to think seven is too young for boarding school? long!

[nowirehangers]

I honestly would love some people to tell me IABU and explain to me why going to boarding school at seven is not a bad thing because I am truly baffled by this
OK, so dh has an old friend from uni, very sweet guy if a bit screwed up married to a very high achieving wife: head girl, first from Oxford, kick-ass city career etc
She has two dds aged 3 and about four months. When she was pg with her dd1 she made a big deal about how she was going back to work full time and getting a full-time live-in nanny. Fair enough, I thought, as I work part time myself and have a nanny I am certainly not one to judge.
But the other day when chatting at a party about the pros and cons of bringing up dds in London, she said "Well, of course it won't be a problem for us because I'm sending dd1 to boarding school when she's seven"
I thought she was joking and laughed but she went on "No, you see, dh works very long hours and I don't think dd1 will have much fun in the evenings stuck at home with just me and dd2 for company. I think she'll have much more fun at boarding school."
She went on to say she'd started boarding school at eight and loved it and then told me about a friend who'd just sent her ds to boarding school at seven because he found his younger siblings boring and cried whenever his parents went out in the evening saying 'be with me'. They thought he'd be happier surrounded all the time by his contemporaries.
Now am i getting this all wrong? It strikes me seven is WAY too young to be sent away from your parents. The wanting to be with friends all the time thing comes much later, as I recall, and even when it does children still need far more parental input and contact than they think they do.
Or maybe not.
The whole thing seems even screwier in tnat she's always said she wants four dcs, despite - her words - not being maternal - in the slightest. Her dh works ludicrous hours as a lawyer partly because he needs a lucrative career to afford boarding school fees for four. It seems a bit of a catch 22 since she's partly blaming his long hours for the fact the children need to be sent away at the earliest possible opportunity.
I just feel really sad for their sweet little girl. The mum added she'd really miss her but it would be in her daughter's best interests so she'd have to bite her lip and put up with it.
Please someone tell me that going to boarding school so young can be a positive thing and this woman is talking sense. Because right now I think she's a loony and it's really getting me down.

[twinsetandpearls]

I do consider myself to be working class actually gabygirl.

[WilyWombat]

I can see how attending to boarding school may prepare someone to have a successfull career as they perhaps may have a greater ability to separate their emotional needs from their work. I am just not convinced that is necessarily a good thing emotionally as a person

I suspect the children who request boarding school have watched too much Harry Potter

[PoorOldEnid]

twinny you live near me

[Cammelia]

Oh, gabygirl

Has it occurred to you that a child can go to a fantastic senior school where they will get a top class education and enjoy doing activities with their friends and still come home every weekend or so, and spend approx half the year at home with their parents (as there are longer hols in this sector)could be a nice thing to experience???

[katie3677]

My sisters went to boarding school aged 6 and 8, as my parents were abroad with the army. Younger one was extremely happy and has no regrets, oldest one was very unsettled until younger sister joined her at school. I went when I was 9 purely because I wanted to, my parents were out ofthe army by then and I only lived 20 mins from the school, but my parents felt it was only fair to give me the same as my sisters. I loved it and am a real advocate of the independence it gives you growing up. Out of a group of 20 or so close friends at Uni, I was the only one who had been away from home for more than a few nights, travelled etc and I was also the only one who didn't rush home every weekend to have my washing done, be cooked for etc. I was much happier to make my own way.
I think it's a very personal thing and children must be consulted at every step, but it should not be ruled out due to age. There were girls atmy school who started boarding at 4.

[mummyclare]

I went to boarding school in the 80s as my dad was in the army and the alternative would have meant moving schools frequently or in all likelihood boarding in a military school in Germany but seeing them at weekends. I was 10, my sister 7 and my brother 9.

Overall it was a positive experience but I was very homesick to start with. We always understood that it was the best solution under the circumstances and we did have full on attention from my mum at half terms and holidays. (Impossible for her to have much of a career as an army wife). We are now a close family - geographically as well as emotionally. We three kids are perhaps over domesticated and lacking in any travel bug.

I do think we started very young but I'm not sure the time to adjust and enjoy it (about 2 years for me) would necessarily have been shorter if I had been older.

There were odd members of staff as well as some lovely ones - god knows what they were doing in that job. A common enemy does wonders for friendships though.

I remember frequently crying after lights out in my first year or two from being homesick. I think in a way it would have been very wrong if I hadn't been upset. What matters is how homesickness is dealt with.

My sister was very young at seven and mothered by a lot of older girls as a result. Overall I think boarding can provide a happy and stable environment and has a role to play not just for families working all over but also for those going through relationship problems.

[twinsetandpearls]

Enid does your child look whistfully at expensive schools?

We were walking the dog yesterday ( not a good idea probably as I am ill in bed today) and could see the grounds of Bryanston and again dd said " it will be lovely when I go there"

Gaby if my dd ever boards which is unlikely now as we are about to take on a larger mortgage to live down south, it would not be forced it would be her decision. She would probably flexi board and would certainly come home every Friday. I also teach in a fantastic state secondary and would be more than happy for dd to go there and instead spend money on lots of trips.

