to think my friend's husband shouldn't tell me I'm clearing the table when I'm visiting?

[indiechick]

Stayed Sat/Sun with friends, had a lovely roast dinner on Sun and at the end of the meal, friend's husband says: Well I'll sort out pudding, then you (wife) and indiechick can clear away.
I'm really annoyed, I would have helped anyway, I'm not the type of guest who doesn't, but how rude. I wouldn't mind but I got up with all the kids, theirs and ours, gave them all breakfast, played with them for about two hours 'til parents woke up, spent both days wiping bottoms and noses of all children, looked after all of them in garden whilst friend and hubby cooked and emptied a rather full dustbin in the kitchen when no-one else seemed to be doing so. I wouldn't mind but he doesn't lift a finger when they come to visit.

er, c&p from OP

friend's husband says: Well I'll sort out pudding

well
not
we'll

Really, don't let it bother you. Bigger things and all that. Maybe he just wanted you to feel included.

I'm not that upset by it, just think it was out of order. How much would you consider appropriate for a guest to do though in one weekend, I felt like I never stopped to be honest.

Thanks fabio, will read properly from now on

i agree it's not on.

a good guest will always volunteer to help, and can be turned down by the host should they so desire.

I may say something like this to friends that we knew really well, where we have an all muck in and no formality attitude.

If not so close friends I may be more formal in my role as host.

Odd to be so bothered about this you'd post about it though. You must have a a really wonderful life for this to upset you.

Come on, people. What is Mumsnet Talk for but to vent about things? Even relatively trivial things.

OP was, rightly imo, narked at friend's husband's assumption that she would assist. It is polite for a guest to offer to help but rude for a host to take such help so much for granted. Especially with the sexist overtone.

i wouldn't have a guest in my house if i didn't feel i could ask them to pitch in, tbh. it's all part and parcel of the Chez Aitch experience... hate formality and all that bollocks.

yeah, but aitch, you shouldn't have to ask a good guest to pitch in! at least not in a Texan world .

a guest shoud come in, bring a gift and volunteer whatever services are needed to getting the good times rolling - uncorking and pouring wine, setting table, stirring, chopping, carving, etc.

or, even, beforehand, volunteer for the starter, the sides, the meat, the dessert, the drinks, etc.

it's the way it's done.

oh you have to ask me, i'm an idiot. i'd make it perfectly clear on entering that i am more than willing but need instruction.

so when ARE we coming down to yours, anyway?

the Texan experience:

'we're having a BBQ/dinner party/gathering tomorrow, we'd love it if you were free to come along.'

'sounds great! what's for me to bring? (this implies food, the gift is de rigeur and additional) or should i bring (insert).'

you show up, present the gift, roll up your sleeves and make a beeline for the kitchen, asking, 'right, what needs done?'

it's for the host to decide (although i really hate handling cheese or carving meat).

i suppose, though, if a person hasn't volunteered, then the host would ask.

but IME it's easier to volunteer because then sometimes you can get in there with your preferred chore rather than handling cheese (which is vile) or carving meat (because it's easier to rip it up with your hands ).

well, aitch, anytime! i have been harping on you now for ages! we do a mean chicken and the place is so spacious, screeching little girls are no impediment to conversation, although why do they always want to come in the living room and bug the adults when they have a whole playroom in the back bedroom complete with CBeebies?

did he make pudding from scratch, including custard made with vanilla pods?

if so, that's fine, and he's well within his rights to dictate terms re the thorny issue of table clearing.

if not, he's a sexist wanker bastard, and should be castrated.

twice.

It would bug me, tbh - but then I also wouldn't lie in and expect guests to look after dd - if they insisted, that's another matter, but it doesn't sound like they did. Rephrasing would have been fine "how about i do pudding, and someone else clear up", or "would you mind clearing up". I don't mind being asked - I do mind being told.

What does the second castration involve, hc?

I tell you after the watershed, habbs.

I think it is rude to actually ask your guests to pitch in (although having said that, I have asked my brothers to help with washing up at Xmas because they'd have just sat and watched DH and I do that as well as cook the lunch ) but I think that maybe you should play him at his own game next time they are at yours and allocate him a job. If he complains then remind him of this occasion!

Yeah, I wouldn't lie in and expect my guests to look after the weans, that is true. Even my own mother and father. Who will tell us they will look after the girls and for us to have a rest, and therefore give me a chance to get in a dig about how the elderly don't need as much sleep .

But a pud's a pud. Unless it involves cheese, which is rank.

Or if the main course is liver and onions or something really boaky to eat.

If it bothers you that he doesn't volunteer to help when he visits, then give him a taste of his own medicine next time he's there .

really, rude to ask your guests to pitch in? god, you english are so uptight... these people are presumably your friends, aren't they?

expat. texan way sounds very scottish imo. i remember saying to a baby group girl who was inviting a gang of us round (with teeny babies) 'great, what do we bring? i can make x, y, z.'

her response? 'oh no i couldn't possibly ask people to my house and then get them to bring their own lunch'.

the result? she was stressed out of her box, the rest of us sat about in some tension asking what we could do to help and no-one offered to do lunch again. it's my firm belief that if she'd agreed to a 'bring a course' affair then we'd have made it a regular round robin arrangement.

Harrumph. I think indiechick was "told", rather than asked, which is what would rattle me. I do ask anyone to hand to help, but I would never "tell" them. That's rude

hot hot hot. too hot for you leely-leevered eeeengleeeesh.

they said no to her bringing something, aitch?! oh, no, that is not the Texas way. for one, there's no such thing as too much beer.

i wondered about that moving over here, because all the events round here are potluck, which i'm very used to. you sign up for something to bring and then bring even more .

now sometimes menfolk will try to pull stunts like disappearing to watch TV after the meal, BUT where i am from they are usually in charge of cooking and carving the main course and doling it out round the table, so they get let off easy sometimes.

they are also in charge of beer and booze, assuring an adequate supply and fetching drinks and making sure it all stays cold.

important jobs!

Gosh I always talk like that to guests, ESPECIALLY after a Sunday Roast, which takes forever to cook

quite normal IMO