to think seven is too young for boarding school? long!

[nowirehangers]

I honestly would love some people to tell me IABU and explain to me why going to boarding school at seven is not a bad thing because I am truly baffled by this
OK, so dh has an old friend from uni, very sweet guy if a bit screwed up married to a very high achieving wife: head girl, first from Oxford, kick-ass city career etc
She has two dds aged 3 and about four months. When she was pg with her dd1 she made a big deal about how she was going back to work full time and getting a full-time live-in nanny. Fair enough, I thought, as I work part time myself and have a nanny I am certainly not one to judge.
But the other day when chatting at a party about the pros and cons of bringing up dds in London, she said "Well, of course it won't be a problem for us because I'm sending dd1 to boarding school when she's seven"
I thought she was joking and laughed but she went on "No, you see, dh works very long hours and I don't think dd1 will have much fun in the evenings stuck at home with just me and dd2 for company. I think she'll have much more fun at boarding school."
She went on to say she'd started boarding school at eight and loved it and then told me about a friend who'd just sent her ds to boarding school at seven because he found his younger siblings boring and cried whenever his parents went out in the evening saying 'be with me'. They thought he'd be happier surrounded all the time by his contemporaries.
Now am i getting this all wrong? It strikes me seven is WAY too young to be sent away from your parents. The wanting to be with friends all the time thing comes much later, as I recall, and even when it does children still need far more parental input and contact than they think they do.
Or maybe not.
The whole thing seems even screwier in tnat she's always said she wants four dcs, despite - her words - not being maternal - in the slightest. Her dh works ludicrous hours as a lawyer partly because he needs a lucrative career to afford boarding school fees for four. It seems a bit of a catch 22 since she's partly blaming his long hours for the fact the children need to be sent away at the earliest possible opportunity.
I just feel really sad for their sweet little girl. The mum added she'd really miss her but it would be in her daughter's best interests so she'd have to bite her lip and put up with it.
Please someone tell me that going to boarding school so young can be a positive thing and this woman is talking sense. Because right now I think she's a loony and it's really getting me down.

[kitbit]

I went to boarding school from 10-18 and loved it. It suited me, and I have a very strong bond and relationship with my parents. I would say even in that best case scenario though, with me really liking it and thriving there, 7 would have been far too young. You are still going through the early part of forming your character and values, knowing who you are and your place in the world, it's too early to have that mixed up with the wider influence of living full time with so many diverse people.

If she's really that worried she should get a live in nanny who can be a substitute if she really feels her dd won't be getting enough stimulation or attention.

[jcscot]

Hmmm. While I think that boarding school can be a horrific experience for some children, for others it's a great thing for them. It all depends on the personality of the child and the circumstances of the family.

At the moment, I wouldn't consider sending either of the boys to boarding school. We're settled here for now and they have stability and security with family around them. However, we may face the choice of boarding school in the future as my husband's career carries on. Most of the people we know through my husband's job board their children - it's a necessity, rather than an 'ideal' choice.

YANBU to think that seven might be too young but YABU to judge your friend - it's her business and there may be things in her life you don't know about/haven't considered.

[Romy7]

very common for forces families in certain situations to send dcs to boarding school before secondary.
personal choice. i think parents will look at their dcs and know if they will be able to cope or not - she sounds as though she is looking at it from both her pov and the child's tbh and i wouldn't dream of criticising her decision... too young for mine, and i would probably rather they didn't board, but who knows what the future will bring. i've seen lots of dcs arrive o'seas to visit their parents from school, carrying all their wordly goods. lovely kids, fiercely independent, and all with loving families.
each to their own.
have never seen any of them in any way distressed boarding the flights to go back to school. parents more distressed than the kids normally!
i'd have just said 'gosh, that must be hard!' and asked her baout her school choices - it would have been interesting to have had a conversation about what she was looking for in a school that would have replaced that aspect of family life...

[marmadukescarlet]

My DH boarded (weekly) from 7, his mother boarded from 4 (termly) so saw nothing wrong with it .

It has seriously affected him emotionally, particularly as the school was close enough to home to be a day boy and his sisters didn't board.

I boarded for a bit, but I didn't like it.

I have many friends who send their children off at 7, I find it so sad.

I wouldn't let DC board as I would miss them too much.

[gabygirl]

I'd want to add that at both the boarding schools I went to the people who were in charge of the girls outside of school hours were, almost without exception, quite odd people. It's not a very attractive job. You live in, you're on duty morning and night, and it's not particularly well paid. I honestly can't think why anyone with a family of their own would want to do it, and if they haven't got a family of their own you wonder how well placed they are to look after other people's children, give that in effect they're in 'loco parentis'.

