To ignore my Grandmother's existence from now on

[Flightofthenortybats]

This makes me really sad actually.

But I am getting to the point where I don't feel I can take much more.

She is in her eighties and has always been very mean to my mother - in a snidey, pA sort of way. Which my mother deals with and almost I think quite likes as she has someone to be cross with/about. Mum does a lot for her and never gets any thanks. Basically they wind each other up.

I have not had an easy relationship with Grandmother either. She tends to talk about me behind my back to mum, and any gesture I make (presents etc) is sort of dissed really. Last week I was looking after Mum's cat and G.mother lives right near them, but I didn't go and see her - instead I put a note through her door to say sorry but I had had a nasty bug and didn't want to pass it on. This was absolutely true - she doesn't know how nasty exactly but if she did she wouldn't want me there!

Anyway she told mum that she didn't believe it and that either I was pregnant again or 'afraid of my own grandmother'.

I am guessing that Mum has made it clear she is hiding something from G mother (which she is - if G mother knew I'd been that ill she wouldn't have let mum in the house either!) and that mum is getting some pleasure from stirring things (hotly denied if I even bothered to ask, which I shan't)

anyway I am totally hurt and offended by this - every time I try to be nice she just slams it really. At the moment I feel like I never want to give her any presents or write to her or anything again, as it is treated with such derision.

It's her birthday in 2 weeks and I had planned a really nice present but now I think I will just take it back to the shop.

AIBU? I know she is a miserable old lady but the family politics and manipulation is doing my head, frankly

Also whenever I take the boys there she gets cross and worn out and undermines everything I say especially about giving them tons of chocolate and cakes (I mean constantly)

I don't think she even really lieks us going there tbh. It always seems like a horrible atmosphere.

if she is in her 80's, then i think you need to just grit your teeth and bear it.
i know its not what you wanted to hear. and i'm sure she really is a miserable old bag. but she's your mother's mother, and your miserable old bag. as someone with no one left from that generation, i would love to have a miserable old bag to complain about.

I wouldn't worry to much about it. People in their 80's can be really grouchy, and some just stop caring whether they upset anyone.

If you don't give her a present she will just have another thing to moan about.

Message withdrawn

I think when some people get to that age, you might not give a damn about much anymore tbh. My gran was feisty (but funny with it, so that was ok) and even those who found her irritating, miss her like crazy now she's not with us any longer. So I agree that you might wanna just adopt a thick skin with her.

yanbu - but just give your pressie and be nice with her - ignore all the comments.

why should someone put up with crap just the the person is old?

Old people are not grouchy, some people are grouchy. Personally I don't think this woman's behaviour should be excused because of her age, nor that of your mother if she is using your situation to stir things up. Leave tehm to it!

I'd be inclined to tell her she's been so bloody unpleasent you've decided you want nothing more to do with her and as nothing you have ever done in the past has been good enough you are sure she wont mind to much.

Being old doesnt excuse anything !

Thanks for all the different POVs.

I know, I might miss her when she is gone - but not like this.

She has always been like is to a degree, but it got worse when I grew up because she was nice to us as kids and was just nasty to my mum.

Now I'm grown up she is equally horrid about me and my sister. She's actually my mum's MIL - Dad's mum - and when he went round there yesterday, she was going on about how my sister was stupid to be living with 'that woman who's pretending to be a man' fgs yes they're lesbians.. and said that it was a 'ridiculius letter' I had sent her the other day.

To his credit Dad told her he didn't appreciate her 'slagging off his children' Nice one dad! and apparently she shut u[p after that.

I've told Mum I shan't be writing to G mother any more and mum is fine with that - in fact I think it helps her as now she can moan to me about it and I don't get to feel it's my fault that G mother is horrid about me whatever I do, because I won't be doing anything at all.

I only see her a few times a year as it is. The problem is that she will turn everything round in order to hurt everyone, play us off against each other etc the whole time. She's massively manipultive and constantly wants to be the 'child' in every situation and make people feel bad - she's the kind of woman who will say, if a stranger asks how she is, 'Oh, not very good really, moan moan bla bla.' until said stranger just sort of backs off silently in horror.

One of our neighbours first met her and said she was the 'biggest black hole they had ever met' which isn't far off really! It's all about her.

It is very sad and she is depressed. But I don't think she has dementia as it has been ongoing for well, at least 40 years.

My grandmother was a bit like this. A nasty woman really. Drove all her friends and extended family away by being rude and mean to them. She was racist and had a serious superiority complex. Just a all round horrible old bag. So when I was about 16 i refused to go round and see her. My dad used to try to bribe me and say I might get cut out of her will etc (she was very wealthy but lived as if she didn't have 2 pennys to rub together) but it still didn't make me go.

I hated seeing her be so rude and horrible to people like my parents who made an effort to bring her food, do her diy, she had a home help who she was horrible to too. And I felt I was being a hypocrite in letting her behave like that whilst I was around. It was either I stay away or I tell her exactly what I thought...and my parents like a quiet life so they let me stay away in the end.

She eventually passed away a few years ago and I never had any regrets that I hadn't seen her (even in hospital as she was dying). She had pushed everyone away so she lay on the floor for 2 days before someone found her and got her to hospital. A sad end for a sad pathetic excuse for a life.

I think its a lesson to everyone that just because your old doesn't mean you have the right to treat anyone like sh1t.

Maybe your grandma needs a sharp shock to realise what shes doing.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. But if you've already bought her a present, I'd hand it over - taking it back would just be a silly gesture that wouldn't actually make your relationship any better.

I think I'd be restricting the amount of contact I had with someone so horrible though.

If she died, would you feel guilty if you'd not seen her for a while?

