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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

thinking that the number of DC we have is our business not my mothers ?

34 replies

BabiesEverywhere · 21/09/2008 10:39

My DH works very hard, out of the house at 5am back between 4pm and 7pm. He supports us completely we don't get benefits etc. I am lucky enough to stay at home with 2 year old DD and month old DS and I (reluctantly) plan to return to work when DC are at school.

We are lucky enough to have a 3 bedroom house and we have a happy life. However we don't bother about proper holidays or buy loads of new stuff etc and food shop at Aldi but I prefer to be careful and I'm not kean on holidays

My mother wants me to give away all our baby clothes. i.e. All the tiny stuff and all the girls stuff and I said I wanted to shove it in the attic for the time being. I might decide to lend it to a friend or my sister.

I was also thinking to myself, that my DS is only a month old I don't want to decide now whether we have finished with having children or not but I didn't say this to my mum.

My mother (mindreader) decided to give me a lecture about how I can not have any more children as I only have a 3 bedroom house and children can not share a bedroom and be happy (WTF) That I should get rid of the baby clothes straight away (as if that will help)

TBH the more she is determined that we must stop at two, the sadder it makes me feel. I am sad that she is telling me what to do and that she feels I am not adult enough to make my own decisions in life.

I suppose I want her approval and it is upsetting to think if we did decide to have another DC in the future that she would not be supportive.

Not that it is on the cards, I am enjoying month old DS too much at the moment, I just object to being lectured at by my very loving mother.

AIBU

OP posts:

compo · 21/09/2008 10:40

yanbu
she should know when to keep her opinions to herself
but thta's mums for you!!

AbbaFan · 21/09/2008 10:43

Of course YANBU

Your mum can't decide how many children you have.

muppetgirl · 21/09/2008 10:45

I think this is one of those
'We've had this conversation, shall we agree to disagree...?'

I have this all the time with my father who knows everything about everything. Now I just openly say that disagree and that him saying it to me again will not change my mind.

It's hard though and took me ages to come to this realisation!

wb · 21/09/2008 10:46

YANBU - my mum's the same. However I am sure if/when presented w. no.3 she would be a doting gran (again) so smile and ignore her constant comments.

I don't know about you but I need to keep my baby stuff as it acknowledges the possibility of no.3 and stops me thinking 'oh this is for the last time' as ds2 goes from one stage to another. If their never is a dc3 then I will have been eased into it iyswim

MrsMattie · 21/09/2008 10:48

YANBU. But let's be honest, she has no control over what you and your DH do. If she's not supportive, that's a shame, because people generally do what they want despite what their parents think once they are adults!

gabygirl · 21/09/2008 10:50

How many children does your mother have?

Maybe she has unresolved feelings about this issue for herself and is now taking this out on you.

I know I sometimes feel very strongly that I shouldn't have had a third child (although he is adorable and in many ways the one I'm closest to). I've realised, slowly but surely, that having a third child has made things disproportionately difficult for us as a family, in a financial and practical sense.

But I do hope that if dd finds herself with 2 children I won't do what your mum is doing. I'm sure she's only trying to protect you, but it's very hurtful. I would have been mortified if my mum had said anything to me... (though thinking back, I do remember her distinct lack of enthusiasm, and my dad looking a bit depressed when I announced pregnancy number three)

ninja · 21/09/2008 10:50

One of the happiest families I know had 5 children in a 3 bedroomed house - when the kids became teenagers they went into the attic (not high enough to count as real rooms).

Money and space don't make a family - love does.

2cats2many · 21/09/2008 10:51

I don't know why she thinks children can't share a bedroom. I have a friend who is LOADED with a massive house and her 3 children still all share a room. Its nicer that way when they're young.

muppetgirl · 21/09/2008 10:52

I am keeping all of ds 2's stuff as we've not made a final decision though I do think we're slanting more towards a yes on dc 3. My ds 2 is nearly 11 months and I'm not giving the fundamentals away.

Does your mother have her own issues regarding having children? Did she have 3 and not cope? Did she have 2 and wish she'd had more? Sounds like she's projecting her own feelings onto you for whatever reason.

muppetgirl · 21/09/2008 10:54

I'm one of 3 as is dh. His sisters shared as did my brothers till my dad converted the loft into 2 bedrooms. I can understand worries over cost but unless that's a concern facing her she can have an opinion but really that's all.

jellybeans · 21/09/2008 10:56

I have 4 children in a 3 bed (big rooms) house and am pregnant with no 5! My mum was exactly the same from no 3 upwards. Had me in tears over it. Made me feel stupid. She is great about everything else but obsessed with us not having more than 2 kids (like she did). DH works f/t and the kids are well cared for, which she agrees with, sadly our last baby was stillborn so she was actually pleased when I got pg this time as she saw how much we suffered. YANBU it is your business. Eventually she will come round to the idea although she may make you feel like crap at first like mine did Good luck xx

AuntieMaggie · 21/09/2008 11:05

OMG - why can't DC share a bedroom and be happy? I know plenty of examples that contradict that and if the worst thing in life you DC have to face is sharing a bedroom then they'll be blessed.

