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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to drive?

34 replies

staranise · 30/09/2008 14:28

I know I'm probaly being BU but...

Passed my test when I was 18 and didn't drive for the next 15 years (parents didn't have a car, never needed to drive, lived abroad etc). Moved to v busy part of London, had second baby, at DH's behest took some refresher lessons.

But I hate it, stresses me out, have never been on an A road by myself, never mind a motorway. Am paranoid about crashing with the children in the car. Only drive short distances if I really have to (in the evening as a non-drinker) and I already know the route. Walk everywhere or take public transport, even if it means massive inconvenience. Longer journeys DH drives.

DH getting increasingly annoyed by this, now I'm pg with number 3 and have back problems which means that pushing a buggy, walking etc are difficult. DH doesn't understand in the slightest (he's a real boy racer), thinks I'm being wussy (I am but can't help it) and am inconveniencing the whole family. He can't give me practice as gets too annoyed with my driving (too slow, too cautious etc). A friend would take me out in the evenings but am 7 months pg and knackered, and TBH, if I don't want to drive (except for emergencies, I can get to the hospital etc) is that really really BU?

OP posts:

Miaou · 30/09/2008 14:38

Hmm - I think in the larger picture, maybe YABU. It is inconvenient to only have one driver, and particularly annoying to the driver who then has to pick up the slack. I say this as dw to my dh who lost his licence for 18 months (however we live in rural Scotland so the impact was life-changingly huge).

But - but - I don't think you should be under pressure to do something about this just now. I have had four children and with all except the last I didn't drive in the final two months of pregnancy (had to when pg with no. 4, see above ) - there are 101 reasons why it's not a good idea. And, obviously, you are not going to want to do it whilst you have a small baby.

IIWY, I would talk to your dh. Tell him you appreciate that he shoulders all the responsibility, etc. Agree that in a year's time (or whatever timescale works for you), you will take some more refresher lessons (to give you more confidence driving on Mways, A roads, finding your way etc), and will do more of the driving. However, in return for this, he must not nag and mutter and sulk about this for the next year, and he must keep his gob shut when you are driving!

Dh hates me driving and as a result I never drive him anywhere (apart from ... see above ... ). His loss

takingitasitcomes · 30/09/2008 14:38

I'm afraid YABU. I do understand that it's coming from a very real fear, but I have experienced life with an adult who wouldn't drive and it was a HUGE nuisance to me. She just didn't understand how annoying it was to have to be running around after her. Her attitude was 'if you're going out anyway' or 'it's not that far and will only take you 10 minutes each way...' etc. But when you are the one being told (it's not really asking when they don't offer a reasonable alternative) to drive them everywhere it builds up to become a real nightmare. I really resented it by the end. I also think that as a responsible parent you should be learning to drive confidently as a role model for your children. Otherwise they're going to grow up thinking your DH's boyracing is normal, and that mums are fearful and not capable of driving.

That all brought up a bit more old emotion than I realised I was carrying about this! Sorry it sounds so strong -but maybe that shows you what an impact this refusal can have on someone else?

Brangelina · 30/09/2008 14:39

I'm the same as you, passed my test when I was too poor to afford a car, always lived in big cities etc. and never needed one. Im now finding it would be handy to drive sometimes, especially for my work, but can't bring myself to do so.

YANBU. If you're not constantly hassling him for lifts everywhere I really don't see his problem. My DP is resigned to the fact I'm never going to want to drive and accepts it. Alos, if you live in London it seems a maddere thing to drive than not drive, IYSWIM.

Trebuchet · 30/09/2008 14:41

I don't like driving, and was a bit phobic actually when I had ds, put it off for months using c-sec as excuse, but I made myself do it as its so isolating round here without a car. Why not agree to have a few refresher lessons, proper ones where nobody's going to shout at you, AFTER this baby is born. That gives you a couple of months to steel yourself and its a decent compromise.

Tortington · 30/09/2008 14:41

people who train and teach have a specific skill set.

just becuase i can drive doesn't mean i can teach you to drive.

therefore if you need refresher lessons you should go with the professionals

i wold say YABU if your dh has worked all day and you are expecting him to ferry you here there and everywhere

if howver, you dont need to drive and you dont ask your dh to ferry you about - then i can't see a problem

NotCod · 30/09/2008 14:42

im not suprised dh is pissed off

oh come on get ON wiht it

you arebeing patehtic

FioFio · 30/09/2008 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

southeastastra · 30/09/2008 14:46

this is like my dp, nearly 50 passed when he was 18 hasn't driven since, drives me barmy

Boyswillbeboys · 30/09/2008 14:47

I'm with you and Brangelina! I'm petrified of driving although I passed my test first time at 18. I am fortunate to live in central london where there are good bus routes and tubes etc so have always had an excuse not too. Up until recently DH drove to work so I wouldn't have used the car much anyway, but now he doesn't drive to work due to new job location and I'm thinking that the car would actually come in handy now and then but I just can't bring myself to do it!

You are 7months pg, for goodness sake don't get stressed about it now! This is not the time to be doing something about it - when you've had the baby and are feeling stronger then tackle the issue but in the meantime I think your DH is being unreasonable for not being more sympathetic!

