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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to "tell off" a woman who spoke harshly to dd?

135 replies

canofworms · 04/10/2008 23:08

We were in a coffee shop today and dd had her chair with the back against another table.

I hadn't noticed but she kept pushing her feet against the table and knocking her chair into this woman's table.

The 3rd time she did it the woman became irate (as you would) but put her hand in dd's face and told her in a rather loud/irritated/nasty voice to stop doing it as she couldn't concentrate reading her paper and pointed out it was the 3rd time she'd done it.

My dh was sat next to her and apologised and said he'd told her off for doing it as well.

But I was so irritated that she was so horrible to a young child that on the way out I put my face in hers and said if she had an issue with a young child to either raise it with the parents instead or be a bit nicer about it. She was pretty shitty back but I ignored her and walked out.

Now dd was in the wrong and annoying but surely that's for us to sort out, no to scare her so much?!

OP posts:
edam · 04/10/2008 23:32

Kicking a chair is bad behaviour and VERY irritating to the person whose chair is being kicked. Your dd is old enough to know much better. I'd have told her off, too. But in a polite manner.

A parent saying 'Ooh, I know, I've told her off already' while allowing the bad behaviour to carry on wouldn't impress me, I'm afraid.

Ds is five and if he kicked someone else's chair I'D be telling him off and making him stop. If he carried on, I'd tell him we were leaving.

TurkeyLurkey · 04/10/2008 23:33

Perhaps she heard your DH tell DD not to do it and realising his warning hadn't worked decided to tell her herself?

I have no problem with people telling mine off as long as its proportionate to the crime IYSWIM.

I'd probably feel a bit ashamed of my kid for being irritating to be honest and ignoring DHs warning..DD would have had a bollocking off me too in these circs

Quattrocento · 04/10/2008 23:34

Oh I am so with you Custy. LOTS of rudeness going on in this scenario. Interesting the way it all ramped up. No need for it IMO.

To the OP - so why didn't you just offer to buy her a coffee and apologise?

nametaken · 04/10/2008 23:34

I don't think YABU - I don't understand why people seem to be incapable of making a polite request these days. Why does everyone have to be so rude and aggresive.

What's wrong with asking nicely?

Remotew · 04/10/2008 23:35

It doesn't do a child any harm to be told off by another adult, it usually scares them and they learn by it. But she should have told you to ask her to stop as you were there. There is nothing more infuriating than someone speaking aggressively to your child. I would have been mad too and let the woman know this. But would have quietly told DD to respect other people around them later.

YANBU

Spaceman · 04/10/2008 23:36

Kids are not little robots. The world is a chaotic place. If you venture out of the door you may well see children pushing the boundaries.

Why can't people let things go? That also goes for OP by the way who reprimanded the old stiff and behaved as badly as she did.

Actually I think the grown ups behaved worse that the child.

Thirty minutes on the naughty step for the mum and sixty for the goggle eyed coffee drinker.

ivykaty44 · 04/10/2008 23:38

Well the op dd will have learnt that her rude behaviour provokes lots more rude behaviour from adults.

Now teach her that it would be better if all of you were polite and considerate and not blardy annoying

handlemecarefully · 04/10/2008 23:38

I guess canofworms was actually there, and if she was so taken aback by the lady concerned, then aforementioned woman was obviously overly aggressive in her attitude.

I think I would have said (on a good day) - "I'm sorry that dd was kicking your chair - that's obviously not right. However you could have just asked her nicely to stop or flagged it up to me rather than be so aggressive" (accompanied by stern look)

On a bad day I would have said "How dare you speak to my child like that you evil old bag"

handlemecarefully · 04/10/2008 23:40

I am impressed re how self possessed some of you (allegedly) are

slayerette · 04/10/2008 23:40

But the woman had gone into the cafe to read the paper and have some peace and quiet. Why should she 'let it go' when the child was being annoying. Maybe let it go if it happened once but it happened again and then again! I don't think she had the right to be rude or aggressive to the OP's DD but I disagree that people should just let things go.

