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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give DP ultimatum "cannabis or us"

57 replies

tristaleejac · 19/09/2008 18:21

My son and I are moving in with my DP of 2 years because we are due our baby in April. We are getting the keys next week.
Is it too much that I said I don't want him smoking hash in the house?
I hate the stuff and fear the kids would find it and put it in their mouths.
Right now I live on my own with son and have a strict no drugs policy, for the sake of my son.
I have told him this is the one rule that will come with me into new house.
He went mad at me shouting about hash not being a drug, compared to other stuff, and said it's just smoke, it's no different to nicotine
Why does he not see that I'm doing this for the children and it IS dangerous stuff and it IS drugs and is NOT the same as nicotine.
It got to the stage where he was saying if I'm not prepared to accept him smoking it in the house he'd reconsider moving in with us. I told him I'd rather be a single parent and have a safe environment for my children. Am I being unreasonable? Why wont he just deal with it?
Sorry I had to ask people's opinions I'm just about at my wits end

OP posts:
lardybump · 19/09/2008 19:14

Smoking in general around kids is just wrong weather it is canabis or not.... If it wasnt' dangerous the government wouldn't of baned it in public places. When you smoke canabis you still mix it with fags so it is still passive smoking and dangerous for the children.......

umberella · 19/09/2008 19:14

oh jesus, stick to the point CatMandu -start a thread if you want to debate the evils of drink and cigarettes compared to good old 'harmless' pot.

If this woman's partner has kicked up a stink about not smoking in the house around their kids, he is proposing that bringing them up in a house where they inhale the smoke is fine.

Toddler psychosis, anyone?

lardybump · 19/09/2008 19:15

please excuse spelling in last post

umberella · 19/09/2008 19:15
Overmydeadbody · 19/09/2008 19:17

He won't stop you know. You will keep facing this over and over again until you finally have enough and leave for good.

You cannot expect him to give it up for you or the children, he will only give it up for himself, when he wants to.

You're better off not moving in with him at all if you don't agree with such a big issue to both of you.

Spidermama · 19/09/2008 19:21

I'm somewhere between CatManDu and Policywonk on this. I do think it's perfectly fine to be with kids when you're a bit stoned now and again, as it is when you're a bit merry on alcohol now and again.

BUT he does seem to be touchy on this which would suggest dependency issues.

Also you wouldn't want your kids seeing someone smoking, anything, regularly. They copy and will be interested.

Overmydeadbody · 19/09/2008 19:21

Catmandu I think you are missing the point of the thread.

The OP doesn't want it smoked in the house she and her kids live in. She has a right to make that choice, regardless of whether it is 'dangerous' or not.

Her partner, also, has a right to choose whether or not he smokes in his own house.

The problem is that they disagree on such a fundamental issue, and what, if anything, the OP can do about it.

CatMandu · 19/09/2008 19:22

Umbrella - the op's was comparing nicotine with pot and saying it was worse, it isn't. Not all pot smokers mix it with tobacco, hash cake for example.

I do think it's unreasonable to expect someone to change something they do that they've always been open about. Why get so far into the process of moving in together without having hashed (excuse the pun) this one out. So, I agree with the other posters who say it doesn't bode well for the relationship. I don't agree with the concept that canabis is worse then tobacco.

Original poster
tristaleejac · 19/09/2008 19:22

I've not asked him to stop, I realise that's his decision. All I've asked is that he doesn't smoke it in the house. He has at last agreed but very reluctantly and is sulking big style. Do you really think this will continue to crop up? Surely the fact he can still actually do it, just not at home is good enough when there are young children involved?

OP posts:
Spidermama · 19/09/2008 19:24

Well done for putting your foot down about smoking in the house. Perhaps you can help him cut down or stop? Many spliff smokers don't realise they're addicted. I can understand his adamance about nicotine. OIt's very frustrating to see the media portrayal of canabis when nicotine and alcohol do far, far more harm in society than weed could ever begin to.

Overmydeadbody · 19/09/2008 19:25

CatMandu I agree with that last post of yours.

tris - A word of warning

If you refuse to let him smoke in the house be prepared for him to spend most of his free time away from you, out or with his mates, smoking.

I do think it would be a bad move to move in with him when you disagree on such a fundamental issue. It can only end in tears.

