to "tell off" a woman who spoke harshly to dd?

[canofworms]

We were in a coffee shop today and dd had her chair with the back against another table.

I hadn't noticed but she kept pushing her feet against the table and knocking her chair into this woman's table.

The 3rd time she did it the woman became irate (as you would) but put her hand in dd's face and told her in a rather loud/irritated/nasty voice to stop doing it as she couldn't concentrate reading her paper and pointed out it was the 3rd time she'd done it.

My dh was sat next to her and apologised and said he'd told her off for doing it as well.

But I was so irritated that she was so horrible to a young child that on the way out I put my face in hers and said if she had an issue with a young child to either raise it with the parents instead or be a bit nicer about it. She was pretty shitty back but I ignored her and walked out.

Now dd was in the wrong and annoying but surely that's for us to sort out, no to scare her so much?!

[cory]

I never know how to handle this one. Happens not rarely, you're on a plane or a train and the child behind you keeps kicking the back of your seat. Extremely distracting, annoying and sometimes painful. But who do you speak to? If to the child, then the parent might take exception. But if it is an older child (thankfully less common), saying 'could you ask your child not to do this' to the parent seems so contrived as to be almost rude in itself.

And if not at 7- at what age are you allowed to address the child directly? Would you still ask the mother to ask a 10yo? A 13yo? It's got to stop some time. 7 seems quite old to me.

[SqueakyPop]

You should have been aware of what your dd was doing, and stopped her before it got to a third time.

[tigermoth]

A polite 'will you not do that please' would have been sufficient - as beetroot said.

No problem with the woman telling off the child. But it was incredibly rude to be do the hand in face thing and be openly irate(if that is what happened).

You have to remember that family and this woman were obviously sitting very near each other in the cafe and I think that makes it even more important that things were kept on a polite level. The moment things started to slip was when the woman put the hand in the girl's face - the 7 year old was being naughty in an unthinking way, not deliberatly rude and aggressive, as far as I can see. Yes, a telling off is fine, but done in such a way to make things better, not make things worse.

Tbh, I would hate it if I felt someone just feet away from me was looking on, simmering with anger and disapproval at my child while we were trying to eat.

I think the OP didn't help matters by being rude back, but in her situation, I think I would have been cross too (hopefully not shown it) and moved tables to get away from the woman.

[tigermoth]

I'm at the view that the woman had less right to be at the cafe because she had no food or drink in front of her. She could have been waiting for someone.

(mind you there a long AIBU thread on it being wrong for people reserving their table before joining the queue for food in self service cafes)

[eidsvold]

would you have been so rude if a hot cup of coffee had landed in the woman's lap from your child banging her chair into the woman's table??

[wannaBe]

haven't read whole thread but

I don't get this "no-one may speak to my child" attitude. If your child is misbehaving and you aren't doing anything about it then imo the woman who had too put up with it had every right to tell your child to stop.

And I think that when we are in these situations, we see what we want to see. Someone whose back would already be put up by the fact that someone else had dared to speak to their precious child might choose to see that that other person was being agressive and nasty. Chances are that the other woman was just being firm, and there's nothing wrong with that imo.

Was the child in question distressed about this? did she stop? or did she carry on being an annoying little brat?

And then putting your face in someone else's face and being agressive you are doing exactly what you disapproved of in the first place.

Stop being so precious and teach your child to behave in public.

[Libra1975]

Sorry if I have missed it but what did the other adult actually say to the child?

[Bucharest]

Agree with WannaBe....if that had happened to me I wouldn't have told anyone I'd have been so mortified...

[Tiramissu]

Well it seems like there should be a protocol to follow in these cases.

The lady should say: 'excuse me madam could you give me your e-mail address so i can write to you tomorrow and ask your permission in order for me to ask your 7 years old (!) child to stop kick my chair. Of course i will then offer to pay a fee for counselling because i do understand that all this could be very traumatising for you and your family'.....

But then again if you dont address the child directly the mother could say: 'Are you underestimate my child's intelligence?'

You can never win...

[canofworms]

Gosh, can't believe this thread still going!

It was a strange situation and I don't think you ever describe it in exactly the way it happens.

I'm not bothered that the woman spoke to my daughter - she had every right to - but it was her hand being put in her face and her complete obnoxious manner that made me cross. I suppose I felt I had to stand up for my dd because I would have said something if someone had spoken to me like that.

I also agree my dd was in the wrong and I can't believe I didn't notice what she was doing. I think her chair was already resting against the table so it wasn't an obvious "banging" into it. We've done longhaul flights and had people say how well-behaved they'd been at the end so it certainly was unusual behaviour.

I did tidy up my cups etc straight after this incident and left, already having apologised to her and scolded dd.

I hope I wasn't too rude back but really stressed that she could have been a bit more polite iyswim. And then I left it, didn't want to get in a full-scale argument.

I think it's the 1st time my confidence has been battered at taking my dc anywhere as we usually either a)have no problems or b)tell them off/remove them/apologise to others as necessary without such agression from others.

Maybe I should stay in with them until they're 18......