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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being angry with other people's children and letting them know it - is this unreasonable or not?

52 replies

eekamoose · 18/09/2008 19:25

I have been pondering this all day.

I picked up DD from a friend's house, there were several other children there. There was a bit of horseplay and something belonging to host's mum got broken. The two girls who did it didn't own up but ran out to play in the garden. When host mum saw what had happened she was very upset (it was something precious to her that had got broken). She asked DD what had happened, DD told her, she went out and had a word with the other two girls along the lines of "I'm upset you didn't tell me you'd broken this".

Then today she phoned the mums at work and let them know what had happened. One of the mums was very apologetic, the other one got upset!

I can't work out whether this is OTT or not? I kind of think it isn't and feel very sad for my friend, as now she thinks she has made enemies of these other two mums.

WWYD in this situation? The children concerned are all 7 btw.

OP posts:

traceybath · 18/09/2008 21:13

I'd have thought a stern word from the mother whose item was broken was enough.

Where was her daughter when all this was going on?

My DS is 4 though and i've one friend who just lets her children clamber all over my furniture, wander round dropping food/drink everywhere - it drives me mad. I guess some people just have different standards.

I'd like to think that at 7 my son would apologise and actually feel sorry too.

cornsilk · 18/09/2008 21:55

If my chn broke something by accident I am pretty sure they would own up and say sorry. They are very good at that. However I wouldn't be cross with them as it would be an accident so what is there to be cross about? Is the op's friend cross with them for breaking the object or for not confessing, as they are 2 separate things IMO.

Original poster

eekamoose · 18/09/2008 22:07

Cornsilk - I think I've said it twice now, or maybe three times, friend is more concerned that the girls did not admit to what they had done and said sorry, rather than breaking something by accident.

At the same time, she is sad that this precious object was broken. Should she hide this just to save the feelings of the kids? (I don't think so. I think they are old enough to know that adults can be sad/angry and not always have to spare other people's feelings just because they are children.)

OP posts:

1dilemma · 18/09/2008 22:15

If it was my dcs breaking things I would def. want to know

re being called at work it would depend why if that was the only number she had (sounds unlikely)then fine,but I have a job that can be quite difficult to interrupt and switch in and out of so I would prefer at home later in evening

mabanana · 18/09/2008 22:20

Honestly? If I was called at work to be told off for something my daughter did by accident, I would feel very taken aback, rather flustered, and probably vow then and there that my daughter wouldn't go there to play again as it is too much hassle.

Original poster

eekamoose · 18/09/2008 22:35

I guess thats what she's worried about Mabanana. I hope that the mums concerned could have a bit of empathy with her (even if they secretly think she's being a bit OTT).

OP posts:

cornsilk · 18/09/2008 22:39

Well with not knowing what was broken, the circumstances in which this happened and the reaction of the chn afterwards (I know they ran in the garden but were they scared, laughing etc?) I would think it was OTT. However it's difficult to judge as I wasn't there.

mabanana · 18/09/2008 22:39

I would probably worry that she was neurotic and likely to call me to moan about anything my daughter did, even if she didn't mean it. I am being completely honest here, as it is all anonymous. I would also worry might also suspect she was after financial compensation or at the very least a grovelling apology, and might feel very about it. Sorry.

Blu · 18/09/2008 22:42

Still putting a lot onto 7 y.os.

Did they lie / deny it when she went out and spoke to them? Active denial - v bad, but not sur about simply failing to mention it.

I think lots of 7 year olds would have difficulty knowing the exact etiquette required if you accidentally break something (that to them probably looks v insignificant anyway).

I would want to b very very apologetic if DS broke something of somone elss, and would be fine it I wee told matter-of-factly or as part of the general de-brief of the visit...but would probably not be hapy being rung up at work.

And if it were my thing broken - I would say Not A Word to the parent - but would have told the childen I was upset.

And was her own child completely uninvolved in whatever happened to cause the breakage?

Blu · 18/09/2008 22:44

mmm, yes, I might well avoid visits in future, feeling something of what mabana says.

mabanana · 18/09/2008 22:45

Yes, v suss that only the guest kids are getting the blame here.
Can you imagine how nervous you'd be sending your kid to play somewhere where the host parent is likely to ring you up next day at work to harangue you. My dd would really have to be close to this girl to go back.

cornsilk · 18/09/2008 22:52

Agree with mabanana.
Does she like these chn?

Original poster

eekamoose · 18/09/2008 22:52

I see what you're saying.

