To want to see which porn sites dh has been looking at?

[coxiegirl]

I know this is not a new topic for discussion on here, just wanted a bit of advice really please..
This morning I found a load of porn sites dh has been viewing - I'm not anti porn, but am p'd off that I'd asked him in the past if he used the pc for porn, and he adamantly denied it, said it was of no interest to him. Something he said/did last night made me wonder, so I was stupid/rude/inquisitive/whatever this morning and checked the history - loads there.
He's since deleted the history -I'm computer illiterate, but wondered if I can see the history in the recycling bin? Does anyone know how I could do this please?
I don't really know why I want to know, I'm just curious about what he hides from me - it won't help me feel any better, I know, I just feel so inadequate - I've put on loads of weight with having 2 under 2 and bf, and I feel really self conscious.
Tbh, I wouldn't mind if he'd been honest about it - it's just the latest thing in a history of "I didn't tell you about x/y/z because I knew you'd be upset.... I'm sorry, I love you, it doesn't mean anything, it won't happen again."
I don't feel I can trust him - I ask straightdforward questions - "did you have sex with her/do you look at porn/did you have an affair with her?" - answers always no, then turns out that he did. He's angry with me because I don't trust him, but I just don't any more.
I know I'm not at my best - getting older, post 2 babies close together, tired and irritable and feeling lonely and miserable -but I feel really let down, over something stupid - I don't really have a problem with porn, it's the secrecy and lying I don't like.
Any suggestions please? Sorry to be a tw*t about it.

need a discussion - tell him its not about the porn perse - its about the lying.

then i would get a net nanny - use children as an excuse.

YANBU, especially if he has a past history of cheating and you feel this is the same lies.

As Custy said, get netnanny or similar.

Thanks, I've never heard of net nanny, I'll look into it. My eldest is nearly 7 and does use the pc a lot, so it's probably best to get something, especially if there's stuff on here like that - I only found it by mistake last night, trying to help him find a site he'd been looking at and lost. His reaction made me suspicious.
Thanks for replying so quick.

If you want to know if there is a way to retrieve the history try posting in geeky stuff. I'm sure someone will know.

Custard, I'm tired of that discussion - it always ends up "sorry, didn't mean to, forgive me, won't do it again". I explicitly told him several times when we've talked that sexual images of other women make me feel inadequate - my problem I know, I need to fix it.
I just thought he might have been a bit more considerate.
I feel that he will do whatever he wants, and it's only a problem if I find out, and then it's the same pat response.
In most areas he's fine, very helpful around house, loves the kids, says he loves me... It's just where sex is concerned he'll do what he likes and doesn't think I should over react about it, even though I've told him time and time again how it makes me feel.
He's always sorry when I find out, just not sorry enough to not do it in the first place .
AIBU do you think?

NotDoingTheHousework, I think you are right, it's probably best if I don't - I am quite jealous at the moment - we went out for dinner a while ago, and I was mad with him for looking a woman in a short skirt up and down/staring right in front of me - she walked right past our table, his mouth was hanging open. I just think it's rude/ bad manners really.
I know my low self esteem makes it worse, I just don't see why I should be wholly responsible for problems like this. I'm a bit of a f*uck up I think at the moment.
It's hard to be detatched and reasonable about it.

The lying about the other woman is a bit complicated - he had an affair with her before I met him, but when we got together/ moved in together he had sexy photos of her, a photo in his wallet, called me by her name when we were having sex once - when I asked him if he'd had an affair/relationship with her, he denied it. She rang him once when I was there - she's now been going out with/living with dh's brother for a couple of years, so I don't find it easy to just forget about her.
Anyway, bit by bit it came out, and each time he would say no, it wasn't like that, then gradually more information came out (eg his mum and daughter told me things) which made it blatantly obvious he was lying...
It's complicated, it all happened in little bits and bobs, but basically he's always lied about it, then something else has come to light so he's had to admit it, and I've said "please tell me the whole truth, did this happen, did that happen" always "no, no, no, nothing like that" - then something else comes to light, making it obvious that he was still lying about it...
I'm drivelling on a bit, it's hard to explain, sorry.
Basically, I know he saw her when we were first going out with each other - I asked him if he had sex with her then, he says he didn't - but everything else has been a lie and come out eventually, my guess is that they did have sex - I'll never know. I'm not that keen on asking her really!
He's been married before and had lots of affairs in his last marriage - I knew about that. I thought it was different for us - ha ha ha, how many times has someone written that on here I wonder?!
I'm feeling bloody sorry for myself, sorry good mners.

Trying to sum up - no, he (probably) didn't have an affair while we've been together, certainly not recently, but may well have had a shag with this stupid cow and thought he'd get away with it because I was miles away and not to know.
I can understand why he feels I'm being unreasonable about it - but the way he lies makes me not believe him. I think if he could have a shag with someone else and thought I'd never find out, he would do it. He thinks this is normal male behaviour, oggling included.
The irony is, when we first got together I said to him - I don't mind what you do, I just want you to be honest about it. I don't think I'm a prude - he doesn't either - I'm not in fact! I just want him to be honest with me.

I know we should talk about it, sorry Custard I wasn't being dismissive of your suggestion, I know it's the right thing to do.
I just can't imagine that he'll say anything new - "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I'll never do it again".
So why do we keep having the same discussion?
I almost can't be bothered to talk about it with him again (the lying that is) - there's never anything new - I don't even know what I want him to say to me.
I'm fed up with it all.
Probably just because I'm so damn knackered!!!! [shouting emoticon]!

