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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely FUMING and upset

80 replies

MrsSnape · 26/09/2008 08:10

Current situation:

I'm stuck on one of the roughest estates in Hull. My kids are due to go to one of the roughest schools in the city. Obv. Very depressed and stressed about it all.

MONTHS AGO I asked my mum if my stepdad would be a guarantor for a prvate rented house so I could move (currently unemployed and single parent, deperately searching for work).

She said YES. HE said yes. They KNEW what a guarantor was because he even said "as long as she promises to keep her repayments up".

So I applied for a few houses but got nowhere.

Wednesday the PERFECT house came up in the PERFECT area, housing benfit ok with a guarantor so BEOFRE I went for it I phoned my mum and asked if it was still ok. She said YES. When he got in from work he said YES.

So I went to see this house yesterday, it was PERFECT and I was told it was practically mine. I was so excited.

I then went and applied for an £800 loan which I was told I was pretty much guaranteed. All I needed to do was get the guarantor form signed and then it was would be pretty much all go from there.

So this morning, my mum phones and says "I'm really sorry but he's decided he won't do it, he's scared you won't pay the rent" . I am fucking FUMING and I swear to god he's done this on purpose because he's that much of a spiteful twat.

I'm just livid, absolutely fucking MAD. I've now applied for an £800 loan which I'll have to pay back for no bloody reason, I have applied for two houses which I'm pretty much guaranteed of getting, I told the kids they would no longer have to go to chav-hell high school next year and then he goes and does this.

AM I BEING UNREASONABLE??? Why the fuck didn't he say in the first place before I went and faffed about trying desperately to get these houses? why wait until I'm in the final stages of securing a half decent house to drop the bombshell?

I've never been so annoyed. I ended up arguining with my mum and put the phone down on her (because she was sticking up for him).

OP posts:
cupsoftea · 26/09/2008 09:34

Sorry you're in this situation & that you've been let down.

At least you have family to ask - some people have never been able to get help from their parents & just have to sort things out themselves.

onebatmother · 26/09/2008 09:34

they won't be paying for you though, will they? so it makes no difference to whether they can leave the estate.

you poor thing

Is it worth photocopying your rent book and writing and hand-delivering a letter explaining that you've been let down by your guarantor, and will they allow you to offer any alternative? For example, you've enclosed a copy of your rent-book which shows that your payments have been made on time for x years.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 26/09/2008 09:39

cupsoftea, I've never had help off them either, this was the first time I'd asked for any help for anything.

Stealth, he does, yes. He's a very manipulative person and controlls my mum in the same way (hence all the "I can see where barry is coming from" shite).

Onebat, letting agency is very strict and have said there is no way without a guarantor).

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 26/09/2008 09:39

Can you not sign up with an agency and do some temping so that your landlord can see that you do intend to gain employment and will be able to meet the rent payments?

Also, there will be lots of temporary jobs in retail at the moment due to xmas coming up - you can then look for something more permanent in the meantime.

lalalonglegs · 26/09/2008 09:45

Is there anyone else you can ask to be guarantor? Are relations good enough with your ex for him to help? Or his family? You say that you will never ask your stepfather for a favour again but what have you got to lose by going around and throwing yourself at his mercy? This all seems to have been done over the phone and I think it is much harder to turn someone down in person. So, go round there, explain as calmly as possible why you need to move, what an opportunity this is, how you have immaculate credit record and take the form so that he can sign then and there if he says yes again. It might not work but it's worth trying.

mumblecrumble · 26/09/2008 10:09

Hi there. That's totally crap - I'd cry for days being so let down.

My husband works in housing and there was this scheme (round here but there might be others in UK) called a 'bond scheme' [search it on google]. This is to help people who can;t afford deposits who need to move to get into private housing. Bascially they act as garantor and lend you the deposit then you pay off like £5 a month r somthing.

Don't want to get your hopes up but I would look at 'bond scheme' on google or ask your citizen advice place.

Best of luck dude. Your kids are so lucky to have you.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 26/09/2008 10:20

Thanks for all the kind words x I realise I probably came across as a bit of a diva spitting my dummy out. I was just so upset but I've managed to get a job interview for Monday. I'm going to let these houses go and start again when I have my own money and no need to ask for help.

Thanks again for listening and taking the time to reply. It helped loads just to write it down and have some outside insight.

I suppose I better apologise to my mum later for being a bitch to her this morning. I am still annoyed at them both but negative feelings don't help anyone.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 26/09/2008 10:26

I would talk/write to the private landlord. When DH and I were first together we got a flat from the landlady who REALLY didn't want to have HB tenants, but we talked to her and basically tried to show we would be reliable. She went with us in the end.

I'd approach the landlord and explain the situation, that it puts you in a very weak position having to have your stepfather as a guarantor because he is unreliable himself as he has shown by allowing you to view properties then suddenly withdrawing his consent.

Ask if the landlord would consider evidence from other people as to your reliability; council, previous employers?

Agree with getting advice from CAB on whether there is any other sort of scheme available. There are people out there with no family at all; what do they do, perhaps there is something out there for people who can't get a guarantor?

