To want my sister to have her own bloody baby?!!! Sorry its a long one.

[lauraloola]

Ok, before I write this I want you all to know that I am not a ungrateful cow although it does sound like I am....

My sister has a very good job and earns alot of money. She is older then me and is getting married in April. Her dp really wants kids at some point but my sister is not keen - The thought of her going through pregnancy let alone labour is v.scary - She is not good with pain, crying children etc!

Anyway. My dd is now 3mo and my sister is spoiling her rotten. She buys her something every week and has gone mad with Christmas presents for her even though she knows I am going to do a list so our house isnt full of massive toys.

My dp and I do not earn much money, rent a small house already too full and are only buying dd a few things for Christmas - She will be 6mo!

It really feels as though my sister is buying as if its for her own lo. She buys her things to her taste and keeps saying 'im going to buy her this....' The latest on her list is a book case - I have told her several times that we dont have space (We honestly dont) but she says 'well you will move one day for now it can go behind her bedroom door'

What would you do? Get one with it and accept the gifts? Am I being an ungrateful cow?

YABU.

Your DD is lucky to have someone who dotes on her so much. And irrespective of how many things your sis buys your DD - no one will or can take your place.

Get on with it, accept the gifts. Am sure things will settle down eventually.

yanbu - my sister and I have an agreement with presents

on birthdays we all club together (in the close family) and buy a big item - a bike /a toy garage/ if people want to buy something else they buy either books or clothes ...can't have too many books imo

at xmas we give no pressies to each others kids and take them all on trip to Alton towers instead. They get so much other stuff it doesn;t matter.

No way would I let anyone else do my dcs stocking. Let her be the doting auntie but put your foot down when it gets daft, buying you a book shelf that you have no room for it for eg.

YABU - I am an only child, so is DH so there is no doting Aunty or Uncle to buy presents for my DD I only wish there was....

I am fuming about the stocking. I told her last week that she shouldnt do a stocking and I thought she had got the message. Then on Sunday she said to my mum that she is doing a stocking.

I do honestly think now that she is jealous. I think she would love a dc to do all the things she is doing for my dd but she doesnt want the effort that comes with it.

I really dont know what to do. My mum wont say anything although she did tell her to back off when I was pregnant so maybe I will keep on at mum. I dont want to sound ungrateful but she really needs to know that she keep doing what she is doing.

Dd has now long grown out of the moses basket my sister bought and I really want to sell it as we dont have the space to keep it and could do with the money. If my sister ever found out that I sold it she would go mad - What do I do about that one?

Tell her you don't have the space and suggest she might like it for her famly in the future?

Good idea. Maybe I will raise it tomorrow and see what she says. It could go in the loft but I have a feeling it will go mouldy.

Re: moses basket, if you give someone a gift, then what they do with it is really up to them, so unless your sister wants it back, I don't see that it is her business really. Would she know if you sold it?

I agree with nomoremagnolia. Even if she is not secretly broody or even ttcing, she clearly feels conflicted about having children of her own and is possibly jealous that her baby sister got there first.

I would keep up the polite requests and ebay anything you don't want. If she gives a christmas stocking, tell her you asked her not to do it and you have already made one for your DD, so will give hers to charity. Don't let yourself get upset about it - just ignore her unreasonable demands. If she asks where the bookcase etc, are tell her you had no space and have sold it on ebay, putting the money in a savings account for your DD.

If she goes mad because you have sold the moses basket it is maybe a good thing. She might then start taking you seriously/showing some respect.

She has no right to insist you keep stuff you don't have space for and don't want. You are a grown up now, and she is not the boss of you!

Could you approach your sister from the "I can't possibly afford to reciprocate when you have one of your own" approach?
If your sister is anything like mine, when she does have her own baby she will remember everything she every bought your DD and how much it cost
Your sister may not be planning a baby yet but the chances are that she probably will have one - just tell her to stop because there is no way you can afford to spend the same on her baby (when she has it)

While I agree that it is often difficult to accept gifts when your home is small and you do not have room, I do feel you should cut your sister a break.

My sister is always lavishing gifts on my daughter, she herself would love children but is struggling, and she enjoys being an auntie.

I often leave pressie my sister (and other sister and mum for that matter!) at my mums house so my DD has stuff there to play with.

Are you SURE she is just scared of labour? and its not that she CAN@T have children, but is consoling herself with "I don't want the sleepless nights etc"

Sorry, but my children have NO family close by to dote on them, so I do think YAB the teeniest bit U

Just because your sister buys a halloween costume, does not mean you have to use it. Same with the stocking - what you do in your house is under your control ...dd is your baby, set boundaries. ie "Thank you, that is lovely, but I already have something in mind"

She does sound quite overbearing. Have you always had that sort of relationship with your sister - where she thinks her opinion is more important than yours because she is older?

It's tricky. I imagine that a lot of childless aunts are like this to a certain extent. The comments she has made about your local schools and taking your child to Disneyland are rude and presumptuous.

The gifts you might just have to grin and bear. If you don't have space for things and have told her in advance, I don't she how she can get upset when you relegate her gifts to the attic, in lieu of you maybe moving one day.

On the other hand, I speak as someone whose DDs have no aunts. They have uncles who drop into their lives infrequently. Come my DDs' birthdays, they get very few gifts or family members thinking of them. That can sting too.

If your sister turns out to be the babysitting type, take advantage (in a nice way) of that.

You might be a wee bit unreasonable, if this is the first grandchild and she has had no previous dealings with babies, she might be a bit taken aback by how much she loves your DC and this refects in how much she buys for the baby.