It's up to you how many DC you have not your mother and I think she's talking tosh.

Have as many DC as YOU want to and enjoy them

Judy1234 · 21/09/2008 11:10

Poor you. It's not her business. We have 5 children and they really benefit from having siblings. Two of them happily share a room. I shared a room until I was 14. It's not a big deal at all. Children and indeed parents and children share rooms and bed all round the world. It's not the material things that count but the other things. Having siblings is far more valuable than space and things.

mummyhill · 21/09/2008 11:15

YANBU I am under the same pressure even though had an early m/c earlier this year. I just nod walk off have a cry and let them get on with it.

Original poster

BabiesEverywhere · 21/09/2008 11:17

My mum always wanted 4 children but had 3 due to money constraints. However she has regrets about the youngest child, due to him being gay, his life choices and selfish behaviour at times.

We shared rooms until I was 12 and then I had my own room. I don't remember have a problem with sharing a room, although my sister I did fall out from time to time, we also did after I had my own room IYSWIM.

Mum said our family would have had more things like holidays and 'stuff' if they had less children. But I don't remember having any issues with the lack of money or posh holidays. We just accepted that we couldn't have things like that and we had a very happy childhood.

I know my mum shared a room with her sister and hated it, so maybe she is projecting.

I agree with wb "I need to keep my baby stuff as it acknowledges the possibility of no.3 and stops me thinking 'oh this is for the last time' as ds2 goes from one stage to another. If there never is a dc3 then I will have been eased into it iyswim"

Just because I want to keep the baby clothes doesn't actually mean anything one way or the other.

But I don't think sharing rooms or having to live to a budget should stop children being born, else we wouldn't have had the two we currently have !!! After all better to share a room and exist !!!

OP posts:

AbbeyA · 21/09/2008 11:18

I would keep out of the discussion-just smile sweetly and change the subject.Keep hold of your stuff until you decide. She can't keep having a one sided discussion!

Original poster

BabiesEverywhere · 21/09/2008 11:25

Jellybean,

Congratulations on your current pregnancy

It sounds like your mothers past behaviour was very upsetting for you. I hope you feel much happier now.

Sorry to hear about your loss, I have no idea how hard that must be

OP posts:

SpookyMadMummy · 21/09/2008 11:26

YANBU.

When I announced we were planning Dc3, my mother said '3 children is my idea of a nightmare'
Guess which number child I am...

jellybeans · 21/09/2008 11:30

Thankyou x

lilysmummy2007 · 21/09/2008 11:41

sorry to hear about this situation, and yanbu, i grew up in the carribean and a room of your own is a luxury, we lived in a 3 bed house, with nan, my aunt who was ill,mum, dad and 4 siblibgs, at one point i shared a bedroom with 3 brothers, till we built a bigger house, but i had a brilliant childhood, very happy times and as ninja says money and space dont make happiness, love does. tell your mum thats its your business if you want 2 children or 12

debzmb62 · 21/09/2008 12:45

it's up to you not anyone else i have 7 brothers and sister my mum said "2 kids each" lol now she has 30 grandkids and 40 great grandkids ! the grankids have now stopped but the great grandkids are still coming fast with 2 more on the way lol its great at party's

KatieDD · 21/09/2008 16:03

I suppose the thing is we as mothers know how bloddy hard motherhood is and nobody would ever want to see their daughter struggle would they ?
If mine wanted lots of children, more than 3 say, I'd help in anyway I could but I can't say i'd be delighted.

mamachat · 21/09/2008 16:10

my dads family had loads of children, there were 3boys in one bedroom and 3girls in the in the other and his parents had their own bedroom, but they were all happy... Children do not have to have their own bedroom, and you can have as many children as you like, why should you stop at 2...

KatieDD · 21/09/2008 16:17

Hmm with the own bedroom thing, it's fine sharing but I do think children with their own room have an advantage in that they have some where quiet and private to study and to not be distrubed by younger siblings when they are trying to sleep on a school night.
I've filled every bedroom for now and that is certainly making me think twice about having another, we all need space and privacy.

hecate · 21/09/2008 16:18

"Unless I am asking you to pay to support them, it is none of your business whether I have 1 or 50 children. Please do not attempt to discuss this with me again, it is none of your business how often I choose to reproduce."

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