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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be totally mortified at DD's reaction to a present?

51 replies

shootfromthehip · 29/09/2008 14:19

Yesterday my Mum gave my DD (4.5) a witches' outfit for Halloween (God these things start earlier and earlier every year). It was as you would expect with a touch of glitter on it (v. important to my DD). As my Mum gave it to her upstairs I only heard the tale end of the conversation as they came down but my DD was saying 'but i've got lots of nice dressing up stuff' to which my Mother replied 'well you can have this too' in a rather put out voice.

Mortified at DD's rudeness I rushed over and made a big fuss of the outfit and apologised to my Mum. I then told DD to model the outfit to make my Mum a bit happier. She refused.

I could not believe it when she then turned round and started throwing a massive strop. I again apologised to my Mum and 'naughty stepped' DD. After explaining to DD about accepting presents graciously, I explained to my Mum that I was mortified and didn't know where I was going wrong. Mum then told me it was because DD 'gets too much'- not true as we are on a budget but DH does occasionally bring home tat from charity shops for her(not because it's second hand just that it's often junk!).

I then turned round to see DH cuddling a rather smug looking DD. When I discussed it with him- after telling him off for undermining me- he felt that I had been to hard on her.

So I have one person telling me that I am not being hard enough on her and one telling me the opposite. Personally I don't think I was too hard as I thought she was appallingly bad mannered (which I hate) but technically she didn't say she didn't like it/ just that she didn't want to wear it.
AIBU?

OP posts:

falcon · 29/09/2008 14:20

YANBU. I don't think you were too hard on her, it's essential to display good manners when one is presented with a gift, even if you are 4.

belgo · 29/09/2008 14:21

YANBU. Sometimes children are rude, however well we bring them up, and your mother was wrong to blame you. You did everything right IMO in terms of dealing with the situation.

stealthsquiggle · 29/09/2008 14:21

Regardless of rights and wrongs of gracious acceptance vs. honest opinions, your DH is BU for undermining you. If he thinks you were too hard on her he should take it up with you later, not just take DD off naughty step when you have put her there.

falcon · 29/09/2008 14:22

And your dh certainly was being unreasonable.

Lucifera · 29/09/2008 14:23

how awful for you and sad for your mum, I think. IMO it's important to get children to accept all gifts politely and graciously (as you said), and I think your DH was out of order in comforting your DD - you weren't too hard on her.

morningpaper · 29/09/2008 14:24

YANBU but your mother is probably expecting a bit much for her to be excited about a witches outfit a month before Hallowe'en - she could have waited until a little nearer the time when she was more in the mood?

notnowbernard · 29/09/2008 14:27

My 4.9 yr old dd can be a bit like this

My Mum or MIL would not have batted an eyelid, tbh (though I would have said something about manners/being grateful etc)

She got given Manic Martians game last year by someone. On opening it, announced "I don't really like it, it's for boys"

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 29/09/2008 14:27

Unfortuately DH is much softer with DD than I am and I think that is half of my Mother's problem which provoked her response. My M & D were very with us- almost Victorian and she thinks we are not strict enough. The problem is that very often I am strict and DH isn't which creates a situation where DD thinks she can say things to other adults that she can say to her dad. I obviously disagree. She did come back to me last night and apologise again which shows that she was thinking about it but DH has a way of making me feel like an ogre and that I am too mean so thought I'd check.

OP posts:

dittany · 29/09/2008 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime · 29/09/2008 14:29

YANBU You were right to stick to your guns. I would have done the same, however I would have been annoyed if dh had undermined me.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 29/09/2008 14:44

to be honest I was a bit concerned about DD's reaction before she got the outfit as she is very pink and frilly child and I wonderered if she wouldn't like it because it was black. This said, I did think that she would be polite about it at the time and maybe tell me later.

Why is it they are always wee shit's infront of the people you want to impress the most?

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 29/09/2008 14:55

My DS's classic on accepting presents gracefully:

"Thank you very much, it's just what I wanted"

"What is it?"

branflake81 · 29/09/2008 14:55

This post reminds me of this day my mum came home and had bought me a witches hat for Halloween. I tore it up and cried because I didn't like it, I must have been about 5 or 6.