Spidermama · 19/09/2008 19:33

On the odd occasion when I smoke spliffs I do so without tobacco. I wouldn't touch tobacco if you paid me.

lardybump · 19/09/2008 19:37

spidermama please excuse my ignorance how do you smoke a spliff without tobacco?

CatMandu · 19/09/2008 19:38

For fear of sounding fawning, I agree with Overmydeadbody's last point too. It's a bit like living with someone who has different political views it'll be very very hard to accept each others view. The fact you've disagreed already demonstrates that.

Spidermama · 19/09/2008 19:46

Well it's leaves ladybump which are dried then can be rolled into rizlas. I guess you're thinking it's all hash (hard brown stuff) which does need something to mix. Unless you have it in a pipe of course.

CatMandu · 19/09/2008 19:48

You can also use a pipe which doesn't involve tobacco - so they tell me .

TheHedgeWitch · 19/09/2008 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

vjg13 · 19/09/2008 19:54

Can you live with him STILL smoking it in the house because he probably will if you are out and the kids are in bed etc.

If he's having a crafty one outside, there are some people who would phone the police about this.

Overmydeadskullandcrossbones · 19/09/2008 19:58

vjg yes and the police would snort at them, and rightly so.

lardybump · 19/09/2008 19:58

Thanks for that spider!!

umberella · 19/09/2008 20:01

tristaleejac, not meaning to hijack your thread, but if it helps here is my experience..

dp smoked when i met him -we moved in together a few years ago and i also smoked now and again (have never bought it, but have shared with other people).

about six months after we moved in i started to get sick of the smell and we agreed he would limit it to one room, it still stank the place out though.

i got pregnant last february and was actually horrified when he lit a joint in our living room after i had broken the news and we had decided to keep the baby.

to cut a long story short, the issue of not smoking in the house turned into a perpetual battle for the length of my pregnancy which was not only unhealthy, but really damaged our relationship. what sort of person would argue about compromising on something like that for the sake of a child? it was so tiring and extremely depressing that we couldn't reach a common ground about it, and that he persistently chose that over us.

DD is now here and nine months old. He finally stopped smoking altogether when she was about five months old. The first five months of her life were spent arriving at the realisation that he actually had a serious dependency on cannabis, and becoming aware of the psychological damage he has suffered as a result of smoking it (in what I felt was moderation) for so long.

He totally withdrew from DD during this time, and isolated me at home to try and force concession on my part (he didn't get it), but he actually behaved so disgustingly -sulks, tempers, days of silence and ignoring me- that i felt in serious danger of having some sort of nervous breakdown. I was recovering from dd's fairly dramatic delivery and it felt like he just abandoned me -worse, in fact, it felt like he persecuted me exactly when i really really needed his support.

I don't know at this point whether 'we' will survive as i still feel totally and utterly betrayed by him and don't know if I will ever actually forgive him or trust him again.

I would really recommend you are absolutely sure he isn't addicted and that you have reached a mutually agreeable arrangement about him not smoking in the house before you move your kids in with him. I'm actually guilt ridden about some of what my DD has witnessed as a result of our clashes over this issue.

policywonk · 19/09/2008 20:01

Depends where you are OMDB - some forces take a zero-tolerance approach. I was a student in York (albeit many moons ago) and the police there were extremely fierce about dope.

I'm not anti-cannabis BTW - I've smoked plenty, and still do sometimes.

Original poster
tristaleejac · 19/09/2008 20:06

umbrella - thanks for sharing and for being so open. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I do fear mine could go the same way, although I live in hope. He has agreed not to do it in the house and seems to be coming out of the sulk and returning to normal self. Hopefully it'll be ok. Fingers crossed. Apart from this particular issue, we get on amazingly well. We are so close.

OP posts:
noonki · 19/09/2008 20:08

He shouldn't smoke in the house fullstop

but are you worried about his cannabis usage... does it negatively affect him?

from experience (mainly mine) some people are fine smoking but, as with alcohol, it screws some people up

if so you need to question him smoking it all (as I would equally suggest if he was an alcoholic)

Twelvelegs · 19/09/2008 20:11

If he loves his cannabis so much that he's not willing to give it up then he has a social addiction. Cannabis is usually pretty habitual and makes people lethargic, crabby in the morning and so on. Cannabis is in itself not that bad but if a man drank every day we would all be alarmed if he is just about to be a responsible parent, I see cannabis as the same.