No-one's expecting the OP's child to be a 'little robot'. But they are expecting her to show consideration for other people around her.

harpsichordcarrier · 04/10/2008 23:41

HOLD ON where does it say she was kicking the chair? the child was just rocking her chair a bit and knocking the chair against another table.
"I hadn't noticed but she kept pushing her feet against the table and knocking her chair into this woman's table."
this really is not the same as "kicking a chair"
she sounds like she was just fidgeting a bit really.
I think that there is no excuse for people being rude to young children and treating them with no respect tbh. I wouldn't speak to an adult in that way and I don't really see why it is acceptable to be rude to children just because they are children.
it would not be OK to "put your hand in someone's face" if they were an adult.
the woman was extremely rude, and should set a better example than to be so nasty to a 7 year old over something so trivial as jiggling her chair about
different, of course, if the 7 year old was doing something unpleasant, anti-social, dangerous, illegal.....

edam · 04/10/2008 23:41

What on earth has happened to make 'you must not speak directly to my child, you must speak to me' seem like a reasonable statement to so many people? If a child was repeatedly kicking my table, I would feel fully entitled to say 'please stop kicking the table'. Why is that not allowed in some peoples' opinion?

Have our children suddenly been enveloped by individual forcefields or something?

harpsichordcarrier · 04/10/2008 23:43

I honestly don't think we have to right to go around being nasty to people because they are annoying us. what about tolerance and kindness? what about a little respect?

handlemecarefully · 04/10/2008 23:43

That's very true harpsi - it has tranmogrified into kicking!

Quattrocento · 04/10/2008 23:44

Surely not HMC. That'd be unlike you.

If your children are behaving badly isn't it fairly normal just to be mortified and apologise and do a lot of that hissing-through-the-teeth-thing at your children?

Why on earth provoke a full scale row when your side started with the bad behaviour?

Spaceman · 04/10/2008 23:44

That's just my point. You can't be in a public area and expect to have peace and quiet. If you get it then great, but people are always gonna get in the way. Kids are annoying. Live and let live.

handlemecarefully · 04/10/2008 23:46

'you must not speak directly to my child, you must speak to me'

Has anyone actually said that?? - I don't believe they have

handlemecarefully · 04/10/2008 23:46

Sarcasm and wit Quattro - there is a saying about that (I don't rate you much either as it happens)

ivykaty44 · 04/10/2008 23:47

I honestly don't think we have to right to go around being nasty to people because they are annoying us. what about tolerance and kindness? what about a little respect?

No need to be nasty just ask them to stop being annoying, they will not get a great deal of respect that needs to be earned.

GobbledigookisThrifty · 04/10/2008 23:48

It doesn't sound like the lady just asked politely for the child to stop bumping the chair - it sounds, from the OP, that it was in an aggressive manner.

I would object to the manner in which it sounds like it was said, not the fact that she asked.

harpsichordcarrier · 04/10/2008 23:49

yes and I doubt the OP would have objected to 'please stop kicking the table'.
speaking politely and calmly to children to correct them = fine.
being rude and aggressive to children or adults except in very extreme circs = not fine imo.

handlemecarefully · 04/10/2008 23:49

Exactly - quite simple really isn't it

slayerette · 04/10/2008 23:50

If my child was being annoying in a public area, I'd do something about it. I wouldn't expect or assume that everyone else was going to 'live and let live'. And why should they?

harpsichordcarrier · 04/10/2008 23:51

respect needs to be earned??
so if we meet someone that we don't know, we don't need to respect them, because they haven't "earned" it??
gosh, what an unpleasant way to go through life.
respect is the bottom line for any human being, imo. we start by treating others with respect, not finish

slayerette · 04/10/2008 23:51

The saying about sarcasm and wit, by the way, is that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence...

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