Or are we being unreasonable? SIL and foreign wedding.

[Flossish]

Have I spelt foreign right? according to the spell check yes, hmm.

Right brief history. SIL getting married and decided to go abroad. Originally planned to get married in the Carribean. We said pretty much straight off we wouldn't be going as way beyond our budget. So they then ummed and ahhed and decided on Cyprus. When asked if we would go we said yes.

However since then the cost of everything has ocviously gone up, not least the cost of our mortgage which not only comes out of the fixed rate but also becomes repayment 8 weeks before the wedding. Also we had to put a new car on the credit card as the old one was costing more to maintain than it was worth. Oh and then we had a £800 bill to fix said new car.

I also dramatically underestimated how much Cyprus actually cost, I thought it would be on a par with places like greece etc. As it is just for a B and b package holiday for us and 2 children in the resort they are marrying would have been well over 1k. i was expecting roughly half that . Perhaps I should add here that we haven't been abroad since DS was born, like most young families the most we have managed is a few days in cornwall in over 4 yrs!

We've been gently trying to tell SIL since we had to get the new car that we won't be able to afford to go. DP said something to her several weeks ago and didn't get very far. They apparently agreed they would see how things went and give a definate answer at xmas.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago we got a text saying that we needed to say by last thurs if we were going or not as final numbers were needed. I again tried to gently tell SIL that we couldn't afford not to go. DP is hoping to take himself off to a stag do a a couple of weeks after, i was saying to her about this as I didn't think it was on to go to that and not to hers and that if he did it would scupper any chance of us having any sort of family holiday next year. She again asked us to think about it and look at prices again as she thought they had come down.

A couple of days after DP got a text from her asking him if he would come to the wedding on his own. That to afford to do this he would only need to set aside £75 a month (only?!?) and that this would be affordable. I was quite hurt by this as per our conversation a few days ago she knows it would mean no holiday for our DC and myself, also having to take holiday from work to enable DP to go away without us. Not only that but it would mean less/no luxuries for us as a family for the next 6 months!

DP wasn't having any of it as he can't afford to set that aside each month and feels it is unfair on the rest of the family. He rang his father (to whom we were instructed to reply - and not the best approach I appreciate) to inform him we wouldn't be attending.

It now seems as though she is no longer talking to me. I understand she wants her brother especially to be there and yet IMO by having a foreign wedding you make a choice between a fab location and perhaps not having all the people you would like to have there. I said this to her at the time she made her decision although at the time we did genuinely believe we would be able to go, it just isn't feasible for us under current circumstances.

She is making thinly veiled bitchy comments via facebook at me and it all feels very unpleasant tbh. I appreciate we said we would go but could not anticipate last February the impact of the credit crunch or the car costs we have had.

How flamed am I going to get today then?

If it is so crushingly important for your SIL that her DB attend her wedding, then she should have it in the UK.

I know somebody who fell out with all her friends because they refused to go to her wedding in Thailand on (wait for it) Christmas Day. Stupid cow.

YANBU, heck, even my brother who lived an hour and a half away didn't manage to come to my wedding (second wedding though...). I was a bit disappointed but he had some work thing that he had to fly off to. Anyway, point being, she really just needs to get over it.

Well ultimately the thing with Dp is that he isn't actually that keen on going. Relations with his parents have worsened quite a lot recently to the point that he waited outside for 20 minutes for his father rather than enter the house with his mother.

Also SIL is a SAHM on benefits so he gets very upset when she talks about £75 a months as though it is not a lot of money. It might not be to her but it certainly is to us.

I hadn't actually told DP about why i thought SIL was making jibes at me on FB he got quite cross as it is so rare for me to have time away from the children, the same can't be said for her. It is also so ironic that while it is not ok for me to be going out, I should apparently 'act my age' she was out both fri and sat night and is out every weekend, while apparently saving for a wedding? We don't know how she affords it all when they are living on benefits and her DP's average wage.

I am quite sure the main reason to change the venue was down to MIL - she has a friend who lives out there. SIL and MIL are very close.