I feel HORRIBLE about that now. Every Halloween since I have apologised to my mum about it (and I'm 27 now!).

Sorry, not very helpful but just to say I don't think it's anything you're doing wrong, I think your daughter still has to learn how to accept presents, it's a social skill she just hasn't grasped yet.

VictorianSqualor · 29/09/2008 15:13

I don't think YABU to be a bit annoyed that DH didn't back you up. IMO, parents should always back each other up unless it is really terrible behaviour being exhibited then it should be questioned to show the child it isn't right.

But I think you're expecting a bit much from DD, and just antagonised the situation by asking her to get dressed up in it.

She is a 4yr old girl, who likes pink, it's nowhere near Halloween, why would she want a witches outfit? (that's what she would have been thinking anyway, regardless of your mother trying to be nice and prepared).

ethanchristopher · 29/09/2008 15:22

farking heck. my 5 yr old dd is OBSESSED with animals and she got brought fairy princess dress up by one of her friends.

we didnt open the presents till she was at home with her friends not there THANK GOD. cause she opened it and went " oh, dontcha know i like animals?"

i was like

she's not that spoilt and knows the value of things but sometimes they just come out with stuff like this

dont beat yourself up but keep telling her about being gracious and accepting gifts yanbu

more · 29/09/2008 15:24

I am with VictorianSqualor on this one. I think your husband should have kept quiet if he did not want to back you up, maybe taken you aside in the kitchen and voiced his concerns.

I do think you reacted way over the top with trying to force your daughter to wear the outfit. She might not feel like wearing that kind of outfit just now, but she might want to wear at a later date and find that it is great. I think you trying to force her to wear it is only going to make her associate it with something unpleasant.

I would have pointed out to her that even if you don't like the present, you have to say thank you very much, because the giver has bought this to make you happy.

If you open your mum's present at x-mas and it is a dress in the colours pink and green glitter knit, are you seriously telling me that you will be jumping up and down the sofa and trying it on?

I am all for teaching children good manners, but not forcing them to wear or immediately play with a present somebody has just given them.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 29/09/2008 15:32

I would expect my children to say 'thank you' when given a gift, but no more. I certainly would not try to get them to pretend to like a gift that they clearly didn't. We vest alot of time and energy in encoraging our children not to be honest and not to lie and tbh from a childs point of view I can't really see the difference.

helenhismadwife · 29/09/2008 15:48

I dont think your dd was being rude she was just being honest, Im not quite sure why your mum was put out I feel it was something that could have been left with a comment like 'maybe you can try it on later and I can see how nice you look'.

It is difficult with parents and situations like this because I know I am different from my mum. It was a bit off your dh undermining you that would have really annoyed me.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 29/09/2008 15:55

Some interesting things to think about there folks- many thanks. Didn't occur to me that I may have made the situation worse by getting her to try it on- was too busy thinking about how to get her to make it up to my Mum. Also didn't think of the lying element of it. Will need to think about that one.

OP posts:

dittany · 29/09/2008 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

more · 29/09/2008 16:11

Is there not a touch of double standards here though, if your mother thinks that your daughter is spoiled why go buy her another dress-up outfit for no reason other than .....wanting to spoil her?

falcon · 29/09/2008 16:11

I don't see the harm in white lies and imo the only acceptable response ever to a gift you've received is ''How lovely'' said with a smile.
Exceptions being made if you receive a sex toy from your FIL or a voodoo doll with your name on it from anyone.

more · 29/09/2008 16:25

rofl Falcon.

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 29/09/2008 16:29

Good point more- Mum hijacks all the big events so I can't buy things first (I could have afforded a £8 costume from Asda and she knows that!). She thinks it's ok for a Grandparent to spoil their gk's but not for the parents. Hadn't seen the double standard there either. God I'm thick at the moment

OP posts:

Original poster

shootfromthehip · 29/09/2008 21:22

Any thoughts from the evening MNers? Good evening folks.

OP posts:

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