Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect to not be picked apart at a dinner we were invited to???

51 replies

BBeingpatient · 27/09/2008 12:13

ok so i dont think i am but always best to get more perspectives...

last night DP and I went for dinner at our friends, To give background, DP was best man at there wedding, we are god parents to there child....anyway we get there and female friend(FF) in terrible mood, ignores us really awkward, however shes moody anyway, it passes we sit down to dinner. FF ask how my new job is going stating hers is rubbish as she hasnt "enogh prospects" i dont want to brag and say yeah i love it leave it at that. She then asks Whether DP and i still plan to have a baby soon...

I say yes, will be TTC in jan-ish...there begins the rant- i here after get told that:
-if we arent married we shouldt have children
-that our relationship probably isnt strong enough for us to have kids, and thats why weve chosen not to marry
-that our area is too rough to bring up children and our garden to small
-that we are irresponsible to have kids cos we have cats?!

understandably at this point but FF's husband is DPs close friend so bite tongue but wound up whole way home as:

  • cost us a fortune to get there and back
-we took an offering (as you do) -i have a house they have a flat so dont even have a garden?!?! -DP and i have been together longer than they have known each other -to me marriage is just a piece of paper

I should also mention she finds my choice that i intend to only return to work part-time abhorrent, as she chooses to leave her daughter in childcare as "she deserves a career for going through childbirth" WTF!!!
I havent voiced my own opinion on her choices wrt childcare as i am adult enough to know you shouldnt judge others but honestly so

she rounded off the evening by saying they want us to go away with them for four days...so we can share the childcare, as the hol would be themepark based!!!(as if!!)

Am i being over-sensitive??

OP posts:
Carmenere · 27/09/2008 12:47

Ah FGS woman, grow a backbone, that you would even contemplate going to dinner in this womans house is ridiculous. And tbh if her dp thinks that her behaviour is ok, well then he is not as good a friend as your dp thinks. Sorry.

lardybump · 27/09/2008 12:47

DP has full parental rights and responsibilities if named on birth certificate.... She is a loon....... Could dp just see his friend down the pub or what ever from now on rather than it being a 4 some?

Original poster
BBeingpatient · 27/09/2008 12:53

thats what we've agreed, he sees the hubby we attend when neccessary (i.e goddaughters BDay) to be fair we were almost tricked into going last night, we thought we were seeing GD however she was in bed, and we havent seen her (or them) since may, so i was keen to make the effort for GD sake, as she is a lovely little girl.

Carmenere thanks for the advice re back bone but we dont actually see them that much so up untill now its not been too much of an issue, she has in the past apologised etc...
Her DH i think is just so downtrodden hes "anything for an easy life" type of guy, when we've seen him alone he's actually alot of fun.

in a way i wish we werent god parents as then we cld really sever all ties, and DP could pursue his friendship separately.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 27/09/2008 12:54

i think in future i woudl be asking my DP to meet his friend for a few drinks and give the whole foursome thing a miss. she sounds insecure & a bit of a witch - i woudlnt waste my time socialising with her

YANBU. except that marriage isnt a piece of paper - its a legal contract that protects you and your children, especailly if you don't own your house jointly or have a will.forget about all the wedding malarky, if thats not your scene. put on your hard financial hat and get yourself sorted befroe you are pg

lucyellensmum1 · 27/09/2008 12:54

When we registered DD, DP had to sign something, as i did, i think to give him full parental responsibility so as far as anything like custody etc and more pertinantly, ability to give permission for anaesthesia/emergency medical treatment, he he is secure. I would prefer to be married if i am totally honest, but we have been together 16 years and its not riht for us. The womans a loon - steer clear

suzywong · 27/09/2008 12:55

you sound like you are pregnantly sensitive
have you checked?

I reckon her dp fancies you and she knows it

cornsilk · 27/09/2008 12:57

Yes she is soooo jealous of you BB. Are you a babe but she's minger? That'd do it.

schwotz · 27/09/2008 12:58

Let your dp and his mate keep their social life separate. It is understandable that you don't see eye to eye, or have to like FF that much, or put up with her that much in the future.

You may sadly on this occasion have walked into a rather bad situation or argument that they were having before you arrived. She was wrong to judge you they way she did. When you go to some ones house as a guest, you should be made to feel welcome and not picked to pieces.

Don't do the holiday.

Original poster
BBeingpatient · 27/09/2008 12:58

i wonder if she is one of those naturally toxic people? ironically she ahs two sisters, and they are close to each other but completely different from her, as i also have two sisters, and the three of us are close , she often comments on this, but positively, which shows she can be positive i guess....

anyway wrt marriage, i not sure what i want, i am in the process of looking into what is best legally etc, weve both agreed we will get life insurance and make wills when we have a child. its ironic but its(seemingly) easier and cheaper to have a registry office wedding, than to go via depole!! weird eh?

OP posts:
lardybump · 27/09/2008 12:59

LEM is there anything that your dp can not do for your children. I ask as I obviously dont share the same sir name as my child (soon to be children) and I was told that because of this there were things I could not do for them!! sorry for hijack bb....

Original poster
BBeingpatient · 27/09/2008 13:00

ohh yeah i spose i am a babe...... i wish!!