YANBU. TBH, unless you hold your wedding in the home town of family / friends, you cannot expect people to attend. Even if you have the wedding on someone's doorstep, stuff happens!
She is being a complete Bridezilla. Do not get embroiled in any further discussion. Just keep saying, "We would have liked to attend, however present circumstances mean that we just cannot afford it."
Think of it another way - how would you have responded to a thread on here saying "AIBU to go to a wedding abroad if the cost means that I can barely pay the mortgage and keep the car running?"

This isnt just about the wedding is it?

Seems to be a fair amount of judging, jealousy, jibes and backstabbing on both parts, so missing out on the wedding would probably be no loss to either of you.

Just make sure you dont prolongue this "are they or are they not coming" drama you have going here and give them a proper RSVP - final once and for all NO we are not coming.

Then go buy them a really nice and thoughtful wedding present, or a generous voucher from John Lewis, be the bigger person, SMILE and move on.

YANBU. MY DH didn't make his sister's or his brother's or my brother's weddings (amazingly he made ours although we had lots of insurance!) for work reasons. Everyone was sorry, but all understood. Your SIL's attitude is pretty poor.

I don't understand why people expect others to pay to attend their wedding. It is very self indulgent. I got married in Scotland and was very concerned about the impact this would have on friends and family in England. I gave them a years notice and they were told many times that i wouldn't be offended if they couldn't go. My sister said she couldn't afford to attend so I offered to pay for her (she didn't go in the end but that was a different reason). Ultimately I was prepared to pay simply because of the inconvenience to them.

She is obviously not going to see your point so I think you just have to leave it and try and forget it. For the sake of civility and family relations could you buy her and her DH a nice gift? I know it'd stick in my throat to have to do it but maybe it'd help in the long run.

We have said we aren't going quintessence. This has all come from that I think. I'm guessing the anger is directed at me because she thinks I've put the veto on DP going which actually wasn't the case.

And certainly when it comes to the wedding we will be getting them a gift and, if we are invited going to the after wedding party they have planned for their return.

YANBU. We were living overseas but got married in the UK so that people could attend. SIL is very thoughtless to expect people to go overseas for a wedding. Wait until she has her own family then invite her to a family Xmas in Iceland and see how she likes it.

YANBU DP's sister had a wedding abroad. We would have loved to have gone, she is lovely and they're very close and right up to the point of a month before, we were still hoping to make it. We also discussed the fact that he could go on his own if that was the only option but it just wan't possible. His sister knew the situation and although disappointed, she totally understood. If she had acted the way your SIL is, I would have lost a lot of respect for her and the Facebook thing is beyond childish.

YANBU.

Rise above. She's a cow.

Her husband must be rich if she's a SAHM on benefits and can afford to get married in Cyprus .

My ex h's brother got married abroad on this resort in Puero Rico, but his wife's family is rich as all can be and paid for everyone who couldn't afford to get there (it was over the US Thanksgiving holiday) to fly down for it and put everyone up on the resort.

Most of her pals could afford it, though .

I wouldn't give her and her jibes a second thought, tbh.

I would only ever go to a wedding abroad if it was possible to turn it into our main holiday of the year for the whole family.

We went to Italy for some (not close) friends wedding because it was in a fabulous and not too expensive location and we went for 2 weeks.

YANBU

I live in Cyprus and its VERY expensive out here especially since it changed to the Euro at the beg of the year. Flights alone are expensive and when you add a hotel onto that it really mounts up.

If you choose to get married abroad you can't expect people to fork out and attend just because they are family. YANBU

SIL is on benfeits and can afford to get married abroad?

She is being totally unfair. As others have said and you said yourself Flossish, if you choose to get married abraod then you take the chance that people may not be there. If she wants everyone to attend then she should have it somewhere more accessible.

The Facebook thing is just pure bitchiness and shows that a, she is not a very nice person and b, she is a total bridezilla

YANBU to decide not to go.

YABU to think it was OK to drag your feet in telling her you wouldn't go and then do it through a third party. You should have sat down with her and explained how you really wanted to come but that your financial situation has changed.

We didnt think it was ok. Both Dp and I discussed it with her, DP over a month before the RSVP date and myself a week before. It was all explained why we couldn't come. Her response was that the prices had come down (not by enough if at all) and then that DP should go alone.

