to think seven is too young for boarding school? long!

[nowirehangers]

I honestly would love some people to tell me IABU and explain to me why going to boarding school at seven is not a bad thing because I am truly baffled by this
OK, so dh has an old friend from uni, very sweet guy if a bit screwed up married to a very high achieving wife: head girl, first from Oxford, kick-ass city career etc
She has two dds aged 3 and about four months. When she was pg with her dd1 she made a big deal about how she was going back to work full time and getting a full-time live-in nanny. Fair enough, I thought, as I work part time myself and have a nanny I am certainly not one to judge.
But the other day when chatting at a party about the pros and cons of bringing up dds in London, she said "Well, of course it won't be a problem for us because I'm sending dd1 to boarding school when she's seven"
I thought she was joking and laughed but she went on "No, you see, dh works very long hours and I don't think dd1 will have much fun in the evenings stuck at home with just me and dd2 for company. I think she'll have much more fun at boarding school."
She went on to say she'd started boarding school at eight and loved it and then told me about a friend who'd just sent her ds to boarding school at seven because he found his younger siblings boring and cried whenever his parents went out in the evening saying 'be with me'. They thought he'd be happier surrounded all the time by his contemporaries.
Now am i getting this all wrong? It strikes me seven is WAY too young to be sent away from your parents. The wanting to be with friends all the time thing comes much later, as I recall, and even when it does children still need far more parental input and contact than they think they do.
Or maybe not.
The whole thing seems even screwier in tnat she's always said she wants four dcs, despite - her words - not being maternal - in the slightest. Her dh works ludicrous hours as a lawyer partly because he needs a lucrative career to afford boarding school fees for four. It seems a bit of a catch 22 since she's partly blaming his long hours for the fact the children need to be sent away at the earliest possible opportunity.
I just feel really sad for their sweet little girl. The mum added she'd really miss her but it would be in her daughter's best interests so she'd have to bite her lip and put up with it.
Please someone tell me that going to boarding school so young can be a positive thing and this woman is talking sense. Because right now I think she's a loony and it's really getting me down.

[mytetherisending]

The ironic thing for me was that I left the RAF because I couldn't think about leaving any dcs I had for 6mths tour . That was before having them. I would miss them loads but if they wanted to go I would let them iyswim.

[SilkCutMama]

Hve not read any of this thread - but thought I would add my two penneth

Any age is too young for boarding school

I cannot think of any reason why boarding school would be a good option AT ANY AGE

[mytetherisending]

silkcutmama I suggest you go away and read my earlier posts.

[SilkCutMama]

Ok- I have "gone away" and read some of your posts and I'm afraid I have still not changed my mind

I cannot and never will agree with boarding school

I think that nothing can replace coming home each night to a loving parent/parents

[gabygirl]

however, for her long term health and wellbeing (since socio-economic status is closely linked with health)

What - you think that not sending a child to boarding school might result in them becoming an educational failure, thus relegating them to manual and low paid work for the rest of their lives?

All the research backs up the view that the children of educated professional parents who are engaged and supportive of their kid's schooling do very well - in day school, boarding or even in ordinary state schools. My dd will go to the local scuzzy comprehensive because that's the only option we have right now. I fully expect her to achieve and to make her way to university in time, if that's what she wants and if she's bright enough. Most of my friends were educated in ordinary, non-selective state schools and they've all managed to do well in life. The one thing they all share are families who support them and who value education.

But to a certain extent I can see your point about your dd. As you're not going to be around for her better she be cared for by someone else who will take an interest in her.

I'd prefer to be there for my child myself. My dd doesn't have a chance to do loads of activities like drama, music and riding, but that's because we don't have any money, not because we don't have the time to organise them for her. She's happy enough and busy with her friends, her books, her choir practice and her art (she's a one child picture factory). Really can't see how she would be happier or better off being at boarding school, but then we are quite a happy family who enjoy being together more than we enjoy being apart.

[mytetherisending]

Blatantly you haven't read my posts in which I make it clear that in todays society the 'loving' parents are out at work when the child comes in, they have to make their own meals/healthy and are generally unsupervised and are often out,? knows where when parents get home. Hence a society with lots of yobs in it.

You think uprooting a child away from friends and disrupting their education is a better option for a child with Army/Navy/RAF parents who potentially can both be deployed at the same time? Where do the children live then if extended family isn't an option ?