I look back on my time in boarding school and remember not ever being hugged or kissed or even touched in a loving way by an adult, for months at a time as my parents were abroad and I only went home during holidays. And that was devastating for an 11 year old who'd been a real 'mummy's girl' before starting school.

At the time all three of us said we were 'fine' at school. I never told my mum that I had panic attacks at night on returning after each holiday at home. My sister was very badly bullied when she first started boarding. She was 11 and nobody talked to her for a whole term, her first term away from her family. Honestly I think it's at the route of many of the emotional problems my sister has had as an adult.

[Blu]

My cousin went to boarding school at 8, and i was telling this to my DS, 7, yesterday. He is a confident, sociable child..and was horrified that children would go to boarding schools at 7 or 8, and without any prompting form me, said he thought it 'cruel'.

As a child I used to fantasise about the presumed 'adventure' and indepndence of boardiong - and i guess most people avidly reading all those 'boarding school novels' might have done too.

Now, if DP#s job involved him going from place to place overseas, I would stay in one place with DS and let hi, the adult, be 'sent away' fo work.

I was wondering why all those women followed thier husbands to India etc and left their children for a year at a time, in many cases.

[mummydoc]

my dd has boarded the odd night from 7 and loves it but she knows that she can opt to come home if she doesn't want to stay, now she is nearly 9 and has chosen to board 2 nights a week regularly, for some children it can be a better experience than being in a fairly loveless home, if you are left with ananny all the time , and do not see much of mummy and daddy than a good baording school may well give you more stability .my dds school is warm, nurturing and fun, the children are loved, hugged , cuddled etc read stories, have cocoa in bed etc ( all very enid blyton) but maybe we are very lucky with are school and house staff

[SugarBird]

I was sent off to boarding school at nine and hated it. I remember that we 'older' ones spent a lot of our time giving cuddles and reading stories to the even littler ones (think they started from seven) who were way too young to be there.

I would never send my kids to boarding school - YANBU.

Unless a child/family has extreme special needs that can only be met in a residential/boarding environment, why have kids if you want to send them away?

[marmadukescarlet]

SB that post made my eyes fill, image at nine feeling so responsible for the happiness of a seven yr old.

[largeginandtonic]

DH went to boarding school at 7, he loved it. His sister (18mths older) started and he wanted to go too!

He says he loved and thinks our children would too. I am not sending them though, i couldnt bear to be parted from them.

The twins (almost 10) have asked to go though, think they see it like Harry Potter. All midnight feasts and fun.

[domesticslattern]

Sorry, I think it is child abuse.

I went to boarding school from age 9. At the time, I put on a brave face and, like gabygirl, said I was "fine" at school. Throughout my twenties I said that it taught me independence, to get on with anyone, to sleep anywhere, to get on well in groups etc. Now I believe that I was still putting on a brave face.

After the birth of my DD I suffered atrocious PND, and I put a lot of this down to my boarding school experience. It leads to huge problems with attachment.

My brother also went to boarding school (at 8) and is completely fucked up. He rarely sees my parents now.

I do not send DH to live somewhere else for most of the year, and I will not send DD away either. I had her because I want to get to know her, which involves spending time with her. That means giving her a home and not putting her in an institution.

Your friend OP is presumably still in denial mode, and I seriously doubt that there is much you can do.

[domesticslattern]

I should add that a tape recording of the sound of a dormitory on the second night of term after lights out should be included in all boarding school prospectuses. It basically consists of hours after hours of small children crying for their mummies.

(Not the first night- we all put a brace face on on that night. By the second night reality had hit).

[miffymum]

My father went to boarding school age 7. All he will say about it now - when pushed - is that he missed his mother. He is at heart a kind and generous man but he finds it incredibly difficult to express any kind of emotion. I'm sure this is because of being sent away from home at such a young age.

There may be a very few children for whom boarding school at such a young age is a positive experience. I honestly believe it is hugely damaging for the majority.

[SugarBird]

Domesticslattern - I agree about the recording of dormitory crying! I still struggle with insomnia that started from my very first night at boarding school trying to stay awake so that the morning didn't come.

I recently found a box of my letters home from boarding school and nearly all of them were asking why I couldn't go home and why my parents didn't come to seem me more often. God knows why they kept them as they didn't seem to be that interested at the time but I've put them away again as they brought back such painful memories...

[gabygirl]

I think the question you have to ask yourself is this: are children generally better off spending their formative years in the care of people who love them to bits and who know them through and through, or are they best off being cared for in groups by adults who are being paid to do a job (however well they do it)?

