to be totally mortified at DD's reaction to a present?

[shootfromthehip]

Yesterday my Mum gave my DD (4.5) a witches' outfit for Halloween (God these things start earlier and earlier every year). It was as you would expect with a touch of glitter on it (v. important to my DD). As my Mum gave it to her upstairs I only heard the tale end of the conversation as they came down but my DD was saying 'but i've got lots of nice dressing up stuff' to which my Mother replied 'well you can have this too' in a rather put out voice.

Mortified at DD's rudeness I rushed over and made a big fuss of the outfit and apologised to my Mum. I then told DD to model the outfit to make my Mum a bit happier. She refused.

I could not believe it when she then turned round and started throwing a massive strop. I again apologised to my Mum and 'naughty stepped' DD. After explaining to DD about accepting presents graciously, I explained to my Mum that I was mortified and didn't know where I was going wrong. Mum then told me it was because DD 'gets too much'- not true as we are on a budget but DH does occasionally bring home tat from charity shops for her(not because it's second hand just that it's often junk!).

I then turned round to see DH cuddling a rather smug looking DD. When I discussed it with him- after telling him off for undermining me- he felt that I had been to hard on her.

So I have one person telling me that I am not being hard enough on her and one telling me the opposite. Personally I don't think I was too hard as I thought she was appallingly bad mannered (which I hate) but technically she didn't say she didn't like it/ just that she didn't want to wear it.
AIBU?

Message withdrawn

this rings quite a few bells with our families as well

my mil is v strict and demands high standards of behaviour. she is also (imo) very childish because she can't 'be the adult'. dh spends half his time running round after her trying to please her and get the kids to behave in the way he had to behave when he was young. it's a nightmare over food and also presents. so I can see us having the same kind of problems.

so
it sounds to me like you were over reacting because you wanted to please your mum and stop her being cross when it might have been better to have had a quiet word with dd about present etiquette and also not let your mum lecture you about the way you discipline or bring up your children. I am guessing your dh feels the same way I feel when I see dh do this so that's why he is taking your dd's side. he shouldn't do that either of course.

is your mum quite domineering? it's just it sounds like you worry a lot about what she thinks of the way you are bringing up your child. perhaps worrying too much.

Am definately overly concerned about Mum's opinion of my kids behaviour. Think it is because both parents were teachers and super discipline conscious and they have never held back on their opinions of my parenting. Added to this I am also a teacher and one of my pet hates is bad-mannered kids.

DH is the complete opposite and thinks that kids should pretty much be left to get on with it. I have a vocal, stroppy, stubborn and thoroughly charming little girl who also thinks she should be able to do what she likes. Tough one.

SHoot, while it's good to work on teaching your DD graciousness and diplomatic fibbing especially WRT presents, she is only 4! She's not going to be a model of correct etiquette yet and it would be very worrying if she was (she would have learned, not good manners but that you have to appease and placate grown ups no matter how much you don't want to. Not healthy.). Your mum needs to get over herself.

lol - I can spot a kindred spirit a mile off. we're all teachers too (me and dh and also mil and various other family members). tbh I think in our case at least it makes us too strict with our kids. I've noticed other parents aren't as fussed about some stuff. that's not to say manners are not important. you know what? I agree your dd needs to learn manners etc but I'd focus more on getting your mum to chill a bit and don't bother asking her opinion so much. it'll make you more relaxed as a parent if you don't feel someone is watching and judging.

I really agree with whoever it was that said that as parents we encourage our kids to tell the truth all the time, yet also have the (high) expectations that they will behave with gratitude and good grace at all times!

At 4yrs old, you say what you see

Agree with Solidgoldbrass

My mum is visiting from Canada - she sees my kids every few years...

She gave my neary 9 year old boy Winnie the Pooh rulers..... He just smiled and said "thanks"

not really relevant to OP, just an "inappropriate present" story

She also brought over underwear with "THe Hulk" emblazoned accross the bum.. I think he secretly loves them, but wil never, EVER wear them on PE day

Bloody hell. Naughty step for a 4.5 year old being honest? You disciplined your dd for showing an honest and bewildered reaction to an out of place gift? Wouldnt it be more diplomatic to say something like "Yes, honey, I know it is long way till Halloween, I bet you will LOVE it at Halloween and really enjoy showing it off to grandma then"

By ethanchristopher on Mon 29-Sep-08 15:22:06
farking heck. my 5 yr old dd is OBSESSED with animals and she got brought fairy princess dress up by one of her friends.

erm, EC, I thought you were still at school and just had a little boy???? am I missing something?>??