Speaking from a little bit of experience, I have a 22yr old neice who was very self centred and I really didnt have too much in common with her until I had my 20month DD. She now arrives with presents, clothes and will drop everything to babysit without expecting payment. I have never been so close to her as I have been in the last 20 months!!

Hi Lauraloola, my mum loves to spoil my DS and she buys him things all the time (cute hats, blankets etc.) and it is all much appreciated as I know she is doing it to help me and DS as well as to indulge her maternal side.

If she was ever to suggest doing a stocking for my DS I would tell her that I didn't want her to do a stocking as it was something special that I felt a mother should do for their child and I don't want anyone else to do him one - I would be as blantant as that. She's your sister so if she is insisting on doing somthing that you don't want her to do and wont take any notice of you saying you don't want or need what she wants to give DD be as blantant as you like or as you need to be to get the message accross.

I think its lovely she wants to help but she shouldn't try to take over the special things between you and your daughter.

My cousin who is more like a sister to us had has a 6yo and a 4 yo and we had to help her loads with her 1st as she really struggled. She sold loads on ebay and my sister and mum still go on about how rude it was to see gifts.

My sister has already said 'I hope the things I bought dont go on ebay'. She wouldnt know until we have dc2 which will be when the questions will start.

I dont think she will be the babysitting type. She is the sort of person who will take a kid out for the day, fill them full of sweets, buy them loads then return them when she has had enough.

She is defo not ttc. The implant is still in!

I do think she is jealous. When we go shopping she will want to carry dd instead of her being in her pram. Its like she wants to people to see her carrying a baby.

Her job is the main thing that is stopping her having kids. That and the fact that she likes having money and her sleep. She cant cope when dd cries!

Tonight we are all going to her house as its her birthday. It will be interesting to see what she is like with dd when her dp's family is there...

Oh dear, this sounds awful! I get just a fraction of the same thing with my sister - too many presents, and resentment, but nothing like this bad - and I hate it (though she has responded a bit to being told).

It is so totally not unreasonable to not want too many presents. People use the fact that "you should be grateful" as a manipulative tool when often this behaviour is about being controlling. My sister would get clothes and presents way ahead of time - it was as if she was making sure she was the one to get those things and not me - and it infuriated me because of course you want to be the one to get special things for your baby. I've also had some very sarky and resentful comments about me being the first to have a baby.

I think you have to be very very clear and firm, but ideally do it through your mum or another family member she'll listen to. She needs to be told, yes, it is generous but you really need it to stop. You do not have space. You would like to buy your DD some things yourself. You very much appreciate her kindness and if she does want to carry on she could instead put the money into an account for DD which will be hugely useful when it comes to going to university, school trips etc.

The ebay stuff - outrageous. Tell her you will soon have no choice but to ebay stuff as you do not have the space. And remind her that this should be about what is best for DD, not making sure she's not offended.

why don't you tell her that stuff she buys can stay at her house for baby to play with when you go round?
We did this with MIL and it works quite well. She was going into spending overdrive but now cos they have lots of baby stuff there, FIL has put his foot down. Also means our house isn't full of stuff we have to get out when they come round jus so she can see we use it.

MrsB - that works well for us.
We have toys at my sisters, my mum and dads, my FILs and my MILs.

My mum and Dad have a large house, so we keep the "big" toys there, such as the cooker / kitchen replica things which are too big for our house.

She sounds like a total control freak. And i cant believe her giving you a list of names you couldnt use because she liked them??

WTF!!. She must be jealous that you have given your family their first grandchild and is trying to mould your child into hers.

She clearly has a good job and disposable income and having a baby right now is not on her agenda as she's got an implant. Apart from saying "thanks but no thanks!" to her and risking her wrath, i'm not sure what to suggest cos she doesnt exactly seem the sort to getting these subtle hints you are giving her.

Its all very well playing the doting auntie, but all these "firsts" should be made by the parents, not her!

I feel for you! She is taking the shine off all the lovely "firsts" with your daughter, and may end up blemishing your memories of them!

You need to get the message to her to back off. how you will manage this, i dont know I think you will need to enlist the help of other, maybe your partner, her partner or your parents?

It sounds to me like she has gone way past "doting aunt" and is bodering on being a little scary! Hope you can resolve this soon.

I believe it is meant to be impossible to 'spoil' a baby and yours is less than 6m and won't have the faintest idea of what's going on in any way shape or form. What she'll understand is that she is surrounded by people who dote on her, which is great.

Other than that, your sister is about to get married to a chap who wants kids and she has never been keen on having them. In some way, she may be acclimatising herself to the idea of children of her own. (That doesn't mean she isn't delighted with your dd and her actions are not totally genuine.) Once she does have her own baby yours will no longer be the focus of her attention. She may just want to do what she can for yours while she has the spare dosh, knowing that she won't be able to in the future.

I understand that you don't want your house full of stuff you don't want, but some of it may come in handy in the future. The suggestion of your sister putting money aside is a compromise, but she may not go for it as it would be very noticeable when it stops when she's got her own, and that could cause embarrassment to her.

If you get on well with your sis, you can only try to talk to her about it. Please try to forgive her for her enthusiasm - in itself it is a great and wonderful thing she is doing (appalling grammar, sorry!) but I'm sure that between you, you should be able to come up with a compromise which is OK for both of you.

lauraloola - I really feel for you. My MIL is the same in terms of trying to take over all the 'firsts'. (Though I'm not sure she means to maliciously) She is also always buying the kids, to the extent that DD expects presents whenever we see the ILs. I actually told MIL off for giving DS a present on DD's birthday, as I felt it took the shine off DD's special day. I'm very lucky with doting aunties and uncles as they are sensible and listen to us!! Can your parents speak to her?