Janos · 26/09/2008 10:28

Oh MrSnape I am SO sorry.

I too live on a rough area although luckily (very luckily) I'm in a good bit with young families and older people so it's pretty quiet.

How awful of your stepdad. His behaviour to me is downright cruel - building up your hopes and then withdrawing consent at the last minute.

May be wildly off the mark here but is this a pattern of behaviour with him?

HonoriaGlossop · 26/09/2008 10:28

Oops x-posted. Hats off to you for being SO positive. I agree that the best revenge on him will be to be financially independent! Good luck.

TBH I don't think you need be too apologetic to your mum. Would you allow a man to treat a child of yours like this? No harm in her knowing what her lack of support for you costs you.

beanieb · 26/09/2008 10:29

You don't have to take the loan out, you can cancel it anytime.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 26/09/2008 10:33

Janos, yes it is a pattern. Basically he got with my mum when I was 11, my father had just died so I was in a bit of a state anyway and he made my life hell. Just stupid things like turning the TV over whilst I was watching something even though he didn't really want to watch anything...just to be a twat. When my sister was born it got worse and I was forced out at the age of 16, ended up homeless and he would stand there with his smug smirk whilst everyone went on about what a terrible, out of control teen I was. Bastard.

Honoria...I am annoyed to be honest and no I wouldn't treat my kids like this or allow anyone else to. I'm one of these people that feels guilty as soon as I upset anyone though and it will play on my mind if we continue not talking. I do know what you mean though, I don't think I have much to aplogise for either but I'm a soft git.

OP posts:
Janos · 26/09/2008 10:33

Reading through this sounds like a pattern of behaviour for him.

What an ARSEHOLE!!!

And I'm also for you that your mum takes his side and defends him.

Is there anyone else you know who can act as guarantor? I realise that may be clutching at straws a bit.

Miyazaki · 26/09/2008 10:35

You didn't sound like a dummy spitting diva! You sound very fucking cool.

And I totally agree with Honoria, bet you wouldn't let the new man in your life treat your child like this, would you?

mazzystar · 26/09/2008 10:36

I'm so sorry mrs snape

I know how worried you have been about schools

I would feel very let down

Is there any way you can sit down and talk it through with him?

Can anyone else help?

Don't fall out with your mum

fatzak · 26/09/2008 10:39

Agree with mumblecrumble, can you see if your local authority is involved in the bond bank scheme? DH has a house which he lets and he has just taken on tenant claiming HB and got a bond through this scheme.

mazzystar · 26/09/2008 10:39

could your mum be the guarantor?

Janos · 26/09/2008 10:40

He sounds very controlling MrsSnape. I wonder if your mum is a bit scared of him?

That's not to excuse her lack of consideration for you which I think is dreadful - just a thought.

Although you are angry and upset now, and quite understandably, I wonder if this could be the cloud with a silver lining?

If you had moved in he would be able to hold this over you as long as you stayed in the house.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 26/09/2008 10:40

Janos, don't really know anyone else. I was considering asking my ex but I don't want to be crawling back to him for help iyswim? I know I'm stubborn and cutting off my nose to spite my face but I'm a bit like that Its ok though, its not the end of the world if I dont get these houses, there will be others, I'm sure.

Miyazaki, Thanks!! I'll tell my son what you said when he's rolling his eyes because I make him watch a guns n roses video whilst saying "look! look how cool slash is! so much better than your chemical romance rubbish!" (I then get "guns n roses is SO old fashioned! you're so embarrassing!"

OP posts:
Janos · 26/09/2008 10:41

Sorry if that sounds a bit insensitive, it's not meant to. Just from what you described I wonder if he would have used it (his status as guarantor) as an opportunity to be controlling?

Original poster
MrsSnape · 26/09/2008 10:42

Janos (crossed post) he is very manipulative, if she goes against him he starts crying and says "I don't want to loose you" blah blah and she feels sorry for him, not realising that he's doing it to control her

And you're right, he would have had ultimate conrtol if I'd moved.

OP posts:
Janos · 26/09/2008 10:44

"Janos, don't really know anyone else. I was considering asking my ex but I don't want to be crawling back to him for help iyswim?"

God, I know what you mean. I'd claw my eyes our rather than ask my ex for financial help! He earns a multiple of what I do (yes that much) but I'm loathe to ask him for anything.

It's great that you are being so positive about this

Janos · 26/09/2008 10:44

I mean eyes out..d'oh. Terrible typing.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 26/09/2008 10:46

lol thank god its not just me I'm one of those people that would rather go without than ask for help, thats why I'm so annoyed about this incident, its the first time I've asked for help off anyone.

And thanks for the words of encouragment x

OP posts:
Janos · 26/09/2008 10:50

Yours posts have struck a chord MrsSnape because I have a friend with parents who put the T in Toxic.

They acted as guarantors on her flat (threatening to withdraw support at the last minute, sound familiar?) and boy do they hold it over her. It's caused her lots of stress and anguish.

I know it doesn't make your life any easier me saying this but I have so much contempt for people like your stepdad and I'm sorry his behaviour has impacted on your life so much.