To want to see which porn sites dh has been looking at?

[coxiegirl]

I know this is not a new topic for discussion on here, just wanted a bit of advice really please..
This morning I found a load of porn sites dh has been viewing - I'm not anti porn, but am p'd off that I'd asked him in the past if he used the pc for porn, and he adamantly denied it, said it was of no interest to him. Something he said/did last night made me wonder, so I was stupid/rude/inquisitive/whatever this morning and checked the history - loads there.
He's since deleted the history -I'm computer illiterate, but wondered if I can see the history in the recycling bin? Does anyone know how I could do this please?
I don't really know why I want to know, I'm just curious about what he hides from me - it won't help me feel any better, I know, I just feel so inadequate - I've put on loads of weight with having 2 under 2 and bf, and I feel really self conscious.
Tbh, I wouldn't mind if he'd been honest about it - it's just the latest thing in a history of "I didn't tell you about x/y/z because I knew you'd be upset.... I'm sorry, I love you, it doesn't mean anything, it won't happen again."
I don't feel I can trust him - I ask straightdforward questions - "did you have sex with her/do you look at porn/did you have an affair with her?" - answers always no, then turns out that he did. He's angry with me because I don't trust him, but I just don't any more.
I know I'm not at my best - getting older, post 2 babies close together, tired and irritable and feeling lonely and miserable -but I feel really let down, over something stupid - I don't really have a problem with porn, it's the secrecy and lying I don't like.
Any suggestions please? Sorry to be a tw*t about it.

Dh tells me one thing, then a while later he contradicts himself, and when I ask him about it he accuses me of trying to twist things, put words in his mouth - or "I haven't got a photographic memory like you" or "that's not what I said! etc etc.
I reckon if you're telling the truth, you don't need to have a brilliant memory, because the story is always the same, ie the truth!

Well, we have talked about it again, and agreed that he will continue wanking with images of other women approx once or twice a week while I'm out with the kids. That's his "thing".
I know I ABUR about the porn, lots of people use it. I guess he is unlucky to have a wife with low self esteem who feels inadequate that he'd rather do that than have sex with me.
When I feel a bit better, I'm going to try to work out what my "thing" once or twice a week will be, because at the moment it's fuck bloody all!
I know I'm being UR now, I'm knackered and pissed off. Thanks for letting me let off steam, it really helps to feel like I'm not too mad at least!

Thank you, sound advice, I'm going to do just that.

Having slept on it, dh actually admits he is a selfish bastard, wants to do whatever he likes and lies to me for an easy life. He doesn't see a problem with this unless I find him out, even when I've told him how it makes me feel.
As far as he's concerned, he thinks I am NOT BU, so that's a surprise!

He does at least have the decency to say that, as my friend, he would advise me to leave him; he says he thinks I deserve better than this.

I bloody know I do!!

Thanks for the advice, it's really helped to clarify how I feel and how things are. I feel slightly less confused and mad (slightly!)

"I know I ABUR about the porn, lots of people use it."

But Coxiegirl, I don't think YBU about the porn At All. And I don't think it's a question of your self-esteem, necessarily.

Lots of women with high self-esteem would not be happy with partners who use pornography, for various reasons which don't relate to 'jealousy' and which I'm sure you're aware of from the many other threads on this subject.

And likewise, lots of men don't use it, you know.

Sorry you're having a crap time.

Ta onebat, ta. Much appreciated.

I think the porn really is just a symptom of the more fundamental problems we are having really - it's the lies, and the selfishness and the disregard of my feelings that make it such a problem.

I think he genuinely means to be nice/thinks he's being nice/is nice and lovely in lots of ways, but if he wants to do something he'll do it and have no cares about anyone else, not even his wife who he professes to love. No doubt he sees the problems we're having differently (cynical me thinks "Shit, got found out again. When is she going to shut up?")

That's interesting thought about porn, I'll check out the other threads.

Oh dear, the children seem to be going free range while I'm on here - probably doing them good, I'll say I'm trying out non-interventionist approach

Blimey, it is a well rehearsed subject!

ohhhhh yes..