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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is it DS's friends Mum never reciprocate playdates?

31 replies

essexgel · 07/10/2008 10:58

Like children to have their friends over and this week they can both choose one. DS1 wants a friend and am getting fed up his Mum never invites him over. Yes i work and am busy but why can't she make an effort! So for the 3rd time should I let DS have this friend over?AIBU?

OP posts:
electra · 07/10/2008 11:01

The thing is that everyone's lives are different and there may be a very good reason to do with their home life why she doesn't have play dates. I guess I can see why you feel it's fair that it should be reciprocated, but if I were you I would just continue to let your ds have this friend for the sake of their friendship...

nametaken · 07/10/2008 11:04

what electra said

some parents simply aren't bothered about making an effort and there are plenty of people around who take more than they give.

Be a giver and make your son and another kid happy.

onlyjoking9329 · 07/10/2008 11:05

there could be any number of reasons why she doesn't have kids back to her house, i guess it depends how well you know her set up,

LouMacca · 07/10/2008 11:08

essexgel - i could have written your post. I was only thinking yesterday that DS has had the same friend over for tea for the 3rd time on the run and the invite has not been reciprocated.

will see what everyone else's advise is

jeanjeannie · 07/10/2008 11:25

I've got two under two and find I'm in the same boat as you. All the mums and LOs are invited to mine but I can count on one hand the amount of times any of the other mums do the same

I agree with nametaken, being the giver pleases me - my kids will hopefully grow up with an open and welcoming house - if not a triffle messy

The other mums I know all keep a lovely, perfect house and also don't seem to have as much energy as me. I think the idea of having to provide the fun is too much effort!

Mind you I am getting better at saying no, when it doesn't suit me so maybe you need to slack off a bit on your hospitality. Maybe then they'll appreciate you more or offer it back...............or maybe they won't

newpup · 07/10/2008 11:25

This is a problem we have. DD1 has a lovely friend who has been to tea 3 times and has come home from school with us another 3 times so I can give her a lift with my Dd to a dance class. DD1 has never been invited back. Mum does not work and only has the 2 children, her ds is 13.

She recently told me that she never has her Dd's firends over as she can not be bothered with the hassle! So after I heard that I am not inviting her Dd any more. Reading that back it does sound petty but I am beginning to feel a little used.

On the other hand Dd2 was invited last term to a friends house and did not enjoy herself at all. She is not especially friendly with this girl but her mum is keen to establish a friendship between them. Whilst, I have no objections, Dd2 really does not like this girl and does not play with her at school and does not want to invite her to play. So, I have not invited her back which I am embarassed about. DD2 is adamant that this girl is not kind to other children and is very silly. DD2 is very sensible and I do trust her judgement just do not feel I can force her to invite someone over she does not want to come.

Tricky isn't it!

WeirdCod · 07/10/2008 11:26

Message withdrawn

slim22 · 07/10/2008 11:29

what nametaken said

nametaken · 07/10/2008 11:29

Cod, why doesn't that surprise me?

NorkyButNice · 07/10/2008 11:29

It must be frustrating - but maybe the other Mum has a good reason for not returning the invite...maybe their house is a mess and she's embarrassed?

FAQ · 07/10/2008 11:30

well you could quite easily be talking about me.

There have been many reasons I haven't reciprocated playdates (god I hate that term) not least of all because I was suffering from depression and just didn't feel I could cope with having any of the DS's friends over, supervising them and my other 2 DS's. Thankfully I'm pretty good friends with most the DS's friends mothers so they understand why I haven't felt able to do it.

Once DS1 has finished his "ban" this month (on having friends over, ps2 and not going to bed later than his brother) I intend to try and invite some of his friends over.

ForeverOptimistic · 07/10/2008 11:30

I really dislike having people over to our house and I am always making excuses.

When ds starts in reception I will make more of an effort to have children over as I am hoping the parents will not expect to come as well. I can cope with children on their own but I hate it when their parents are with them as I find it really hard to discipline the children in front of their parents.

sb6699 · 07/10/2008 11:30

Agree with oj, there could be a number of reasons why she hasn't invited your ds back - not necessarily because she is lazy.

If this is the friend your ds has chosen, I would invite him anyway just to keep the children happy, its not their fault.

If you know her well you could simply ask her if it would be possible for the kids to play at hers next time and see what she says.

FAQ · 07/10/2008 11:32

mind you I'm now terrified I'll invite one of his friends over and I'll get a call from the estate agent wanting to show viewers round and they'll come round to find chaos

nametaken · 07/10/2008 11:36

So what if the house is a mess. Having someone come round is a good incentive to clear up surely? I know the only time I clean my house is when people are coming - this is a good thing, no.