You are being to hard on DD. Explain to her that when someone gives her a present, even if she doesn't like it she should just say "Thank you". That's all she needs to know at 4.5. Yes manners are important but to her it was simple: she already has lots of dressing up outfits.

Also at 4.5 - are you sure she really understands what Halloween is about ie dressing up, witches etc? To DD she has just been given an extra outfit that is black, for no good reason - she may have been puzzled. Also it is not even October yet so how can she get all excited about an event a month away that she will barely remember from the previous year, and unlikely anything from the year before that?

Your mum sounds a little controlling TBH - shouldn't she check with you (or at least tell you in advance) if she is getting DD's dressing up outfit for Halloween?

I'm not surprised DD didn't want to model outfit there and then either!

Good manners are essential but she is still learning! She was not being wilful/deliberately rude and your mum should have understood the difference.

Sadly I presumed that the sheer force of my personality would produce a well mannered, socially aware and well adjusted child. By the age of 4. Naive or what!

I also live in the shadow of myself: My Mum- 'You were doing that by... an age/ would never have done that' etc etc etc. I thin kI will have to spend some time doing some guilt free thinking about my expectations but I do have high standards of behaviour and social etiquette. FFS tell me it gets easier

They are sooo candid at this age...ds is the same...mortifying!
However his little friends also are the same - 'but I've already got one' was what one of them said upon opening our present at his party!

DD1 on opening huge ELC Fairy Wonderland thing last Christmas (from MIL - about £50):

Rips open paper. Looks at box for 5secs. Says to MIL "Have you got me anything else, Grandma?"

I have a dd of a similar age and I find that she can be rather blunt. I guess at that age they haven't learned yet not to say everything they think! I usually explain to her that some things hurt the feelings of others. But YANBU.

Also, my mum was obsessed with manners when I was little but to the extent that I got very subdued. She definately went over the top, and was zealous and almost aggressive in her approach which made me nervous of "getting it wrong" all the time.

She NOW says she was sorry, that a decent level of manners should have been fine and that she went over the top because she felt SHE was being judged by the quality of my manners and could not risk the slightest slip-up.

The funny thing is, even as a child I knew she was going too far because so many people/family/friends commented on it and were uncomfortable by her over-the-top approach.

For example: "Oh don't tell her (ie me) off if she doesn't want a biscuit Sue, she said no thank you nicely". My mum would be hissing, "HAVE A BISCUIT WHEN IT'S OFFERED TO YOU, ITS BAD MANNERS NOT TO!!!". The point being she lost sight of what was "reasonable" behaviour in the end and it didn't do us any good (not saying you would but the thing is - a "reasonable" standard of manners is fine. Don't knock the stuffing out of your DD in going for freakishly gold-standard behaviour all the time).

Wow- wasn't expecting that. I thought that when she got the outfit on she would see the big fuss that everyone made of her (which the egotistical little monkey usually loves) and that would make her feel better about it. I thought that Mum would be pleased to see that she did like it after all- everyone's a winner. Neither my Mum or myself was aiming to upset her and I stand by my standards as if I wasn't planting these seed now then it would be virtually impossible to get her to be well mannered at a later date. Sadly I think that occasionally kids need to learn that their behaviour can have a negative impact on those around them and they have to be considerate of the feelings of those around them, particularly someone who just bought her a present.

Also- no-one, not even me will knock the stuffing out of my DD- she is a reasonably well mannered force of nature!!

SHoot, yes, kids should be learning that, but learning is an ongoing process, and 4 is TOO YOUNG to have perfected it. So a little reprimand is enough: making a big Punishment Issue out of it is OTT.

This threads reminded me of an incident that happenend last week. My mum bought ds1 a pack of long sleeved tops. Very nice imo but no "Thomas" no bob the builder or diggers etc etc! DS1 aged 3 said I don't like it put it in the rubish bin! . I was so embarrassed apologised and told ds1 off! My mum just said thats kids for you!

Maybe she does not really understand the concept of Halloween? It was a year ago, and then she was assumably just 3? How will a 3 year old know that Halloween is a yearly occurance?

It is still a way to go before Halloween. Maybe she thinks it is scary. Maybe she does not really appreciate getting a scary outfit, when there are nice fairy and princess outfits in the shops.

Making this into a big thing, and an event punished by naughty step is way OTT, and more harmful than a "honey, say thank you for the present, that is nice manners".

Sorry - manners an "ishoo" with me, clearly

It just bugs me when good enough was never, er, good enough.

Totally agree to set the standards early. You do completely right and I'm not suggesting otherwise. I just feel that my mum was too hard on me and it did knock the stuffing out of me for a few years (I was a feisty little thing then went very introverted for a good number of years because of Mum's well-intentioned heavy handedness).