Her child was not even in the room when it happened. I was. A cushion was thrown and a fragile object got broken. I've no doubt at all the girls were embarrassed. But she was right to say something to them, no? And their parents? some of you think not. I think the fact that they were at work is irrelevant. They both happen to be working parents so they were at work when she called them on their mobiles. They could just have easily been at home.

The Mum friend was close to tears about it today. She may have misjudged. I'm not sure. I wouldn't do what she did but that doesn't necessarily mean I think she was wrong.

OP posts:

Soapbox · 18/09/2008 22:55

I would think she was completely nuts

Anyone with children of this kind of age knows that accidents happen. We never make a fuss in this house where things get broken or damaged as a result of an accident. Purposeful damage is different!

We've all broken stuff in our house, adult and child alike. We don't sweat the small stuff! What is done is done, now let's move on!

Visiting children are as much guests in our house as visiting adults, and are treated as such. When the guest washing up broke one of our lovely champagne glasses (also a wedding gift) should I have upbraided her for her carelessness?

The poor children were probably a pretty good judge of her unhospitable character and were probably scared to own up!

I'd be absolutely flummoxed (and probably really pissed off at being disturbed) if someone called me at work with such a petty and unreasonable piece of feedback. And I would not hold back in telling her so.

My children would certainly not be gracing her with their presence again and I'd be giving her a very wide berth too!

Original poster

eekamoose · 18/09/2008 22:56

I am absolutely certain without any doubt whatsoever that she did not "harangue" the girl's mums, mabanana. I think she just wanted them to know what had happened.

Of course she likes these children! She invites them to play with her DD regularly. She is a generous host to children and adults alike.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 18/09/2008 23:00

I really don't understand why it is so important for their parents to know about this. Something was broken by accident and they ran away. Would she have reacted like this over a mug being knocked over and broken?

Uriel · 18/09/2008 23:00

She should have moved the object beforehand.

mabanana · 18/09/2008 23:01

I would feel harangued if someone called me to tell me that my child had broken something. What did she want the parents to do, exactly? The girls were only throwing a cushion, not a half-brick.

mabanana · 18/09/2008 23:02

I think it will probably blow over, and what is done is done, but I think it was petty to ring to complain.

mrsruffallo · 18/09/2008 23:07

I agree woth mabanana here.
I would not mind her having a stern word with my daughter, but if she phoned me to reiterate the incident I would wonder what her intentions were.
And I agree that I probably wouldn't send my child back due to mothers over reaction.

mrsruffallo · 18/09/2008 23:08

Why does your friend feel it was necessary to inform the oparents?

loobeylou · 18/09/2008 23:10

I personally would want to know, and would do the same (perhaps not ring at work tho)

there are 2 issues here

first, respect for other peoples property, so play in an approprite manner. If the host felt the object was OK to have out where her own kids play its not unreasonable for her to leave it out when guests come. the only exception I would sensibly make to this is if hosting a party with lots of people and movement - might even move some things if just ADULTS were attending then!!

second is the honesty issue. Those kids were old enough to know to own up. My DDs (Y4 and Y2) have always been taught that honesty is the best policy and that we will always be more annoyed if they are not truthful about something than about the original incident.I would hope that kids this age have the capacity to empathise and feel sorry for their actions accident or not.

We also practice the little seen concept of making amends, so whilst I would NOT punish them for an accident, I would expect them to apologise and perhaps make a card or take some flowers to the host mum. Society is full of people who want to take no responsibility for their actions, they have to learn young.

Wondering now if there is another reason for not wanting to own up, perhaps family experience of parents being OTT, could be poss if other mum was OTT in her objections to the phone call, not sure whther it was anger and having her DC maligned or anger at the child for doing it? Might the child have been genuinely SCARED of the consequences?

Twiglett · 18/09/2008 23:11

I'm sorry but what kind of pathetic excuse for a mother cries because she's told her 7 year old has behaved in a less than perfect manner at a friend's house?

am with the person who called the parents to let them know .. I'd want to know if DS ran off without owning up and apologising to an accident and would be really apologetic too

Twiglett · 18/09/2008 23:16

that was overly harsh .. sorry

MrsThierryHenry · 18/09/2008 23:24

I'd have spoken to the mums - I do tell other children if they're behaving naughtily (e.g pushing little ones in the playground). I'd be happy if someone else did the same to my DS - in a kind but firm way, as I do.

Don't think I'd call another mum though, it's hardly an earth-shattering event, is it?

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