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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not sure if I am or not?

58 replies

susia · 21/09/2008 21:47

ok my son who was just 3 (and about 2 days) was at a party where there was a large bouncy castle and loads of kids.

He got overexcited on the bouncy castle and him and another 2/3 year old pulled a girl's arm and made her cry. The girl was about 7.

I stopped both of them and the other boy ran off. The girl's father came over and I said sorry for what had happened. He then said to my son 'Well I think an apology from you is in order young man'. I said to him 'he's only just 3, he didn't mean to do it so I don't think you'll get an apology out of him'.

I was really annoyed with him because even though his daughter had been hurt, she was much older and these were only overexcited 2/3 years olds (not 5 or 6 year old). I didn't like the way the man spoke to my son either.

Maybe I was unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

susia · 21/09/2008 22:37

that's exactly my view kittywise. He was only just 3 (alot happens in terms of development and speech and behaviour in my experience in the third year) I find 2 year olds often unable to reason with/comprehend and three year olds have more understanding.

I thought an apology from me should have been sufficient given his age.

OP posts:

kittywise · 22/09/2008 07:19

Yes it should have been enough. TBH the dad sounds rather prissy, over protective (tuts)

mayorquimby · 22/09/2008 11:10

'Well I think an apology from you is in order young man'.

sorry but why do people think he was pushing his luck or in any way out of order to speak to your child "like that" ?
seems a perfectly polite and acceptable way to speak to a child who has misbehaved.he didn't even give out to him or say anything remotely aggressive/chastisin. just that the child should apologise whioch he should have.
in fact the man shouldn't even had have to ask and the fact that you then flippantly said "i don't think you'll get anything out of him" instead of making your kid say sorry leads me to believe that yabvvvvvvvu

DaphneMoon · 22/09/2008 11:15

No he shouldnot have taken it upon himself to tell your son to apologise. However, 3 is not too young to start to apologise and perhaps he should have done so but told to by you not a stranger.

kittywise · 22/09/2008 11:18

MQ most people are very sensitive about having their children repremanded by another adult infront of them.

I think you have to know a person well to to that.

I think it is overstepping the mark. I don't know anyone *personally8 who would find what that man did acceptable.

What the op did was perfectly acceptable imo

mayorquimby · 22/09/2008 11:29

"MQ most people are very sensitive about having their children repremanded by another adult infront of them."

that's fair enough. but what do you do then when the parent is not reprimanding their child for hurting yours, as was the case with the op? and as i said before i don't even think it was what you'd call a harsh reprimand.he didn't give out to the child, he simply asked him to apologise to his daughter for making her cry.

debzmb62 · 22/09/2008 11:30

there is no way i let someone tell my dc off i,m afraid !!saying that i would myself get my 3 yearold dd and my 2 yrs old grandson to say sorry if they hurt someone what ever age the other child was !been the and done that !
my grandson might be only 2 but he,s bright and knows something are right and some are wrong infact i love to hear him say orry !!seems to be saying it alot lately lol

more · 22/09/2008 11:40

I am with Mildmanneredjanitor. The father probably did not know/remember your son's name and did not feel like calling the little boy that had just made his daughter cry "little sweetie". I think you are overreacting a bit.

mindalina · 22/09/2008 11:40

tbh I think the man in question is completely reasonable to expect your child to apologise for hurting his daughter, and you are coming across as more than a bit precious. Is there something you've not mentioned about the tone of the man's voice? Because I would say his actual words are really very reasonable for someone whose child has just been hurt.

mindalina · 22/09/2008 11:42

"there is no way i let someone tell my dc off i,m afraid" tbh this imo is why everyone's so farking scared of teenagers - why shouldn't people tell your kids off if they're being naughty? I'm more than happy for other people to tell my child not to do something if he's being naughty/doing something dangerous - saves me a job.

blueshoes · 22/09/2008 11:45

Agree with kittywise.

TheFallenMadonna · 22/09/2008 11:51

My just turned three year old DD would have been unable to offer an apology because she couldn't talk. Which is why I leave younger children to their parents really.

kittywise · 22/09/2008 12:37

MQ I'm sure all of us have been in that situation many times, where one of our children is upset by another child.

If the parent of a younger child is present and apologises to me and my child that is fine. usually say don't worry they all do it at some point is present.

If the parent is present but says nothing I leave it. I make a big fuss of my child and write it off. That's life, some parents are conscientious, some are so oblivious that they wouldn't notice if someone came and bit them on the bum, some are just downright awful.

If the parent wasn't around I might say something to the offending child like, "that's not nice", but tbh I reckon they'd have to be at least 4 before I bothered.

kittywise · 22/09/2008 12:38

I meant I'd say something like"don't worry they all do it at sometime"

CatMandu · 22/09/2008 12:42

I don't get this 'he's only 3' stuff, fgs 3 is old enough to say sorry. I suspect the use of 'young man' was an attempt to be jolly. I think you are being over protective, think about it what did your ds learn from this? That grown ups expect you to apologies when you do something wrong. Not a bad lesson imo.

lilymolly · 22/09/2008 12:48

way to over protective
You should have made ds apologise end of.
My dd has been taught to apologise as soon as she ould speak so at 3 years old he should be perfecty capable of apologising.
And the man was perfectly reasonable and polite in his request to your son

Blu · 22/09/2008 12:50

Well, I think the man was very... forthright, but yes, you should have asked your DS to apologise, and I think you should not have agrued with the man about it in front of your DS. He now knows that you will stick up for him when he is deservedly being asked to apologise.

Blu · 22/09/2008 12:50

IMO and IME 3 - even v young 3 - is generally o;d enough to apologise of they hurt someone and make them cry.

kittywise · 22/09/2008 13:18

Not all children will speak on command though, especially if they feel threatened/ anxious. My 4 year old completely freezes when strangers talk to her.

blueshoes · 22/09/2008 13:41

Agree, kitty. From the tone of voice and sharp language, the man sounds very close to bullying the OP's ds. Think of how intimidating it must be to a young boy of 3 who probably only did it accidentally because he was overexcited. Heck, even I would feel intimidated if a grown man spoke to me in that language, much less a 3 year old boy.

As it is, if anyone threatens my ds, I can feel all my protectiveness and bloodymindedness coming to the fore. I will take on board a politely phrased request to ME to get my son to apologise, in addition to the one I had already proffered on his behalf. But not when it is demanded in this way of a child that is not much older than a toddler.

Twelvelegs · 22/09/2008 13:43

I expect my children to apologise as soon as they can say the word, and with my DS1 he would touch someone's arm as he was a late talker. However it is up to a parent to decide what they expect from their child and not for someone else's parent to request an apology.
YANBU, he sounds like an idiot.

cornsilk · 22/09/2008 13:44

I agree with kitty.

Dandelioness · 22/09/2008 14:05

kitty, I think two issues are getting confused here. You said yourself that you would get your child to apologise, the OP seems to think that her child shouldn't have to. This is a separate matter from how the man reacted. I probably wouldn't have appreciated someone saying that to my child, but I would have told him firmly "thanks, but I've got this in hand" and then made my child apologise (although ideally I would have got them to say sorry immediately after the incident).

Twiglett · 22/09/2008 14:06

why can't a 3 year old say sorry?

youknownothingofthecrunch · 22/09/2008 14:10

My 2 year old has to say he's sorry if he hurts his brother (who is 10). He doesn't completely understand what it means, he just knows he has to do it if he did something naughty. It's not for his benefit, it's for the injured party.

I accept that some children freeze in front of strangers, but I would have at least tried to get an apology from him, and then apologised again myself if he was reluctant.

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