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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to expect my MIL to get up before midday when she visits!!!!!

39 replies

toobusytothink · 06/10/2008 09:31

I don't particularly get on with her for a variety of reasons, but think it is important that my children know her and get to spend time with her. She complains that she doesn't see them enough so I try and make the effort and invite her over.

Anyway, she normally arrives after lunch and can't wait to see them. Then she goes to bed about 11:00 and doesn't surface again until midday the next day! By which time she has missed out on 5 hours precious time with grandkids. At which point she sits down and has breakfast, about half an hour before we need to give the kids lunch.

She then says to my husband that she doesn't want to outstay her welcome so leaves.

I just don't get it. Yes, I feel it is lazy and rude, but also I don't understand why she doesn't get up to be with her grandchildren. Am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:
forevercleaning · 06/10/2008 09:33

if you don't get on with her, surely its best the longer she stays in bed, the better?!

ilovemydog · 06/10/2008 09:34

is she sick?

tots2ten · 06/10/2008 09:35

send the dc's up to wake her

Original poster
toobusytothink · 06/10/2008 09:35

good point forevercleaning. I would probably be pleased except for the fact that she then complains she doesn't see them enough.

OP posts:
crokky · 06/10/2008 09:36

I'd let her lounge in bed - better that than her in your hair annoying you. She will have seen the children a bit, so I'd leave it at that.

JuneBugJen · 06/10/2008 09:37

Definately tots2ten... buy some recorders, tambourines and drums and sing 'the morning song' (no real tune to that one, just lots of noise) outside her door.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 06/10/2008 09:37

Don't think she's sick ... Although is v skinny at the mo. Would hope she would have told hubbie if serious

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 06/10/2008 09:39

did put the hoover on last time and even that didn't seem to make her stir. Either she was genuinely still asleep or didn't take the hint

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 06/10/2008 09:40

If she's sleeping for 12 hours at a stretch, there might be something wrong? And the excuse that she needs to leave suddenly? Could she be embarrassed about something? Illness or the fact that she's sleeping so much?

ohdearwhatamess · 06/10/2008 09:42

My parents are like this (well mother really, dad just does what he's told). They like to lie in when they come to stay with us because they are 'on holiday', apparently. They actually complained that ds1 had disturbed them at 6am. (They are retired so have every other day to lie-in imo).

Mind stay up until 2/3am with the tv on really loudly too, so we get next to no sleep.

The last couple of times I've arranged for them to stay in a B&B because this arrangement wasn't working. But it is a shame. They get to us at about lunchtime, by which time the dcs are back in bed, and they've missed being with them when they are a their brightest and chirpiest.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 06/10/2008 09:45

God - now i feel guilty. Perhaps she is ill. Maybe I'll mention it to my hubbie. My Mum did say to me that she thought she didn't look well last time she saw her. But surely if she wa ill she would want to see as much of her grandchildren as possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 06/10/2008 09:47

ohdearwhatamess - doesn't that really annoy you? The thing with grandparents is that they were parents themselves once so surely they must remember what it was like!

OP posts:
tots2ten · 06/10/2008 09:47

mine bounce on the bed if they want you to get up, on the very rare occasion that MIL had to stay here (once), while FIL was in hospital.

zippitippitoes · 06/10/2008 09:49

maybe she slept badly and did that thing where you fall asleep at 6 am and she woke at 10.30 or something

that happens to me

zippitippitoes · 06/10/2008 09:49

isnt it normal to take guests a cup of tea in bed

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 09:50

my mum worked for 50 years to earn the right to stay in bed until lunch if she wants to. I do not feel that she needs to drag herself out of bed at any kind of sociable time to bond with my DS. Happy for her to do it on her terms/times.

Just say "I know you like a lie in so we will go out for the morning and come back to have lunch with you"

Of course the difference is that I rahter like my mum so it doesn't annoy me!

Flibbertyjibbet · 06/10/2008 09:59

If my mil came to stay I'd be quite happy if she was out of my way till lunchtime.

If my mum came to stay and did the same I'd be quite happy too.

My ds's are enough in the morning I don't need anyone else under my feet.

Is this on a weekend? If so not much you can do apart from move to a smaller house with no guest room (we have only 2 beds so mil always has to stay with bil ) or get a job - sil is sahm so mil stays there half the week driving her daft but only pops over here in the evening or at weekends as otherwise there is no one in! (Yes a bit drastic solution I know )

kitbit · 06/10/2008 10:02

Older people have their own timetables and routines in a much less flexible way than people will young families. She may find it impossible to change her home routine and probably feels a bit uncomfortable if she doesn't really get on well with you anyway, so tries not to be totally underfoot all the time she's there. True she shouldn't then complain she doesn't see the gc's much, but maybe she finds it hard to get up in the mornings and isn't doing it on purpose.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 06/10/2008 10:05

but kewcumber if you are staying at somebody else's house, surely you should fit it with them. It's not a hotel!!!!!

OP posts:
cupsoftea · 06/10/2008 10:07

At least she's not ask you to be quiet

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 10:10

but they're family - is it really a problem (other than irritating you). I prefer people to feel relaxed in my house and do what they please than turn up for breakfast suited and booted at 8am.

Each to their own I guess. I have a (single childless) friend who comes to stay every few months. I like that she feels comfortable enough to lay in bed as long as she wants and then come down in her dressing gown to make her own breakfast. She also appreciates that I will nip out to the shops, take DS for a walk etc if she isn;t up and she doesn't get the feeling I'm hivering over here.

mind you no-one would ever describe my house as a hotel and I'm grateful anyone wants to come and see me!

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 10:11

I'm hivering over here

Of course "hovering over her" would make more sense

Original poster
toobusytothink · 06/10/2008 10:18

sorry didn't mean to sound harsh kewcumber. I don't care what she does in her own house. Of course she can stay in bed all day if she wants. Just feel it's a bit rude when you're at someone else's

OP posts:
AussieSim · 06/10/2008 10:19

I send my boys into my mum when she comes to stay - actually now days I don't need to prompt them they just get on with it. Mum is supposedly coming down to help me out (I've recently had my 3rd so now have 3 under 6) but a lot of the time I feel like the pressure is on me to entertain her by taking her places and then cooking for her. She does a bit of laundry which is nice and is a bit of company, but sometimes I feel it is not worth it. It is not like my mum is old - she is only 61.

JuneBugJen · 06/10/2008 10:21

I think 10am would be the latest I would be happy for a guest to stay in bed until.Any later and it just really disrupts the day deciding whether to go out etc. They cant join you on daytrips, the dcs get fractious being cooped up etc.

I think perhaps you should ask her the night before what time she thinks she might get up and plan an outing for 10am! Otherwise, shove her into bed earlier!