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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my sister to have her own bloody baby?!!! Sorry its a long one.

92 replies

lauraloola · 23/09/2008 15:39

Ok, before I write this I want you all to know that I am not a ungrateful cow although it does sound like I am....

My sister has a very good job and earns alot of money. She is older then me and is getting married in April. Her dp really wants kids at some point but my sister is not keen - The thought of her going through pregnancy let alone labour is v.scary - She is not good with pain, crying children etc!

Anyway. My dd is now 3mo and my sister is spoiling her rotten. She buys her something every week and has gone mad with Christmas presents for her even though she knows I am going to do a list so our house isnt full of massive toys.

My dp and I do not earn much money, rent a small house already too full and are only buying dd a few things for Christmas - She will be 6mo!

It really feels as though my sister is buying as if its for her own lo. She buys her things to her taste and keeps saying 'im going to buy her this....' The latest on her list is a book case - I have told her several times that we dont have space (We honestly dont) but she says 'well you will move one day for now it can go behind her bedroom door'

What would you do? Get one with it and accept the gifts? Am I being an ungrateful cow?

OP posts:
Original poster
lauraloola · 23/09/2008 16:45

If she doesnt listen to me and buys dd a bookcase its your Hatrick!

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StayFrosty · 23/09/2008 16:49

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hatrick · 23/09/2008 16:49

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Bluebutterfly · 23/09/2008 16:51

Haven't read the posts, but imo you are still in the very early "possessive" months of your dc's life, finding your feet as a new parent and feel very territorial about your new baby. That is fine, normal and to be expected.

However, what I would say is this: give you sister the benefit of the doubt. She is very excited on your behalf and probably also on her own - her own family has been extended and she is now an aunt. In the future, when parenting is a little less new and has lost a bit of its mystery and gloss, you may really need her on side for the odd bit of babysitting! Let her spoil your dd now, and you may be able to reap some benefits from their strong bond that you have let them form in the future.

YAB a bit U, but it could be the hormones sorry...

Original poster
lauraloola · 23/09/2008 16:52

I thought the novelty would wear off after a few weeks but it has got worse. She also buys her clothes - She bought her a Halloween outfit and several Christmas outfits. All of which I wanted to get as its her first of both.

I just dont know what else to do. If she does do her a stocking for Christmas I can see myself going mad and not talking to her which I dont want to happen.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 23/09/2008 16:53

YABU.

How on earth can a 6 month old baby be 'spoiled rotten'???

Sazisi · 23/09/2008 16:54

You shared a room with her? I bet she was bossy

You have to sit her down and get her to see things from your perspective. Enlist your DH's, (and hers maybe!) help if necessary. You're going to have to be blunt: tell her you get the impression she's doing this for her really, and it's not healthy.
Make some rules: she can only buy your DD one present per Birthday/Christmas. And Christmas stockings are STRICTLY the domain of parents!

VinegarTits · 23/09/2008 16:56

Just tell her its not on, limit her to one present for birthdays and a couple for xmas, ask her to buy clothes (dc always need clothes) if she wants to spend her money at other times but tell her not to go over the top, or to put the money in to her ctf.

Original poster
lauraloola · 23/09/2008 17:01

I know dd wont be spoilt this young but I am worried that if it doesnt stop now then it will continue to an age that she will become spoilt.

She was very bossy!!

I told her I was going to do a list for dd's Christmas pressies. Blatantly she hasnt listened as she already has loads of presents for her.

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nomoremagnolia · 23/09/2008 17:02

Are you sure she's not ttc/feeling clucky? Or could it be that she's the big sister and therefore should be doing all these things first? I'm only wondering because of the things you say about her reaction to you being pg - looking for the bad things in the magazines etc...
I worry that I treat my godson too much, but I love buying him things (all those cute tiny clothes and stuff when he was born and toys and thigns now) and I know it's partly as a way of dealing with my own inabilty to have a child. Going to mothercare feels so illict to someone like me, but I'm 'allowed to' now as I'm buying for my godson. I do agree that furniture is a step too far though and I love spending time with my godson as much as I love buying him things!

Bluebutterfly · 23/09/2008 17:03

It sounds like she was not ready for children herself, but is still jealous that you have had a baby. Maybe she feels guilty that she is jealous, as well as excited, and is trying to overcompensate for the feelings she has.

My younger sister was totally disinterested when I had ds (she is brilliant with him now - but he is almost 4 years). I felt that I could have used her support, especially right after the birth - just a non-judgemental ear to listen - and my little sis (only 20 mths between us so not that little) was almost cold in her attitude to me after a very traumatic labour. With hindsight I think she was jealous, a bit overwhelmed that my life was changing so rapidly, and just wasn't there for me.

We always have such high expectations of how others should behave, particularly if they are close relations, and it is hard not to be annoyed or disappointed when they don't fulfil them.

I like to think that when my sister (hopefully) eventually has children I will be able to be there for her - but who knows, she may balk at my attemptsor find them patronising rather than helpful...

