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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that there's such a thing as being 'too married'?

52 replies

Treeny · 17/09/2008 12:02

Am v happily married to DH but we don't do everything together, and we do have some separate 'space'. But I know a few couples where there don't seem to be any dividing lines at all - they share email addresses and even text messages. While I have no objection to DH reading my email or my texts (though would find it a bit weird if he did it while I wasn't around), I think it's quite reasonable for people to think they are sending a message to one of you, not either/or.

I have a close friend who shares an email address with her DH, and I realised while I was staying with them recently that he opens her emails and reads them out to her! (She is not visually impaired, I hasten to add.) While I'm not sending emails that are rude about him or even especially confidential, I now feel slightly weird and self-conscious about emailing, knowing that this is how she receives them!

Also, same friend's DH thinks nothing of opening new text messages on her phone (yes, she just about manages to have her own mobile phone) - and replying on her behalf! I don't just mean she's in the bath or similar and asks him to do it for her - he does it before she's even seen the message.

AIBU to think this is just going too far? Some people really do seem to think that they and their OH are one and the same - and while I'm all for happy-couple-dom, isn't it OK to think that you can contact a married friend without their OH always being part of the conversation?

OP posts:

hecate · 17/09/2008 12:05

yes you are. Each to their own. What's right for you isn't necessarily what's right for everyone else. Your way is only the best way for you.

OrmIrian · 17/09/2008 12:07

Personally I would find it very hard, but I do know people like this who are happy enough.

I prefer to have some sort of dividing line between us.

Gateau · 17/09/2008 12:07

YABU. Just because it's not your way doesn't make it wrong.
But I can see how it can be annoying at times.

norksinmywaistband · 17/09/2008 12:07

You could ring and speak to her.

Dh and I are not in each others pockets at all but I will sometimes say can you just check that msg for me.and often he will reply - normally something he knows will elicit a response from the sendee.
I do have my own e-mail and while I know he knows the password and me for his we do not look.

Everyone is different so yes YABU to expect everyone to live their life as you do

sleepycat · 17/09/2008 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowleopard · 17/09/2008 12:13

I do know what you mean, and I don't think YABU because when a couple is like this it can impact on their friends. Of course it's up to them, but personally I hate emailing a friend if they share an email address with their OH. I do think we chat to friends about all sorts and wouldn't always want our partners in the room - so why would you share email?

I know a couple I consider "too married" and what bugs me is she won't go out without him. We have girly crafting nights and want to invite her, but she always eants to being her DH. Then it ends up turning into a big do with everyone's DH involved in order to keep her DH occupied. PITA.

Original poster

Treeny · 17/09/2008 12:13

OK. Unreasonable to expect to have a private exchange with any married friend. Got the message.

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 17/09/2008 12:13

We have a shared e-mail, or rather it started off being mine and has become the whole family's address. Neither of the DCs use it, so it is only my DH who sees it.

Also, I work from home, and my work PC is the one that DH uses for his own private stuff, so he sees and reads (if he's that bothered) all of my e-mail.

I only realise the other day that I have no way of receiving anything privately! It doesn't really bother me to be honest.

But we're also independent within our relationship and have separate nights out with our own friends, so think the balance is probably OK.

If I was really bothered about private e-mail I'd set up another one that only goes to my BlackBerry I suppose. Otherwise I use skype quite a lot with friends who have that.

FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2008 12:15

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2008 12:15

Message withdrawn

snowleopard · 17/09/2008 12:16

I don't think me and DP have anything to hide either - we could easily read each other's email if we really wanted to. But that doesn't mean I want to share everything with him. A friend might be chatting to me about gory details of her labour or not-widely-broadcast TTC plans or her feelings about her partner who DP knows, etc etc. It's good to have a basic level of privacy where DP won't just happen across that kind of thing.

snowleopard · 17/09/2008 12:19

Come back Treeny, you got a YANBU from me!

hecate · 17/09/2008 12:19

You asked for opinions, opinions is what you got! I don't understand why you're cross about that. If you didn't want opinions, why did you ask for them?

FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2008 12:19

Message withdrawn

snowleopard · 17/09/2008 12:20

Exactly cod. They choose to share every little detail with their OH, that means you as their friend have to watch your step.

Fimbo · 17/09/2008 12:21

My friend shares with her dh. He uses it for works stuff too. I have lost count of the number of times, she hasn't respond to an email, or doesn't get it, because he has been whipping through his work stuff and accidently deleted them. Drives me mad. I want to shake her.

She is in and out at different times of the day to me, so a quick email is easier than phoning.

FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2008 12:22

Message withdrawn

FioFio · 17/09/2008 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Treeny · 17/09/2008 12:24

Am not cross! Meant to be tongue-in-cheek but doesn't come across v well on-line. I think I probably worded the OP wrong - question wasn't really 'are they unreasonable to share email', but 'AIBU to expect to be able to send a message that goes just to my friend and not her DH'.

As Snowleopard says - it's not about having something to hide, but just not wanting to share every little detail with both halves of a couple.

OP posts:

snowleopard · 17/09/2008 12:25

And in the case of my "too married" friend, you can't have a girly night that includes her. If she comes, or if it's at her place, you have to have her DH literally in the room. It's weird because he doesn't seem abusive or controlling - it's her that wants it that way.

Fimbo · 17/09/2008 12:25

Poor old plopper

FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2008 12:25

Message withdrawn

thesockmonsterofdoom · 17/09/2008 12:26

dh and I have one mobile phone and 1 email account, we even only have 1 face book account. dont see the problem, if someone wants just one of us they phone.
we spend as much time together as we can and get upset when we have to spend time apart.

Surfermum · 17/09/2008 12:28

We use one email address, both (but mainly me) read them and we read each others texts and I open the vast majority of post to both of us. Doesn't strike me as strange.

But then I don't tend to do major communication via text or email, if a friend wants to share something private with me or vice versa we meet or chat on the phone.

It's odd though ... he irritates the hell out of me when he reads over my shoulder when I'm on here .

I think that if it suits the couple and they're happy with it then it's fine. There's no right or wrong way.

FluffyMummy123 · 17/09/2008 12:31

Message withdrawn

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