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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think neighbours shouldn't call police???

57 replies

elle23 · 19/09/2008 11:32

youngest child of three has just turned one but still only got 3 teeth. top one at front proving a bit difficult at moment and obviously DD2 in a lot of pain. Last night she woke and nothing I did seemed to soothe her or help in any way. In fact, she seemed worse with a bit of attention. It was about 5am so I was exhausted and dreading having to get up at 6.30 to look after DS & DD1....at 5.20am I heard knocking on door. Ignored it at first-decided it must be my exhausted brain playing tricks on me. DH then woke up to tell me "someone's knocking on door, take the baby with you to see who it is" wow. Anyway, it was the police-as you'd expect at that time of the morning. Young female officer said she just wanted to make sure there was someone with the baby...! Now I haven't lived in area long, maybe 7 months, but DD2 has always been a little vocal. She's had trouble sleeping through the night and even seems to like screaming and bawling during the day quite a lot. But no one has ever bothered to ask if anything's wrong or even call police before!! DD2 has been known to cry for up to 3 hours in the night. Why would someone call the police?? I've never left DCs on own bfore so it's not like it could be expected. The whole experience left me feeling like I'd done something wrong. I was angry and upset. And DH had to leave for work at 5.30am so I was-and am still-alone to ponder the madness of my neighbours...

OP posts:

PavlovtheCat · 19/09/2008 11:52

Elle23 might be speculating, but so is everyone else!!! Thing is, she can;'t do anything other than speculate as the person who called the police has not made themselves known.

Overmydeadbody · 19/09/2008 11:53

wannaBe is right.

Which is why you really shouldn't be upset or angry over this. Just be glad we actually have a police force who care!

chopchopbusybusy · 19/09/2008 11:53

Maybe they've been considering calling the police for weeks and only just got round to it last night. It's possible they are genuinely concerned about the baby.

Personally, I probably wouldn't have called the police, but it sounds as though you don't have much involvement with your neighbours, so it would have been awkward for them to approach you. I've read loads of threads on here when people are asking "should I call social services?" and the answer is usually yes.

Could you call round to some of them over the next few days and explain that your baby has been doing a lot of crying and the reason why. You might meet some nice people.

Bubbaluv · 19/09/2008 11:53

People who "care" would come around themselves. You would call the police if you had been around, knocked on the door and got no answer.

Original poster

elle23 · 19/09/2008 11:53

overmydeadbody- i agree i shouldn't take it personally. but it was hard not to take it personally at 5.20 this morning...!
I just can't believe people I live next door to actually think I'm capable of such a thing...

OP posts:

purpleduck · 19/09/2008 11:53

Hmm, the neighbors MAY have been concerned, etc, but it sounds a bit suss.

I would knock on the door, or next time you see them have a word..something along the lines of "Sorry if she disturbs you, but she is often inconsolable"

Even if they did "care" - they still made a judgement. I would be fuming.

Overmydeadbody · 19/09/2008 11:54

Pavlov the point is, there is really no point to her speculating, it will only make her feel worse. The only sensible thing to do is for her to put this behind her.

more · 19/09/2008 11:54

I would rather call the police and have them go over to check out the situation.
If awoken in the middle of the night and kept awake by somebody screaming, I would not want to go over and risk being verbally abused/assaulted by some underslept/hormonal/or otherwise woman, or by her violent/underslept etc. etc. man. I am not saying that you were any of these things, but how can anyone really tell, I can't look through walls.
Sorry to me that is one of the reasons you have the police.

Bubbaluv · 19/09/2008 11:55

Maybe stick notes in your neighbours' letterboxes explaining that it is a matter for calpol rather than the police?

Overmydeadbody · 19/09/2008 11:56

elle it may not have been your next door neighbors though, it could have been anyone, or even just the poolice woman passing. Don't hold it against your neighbors.

It could be someone childless with no experience of babies who doesn't know the reality of teething and crying!

I would not go and knock on the door myself, I would call the police if I was worried (as I have done in the past).

MamaG · 19/09/2008 11:57

elle to be fair, you didn't answer the door the first time the police knocked. If your neighbour had knocked once, chances are you wouldn't have answered.

I personally wouldn't go and knock on a neighbour's door in the middle of the night "oh, hi, just seeing if you've left your baby alone"

Don't be upset, try to think they were doing what htey thought was best.

more · 19/09/2008 11:57

Did it not say in the OP though that she has only stayed there for 7 months and do not really know her neighbours? That she keeps herself and her children to themselves?

Overmydeadbody · 19/09/2008 11:58

I'm finding some of the responses to this thread rather strange!

Agree with mamaG and more.

wannaBe · 19/09/2008 12:00

pc would you make it known if you'd called the police on your neighbour because you suspected they might be abusing/neglecting their child? really?

Original poster

elle23 · 19/09/2008 12:01

it's annoying because on one side of me family is being investigated for neglect - their DD (7yrs) has been asking my DS (3yrs) for food through garden fence because "we don't have any in our house" and she has been known to say rather rude things to young boys down the road...neighbours on other side I see occasionally and have explained situation with DD2 and they seemed to understand, also they travel alot so aren't usually home for long periods. Someone did definitely call, it wasn't just the police passing, as the officer said someone had called them so they were just checking if someone was home with the baby... even as I'm writing this I know I have to put it behind me, it's not that big a deal, but in the early hours of the morning everything seems personal! I just hate the fact that I might pass someone on my road and not be able to tell if it was them. I hate people thinking I'm the kind of person to leave a small child at home...I wouldn't be able to walk past anyone without suspecting that it was them who called the police because my baby was crying too much.!