Notr, thank you for being so honest. I think you're absolutely right, that's exactly what I was starting to think.
Shit, this time I really thought I'd got it right too.
This would not be the first time I've issued an ultimatum.
Oh bollocks!

Not, sorry, not Notr.
Sorry it was like that for you too - it's a bit shit really. I hope life is better for you now.

Sh*t, your name's not Val is it Not?!! That'd be ironic, if you'd been married to dh too!!
(Note to self, must check mn before getting married next time...)

Thanks Not, so glad things have worked out well for you (((hugs)))
Dh has come back from work, but has nothing new to say.
I can't help wondering what's the next thing going to be...
Ta for the advice - talking to him makes me feel like I'm going mad. It's so nice to get a bit of support, thank you.
Might spit in his tea later if I get chance - petty revenge is mine!!

Right I am in a minority here but will say it anyway

So he had a relationship before that he kept quiet about, I'm guessing you have always been the jealous type and he was just trying to stop your questions. I think I would too, I have kept my past relationships quiet with some bf's, just because I knew they couldn't handle it, not in a malicious way

Ogling someone else, I don't see a problem. I have my head turned by beautiful men and women all the time. IT's only looking and half the time you don't realise you are doing it. The problem is YOU feel unattractive, not that he thinks you are

The same with the porn, you only have a hunch he may have been looking. Fair enough you don't like it and he should respect that but I think you need to not see it as a competition. It isn't, he isn't comparing you to anyone. Sounds like he is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't

you need to look at your insecurities ad work on them

I completely agree scaredoflove, I do need to work on my insecurities.

But I did think that dh might help me to do that by being supportive, not by lying to me.

Early on in our reln, I was confident and not jealous of him - I had plenty of options myself at that time too, I just wanted our reln to be an honest one - it was ok to see/f*ck other people, but we should not hide it from each other.

He tells me that he hides hings from me because he doesn't want to upset me. I tell him I'd rather know the truth. So why persistently lie to me, that's my issue with him.

I am low and miserable now with pnd, moved to be with him and don't have many friends round here. I don't blame him for this. I just thought he might be a bit more supportive over the issues I've expressly told him cause me problems.

I feel unattractive, I go out for dinner with him, he can't keep his eyes on me for a whole meal. That's how I feel about it, rightly or (more probably) wrongly - when I tell him that's how I feel and that's how it affects me, then why do it anyway? That's what I don't understand.

absolutely he needs to support you, I agree wholeheartedly

but hand on heart, if he was brutally honest, would that be acceptable? or would you then go off on one anyway? Does he lie about other things in your realtionship or just things that can cause you to feel jealous? He prob does think he is protecting you

I couldn't keep my eyes on person over a whole meal, I am always nosing around, looking at people. I'm not looking around for next best thing, just wanting to see what is going on. I think you are being a lot unreasonable.

What are you doing for your pnd? speak to your health prof and see if there is counselling you can attend to help you through these thoughts, maybe even couples therapy later on, when you are ina better place and more rational and can discuss things more clearly with him

Ok, I'm not easy to live with at the moment, I quite agree.

I wouldn't, hand on heart, have a problem with porn if it was something we did together. Pre most recent baby, we often used adult books together, no problems, and when I was single I often looked at it myself. (I've been too knackered the last pregnancy and since, I'm unhappy and don't have much sex drive.)

What I've said in the past when we've discussed it is that I wouldn't feel happy looking at other women with him, because I would feel that he was aroused by them not me, and I would feel inadequate. My problem, completely, not his.

What he has said when we had these (what I thought were) frank open discussions, was that he hasn't ever used the internet to look at porn, because it doesn't do it for him. He said this all along through our relationship. Since way before we ever talked more openly.

Now he tells me that he's always looked at porn on the internet, totally admits he lied to me, doesn't know why. He says it doesn't give him a kick, or arouse him.... can give me no reason why he does it (even now, confronted with plain as day evidence - not that it's a crime, I mean the facts that's all - still not being honest about it).

This happens every time something crops up where he's told me one thing, then it becomes blatantly obvious it's not the case. He swings from being sorry one minute he upset me, then he wasn't doing anything anyway, denies whatever he admitted a minute ago, then claims there's nothing wrong in what he's doing, then says he can't believe he did it....etc etc

Always the same, every time.

Just because I'm difficult and insecure (now, it was not a problem for us until it first became very clear he'd lied about his sis-in-law, and he agrees about this) - does that mean it's ok to lie to me? What's the next lie, that's my question?

He doesn't mean to hurt me, I know he loves me and doesn't want anyone else (to be married to).... but why be a lying bastard then? I just feel he will do whatever he wants to so long as he doesn't think I'll find out - not maliciously, I believe he genuinely doesn't want to hurt me -I think he believes his own lies.

For me, there's a difference looking around being nosy, maybe talking together about so and so over there with her lovely legs, or nice skirt, or maybe sarcy comment,whatever, and looking someone up and down, then going back for another look.

I am fussy I know, it's just me.

Aside from the fact that I think it's bad manners, this man does know I feel insecure at the moment!

I'm sure it is damned if you do too, I do acknowledge that. But I'm not taking responsibility for all the lies. Scared, we've often talked about how hard I find it when he lies to me, and he still does it. He admits that himself!