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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are there so many children with bad mannars ?? Surely please and thank you aren't that hard to say ?

81 replies

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 19:48

I probubly am but this is a real pet hate of mine, children with no manners.
It grates on me when you say to a child "hello, how are you" and they just say "fine" often in either a drowning or a blunt tone. When I was young I was taught to say "I'm fime thank you" or somthing similar but always with a thank you on the end. My daughter says it and she's 3 and has a speech disorder, so there's no excuse. A lot of children seem to have no concept of please and thank you anymore.
I know I shouldn't care what other children are like, but it makes me sad to think that my daughter will be starting school soon and I don't want her lovely manners to disapear just because it dosn't seem to be the norm amung children these days.
Do you agree, or am I about to be slated?.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 21:37

I think the most lovely manners you can hear are those which arn't parrot fashion,standard responses in a drowning voice but ones that they really mean.

My daughter spent an afternoon playing with her Grandma, and when it was time to go she said to her "You made me really happy today". I had to repeat it, as Grandma didn't understand what she'd said. It was so lovely, compleatly un prompted and meant.
[proud mummy]

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 13/10/2008 21:40

I've got a thing about kids saying thank you too, especially for presents they've very kindly been given!

However, looking at the broader picture, I don't think kids can give true gratitude until they are old enough to understand what the adults in their lives have done for them.

I was the typical 'thank yooooo' and then running out of the room type as a kid, and as for thank you letters, I had to be nailed to the table to write them.

But now I am truly grateful for all the wonderful things my parents, gdpts etc did for me and gave me, and I can express it fully and sincerely with no prompting.

The only way to get a truly genuine thank you from a kid is to give them something that they really truly love - their spontaneous reaction will be all the thanks you could want.

Original poster
mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 21:45

True.

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 13/10/2008 22:02

My 3 and 6 year old have to be constantly prompted to say thank you. They frequently forget despite regular reminders. Many of their peers seem to be similar (also despite reminders from their parents). They are also reticent about talking to or acknowledging adults - unless they know them well and are comfortable with them.

Your attitude / assumption (my 3 year old does it so why shouldn't all children...) is deeply irritating - it infers that children who do not exhibit textbook good manners are the product of poor parenting / parents who do not 'bother' to instill good manners....and that frankly often isn't the case.

Not all children are the same, and not all parental interventions work precisely the same way with all children.

Bride1 · 13/10/2008 22:06

Some very rude children go to my son's smart prep school. Catch them saying thank you.

By contrast there are some gorgeous kids at the state primary my daughter goes to. Living in

Twinklemegan · 13/10/2008 22:13

There's nothing snobbish about the OP. IME many children just don't have communication skills full stop, let alone manners. My 2 year old DS says please and thank you (albeit with some prompting) and says hello and bye bye to everybody, and I make an effort to talk to children as well when it's appropriate. Many other much older kids just look at him, and me, blankly. Do they not talk to each other at home, or what?

smartiejacktheripper · 13/10/2008 22:14

This really bugs me. My dd has a friend who never says thankyou without being prompted.

I have given her so many lifts recently as her mum has a bad back and can't ferry her to and from ours. She lives 5 miles away so it's not exactly round the corner.

The last time I took her home she got out of the car and slammed the door without a backwards glance. Her step father met her at the door and made her say thankyou to my dd (but he made no attempt to wave to me sitting in the car 15 feet away.)

We are not talking about a toddler here either. She is 13! Yes she is a private school pupil but there again so is dd and she has impeccable manners.

ra29 · 13/10/2008 22:45

yabu - manners are boring. Table manners are even more boring. Being kind is important but that has nothing to do with manners...

Twinklemegan · 13/10/2008 22:50

It has everything to do with manners! It's all about respect for others isn't it?

sunnydelight · 13/10/2008 22:56

"manners are boring" - and we wonder why there are so many rude kids around!

devilsavacado · 13/10/2008 23:40

My DS has selective mutism so never answers people when they ask how he is etc.
I as his mother find it really difficult to find the right way all the time to explain to people and feel I should'nt have to go into detail.
Am always getting asked in front of DS "can he talk","what does his voice sound like"

He also has a phonological disorder so is very wary of getting hos words wrong.

I would say to the OP don't be so quick to judge and be thankful that your daughter can reply when asked.

TotalChaos · 14/10/2008 09:06

"I also worked as a nursery nurse for many years and wouldn't give anything to anybody without please and thank you. Further I would only say it the first and second time what my expectation was and after then would wait until the language/manners came. I am a teacher here and do the same with my students (both adult and child alike). Its works !!!!"

. or did you make an exception for kids with language delay?

Bubbaluv · 14/10/2008 09:32

OFGS clearly no one is talking about children with speech problems. Are we to expect nothing of all children because some children are not able?

lingle · 14/10/2008 09:34

True manners can be defined as making other people feel at ease. To an extent, the desire to put others at ease can be demonstrated by adherence to a particular form (saying please and thankyou). But to a very limited extent only. If your guest puts their elbows on the table but then notices that you don't and blushes, you should put your elbows on the table too. That is good manners.

The rudest people at our school gate are the ones who never forget to give an icy thank you and a cold smile. Sadly, they confuse form with substance. The rudest little girls I've seen are the ones who ostentatiously say "please" when it's their turn because another child has forgotten to do so. Yuk.

It is, of course, sensible to teach a child to say please and thank you. But it is hard for a child to really demonstrate good manners. DS1's school report said that he often let other less confident children join in with his "gang's" games. I told him that helping others feel included in this way was good manners and I was very very proud. I couldn't give a toss whether he said please to the shy children he included.

TotalChaos · 14/10/2008 09:34

she said that she wouldn't give "anything to anybody". Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she did make an exception for children with language problems. Some pre-schoolers with language problems do slip through the net and/or end up at nurseries where staff are clueless.

FioFio · 14/10/2008 09:37

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lingle · 14/10/2008 09:37

Ah, have just realised that I demonstrated bad manners by boasting about DS1.

Tclanger · 14/10/2008 09:48

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cory · 14/10/2008 09:49

By happychappy on Mon 13-Oct-08 20:00:19
"Try living in Italy the manners are disgusting, not jus the kids the adults to, It's shocking sometimes"

Could it be that they are just different manners and that you are offending against their manners in a hundred ways that you don't even notice? [smile}

When my Mum comes over she is always grumbling that English people have no manners. But I can see how she is offending against English manners. Just minor things- but they are different. Manners are like languages; you've got to speak the right one!

cory · 14/10/2008 09:51

Could we make allowances for horribly shy children. I was one of them.

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/10/2008 09:54

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handlemecarefully · 14/10/2008 10:13

Excellent post lingle

Tclanger · 14/10/2008 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgiemum · 14/10/2008 10:32

I think there is a lack of manners generally. In my local M&S there are some staff who manage transactions with customers without even saying one word to them (although some there are absolutely lovely and polite).

Just yesterday I was waiting to cross the road and a motorbike came haring up to the corssing and screetched to a halt, revving his engine. A lady waiting to cross scowled at him and he started yelling abuse at him. She started yelling and swearing back.

I think more people must be having strokes these days...

mm22bys · 14/10/2008 10:34

DS1 is 4, and we've been trying to instill the pleases and thankyou, but hey, he's only 4! It is meaningless if we have to force (remind him) it out of him. Sometimes he does surprise us and says it spontaneously - that's the best! He doesn't do it often, but I agree, if you want good manners they need to be modelled by the parent...

YABU