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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I just back off and leave her alone?

27 replies

Chequers · 03/10/2008 19:45

There are 6 of us in our NCT group and the babies are between 2 and 3 months old now.

We've all been meeting pretty regularly but there is one girl who is absolutely lovely who hasn't been to many meet-ups. SHe doesn't drive so getting to other people's houses is hard and we haven't seen her for a while.

Anyway, I texted her yesterday to say did she want to come to a meet-up in town (thinking she could get the bus). She replied immediately and said it depended if she could get a lift, so I replied straightaway and asked if there was a cafe near her that she could walk to and we could all meet up there as it would be lovely to see her.

Anyway, she didn't reply and I don't want to phone her now as it will seem like I'm badgering her. She also always communicates by text so seems weird if I were to phone her.

I don't want her to feel left out at all, but at the same time I don't want to make her feel like she has to be involved if she doesn't want to be.

I think she's really lovely, and I remember saying after our first session how nice she seemed.

Anyway - should I just leave her alone, or try to make more effort?

I vaguely discussed this with one of the other girls yesterday and she wondered if she felt left out as she is the only one who is not b/feeding. I am mixed feeding anyway though so she's not the only one using formula.

Should I just leave her alone, or try again to include her?

OP posts:
Miyazaki · 03/10/2008 19:48

I would try again - if I am busy when a text comes through and can't reply straight away, I often forget!

I think if you try one more time, especially as you like her (and not just being angelic) and nothing doing, I would leave it.

pinkteddy · 03/10/2008 19:50

Your babies are still very young and its can be really difficult with your 1st to get organised and out of the door, maybe she is finding everything hard atm and needs a bit more time until she is ready to socialise? Doesn't mean she doesn't want to.

Original poster
Chequers · 03/10/2008 19:51

I did think about just phoning her one day and asking could I pop round, but if she is not interested I really don't want to put her in a position where she has to make something up or put up with me when she doesn't want to.

OP posts:
Sycamoretree · 03/10/2008 19:59

Please try again - more often than not, it's this girl/woman in the group who needs the group the most. We had one in ours who eventually only emerged when the babes were nearly 9 months old - turned out she'd had an absolute nightmare - we all felt terrible we hadn't tried harder. She could be feeling quite isolated without a car. If she is reluctant to come for meet ups, it could be a confidence thing - if she has a particularly fractious baby it can be terrifying, as you know, to think about sitting in a cafe trying to keep them quiet whilst everyone around you seems to have perfectly content little babies.

This may not be the case at all, but given texts can be a bit hit and miss (I am ALWAYS forgetting to reply if I don't do it in the moment) then why not try and get her email address if she has one. You could email her and be a bit chatty about how you've been finding it - show a bit of vulnerability so she understands not everyone is perfect? I doubt very much she's just not interested in meeting up - can't think of a single new mum in that situation that isn't craving some company and solidarity. You are very nice for taking the trouble with her - persevere and it could result in a really great friendship for you both. I made a great friend through my NCT...it ended up in a nanny share when we returned to work, and now, even though the family have moved about half and hour away, we still regularly meet up for family days at the weekends.

Good luck.

ledodgy · 03/10/2008 20:02

Alot pof new mums who don't drive become scared of public transport , getting on buses with the pram etc. Could one of you offer her a lift maybe?

Sycamoretree · 03/10/2008 20:02

Chequers - I know how you feel, you don't want to come over pushy when someone is in this situation - but why not just be really up front. Can you find a way to be quite jokey about saying you'd love to see her and her DC, but you're worried about coming over as too pushy. It's a lovely idea to ask if she'd like to just come over to yours for a coffee, or say, if she's prefer, that you could pop round for half and hour or so?

Smithagain · 03/10/2008 20:05

I had the same dilemma with the "quiet one" in our postnatal group.

I did pluck up the courage and it was just shyness on her part. We are still friends six years later, but I've lost touch with most of the others!

Maybe give her a call - maybe suggest coffee just the two of you, in case she is feeling a bit freaked out by the concept of a big meet-up?

Original poster
Chequers · 03/10/2008 20:06

DH and I gave her a lift to one meet-up but I know this sounds silly but I'm a bit scared of driving around someone else's baby as I only passed my test earlier this year and I'm not totally confident, hence why I haven't offered her a lift since DH went back to work. She obviously doesn't know this though...

Not sure about how the others feel about lifts, haven't discussed it.

OP posts:
Libra1975 · 03/10/2008 20:07

"Anyway, I texted her yesterday to say did she want to come to a meet-up in town (thinking she could get the bus). She replied immediately and said it depended if she could get a lift, so I replied straightaway and asked if there was a cafe near her that she could walk to and we could all meet up there as it would be lovely to see her."

She has told you she does want to but it depends if she can get a lift. Personally I think she is angling for a lift, this is not necessarily a bad thing maybe she is scared of attempting public transport with a baby and maybe she doesn't have a cafe near her within walking distance or doesn't know of one. Could a carseat for the baby be borrowed and a lift into town be given?

