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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why are there so many children with bad mannars ?? Surely please and thank you aren't that hard to say ?

81 replies

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 19:48

I probubly am but this is a real pet hate of mine, children with no manners.
It grates on me when you say to a child "hello, how are you" and they just say "fine" often in either a drowning or a blunt tone. When I was young I was taught to say "I'm fime thank you" or somthing similar but always with a thank you on the end. My daughter says it and she's 3 and has a speech disorder, so there's no excuse. A lot of children seem to have no concept of please and thank you anymore.
I know I shouldn't care what other children are like, but it makes me sad to think that my daughter will be starting school soon and I don't want her lovely manners to disapear just because it dosn't seem to be the norm amung children these days.
Do you agree, or am I about to be slated?.

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 20:18

We know parents who have good manners and are really lovlely people, but their daughter has terrible manners. She asks for things but never says please and her Mum never picks her up on it.
She hears manners all the time though. Her older brother is a real little gent and even at 14 he is so polite. I don't get it really.

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nickytwoooohtimes · 13/10/2008 20:20

mll, kity has said she was a bit unreasonable. Saying she has a bug up her arse is incredibly bad manners!

kittywise · 13/10/2008 20:24

mummyloveslucy, yes you are rude, ironic really.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 20:25

jimjamshaslefttheyurt- I know what you meen. My daughter has a speech disorder, and my step mother said when she was 2.5, I'm not keen on her saying "ta" it should be thank you. She is a bit of a cow though.

I had an old woman on the bus last week who got off at my stop, she was looking over at my daughter and listening to her.
She said to me, "your daughter is really lovely, I hope you don't mind me asking but is there somthing wrong with her?".

I was quite . I didn't think anyone else would think that. She is very tall for her age as well I suppose. I felt really

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 20:28

Yes, we cross posted.

I knew you'd say that was rude.

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kittywise · 13/10/2008 20:29

hey ho

TotalChaos · 13/10/2008 20:32

YABU. Some children can have hidden disabilities that affect language and social communication.

FranSanDisco · 13/10/2008 20:32

In some cultures adding please and thank you isn't important. When I worked as a Nursery Nurse I used to get fed up repeating "please" and "thank you" to encourage the children to copy. They were asking politely i.e "Can I have apple?" so insisting on "please" and "thank you" seemed cruel in a way. However, with my own children I like them to have manners, but then that's my decision .

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 20:36

Kittywise- I've looked at your home page, and you children are gorgeous. 6 though, that's what you call extreeme motherhood. I've been pondering for ages wether I could cope with 2.

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northernrefugee39 · 13/10/2008 20:38

Thecrackfox- agree about pensioners sometimes!
I often think that when kids say Thankyou for having me in that robot voice without even looking at you, I'd rather they smiled, looked you in the eye and said bye without the thankyous.

It's how it's said imo, not what's said.
And I don't really like the words "grateful" and "ungrateful" which it can touch on...

But natural manners are very nice, and they attract people , and anything that does that is good really.

kittywise · 13/10/2008 20:42

Mll, I'd say it's EXTREME madness, hence being a crotchety old bint

happychappy · 13/10/2008 20:42

In Italian you have formal and informal language. As a result I and my English friends often complain of about the lack of manners of Italians but, when you use the informal language you are more direct and it's not considered important to say please and thank you. Therefore coming across as rude. The problems is ours not theirs. Also, in my opinion the English are considered to be cold and formal because of their need for formal language (please thank you formal questions).

I also worked as a nursery nurse for many years and wouldn't give anything to anybody without please and thank you. Further I would only say it the first and second time what my expectation was and after then would wait until the language/manners came. I am a teacher here and do the same with my students (both adult and child alike). Its works !!!!

kittywise · 13/10/2008 20:42

Oh and thankyou, they are for sale.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 20:43

Totalchaos- I'm not talking about children with disabilities. I'm talking about the many children I know who have bad manners.
It's rarer to find children with good manners I find. They can't all have disabilities.
If a child can't speek or is shy, I find a smile is just as nice if you say hello to them. I find children just glare at you, then the mum say's he's shy. He was about 8. (and didn't have disabilities) I know him.

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AbstractMouse · 13/10/2008 20:45

Dd is pretty good although half the time has to be prompted, I agree that some oaps are so feckin rude. YABU in a way tbh, I expect the ratio of those with good to bad manners hasn't changed that much. Surely it depends on the general behaviour of the child rather than just if they say please or thankyou.

I have had some little children in the park run up to Dd when they are leaving and say thankyou for playing with me. Which in one way I find really sweet, but in another way manners overkill.

Heated · 13/10/2008 20:51

I'll have the little red one

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 20:53

Maybe it's more apparent where we live.

I agree you can go overboard. My mum used to make us say "Please may I have". I think "please can I have" sounds great.

I also sgree it's more than saying please and thank you. It's being thoughtfull of others too.

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kt14 · 13/10/2008 20:56

Difficult one to call, some children are just shy, some don't have great manners, others have speech disorders or conditions such as ASD where it may even be uncomfortable for them to make eye contact with you, let alone speak to you.

ds1 has a language disorder, he's now 3 and has only just got the hang of please, thankyou and sorry. If a stranger were to say hello to him, he may smile and respond, he may not. I wouldn't force him and make him uncomfortable for the sake of a stranger's opinion.

As I'm unable to tell the difference between poor manners and communication problems, (and, unlike the lady you met on the bus, would never ask) I think it's just simpler not to judge any of them.

SquiffyHock · 13/10/2008 20:57

My Ds really does have lovely manners (honest) but if someone asks how he is he always replies 'fine'. I've lost count of how many times I've told him to add on a 'thank-you' so I was a bit at the OP!

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 20:59

I'll have the little girl in the boat, she looks the same age as my daughter. I'll have ol blue eyes too as he looks a bit like my daughter.
Smilly ds2 looks like great fun, he could also help to keep the little ones in line.

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Pitchounette · 13/10/2008 21:04

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 21:05

SquiffyHock- It does seem to be a standered response with children these days. They all say it. All you can do is remind them.
My daughter says it too sometimes, if she dosn't know the person that well. I say "pardon" (in a soft tone, as if I hadn't heared") then she says "I'm fine thank you".

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Pitchounette · 13/10/2008 21:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 21:16

I really wouldn't expect a 3 year old to answer me or even look at me. I would find it lovely if they did, but wouldn't think anything of it if they didn't. They are very young.
I encourage my daughter to acknowledge politely, because she is confident and quite willing to. They can't always understand what she's said though. I think because she's tall, people expect more of her.
If she is having an off day and dosn't want to talk to anyone I'll say for her, "Sorry, she's a bit shy" or she's not feeling too good today". People understand.
I don't force her, but encourage her.

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Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 13/10/2008 21:23

Yes, I agree about tone of voice and also facial expressions.

My friends daughter is 8 and painfully shy. She's never said a word to me I don't think. She dosn't even make eye contact very well.
I saw her at shool the other week and I said "Hello S" and she smiled at me. It really did melt my heart.

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