[mytetherisending]

Quite possibly if they have to go to 3 secondary schools all with different orders of cirriculum. They also have the extra stress of trying to make new friends every couple of years and therefore are more likely to fail GCSE's, not go to college/uni and therefore be more limited in their choice of career, leading to a lower socio-economic status. This can lead to poorer standards of housing and food due to cost (proven fact) and therefore have worse health. Not to mention the added stress of having little money to make ends meet leading to depression/stress.

[SilkCutMama]

I'm really sorry but nothing will ever convince me that boarding school is right.

If one has children why would you only see them for X weeks per year?

I really can see no argument for this being ok

I'm not meaning to offend you btw - this is merely my opinion and I don't want to cause offence

[mytetherisending]

gabygirl Unfortunately my DH is in the Army for the long haul. I did not choose his career. To imply I don't 'take an interest' in her is quite frankly very insulting considering you don't know me and presumably have no experience of forces lifestyle. We will be 'around' for her, as you so bluntly put it. On the phone, internet, letters and she will be home every weekend/holiday if she goes. I also pointed out that she will have the choice to go and the choice to come home if she doesn't like it.

BTW through me not 'being around' for her and not 'taking an interest' she is an exceptionally bright talkative 2.6yo according to the HV

[mytetherisending]

SilkCutMama So answer the question 'who looks after the children of forces personel when their parents are deployed?' Be mindful that many are single parents.

[mytetherisending]

I do have to make it clear that its not about private ed, merely stability. I too agree that children who stay 5yrs in a comprehensive will do just as well as those in private ed given the same motivation and intelligence iyswim.

[SilkCutMama]

I'm afraid that I would find any way

Parents

Change job

But I would NEVER send my children to boarding school

I really cannot see how this can be healty for any child

Once again I am sorry and not wanting to cause you offence
I am merely stating an opinion

[stitch]

i am late to this, so am probably saying things that have already been said.
it is not always wrong to send a seven year old to boarding school. it is not the prefererd option imo, but there are situations where it can be the more suitable solution.

[mytetherisending]

Not everyone has parents who can care for children, infirmity/ work/ unsuitable as parents themselves iyswim and very common with forces blokes. Many leave home to escape bad parents.

The other problem is that in the Army you can't just leave. It takes at least a year to get out.

Another problem is that because you don't have the stability of living in one area, most of the time friends are people who you have only known a few years. Regardless they cannot be expected to care for the child for 6mths. Sorry that you really don't understand.

For many forces families leaving the services equates to nowhere to live because they rent a married quarter and have no house elsewhere. Would you loose your house and job?

[jcscot]

mytetherisending - well said. As a fellow Army wife with a similarly career-focused husband who's in it for the long haul, I understand completely. We're currently doing the weekly commuting thing while the boys are young (1 at 2 yrs and 1 at 2 mths) so that I have help and support from my parents as well as continuing care for me for a thorny medical problem.

However, as my husband rapidly approaches the Pink list point, we'll face fortnightly commuting or a move back into MQs. If he goes OS, then we'll have to move with him. I'd definitely like to keep the boys with us through primary education but if we're still following the drum when they hit secondary school, then we'll have to bite the bullet and send them to baording school.

While I understand why some people are anti-boarding school, for others (like those of us in the Forces) it is the better of two evils.

As for leaving the Army, well point us in the direction of a similarly well-paid job guaranteed until the age of 55, with like-minded people, the variety and excitement to stimulate an active mind and body as well as a fab social life for all the family and all the community support you could wish for and my husband and I would sign up!

[lottiejenkins]

My ds is 12 he went to a residential school for deaf children when he was just 7 and he loves it, he gets to do so much with all the other children. I have never regretted sending him and never will.

[marmadukescarlet]

LOL @ hoovering up food and having poor table manners, my DH down to a T. He left boarding decades ago! (He is so ancient there WAS fagging when he was there.)

Well since my previous post that stated both by DH and I were unhappy and, despite many friends from our social circle doing so, I would not board my young childre...

My DS has a severe and complex language disorder (linked to CP and other problems), he will (hopefully) be attending a local language unit BUT when he reaches 9 they may no longer be able to help him. There is def nowhere locally for him to go after 11 - in fact there are only 3 schools in the country that can cater for his requirements.

I was told yesterday to expect to move house or send him to boarding school.

[cory]

mytetherisending on Mon 15-Sep-08 22:30:25
"Blatantly you haven't read my posts in which I make it clear that in todays society the 'loving' parents are out at work when the child comes in, they have to make their own meals/healthy and are generally unsupervised and are often out,? knows where when parents get home. Hence a society with lots of yobs in it."