Original poster
Chequers · 03/10/2008 20:08

Ok, perhaps I should just bite the bullet and offer her a lift, I guess she is only about 5 miles from me, it's not that far.

SHe does have a car seat.

OP posts:
Libra1975 · 03/10/2008 20:11

I think that would be the nicest thing to do, I know myself and a fellow NCTer were hurt when another NCTer didn't join us for a cinema outing as she couldn't drive, we would have happily picked her up if she had just told us the problem.

Gettingbiggernow · 03/10/2008 20:12

Perhaps as well as wanting a lift (I agree that's what she was probably hoping for) could it be that she is a bit shy of walking into the meet-up on her own?

Why not text and ask if she would like to go together, say you will drive to hers and then you can both walk to the cafe from there?

If I were you I would explain at some point that you are not a completely confident driver yet so that she is aware of this when it comes to lifts, also that she sees not everybody is as "capable" as they might appear IYSWIM - it could be a confidence boost for her in a roundabout way.

elkiedee · 03/10/2008 20:12

I would try giving her more chances and don't get too stressed about it. She may be finding things a struggle or suffering from PND, or she may not want to meet up. Do you live nearer to her than the others in terms of offering lifts. I've met a woman who suffered quite a lot with agoraphobia which started before she got pregnant and got worse after the baby. Maybe when you next meet up if she doesn't make it you could see if one of the others could help with a lift.

Liffey · 03/10/2008 20:15

That'd be really kind and I bet she'd really appreicate it.

I was always the one without the car (during the day), and when I only had one child, I always really appreciated it when somebody could fit us in and give us a lift.

But I never asked as I hated to feel like I was imposing on anybody.

hollyandnoah · 03/10/2008 20:30

hey, i think you should give her a call! I always forget to text people back, if i read my text while i am feeding or something. I always always forget. She could have ran out or credit maybe?

Original poster
Chequers · 03/10/2008 20:45

Ok, will see if she wants a lift.

TBH, for my sake as well I could do with a friend who is also using formula.

OP posts:
Gettingbiggernow · 03/10/2008 20:54

Chequers on something of a hijack , I am pg with DC1 and will cheerfully tell anyone that I am planning to bf for as long as it suits (if at all) then will ff as and when necessary - is the pressure really that bad in NT groups re bf?

I have heard something like this before and TBH it is what has put me off joining - not because I am "scared", quite the opposite - because I am MORE than prepared to make myself unpopular with bf advocates if they are too opinionated/forceful!! I wouldn't dream of commenting on another's preferred feeding method and would highly resent any prolongued interference from someone else on the topic!

Original poster
Chequers · 03/10/2008 20:57

Hi GBN, no, my group are all lovely, don't ram b/feeding down your throat at all.

I seem to be the only none who has struggled long-term, although one girl had great difficulty at the beginning but is now going great guns.

So for me I am a bot of an odd one out and I do wonder if the others wonder why I am using formula but they are not at all snotty about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chequers · 03/10/2008 20:59

Oh, and congratulations on your pregnancy When are you due?

OP posts:
Gettingbiggernow · 03/10/2008 21:04

Thanks Chequers, that's good to hear! Guess it depends on the individuals in the group and their beliefs anyway.

Now I am pg I am amazed at the stories I hear of women bursting into tears at the relief of being "allowed" to ff or relief at not being ostracised for moving onto to ff and TBH it has put me off groups which is a shame.

Have also heard of the same frowning-upon from the same quarters re pain relief and caesareans - don't get me started on a woman's right to choose her own birth!!! hence I deduced me and my liberal views might not be very welcome...

Gettingbiggernow · 03/10/2008 21:05

X posts - thanks! I am due in January

Sycamoretree · 03/10/2008 22:05

Bettingbiggernow - don't worry - my NCT group were also all lovely - we still have a hardcore group of us together and all the DC's are now 3. Only two of us FF - one by choice, me by dismal failure, and no one batted and eyelid, and they were all desperately sympathetic with how sad I was to have not been able to feed DD (made up for it with DS!). It's a bit of the luck of the draw - it's down to the individuals, not the personality of the organisation, per se. Good luck for your impending arrival!

Sycamoretree · 03/10/2008 22:05

Getting - sorry - typo on your name!

Gettingbiggernow · 03/10/2008 22:31

sycamoretree LOL at typo!!

Thanks for your post and good wishes. Its reassuring to hear that some groups are lovely and supportive. I was wanting to join a group for the camderadie, support and just for meeting other mums really but was put off by a few of the stories of bf etc zealots (am a very pro-choice person).

I may look up the nearest one tomorrow and see what happens!

Sycamoretree · 03/10/2008 23:41

Good luck - they book up ridiculously early though - I know so many mums who haven't managed to get on as they enquired too late. I had never heard of NCT until a mum at work mentioned the course - which she had been too late to get on to!

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