And is making a sandwich for another human being really such a big deal?

LunarSea · 07/10/2008 11:41

ds1 probably goes on more playdates than having friends around here. Little matter of me working full time, whereas most of his friends mums don't. We do try to take them out on trips instead - took one to the panto, to a soft play and for a meal for example, another to local science museum. Their mums know our circumstances are different, so I'd hope don't expect end of school invitations from us.

Tortington · 07/10/2008 11:42

i rarely had kids over. i don't like them that much.

Original poster
essexgel · 07/10/2008 11:45

Well can't say I really enjoy friends coming over however, when I was growing up my Mum never bothered so without sounding pious want to show the children they can share/enjoy make friends welcome. Couple of weeks ago DS was convinced he was going over to the friends house and the friend agreed to it.. the Mum hadn't and DS was really upset as the Mum had disappeared from the playground pretty quick. I don't know her that well, but will invite the friend over again and see the enjoyment DS gets! UUGGGHHH!!

OP posts:
Legacy · 07/10/2008 11:51

Oh god - I am probably being talked about as a non-reciprocating mother

In my case there are loads of reasons - some more valid than others:

DH works from home. Our kids know to keep the noise to reasonable levels, or play outside - others don't, and I get fed up having to 'police' the situation.

I genuinely mean to invite people back (perhaps at the weekend) but just never get around to it.

And once you've had someone round then your DC are invited back again, and then you have all the guilt of reciprocating all over again .

There are actually some of DS2's classmates that I don't like - they are rude, badly behaved and break things! I try to avoid DS going to their houses in this case.

If it's really bothering you, then just stop inviting them - no big deal. I think some people are just more 'into' playdates than others. Some mums seem to see it as their 'career' to organise their child's social life, but for me it's just another chore on a very long list.

My kids see their school friends at school, and at home they play with friends in the street (and it's a lot less formal - sometimes they come in for an hour to watch a DVD or something).

rolledhedgehog · 07/10/2008 11:52

I rarely have DS1's friends back because:

  1. DS2 is seven months and sometimes naps after school pick-up and they wake him up.
  1. I have a 3 year old DD and they leave her out and she whinges or they gang together and rampage.
  1. Our house is smaller than most of his friends' houses (even though it is a normal 3 bed-semi) and the rampaging is worse in a smaller house.
  1. I am one of the few mums that does not have a cleaner so I have to deal with the fallout.

I feel guilty and when DS2 is a bit less hard work I will invite all those that have had DS for tea but I think that you should not invite kid's round in the expectation of a return invite.

SummatAnNowt · 07/10/2008 11:52

Oh ffs. Have a child's friend(s) over or don't and be done with the they're getting something for nothing attitude. It's about children's friendships and having fun together, not judgy mummies.

Cadmum · 07/10/2008 11:53

I am horrible about having people round to our house. We have four children and it tends to mean that at least someone is left out (or worse).

I also dread the clean, clean, tidy, clean only to have the house upside-down by the time it is all over.

All of this is compounded by the fact that I have moved so many times in the past 11 years that I am constantly behind on virtually everything on the interior of our house...

Intellectually, I know that these are not valid reasons but I thought that I would present an alternative view point.

I do always offer to meet in parks/museums and other neutral territory.

CarofromWton · 07/10/2008 11:54

Me too! I have a lot of my girls' friends round and I quite enjoy it (depends what they get up to really). I started to get a little paranoid about my children not getting invites back, but they seem popular at school and they are very well behaved (well, in school and at other people's houses anyway).

I've given up really, except that I did the same as Cod yesterday and told DD2 to ask the friend if she could go to her house! If this fails I suppose I'll be hosting again.

Cadmum · 07/10/2008 11:56

X-ed posts with rolledover...

I hear exactly what you are saying!!

I love my friends who do have us round and I always bring snack or a meal and we make sure to leave the house tidy.

Legacy · 07/10/2008 12:00

I think the key thing here is in the OP opening line: I "Like children to have their friends over..."

Er, well, I don't. So I don't.

But I wouldn't be offended if mine didn't get invited because of it.

Interestingly DS2 mostly gets invited to friends who are only children. I did once apologise to a mum who had invited him for a second or third time, and said I was sorry, because it was probably our 'turn'. She was fantastic - just said "who's counting, 'cos I'm not! Besides, you're doing me a favour because DS2 keeps (her)DS occupied, and I can get on with things".

My DC play pretty well together, so I don't feel the 'need' for all these playdates tbh.