He should have told her himself though I agree.

It's not unreasonable to get married abroad but it's totally unreasonable to expect other people to pay 100s, or 1000s, to be there too and then, to add insult to injury, try to emotionally blackmail them into being there by having great childish tantrums and/or by suggesting that selected family members - only - attend (to the detriment of the rest of the family).

It's so bloody arrogant ..... as if her wedding is so much more important than your kids' holiday, or even more fundamentally, your ability to feed and clothe them !

Don't lose any sleep over her changing the destination to make it more affordable. As you say, I'm sure you weren't the only people to be taken aback at the suggestion of the Caribbean, and a lot's changed in the last few months. More and more people are cutting back because they don't know what's round the corner (eg. redundancies) and for her to therefore expect you to spend big money indulging her is totally out of order.

I've been to Cyprus many times and it's never been what you'd call "cheap" .... even when the pound was stronger. You can easily spend £60 on a modest meal for a family of 4, and that's just one meal. Even if DP went on his own he'd still end up paying a significant sum and why the hell should a spiteful, rude madam effectively get that money when you'd have to go without ?

At least, thank goodness, your DP isn't insisting on going regardless - as some Mnetters' other halves have done in similar situations IIRC.

As for the Facebook thing - what a bitch ! Has your DP made it utterly clear to her that the reason he can't go is because he is a responsible family man and has nothing to do with you keeping him under the thumb or whatever ?

I have to say ...... the fact you're still considering buying her a gift at all after all the Facebook stuff is remarkable. I'd be tempted to get her a charity gift if you feel you must get anything at all ..... give the selfish cow food for thought about what really matters.

Had a similar situation with my supposed best friend this year. Had agreed to be bridesmaid and then things turned into a circus (whilst not abroad a long way from where we live). It was going to cost me thousands before I'd bought a drink or a present,(she wanted me to pay for everything except the dress; hair, make-up, trial, shoes etc) and the bloody hen night was also going to be expensive. Also no kids so my Mum had to rearrange her hols for babysitting purposes. We are on a tight budget as are our close friends so it became ridiculous. When I tried to talk to her about it it became a loyalty thing- if I was important enough to you... etc, etc.

Needless to say I 'resigned' from my duties and was not invited to the wedding at all (neither were 9 of our mutual friends who were also under financial pressure- silly cow).

Basically your SIL is being a selfish cow who is trying to control your and your partners' actions. Stand your ground but be prepared for an unpleasant fall-out. She is obviously used to getting things the way she wants so you will not be popular.

What is it with people thinking they are so f'ing important that you have to put your life on hold for them? Argh

I think donating to Send A Cow on her behalf would be very apt.

send a cow charity

Look, for just £24 you buy somebody a sheep

I got married abroad - mainly to stop my huge family coming

we got married aboard as thats what WE wanted, my brother (single) and parents paid for theirselves, and dh and I paid for his mum and then had to pay for his brother (as mil wouldnt fly home alone

YRNBU in the fact that you just cant afford it, but it would have been easier if sil had got a rough price guide for you, thats what we did for our friend - told him it would cost about £1500 (was 5*carribean) and he paid and came

on the other hand you did seriously under budget

why doesnt sil have a party when they get back - thats what we did, so rest of friends and family could attend - and i got to waer my dress twice

LOL at the cow. Giving her a charity gift wouldn't fit the bil IME and would probably only serve to worsen relationships, let alone if it was a cow! I didn't want to fall out with her over this but imagine mucho bitching about us all and probably mostly me has been going on with her and MIL. She is very led by MIL.

And she is having a party when she gets back which of course I told her we'd definitely go to when I spoke to her about it.

Depending on someone's financial situation, attending a wedding in the country you live in can be expensive. ie. Hotel stay if necessary, drinks, gift, new outfit if needed etc. If I was invited to any wedding, I would need to plan ahead if it was just me, let alone DP or any children that we might have.

But a wedding, which combines as a holiday, abroad, is obviously far more expensive and I think anyone planning a wedding abroad would be naive not to expect people to have difficulties. Plus, why would she want to make you feel worse? You're obviously under some financial pressure. You need support, not bitching!