MorningTownRide · 30/09/2008 14:49

YANBU - DH and I are like you!

We have never felt the need to drive a car and we have 2 dc.

We live in London on the Central Line.

I think your dh is being horrible about it and he should be sympathetic. It is difficult to 'get back on the horse' and being a bastard about it doesn't help.

However, I think from your post you do need to drive. you have to keep driving and driving. It's all about confidence. Go out on a Sunday to practise.

Good Luck!

MrsBadger · 30/09/2008 14:49

book refresher lessons and [whispers] get an automatic

got me back into driving after an 8y gap

it's the 'even if it means massive inconvenience' that gets me - you will have 3 kids soon and 'massive inconvenience' and multiple buses will become even less fun\

one you have started the refresher lessons force yourself to drive every day - it is THE ONLY way to build your confidence.

cmotdibbler · 30/09/2008 14:50

YABU - if your DH always has to do the long drives/anything on an A road or motorway, and he generally feels he has to do the driving, then I can appreciate his annoyance.

Book some refresher lessons, including motorways, and then make yourself go out regularly

bobsyouruncle · 30/09/2008 14:51

My dh refused to learn to drive until a couple of years ago and it really annoyed me tbh. I'm a nervous driver but I do it to make life better for me and my family, and felt he should want to do it for us too. He gave in to my nagging eventually and now drives and loves it! Wishes he'd learned years ago. I can relate to your dh's frustration on this one, but clearly driving makes you very anxious and I cna relate to that too! I'd try to overcome the anxiety if it were me - refresher lessons with an understanding instructor?

NotCod · 30/09/2008 14:51

someone i knew once learend when her kids told her" she wasnt a proper mummy " as they coudlnever go anwyehre

NotCod · 30/09/2008 14:52

god how coul dyou find a man attractive who didnt drive

fizzpops · 30/09/2008 14:52

I don't drive and I know my husband would love me to be able to and in the past I have felt very guilty on occasions that he is bearing the brunt of this. Having said that I am very careful not to ask him to drive me anywhere unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. I walk to the shops or get the train (with buggy), train to work and never suggest we go anywhere that requires driving unless it is a special occasion like a wedding in which case I would arrange overnight accommodation etc.

I STILL feel that it a pressure for him though. At the moment though we simply cannot afford it and even if I did learn we can't afford 2 cars.

It sounds like you just need to build up your confidence as you are more than halfway there. You can take it at your own pace and at least you are starting to do something about it.

What always amazes me is how shocked people are about it. It IS possible to live without a car. I would go to less weddings but it IS possible - just a bit boring.

brimfull · 30/09/2008 14:53

I have a friend who doesn't drive-tis such a pita.

weird a bloke not driving

bobsyouruncle · 30/09/2008 14:54

I've never driven one but have heard automatics great for nervous drivers, less to do and therefore easier to think about other cars etc iykwim.

MorningTownRide · 30/09/2008 14:56

Why is a bloke not driving weird??

Tortington · 30/09/2008 14:57

automatics are bullshit. you have passed your test - its not the clutch thats the problem i guess?

its the fact that there are ma million things going on around you and youhave to be very aware and v. vigilant all the time.

you are nervous becuse people think you are going to slow - or you think they do
you are nrvous for your own mortality and that of your children or other passengers.

you need lessons.

but if its thats bad - quite frankly it might be safer for car drivers if you didn't drive.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 30/09/2008 15:10

I don't drive. I don't see why I should either. The way I see it, I am setting a good example to my children by showing them that it is possible to do most things by walking, cycling and using public transport. DH does have to do the the driving on long journeys, but we do few of those, we usually take the train when we can. And far from having to ferry me around, he has just had a courtesy car for two weeks while his was being repaired and I never even got to sit in it.

katiechops · 30/09/2008 15:11

I was in a similar situatuion - passed my test but couldn't afford a car and lived in city centre where I didn't really need one for 6 years.

When I got offered a job that was difficult to access by public transport I was so nervous about driving again. Had ten hours of refresher lessons with a lovely instructor who took me on the motorway, busy town centre, parking at the shopping centre, etc.

To be honest I still felt very uncomfortable and anxious driving for about three months after I'd had the lessons, but I'm so glad I kept it up.

sb6699 · 30/09/2008 15:16

I drive everywhere (live semi-rural so its more of a necessity).

Although in saying that, while I am quite happy driving 400 miles from East Anglia to Glasgow on a busy motorway, I hate driving in London.

The roads jam packed with eejits who think if cut in front of you (often without indicators) they will get to their destination faster even though the traffic is at a standstill as far as the eye can see.

To be fair though, if you have a licence and access to a car and yet expect dh to run around picking you up everywhere then you AB(slightly)U.

Why not ask him to bear with you until after the baby is born and then when you are feeling up to it book a refresher course and tackle the issue head on!

WorzselMummage · 30/09/2008 15:21

A bloke not being able to drive would be a massive turn off !

how do you manage without driving ? driving is awesome !

amner · 30/09/2008 15:22

I dont think YABU.

If you dont like driving or dont feel confident on the roads then tbh you are better off not there.

There are alternatives and like you say in the OP you could do it in an emergency.

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