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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its our business how old we are when we have our kids and how many we have?

71 replies

lollipopz · 30/09/2008 09:52

Ok just a wee bit irritated at the amount of negative or sarcastic comments me and dh have been getting since announcing we are expecting our fourth child! I am 26 and dh is 27 we have been together for 8 years and married for 3. Our kids are 6.5 , 5 and 2.
All sorts of people from family members to people we barely know saying things such as: "you will not cope you are to young" "your dh will end up leaving u" " do all your kids have the same dad?!"
Some mothers have came up to me in the playground and asked how old I am and how old I was when I had dd1 which i considered v rude.
Ok I appreciate we are young but we are in a solid relationship both work and own our own house and car.
Is it fair for these people to make these comments purely based on how old we look when some of them don't even know any thing about us and do u think the same comments would be mede to a woman 5 years or so older than me?
Sorry if this seems quite petty but I am so happy about having this baby and these opinions are just getting me down a bit!

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/09/2008 10:10

i never said that i didn't think you paid

i said the caveat on my opinion was that you can do what you like a long as i'm not payin for them - have as many as you want and enjoy

cheesesarnie · 30/09/2008 10:10

i said no matter what age.

cupsoftea · 30/09/2008 10:12

good for you lollipopz - I've five kids & we support our selves. We work hard and go with out alot of the things that other people have. Enjoy you're family - bet some people are just jealous you have lots of kids & a solid relationship.

BarbieLovesKen · 30/09/2008 10:12

congratulations!!.

I understand completely where you are coming from - none of their business - ignore them!!.

I've had these comments too and one particulary awful visit to the doctors springs to mind where myself and dd were treated like absolute shte because, IMO, Im young and therefore had* to be on benefits....

nooname · 30/09/2008 10:12

One of my friends was in your situation - having all 4 of her children between 19 and 29 and she used to hate all the looks and comments too.

Imo she was the sensible one - now we're 34 all her kids are at school, she's training to be a teacher and her life is sorted.

I've just destroyed my career prospects by being pg with my second child and now looking at waiting another 4 or 5 yrs before I can do anything about it!!!

If you're in the right situation to have your kids young then I think it's by far more sensible than waiting til you're in your 30s. (In my case it took til my late 20s to find a decent man!!)

Good luck.

schwotz · 30/09/2008 10:14

If your dh losses his job, hopefully he will find another because he is young. Some are feeling the credit crunch and some people would not be able to consider getting a larger family ATM.

cupsoftea · 30/09/2008 10:14

Well custardo - people are paying for you & your family when you use any state service.

marmadukescarlet · 30/09/2008 10:14

When I was 34 my DS' paed said, "you're not thinking of having any more at your age?" Perhaps I looked particularly haggard? I have 2 btw.

People always think it is their business, whatever your age.

nooname · 30/09/2008 10:15

Oh and I don't actually agree with the comments about being able to pay for them. I don't see any problem in getting State support while your kids are young. You'll both have plenty of time to more than pay back any help you get now later.

It's a very narrow-minded view to say you should only have kids if you can pay for them at the time you have them.

southeastastra · 30/09/2008 10:18

i must be narrow minded then

glaskhamhasoneintheoven · 30/09/2008 10:18

lollipopz- i'm kinda in the same boat, 23yo, PG with dc3, 2dc's aged 3.10 & 2.5. Happily married for over 3 years, with DH for 7 years. We own our own home and car, DH has a good job, I'm a SAHM, and the amount of time people have assumed i'm a single mum on benefits, because i was out with one or both of my DC's in the week, is amazing!!

I know just how you feel!!!

schwotz · 30/09/2008 10:18

People have a right to their views, but saying in the playground is another matter.

Custy has a right to her views too on MN and she is a very fair person and not narrow minded. Don't make this a morning battle FFS.

I'm off to work now.

Tortington · 30/09/2008 10:21

yes cup of tea - iam glad that i have the state to fall back on in times of need. is there a point to that statement - you lost me

cupsoftea · 30/09/2008 10:24

Yes - you say you don't want to be paying for other peoples children when they - the other parents - are in fact paying for yours as the welfare state is collective - we all put in an amount & it goes to those in need.

Original poster
lollipopz · 30/09/2008 10:24

I think I understand where this is all coming from ie: states for people in need and not really for people who just have loads of kids and don't bother to work, however I am not in this situation and its not really what I asked about in the first post!

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitch · 30/09/2008 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BlaDeBla · 30/09/2008 11:06

I expect people are jealous, lollipopz! You're not that young any more anyway and life is all swings and roundabouts anyway! I've not had stick from anyone for having children late, or having a joint age with dh of almost 100 when both were born.

wannaBe · 30/09/2008 11:13

.

The welfare state is there for people in need. People do not need to keep having children if they cannot support them financially. Relying on the state for healthcare is far different to relying on the state to look after baby after baby that people keep having simply because they can.

I think this raises some questions though re why people jump to these conclusions. It wasn't that long ago that having children young was the norm. My mum was 20 when she had my sister and 23 when she had me - all my friends had parents of similar age, and they were all married young/had children young. So why is that 30 years down the line having children younger is seen to not be the norm, and that those having children younger are seen to be single parents?

mumof2andabit · 30/09/2008 11:14

oh lollipopz I so nearly started a thread like this myself! I am 21 (gasps) in a few weeks and am pregnant with no.3 my kids are well looked after and happy. My husband works fulltime and I work part time. Since I started work again all I have gotten is " you don't look old enough to have kids you look about 17". It is rude to comment imo there's just no need.

BlingLovin · 30/09/2008 11:15

I'd work up a couple of killer one liners along the lines of, "yes, but at least I'm going to meet my grandchildren, and won't be senile" or "at least I have enough energy and drive to play with my kids" or something similar (I'm not good at one liners) I am assuming you don't really feel that way about people choosing to have children later, but if people are going to be rude to you, I say be rude right back.

jollyjoanne · 30/09/2008 11:20

People age / mature differently and it is very easy to make judgements based on your own circumstances - personally I wouldn't cope with a large family now (27) but my SIL is 6 years younger and already has a family of children and she copes fine and wouldn't change her lifestyle for mine any day. Its definiely a person to person thing. But I would try my hardest not to judge others.

mumoverseas · 30/09/2008 11:22

ignore them, none of their business! I'm pregnant with number 4 and am 40. Am I too old? Its my DH's 2nd child and when we went and told his parents last month (we thought they'd be over the moon as he has always wanted kids and had our DD who is 2 when he was 40) they said 'what did you want to go and do that for?' Nice comment from them! DH has not spoken to them since. Be happy and ignore stupid comments made by stupid people and enjoy your pregnancy.

BlingLovin · 30/09/2008 11:26

A friend of mine's MIL told her son not to marry my friend in case she was too old to have children! She 31!!

notsoteenagemum · 30/09/2008 11:27

I feel quite gutted tbh no one ever says I look too young to have children, I was 18 when I got pg with dd and 23 with ds

nelliec · 30/09/2008 11:27

yanbu, don't know why people think they have right to comment on personal circumstances (real or imagined) when pregnant. As for the "long as I'm not paying for it" brigade, that's fine as long as I or my kids don't have to fund you getting washed and dressed in old age (not on nhs that)