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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel upset that 5-yr-old DD hasn't been invited to a party?

28 replies

Treeny · 02/10/2008 09:42

I genuinely feel upset on DD1's behalf about this, not cross. All the other little girls in her group of friends at school have been invited to a party - it doesn't seem to be a particularly small do, as they're all talking about it. Invitations went out earlier this week and they were all running round the playground excitedly with them. They've all been to each other's birthday parties.

At first I thought DD must be getting an invite at some point, but it seems not. I don't want her to be too upset about it or to think it's too big a deal, so I've just said to her that they probably don't have enough space for everyone, and you can't always invite every single one of your friends.

But she's sad about it, and I'm baffled. AIBU to care? They're a bit young to have got into little groups with people being 'in' and 'out' - they all play together.

I'm thinking of saying to the birthday girl's mum or dad tomorrow - in a friendly and un-cross way (I know the parents, but not really well) - that birthday parties are a nightmare, I know you can't invite everyone, but DD has asked why she's not invited and I don't know what to tell her. I would keep it as light as possible, and I wouldn't say that DD is upset about it.

Would that be out of order? Should I just let it go and use it as an opportunity to teach DD about dealing with life's disappointments?

OP posts:

cmotdibbler · 02/10/2008 09:44

Just let it go - tell your DD that the birthday girl could only have so many people to her party and leave it at that.

Invites are more to do with the parents than the child, so maybe its that they've invited the children of their friends ?

FlirtyThirty · 02/10/2008 09:46

YAB (a little) U

I'm sad for your DD...but...I wouldn't say anything to the parents. I'm afraid these things happen...and will continue to happen right into adulthood...I think this may just be one of those things you have to help your daughter deal with. And perhaps arrange something that you as a family will be doing that day.

nailpolish · 02/10/2008 09:47

you really cant say anything
its just life im afraid

DumbledoresGirl · 02/10/2008 09:47

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset that your dd has not been invited. It does sound like lots of girls are going and it is hard when your child is not invited.

But I don't think you should approach the mother giving the party. How embarrassing would that be for her and you? Don't demean yourself. Your dd will get invited to a party soon. How about asking her to invite one child back for tea one day? She could even put on her party dress for it if she wanted, and you could do a little party tea. IME, many children prefer having a friend home for tea to going to a big party which often is not as much fun as it might seem.

hippipotami · 02/10/2008 09:47

I would not speak to the birthday parent - you would come across as slightly overbearing I think.

Perhaps, for cost reasons, they could only invite say 12 children. So while it looks like lots, there was a limit and your dd was 13th on the list.

I am agonizing over this with dd at the moment. She will be 6 in December and due to financial reasons we are havign a tiny party at home. She has lots of friends and has been invited to lots of their parties. She has managed to whittle her list down to 7 friends. But really there are two more I know she really wants to invite, and I really want to invite them but just dont' have the space (small house). It is hard, this party lark

That said, do check your dd has not left the invitation in her tray at school. That does happen sometimes.

andiem · 02/10/2008 09:47

you need to let it goooooooooo
you cannot live their lives either for them or through them when she is 18 she won't be psychotic because she didn't get invited to every party and if you make a big deal out of it you will make it worse

and definitely do not approache the parents they will think badly of you no matter how you phrase it

SaintRiven · 02/10/2008 09:49

its hard to let go but there's not much you can do about it. dd never gets invited to parties either.

monkeymonkeymonkey · 02/10/2008 09:50

If you are sure that she didnt get an invite and lose it then I wouldnt approach the other parents, but just tell your DD that not everyone can be invited to every party.

chopchopbusybusy · 02/10/2008 09:53

I don't think YABU to be upset on your DDs behalf, but I think you should let it go. Don't speak to the parents they will think you are barking. This situation is very common and there is a thread about something similar most weeks. Always strikes a bit of a chord with me because I did fall out with someone over something similar - although I still believe I was right . Organise something special for your DD to do that day to take her mind off it.

LouMacca · 02/10/2008 09:55

I do feel for you but like the others said you have to let it go.

It does seem strange that she's the only one in the little group of friends that hasn't been invited though.

My friend was really upset when her 7 year old son was the only boy in the class not invited to another boys party (which was a bit mean) so she arranged a really fun day out for her son the day of the party to take his mind off it.

twentypence · 02/10/2008 09:56

Ds got an emergency invite to a party at 9.45 the night before when the little boy announced he had invited him at school. I accepted because it was free rock climbing and ds wasn't busy and thought it would be a nice surprise.

He wasn't surprised at all - he knew all about it. The mother was so apologetic for not properly inviting him sooner. But I have read enough Mumsnet to know that it's not the done thing to get upset and so I didn't bother. it was actually really hard to persuade her that an invite is lovely, even a last minute one and we were not upset.

So in summary, let it go.

mabanana · 02/10/2008 09:59

I also think she may have mislaid her invitation - that's happened to me. Maybe talk to one of hte other invitees parents or even just chat to the party girl's mum in the playground and see if she says, 'is your dd able to come?'
You never know. If she's not invited plan a nice day for her, and don't invite the mean mum's daughter to anything ever again! (evil, bitter mummy emoticon!)

nailpolish · 02/10/2008 10:00

its onlyh a party
itll be forgotten by next week

boy · 02/10/2008 10:00

It is horrible the amount of worries we have over our children, its normal to want to protect you little girl and she should have got an invite but I think the advice given so far is just great. I had a party for my little girl recently and had endless wories about not having her friends siblings there but I had to do this as each child had 2-3 and the party would have been massive !!!! I shouldnt mention it to her now just let it pass, soon there will be so many parties that you will be glad not to get an invite !!!