Give your sister a couple more months (or ask her to babysit for an afternoon - you may not see her for dust after that )

Original poster
lauraloola · 23/09/2008 17:03

She buys her clothes too but dresses that are v.impractical for everyday use and we dont go anywhere that needs dd to be dressed up. I dont think she has bought her any sensible clothes. Dd has been ill with a cold recently so I have been dressing her in warm baby gros in the day. I got moaned at for that because my sister doesnt think she should be wearing pjs in the day - She was ill and doesnt like things being put over her head on the best of days!

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Original poster
lauraloola · 23/09/2008 17:06

When I told her I was pregnant she said 'oh so you have the 1st grandchild' so yes she is probably jealous. I also think thats why she is getting married in April - So that she can be the first to do that. I dont care as I dont see the point in spending money on one day!

When she does have children I will be there to help her as much as I can. I think she will have them one day but defo not yet. She told her dp the other day that she doesnt need to as I will have more that she can look after!

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nomoremagnolia · 23/09/2008 17:11

I'm still sensing something more from your sister - maybe I'm reading too much into it but most people who don't know my problems really don't think I want/like children, it's a self-preservation technique!! I find pg people much harder to be around than babies, so maybe she's trying to make up for feeling jealous - either because you were pg and it's what she wanted or because your DD is first GC or because you and your DD are getting all the attention.
Of course she could be a control freak and I've got it all wrong, but I wanted to put an alternative suggestion forward.

dilbertina · 23/09/2008 17:12

I do think you are being a bit ungrateful - but can also see why some of it could get wearing...especially the bits where she is trying to takeover you role eg with the stocking etc....

Maybe it would be better to put it in writing? Just explain whilst you really appreciate her generosity there are some things that YOU want to get for your daughter, and that you are worried that the sheer quantity of stuff dd is getting will mean she appreciates things less as she gets older (plus you'll run out of things to get!).

Maybe make some suggestions of what would be really nice instead that you would love to do but can't afford...savings account, a photo session, days out when she's older etc if she would like that kind of thing, but ask her to keep the other stuff to smaller personal gifts (Although I don't think you have the right to tell her what to get)

I think it's lovely she is so besotted with your dd though, try and appreciate how she feels. Children can't be loved too much. And I do think you're a bit mean not sending her a b/day card from dd anyway! Why not just do a dd handprint on a bit of card? Hardly any effort for you but would mean a lot to her.

Original poster
lauraloola · 23/09/2008 17:35

I would have given her a card from dd if she hadnt have told me to get her one. Now I am not as I dont want to be told what to do. I am waiting to see what she says tomorrow. I am sure I will get some comment about how much she buys dd so she should have a card from her.

She only sees her once a week, twice if she comes round in the week.

I actually now think they got engaged early because I was pregnant and that she is or was really jealous. They got engaged when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I was over the moon as it took some of the attention away from me!

She had the implant put in a few months ago so she wont have kids for at least 3 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
lauraloola · 23/09/2008 17:37

Just thought of something else to add - When I was pregnant she gave me a list of baby names we werent allowed to use because she liked them - Jealous or mad?

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justaboutisverydull · 23/09/2008 17:42

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georgimama · 23/09/2008 17:44

She sounds like a fruitcake. If you have tried being tactful, and you have tried being direct, it is time to be rude.

I know that sounds harsh, but as all other attempts at reason have failed, and she sounds like she has the hide of a rhino, she probably won't be upset anyway, but it might get through.

Just say, please don't do DD's Xmas stocking/buy that bookcase etc etc, it's not what she needs, if you would like to do something for her a small contribution to her child trust fund would be a lot more use. I would tell her straight, with a smile, that if she does buy this unwanted/unneeded stuff, you will be selling it and putting the money in child trust fund or buying something she actually needs.

Slickbird · 23/09/2008 19:37

I actually feel quite ill at the thought of all this. I really do. I would be going nuts!! She's taking away all the special bits about being a parent without doing any of the graft. DONT LET HER DO THE XMAS STOCKING!!! It WON'T be better, because it'll not be from her Mummy/Daddy (Santa). Tell her that if she continues in the same vein and ignores your polite requests, you'll give the stuff to charity. You're thinking too much about her and she's not giving a second thought to your feelings. I'll come and have a word if you want...

piratecat · 23/09/2008 19:42

def taking over and taking away all those special things you shuodl be doing as a rite of passage, esp with a pfb.

She sounds potty.

Mutt · 23/09/2008 19:46

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alicet · 23/09/2008 19:53

Yep well put slickbird!

This is NOT generosity - instead she is undermining you.

I do think however that it isn't reasonable of you to expect her to buy dd's Christmas presents from a list you have made - it is reasonable for her to be able to choose what to get her niece as long as said item isn't big or something you have already said YOU as her mum want to get.

Good luck sorting this out.

Slickbird · 23/09/2008 20:16

Mutt - I'm pregnant, I feel things very strongly at the moment!!

Ronaldinhio · 23/09/2008 20:24

yabu
perhaps she's trying to be supportive and perhaps you are a little jealous of her dispoable income
i know i am......