh.

jumpingbeans · 16/10/2008 15:10

Perhaps you should have smacked her mother or father in face with a brick, might have got the point over, not nice is it

nappyzonehasastroppytoddler · 16/10/2008 19:27

Just checked in to see how thread going .... i was upsetandangry but reverted back to usual name. I expected a knock tonight at least and perhaps an apology. Have had neither but hey ho.

KimiTrickOrTreat · 16/10/2008 19:39

YANBU

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