Well having read them doesn't mean we have to believe them, not if we see something different around every day. Caring parents, on good terms with their teenagers, families that pull together, neighbours that help out in a crisis- I see this sort of thing every day. I don't have to disbelieve my eyes, just because the newspapers say something different.

"In today's society" is a gross generalisation. I don't parent like that and I don't know anyone who does. My point with wanting to keep my children at home is that I genuinely enjoy their company. I want to eat dinner with them in the evening; I want us to do things together at weekends; I like it when their friends come round. And when problems arise, I want to be around in case they need to talk.

Though I have to admit that I would expect teenage children to take a hand in preparing meals- this seems to me essential training for adulthood. Being waited on by cooks, cleaners and matrons is not the experience I want my children to have when they go through their teens.

And I also would expect them to gradually spend some time outside without adult supervision. I have good reasons to want this: I am a university teacher. I see what happens to youngsters who arrive at uni with no previous experience of being away from adult supervision. It's a miracle that most of them survive Freshers' week- but frankly, not all of them do.

As I have explained beforehand, I think boarding school is an excellent alternative to people who cannot provide what they want for their children at home. Being in the Forces is precisely the situation where boarding school might be a very good choice- and many posters have specifically pointed this out.

But the OP made it very clear that this was not about that kind of situation. We are talking about parents who have a choice whether they spend time with their children or not. I can't tell whether they are making the wrong choice or not, but it would seem that in this situation there would be an alternative.

I just don't think the Forces discussion is relevant to this thread, as that is one on which we all agree. If my dh were in the Forces, no doubt I would do the same thing. But I wouldn't feel the need to tell people who weren't faced with this situation that in today's society they are bound to be raising yobs.

[floaty]

My ds2 (11) goes to a school for children with specific learning difficulties.When we went to look at the school ,I (who had been very happy boarding myself)sobbed all the way home even though it was clearly the right place for ds ,dh who had always been of the "over my dead body"attitude to boarding was and still is complete convert.

It isn't what either of us would have wanted in an ideal world but the world is not ideal.Faced with the prospect of the bottom set for everything with little or no in class support at our local school or the sort of one to one attention he gets at his school it is a no brainer.My job as a parent is to make sure that ds has the best chance to fulfil his potential and be a full participating member of society .That was not going to happen in mainstream school for him.

He goes on Monday in time for school and finishes just after lunch on Friday,he has very long holidays and we try to make the best of them.The start was difficult but now in his second year he is having a ball,he has made three years academic progress in one ,he knows he can succeeed ,he loves the comunity aspect,he is a member of the school council and a stalwart of the gardening club .Watching him with his friends ,he is relaxed and happy,sometimes I feel like they have given me back my little boy .To get this he has to board ...life is full of hard choices

[lottiejenkins]

Floaty i know how you feel........My husband died when my son was five so i was all on my own when he went away to school. When my friend and i took him he was fine. He waved at me and signed see you on Friday Mummy.... he didnt see me cry i saved that till i got into thec car then cried to the M25.

[debzmb62]

i would never send my kids to boarding school
why have kids if you want to send them away !! what happens if the child is poorly god forbid seriously
there nothing like seding the kids to school and them coming home after
god i,d go mad not seeing them everyday

[lottiejenkins]

Debz some people (ie me) sned their children away to get the best education they can for their children. My son would never have progressed in the schools round here. He gets to do far more there than i can ever offer him here. He has progressed so much in the last five years and im proud and pleased that he had the chance to go there. He comes home to me every weekend and he cant wait to come home and equally cant wait to go back either.

[floaty]

I don't want to send my child away but i felt I had no choice,ultimately it is not about what is best for me or how I would miss him it is about what is best for him.How could I look him in the eye at 18 when he has no qualifications and no job and say that I could have done something that would allow him to have so many more optoins in life .His needs are complex and locally the options are very limited.This is not a decision we have taken lightly,I miss him dreadfully but like i say life is full of hard choices and I may not be around forever and he should have the chance to be what he wants to be adn do what he wants to do in lfe ...I know that 5 years in a 1700 pupil local school with no statement would not have given him those choices

Yes of course i worry if he is ill or has a bad dream etc but there are only 56 in his whole school,the pastoral care is good and at the slightest sign of trouble they are on the phome and I am only an hour away.He can call home in teh evening but rarely does ...I'm too busy Mum