I think most parents of children at my boarding school would have been utterly horrified if they'd known what their children got up to. Under age sex was rife, as was smoking and drinking. Almost all the girls in my dormitory were having sex by 14 or 15. I started having sex at 16 but quickly became very reckless and promiscuous. My parents did find out and were appalled, but my response to them was - you weren't around when I was 12 and 13 and having to cope with life on my own - I'm independent now and I can do what the f*ck I like. My older sister was the same. She became very secretive and rebellious, moved away from my parents at 17 and never moved home again. She has a good relationship with them now, but it's taken years (she's 45 this year).

[pigleto]

dh went to boarding school at 8. He has still not forgiven his parents. When he was nine he ran away from school and tried to get home. He slept overnight in a car he found at the side of the road. When the police found him they took him back to school. His parents didn't even come to see him, they say they were told that it would be bad for him. He would be getting his own way by getting the treat of seeing his mum and dad after this bad behaviour. This experience was, as you can imagine, extremely character forming. Not in a good way mind you.

SIL was sent away at the same age. She says that she enjoyed it. Her school friends exhibit a variety of eating disorders, depression and anxiety though.

[gabygirl]

I've told my mother I think we were damaged by being sent away to school. She won't let me talk about it - she says it's too upsetting for her and that she's too old to dig it all up now (she's in her mid 70's and fit as a fiddle).

I wish she'd just turn around and say 'I'm sorry - it must have been horrible for you. We did what we thought was best at the time but I wish we'd kept you with us'. I know that's what she THINKS, but she won't say it or allow me to talk about it.

[domesticslattern]

Same here gabygirl. My mother is completely unable to connect the fact that she sent both of her children away to boarding school to the fact that neither of her children ring her/ visit her/ want to spend time with her, without it being infested with guilt and duty. She complains and complains at Christmas time that we do not visit or have a close relationship, but it was her who turned us out of the house for 35 weeks a year when we hadn't even hit puberty.

We tried to run away too, my brother repeatedly. Every girl had an eating disorder, and the bullying was horrific.

Schools may now have flowery wallpaper and hamsters in sheds and cocoa and art clubs and midnight feasts and lovely IT facilities. Kids are no longer caned (as my brother was) or made to sleep on the floor of corridors without a duvet (as I was). But at the heart of it is still a message to children: we do not want you in our house.

I do not mince my words on this, sorry if I offend but it is something I feel very strongly about.

[neverknowinglyunderdressed]

I was bullied at school as I imagine many people were, what a relief to come home to my loving family at the end of the day. At boarding school there would be no escape. I think its child cruelty and should be banned.

[SugarBird]

Now I have children of my own, it's even harder to understand how my parents could send me away, as I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids. I too feel extremely strongly about it.

What makes it worse is that my parents used to encourage me to spend some of the holidays with other families.

Now, as an adult (and an only child) I don't spend much time with them beyond a weekly duty phone call and occasional visits. Sad, but the relationship was irrevocably damaged.

They say that they did it to give me independence but actually I think that they couldn't be arsed with the hassle that comes with being parents.

[Guadalupe]

DH was sent at five and he could see his house from the dormitory window. His father and younger brother were very ill but still.

He says he had to stand against the wall on the first night for talking after lights out.

[smugmumofboys]

This thread has made me really sad. I feel for all of you. DH and BIL boarded from 11 and I have to say, they don't have a great relationship with either their parents or each other. It makes me sad. I am constantly badgering DH to phone his parents as otherwise he would go weeks without bothering. That's not to say that I have a fantastic relationship with my folks, but the thought of not contacting them regularly baffles me.

[smugmumofboys]

OMG Guadalupe. That's so sad. Your poor DH. Five years old!

[PoorOldEnid]

dd1s friend (Bruno - if anyone remembers him) has just started at boarding school (he is 8).

I know we must never judge la di la di la

but it really pisses me off

esp as mum doesnt work and he was v happy at fab village school

it is purely, purely for the snob factor

[rebelmum1]

I would say if her mother isn't that bothered with spending time with her she might actually be better off at boarding school. My brother has nannies, he and his wife work full time in demanding careers, both children are under 6 and they plan to leave them with their latest nanny for a month while they go on an extended holiday(they sacked the last nanny on the spot for neglecting the children). His oldest son is starting at state school, he says they are both out of control. I have to be honest I think his ds's would be better off at boarding school. A good school is very concerned for the child's whole wellbeing and is very nurturing with their boarders. They can also offer wonderful activities.