If she's in her eighties then I guess thats just the way they are. I had a falling out with my nan in January after she had screamed at DD1 completely unecessarily, I didn't speak to her for months and then just hello briefly when I was dropping my mum off at her house. She died 3 weeks ago. I am just gutted I never really made it up with her, she was 79 when she died.

I think if you don't want to regret it later (which I really do) you should just grin and bear it.

Babymt that's really sad too but I am kind of with you on htis tbh

Being old doesn't mean you can be horrid to everyone.

Edam - no, I've been through that particular guilt thing already, in fact I did the same as Baby there and stopped having any contact for a while in my late teens as it was appalling even then.

However I went to see them again when I was older and before her husband died (he was lovely and seemed to just get nicer as he got older)

She would pretend to be nice, in fact she usually does, to me - but it is a big act. She can be very funny and witty but you have to catch her on a good day and mostly she is just awful.

no, I wouldn't feel guilty except I'm sad for my dad as he obv still loves her a lot - she's his mum.

We spoke this morning and I explained to him how bad a I felt but that I didn't think she enjoyed us visiting anyway. He did look very sad but when I hastened to explain, he said 'Oh lord, certainly please don't try to justify it to me, I know exactly why you find it so hard' - I think he feels bad for me that he landed me with a dodgy grandmother. Poor Dad. I don't want to abandon him and mum to deal with it alone and that's what I feel like I'm doing.

It makes me incredibly angry that this woman treats them like she does and they don't just leave her to it. I guess we all grow up feeling ultra protective of our parents - I know if someone upsets me, Ds1 gets furious about it.

I shall keep the present I think - rather nice thing from Habitat

She wouldn't like it anyway probably..

Sorry unaccomplishedmummy I cross posted with you there

I'm sorry you've lost her and that you feel so bad about it.

I guess this isn't a one off we're talking about though with my Grandmother. She's kind of abused my mother since before I was born and now is starting on me.

I think she enjoys pushing people away tbh. It isn't an age thing.

I also don't think you should feel bad because you didn't know she was going to pass away when she did. You were just trying to protect your little girl.

FLightofthenortybats

This old lady sounds toxic and has always been so. Such problems can also cut across generations so am not totally surprised she's been nasty to you as well.

You would not let a friend treat you in such a manner so why should family members be any different - regardless of age.

Keep the present too.

I was ready to lose contact with my GM earlier this year too - she didn't approve of my being pregnant. I was upset at her attitude, but decided it was her loss.

My parents (without my knowledge, but I'm not upset they did it) basically sat her down and told her in no uncertain terms what the effect of her behaviour was going to be, and now she's come round (actually, I can't get her off the phone now!). She needed that shock to make her realise the effects of her behaviour.

As she's got older (she's early 90's) she's taken to saying whatever she feels about people and, for the most part, has go away with it because "she's an old lady". Well, I'm not having it. Just because someone's old doesn't mean they are automatically a nice person, and doesn't mean they can be rude, thoughtless and withour manners (everything they hate in "young people") without consequence.

Flight,

You know what, life is too short to deal with people like your G'mother.

Being old doesn't automatically make someone who was unpleasant, manipulative etc a nice person and automatically deserving of respect.

If you don't feel you can cut her off then at the very least restrict contact.

My grandmother was similar- constantly picking on and running down my mother- and that was her own mother. I cut contact when I was 15, I just couldn't stand to see it anymore. She lived another 15 years, but never got any better/nicer. I didn't even attend her funeral, though I was intending to in order to support my mother- my DD was very ill that day and we couldn't travel (she was only 4mo). I don't have any regrets.

Thanks all for this

Eachpeach I wondered about that. I will always feel like I should support dad and mum and that means there will be a funeral etc etc one day. I will feel totally hypocritical going to that because despite having a faint liking for her in some of her brighter moments, I really can't stand the woman

There's not much love lost between us and I'm getting that more and more now - I try to do something nice and it is thrown back at me, behind my back, in a really actually nasty fashion. I wouldn't take it from a friend and it makes me feel horrible, but it's my father I feel most sorry for. I will try and have nice conversations with him about her good points which might be easier without being confronted with the reality of what she's like all the time.

How she had such a glorious son I will never know.It gives me hope that ds will grow up nice despite my being crap motha

But dad is really depressive type. Nice, but not that happy.

It looks like a lot of us went off the 'toeing the line' bit in our teens.

My gmother is a miserable old git. we have absolutely nothing to talk about and our telephone conversations are really strained. Age makes me feel sorry for her, but loneliness is something she could but did nothing about. She has no hobbies and is always so sad and lonely and it is always about herself. she is infuriating. my sympathies.. the only saving grace is that you know it, you have analysed it, You wil NOT be like that !

Sorry - i just had a conversation with her today !

YANBU My Granma was the same she was horrible and very embaressing my poor mother used to have drive 60miles there and back to give her medication and my Gran was mean to her. She used to tell my sister that she was really fat when my sister was little and when we took her shopping she would shout at black people and fat people but she was senile

not unreasonable

I love my grandma to bits but she is demanding, high maintenance, grumpy and selfish but she didnt used to be like this.

She is now 85. I think that I would be grumpy if I had her ailments.

I think if you stop being nice to her you could regret it.

YANBU but!!! I fell out with my grandma last christmas because of the way she told DD1 off and made a holy bloody show of her in front of the whole family. Poor thing was sobbing her heart out she's only 5 (well was actually 4 at the time). Still makes me fume thinking of it. I hardly saw my grandmother after that apart from a few times I dropped my mum at her house and I briefly said hello.

She dies 6 weeks ago. She was 79. I honestly thought I wouldn't get that upset but I was wrong, I am bloody devastated.

Really I know most old people are a pain in the arse (god knows mt nan was) but they're old and you never know when their time is going to be up.