OP posts:

AMutinyInSouthsea · 19/09/2008 12:02

We get threads on "In the News" from time to time, with parents shocked and horrified at how little neighbours have done to alert the authorities to families who are not coping. We can't have it both ways! Either people step in to tell the police or social services about constant crying from a house, or they choose to ignore it and not get involved. Yes, I know they could go round and offer to help, but that's not always an easy option either, given the headlines about people being killed for intervening in other people's lives.

So, yes it's uncomfortable having the police ask if everything's ok, but they didn't treat you badly - just checked and moved on.

Original poster

elle23 · 19/09/2008 12:04

more- it's not that i keep myself and family to ourselves. I have gone to mother and baby groups, and other various groups in the area but people just don't seem to want to let 'outsiders' in. which is why it's so hard for me to believe that they care about the welfare of my children

OP posts:

AmIWhatAndWhy · 19/09/2008 12:05

Gosh it's tricky. I'd say best to err on the side of caution.

A couple of years ago we had neighbours with a little girl, just under 2 years old. We are in a split level flat above a ahop and share a hallway with our downstairs neighbours. One day I could hear the little girl crying for what seemed like an age, I then heard banging on the front door of their flat, this went on for about 5 minutes and the crying got really urgent. I went and knocked and the little girl was behind the door, knocking and yelling 'mummy'. I asked where her mummy was but she was obviously too young to reply. at this point I got really concerned so went to the shop below as they are the landlords of that flat and said I was worried the mother had had an accident. The manager dashed up with the key and there was no one in but the toddler, he was about to call the police when the mother came through the door with shopping bags. She looked so alarmed, andtold us she'd just been getting shopping from the car.

I totally didn't believe it, the little girl had been crying for a really long time, but I thought it wasn't my business to say anything. I'm not sure what is anything happened but they moved out a month later, I do wonder though and wish we'd called the police in the first place.

NineYearsOfNappies · 19/09/2008 20:00

YABU.

Horrible experience for you, and I really really do sympathise. But, what if you hadn't been the caring responsible mother you know yourself to be? Apart from anything else, if you have a neighbour who is already being investigated for neglect whoever called may not even have realised it was your baby, they might have thought it was the same family (yes I know you know they don't have a baby but even so).

You know that you are beyond reproach (and i'm not suggesting in any way that you did anything wrong btw). But your neighbours don't - again, not your fault, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Someone was worried about a child and they did something about it. That's a good thing surely?

If it helps, I have had a similar experience.

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/09/2008 20:08

I'm sorry, but if I lived next door to you and heard a baby crying for as long as you report - 30 - 40 minutes, or up to 3 hours, then I would think there was a child being neglected as well.

As people don't generally like to get involved, they've probably been putting off doing anything - presumably last night was 'the straw that broke the camel's back'.

I think YABU. They were looking out for your children.

And I'd be pretty pissed off, to be brutally honest, if your children were crying and bawling so much. I would also wonder what was going on.

dilemma456 · 19/09/2008 20:08

Message withdrawn

Reallytired · 19/09/2008 20:09

It does seem a bit malicous to call the police.

Still if the crying is really that bad, have you taken your child to the GP. It should be possible to contol teething pain with paracentol and ibroprofen.

I remember my son screaming all night inspite of medication. His ear drum perforated.

LaVie · 19/09/2008 20:27

When we were on holiday this year our ds had a really bad night and nothing we did would stop his screams.

Cue knock on door from the couple in the next room. They were really nice, just checking to see everything ok. I think they thought that the baby had been left and this made me feel like crying myself, as if we'd leave ds in a hotel room on his own!

I got quite indignant with them but when I'd calmed down (and ds had stopped screaming!) I did appreciate what they had done.

I don't think I would have called the police though, I would've probably just knocked on the door myself.

FunkyNora · 19/09/2008 20:41

Elle, I know you have said that you have now put this behind you, BUT I just wanted to say that in my opinion it does not logically follow that the person who called the police assumed anything negative about you or your care of your child.

When I was pregnant with DS, DD called out in her sleep and i jumped out of bed to get to her. I suffered from SPD at the time and buckled under my own weight. I was unable to get up and DD was screaming in her bed. It was between 3 and 4 am and DP had been out. He returned home after some time, I had blacked out at some point and all I remember was him kneeling over me when i came round. I later learned that our neighbour had called his mobile as they were concerned. They said if they hadnt had his number, they would have called the police.

I dont think you should challenge your neighbours, no matter how subtly its done. I dont think it'd help to make a counter-assumption. Please see your situation as not being a judgement on you, but about your neighbour having your childs best interest at heart. I think that's what's important in this. Im sorry that you have a difficult time with your child's teething; I really know how frustrating, mentally and physically exhausing it can be.

Ripeberry · 19/09/2008 20:45

I would be glad if my neighbours called the police.
What if you had collapsed or something? They have to check these things out.
But also i'm amazed your DC can cry that long [smile}.
Did you try some Calpol or teething gel?
Hope you have a better night tonight.

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