Original poster

Treeny · 02/10/2008 10:06

Good advice, all - thanks. I don't want to make a big issue of it at all, and have played it down to DD - I guess I genuinely wanted to be able to explain to her properly why she'd been left out.

She gets invited to parties regularly - as I say, all the little girls in this group at school have invited each other. That's why I was surprised. Definitely don't want to be one of those mothers that fights all her kids' battles for them.

The whole birthday-party thing is, I have to say, one of my least-fave aspects of parenthood!

OP posts:

debzmb62 · 02/10/2008 10:24

a bless don,t worry be gratefull lol!!
my kids cost me a fortune with all the partys they've been to !! there will be plenty more maybe you could cheer your dd up by maybe inviting a couple of her freinds around for tea or something they love that

Original poster

Treeny · 02/10/2008 10:30

I've been thinking a bit more about why it bothers me. I don't care about parties in themselves (as others have said, expensive and a hassle!) - but I mind about DD1 feeling anxious and miserable, perhaps because of nothing more than thoughtlessness. I want her to go on being lovely and happy and confident - not anxious about why her friend doesn't want her at her party.

But I realise that it's down to me to do what I can to help her feel good about herself, and I will do that! We will rise above it. She often has friends over for tea, and goes to their houses, and she loves that. But we might not have the latest birthday-girl over for a while...

OP posts:

mabanana · 02/10/2008 10:32

Have you checked her tray for an invite or asked the teacher if your dd got one? Mislaid invitations happen all the time.

Original poster

Treeny · 02/10/2008 10:40

Will check, Mabanana - good suggestion. But will try to do so without DD realising what I'm up to!

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shootfromthehip · 02/10/2008 10:50

Def worth checking to see if the invite was mislaid- I spent 2 weeks thinking that DD's 'best friend' (whose mother I don't really like) wasn't inviting her to her birthday. Turns out DH had picked it up and put it unopened (because it had DD's name on it and he was respecting her privacy - she's 4 ffs) on the dresser in the hall. I then found it and had to back-peddle frantically and recant some of the mildly rude things that I might have said about that Mum to other Mums . At least you have MNed and not bitched to others again!!! Oh dear- glad you don't know me in RL!!!!

PussinWellies · 02/10/2008 10:57

This is one of those posts I read thinking, 'Oh god, it's not me, is it?'

If so, it's because we said 'no more than 7 this year' because last year was just that bit too chaotic...

anyoneelse · 02/10/2008 11:03

Trouble is invites can be mislaid in some bizarre ways - so it is hard to check except the obvious drawers at school. But all the same I wouldnt go getting anyone hopes up.

My DD came home ever so excited with an invite about a year ago. I didnt focus too much on the name on the invite for a few days (I just tend to look at the time/place/date) because DD had it in her hand it didnt occur to me it wasnt for her. Then when I was pinning it up on our board I just happened to notice it was actually in some bad childlike handwriting and was for a different child - whose name starts with the same letter and has a similar sort of look to it but not the same name as my DD. So it had been put in the wrong drawer by someone.

I then had to explain to my DD that she wasnt invited after all . Luckily the party was some weeks away so it all blew over.

LadyPenelope · 02/10/2008 11:04

Definitely do not speak to the mother about it. It's a harsh reality of childhood that the children don't get invited to all the parties - sometimes even for friends you think they would. The best idea is to make very little of it and just say "It's not always possible to invite everyone you really want to invite." She'll surprise you by repeating this back to you at some point in the future when you feel upset on her behalf and she doesn't mind or notice! (From my experience with DD who is 7)

quickdrawmcgraw · 02/10/2008 11:09

ds had a party recently and invited the class. One mum wanted to share a lift with another and found she didn't know anything about it. I was mortified she hadn't got the invite (which I think must have fallen out of child's bag) and hastily invited her.
I was so glad that I found out beforehand and she didn't think her child was the only one not invited.
Maybe just say to parent 'I hear you're having a party on Sat, let's hope the weather stays fine for you' or something like that. just friendly, not heavy or bitter.

Original poster

Treeny · 02/10/2008 11:21

Shootfromthehip - LOL - have managed not to mouth off to anyone other than DH in RL!

Pussinwellies - you may be quite right - although the party isn't in their home, it's in a 'venue', and quite a lot of kids seem to have been invited.

Ladypenelope - v good advice - it's what I've been saying so far to DD, while fretting behind her back.

I will probably have the opportunity for general chit-chat with the birthday girl's mum or dad, and won't mention the party but see if it comes up. When DD1 had her birthday party, I found myself mentioning it to parents in the days before ('hope X can come, etc'), as I wanted to make sure invitations had gone where they should - a slightly haphazard process with 5-year-olds at school, I do realise!

What a lot of unnecessary mental contortions on my part! I really should get on with my day-job.

OP posts:

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