OP posts:
schwotz · 27/09/2008 13:00

Yes I too thought that your dp's friend might have been saying how great you were and comparing their situation to yours before you arrived. Hence full cow attack on arrival.

Original poster
BBeingpatient · 27/09/2008 13:02

hmm that cld be a possibility i suppose, DP says he gets the impression her DH has been cajooled into things rather than it being a joint decision, he also isnt allowed a social life, a good example DP has been and bought that guitar wotsit for his wii...her DH has been invited down for lads night, and actually said " i will have to check when im allowed" laughable really...

thanks for the advice tho all, keen to here more from people who are unmarried, re sir names and what you can and cant do for the children concerned?

OP posts:
alicet · 27/09/2008 13:29

YANBU - she is a comlete bitch. WHo is probably actually really unhappy - I don't think you can be that bitter about so many htings if you are happy in yourself.

I can understand why you kept your mouth shut. I would have wanted to have a pop but almost the longer you quietly seethe the more you can try to keep quiet in case you totally lose it about one small comment!

I think it might be worth emailing her and explaining why you found her comments totally unacceptable and asking that in future she keeps her opinions about your personal lfe to her self unless you actually ask her for them.

And then do as you have decided - importaqnt occasions only but otherwise cut contact. And do not under any circumstances go on holiday with them!!!!

lucyellensmum1 · 27/09/2008 13:49

lardy - don't worry, please, you are the children's mother and you have the same rights as any other mother. As far as things my DP can't do for DD, so far the only thing he hasn't been able to do for her is breast feed . I am 99.9% sure that your rights don't even come into question, if you are worred contact the local registry office and ask them, it might be as simple as signing a form for full parental responsibility but as far as i am aware, this always is assumed to go with the mother anyway. I guess the reason for this is that there is never any question over maternity as there may be with paternity. Im not 100% sure of the law, but i would not worry if i were you.

lardybump · 27/09/2008 13:58

Thanks LEM you have put my mind at rest thanks.

McDreamy · 27/09/2008 14:04

What you can take comfort in though is the fact that you and your DP sound like you have a much happier existence than she does. What a sad and cynical way to live. I really think that that some people choose to be sad/offended and no matter what you had said last night she was going to take offence and make snide comments.

Well done for biting your lip but don't waste your energy on being , she's not worth it

FluffyMummy123 · 27/09/2008 14:11

Message withdrawn

eclectech · 27/09/2008 14:14

Blimey, what an awful woman.

On the not-married-with-children issue the different surname has no impact on parental rights and responsibilities. In Scotland if the parents aren't married they both need to turn up to register the birth, but once they've done that it's the same as if they're married. I believe there's a similar process in England although it might involve a separate form.

Eventually people stop judging for not being married too, or at least don't feel able to comment. We've been together over 17 years, and work together daily, and there aren't many people who have the audacity to claim we're not suitably committed to the relationship after that length of time

I do recommend getting Wills and the like sorted out though.

BuwchBywiog · 27/09/2008 17:45

I don't know if things have changed recently but when our DS had an op a while back my DP wasn't allowed to sign consent as we're not married.

As for the FF what a muppet! YANBU

KristinaM · 27/09/2008 17:57

slight hijack - lardybump i dont have teh same surname as my children and i am married. they have my surname as a middle name, as the only way to have two surnames is to double barrrel them, which woudl give our kids a very long difficult to spell and say name

i knwo families who have tried teh two surname thing and it just doesnt work

eg if your childs name is jane smith jones, its assumed that her surname is jones

she woudl need to be jane smith-jones

only probelm is at school, where teachers jusr assuem that you are Mrs Your childs surname. i just go with it, as i cant be bothered saying to everyone

"No its not Mrs Jones, its Ms Smith"

but i can see why soem poepl might make the effort, as names are4 a big deal

so for me being married wasnt really about names but the legal / financial stuff. i'm such an old romantic

soon2be3 · 27/09/2008 18:07

yes - you are being over-sensitive IMO.

HOWEVER your host was rude and totally unreasonable. I would decline any further invites to her dinner parties.

Your time is too precious, and life too short to listen to insults from so-called friends. Find some other friends to ENJOY dinner with. Dinner parties are suppose to be enjoyable, entertaining and relaxing, not a chore.

alloutofcrazy · 27/09/2008 19:18

YANBU

I've come across a few people similar to this lately,and think its difficult to be anything but sensitive when you feel like someone is putting you down.

But ultimately I come to the conclusion that these people are really unhappy and therefore start to feel better about myself as I would never resort to this when I'm unhappy.
Take her comments with a pinch of salt or stay away,some particularly negative people need to be avoided for our wellbeing.I think you're right, could be toxic.

bloomingfedup · 27/09/2008 20:11

YANBU - haven't read the whole thread but prehaps your friend had PMT? I would cut ties with them asap - she has gone too far unless she apologises and you are happy to accept this? Be strong.

teddycat · 27/09/2008 23:28

personally. I just think you should feel sorry for her. As others have said, she is obviously jealous and not very subtle about it. I have a friend whose life is the best in the world ever but she does protest too much..

The best come back I have found is to completely agree with what they say, " oh yes my garden is very small but it will make it more fun as we will be squashed", "i know, aren't we terrible not to be married we just we are just doing it to shock the mother in law"
(crap examples but yswim)
I just find it winds people up who are like that more than if you get defensive.