[twinsetandpearls]

I thought you were down here Enid, is it Sherbourne? Havene't been there yet.

[PoorOldEnid]

yy we are near several

her friends go

but I have told her she can either go there or go to the local comp and have a pony



the comp it is

[twinsetandpearls]

lol we have used the pony one as well, our house also overlooks a riding stable so yet another things she want she can't have!

My grandad is always nagging me about sending her to Milfield ( in the words of Xenia the school for thick rich kids .) as dd is very sporty , ignoring the fact it is an hour away.

[PoorOldEnid]

millfield takes loads of scholarship/bursary kids (as it is incredibly well funded) we have thought about it for dd1

[twinsetandpearls]

Oh I didn't realise you were rich with thick kids as well!

The bursaries is interesting, she has her name down for stonyhurst which also has a fair few scholarships and bursaries.

I am hoping being down here with healthier and more active kids will do her the world of good as she has never had to try at sport.

[gabygirl]

"Has it occurred to you that a child can go to a fantastic senior school where they will get a top class education and enjoy doing activities with their friends and still come home every weekend or so, and spend approx half the year at home with their parents (as there are longer hols in this sector)could be a nice thing to experience???"

Ummmm - can't children go to a fantastic senior school, get a fantastic education and take part in activities with their friends WITHOUT having to be sent away from their families?

But yes - probably half the teenagers in the country would like to be able to get away from their parents. Much easier when it comes to being able to smoke, shag, get pissed and take drugs! Otherwise - where's the benefit? Most children from well off families leave home at 18 for good to go to university anyway and then on to live independent lives once they graduate. Why hoof them out the door a few years earlier than this, unless that is you don't mind spending very little time with them during their formative years and are eager to bring your full-time parenting role to a hasty end.

There was a really moving interview on the radio with Richard Attenborough a few days back. He lost his daughter and grandaughter in the Asian Tsunami. He said that all through his daughter's childhood and early adult life he'd been away working, and had always thought 'there'll be time later' for them to be together. But of course there wasn't because she and her daughter were killed. He said it's the single thing he regrets most in his life. I look at my children and think - they'll be away from home soon enough and who knows what the future holds. I want to be with them - I love them. We all only have a set number of hours with them anyway and to reduce those hours by sending them to be educated away from home? Why? When they'll be gone to university so soon anyway?

[AussieLou]

I went to boarding school at age 13 and loved it. It was the best thing my parents ever did for me. We were only allowed to come home 3 times a term. My sister started boarding at age 11 and she emjoyed it also. I am most definately sending my kids if I can afford (albeit in Australia not the UK). However I have spent the past 2 years working as a housemistress in boarding schools. The young ones were there because their parents were in the forces and were living OS and wanted them to have stability (my thought is what is wrong with international schools until the age of 11 at least)and also the forces paid for some of it. Some were unwanted by their parents and some had poor family situations and some were at school and were paid for by a charity and some because of parents work hours and the kids after school schedules. It is not the awful austere place that it once was. Its not mallory towers either but it can be fun and beneficial for the right child.

[Gateau]

I think ang age is too young for any child to go to boarding school. Hideous.

[Gateau]

ANY age.

[Gateau]

The kids may love it, Aussie, but I would hate it. I want o be a part of my DS's everyday life until he is old enough/wants to leave. That time will probably come quick enough.

[Gateau]

Agree gabygirl - with both your posts.

[mrsruffallo]

Agree with gaby, domesticslattern et al.
The traumatic effect on these children remids me very much of research I read on child evacuees.
Almost all agree that they have real attachment issues and that their relationships with spouses and children have been effected.
Obviuosly there are those that survived the experience, those who were strong enough to be fighters instead of victims, but ultimately they all felt hurt and abandoned.

[mrsruffallo]

Sorry for terrible spelling
I meant child evacueess during the second world war.

[WilyWombat]

Weirdly enought when Millfield was mentioned I thought ..Gabys description "smoke, shag, get pissed and take drugs" fits to a T the behaviour I observed of their pupils..still im sure their parents were confident they were getting a good education!!

[Jux]

My dad was sent at 5 when his mum remarried and they went to live in Mexico City so she could pander to her gambling habit without the bother of a child.

He never went home for holidays, couldn't accept invitations from other boys to spend the hols with them as he couldn't reciprocate, once or twice spent a holiday with an aunt and cousin (cousin resented his presence very badly, so it didn't happen often) and spent most of his holidays in school, where some master had to stay with him, so he was acutely conscious of not being wanted anywhere by anyone.

I am quite sure that this would be an exceptional case, and that most kids would be welcomed at home.

He managed though, lived through it, and I grew up in a very wonderful family, for which I will always be grateful. I must say, that the emotional stuff came mostly from my mum though.

[nowirehangers]

Thanks whoever pointed out as OP I have no intention of saying anything to this woman (she's not my friend she's the wife of dh's friend)
I just can't get in to her mindset at all. Personally I think boarding school from 13 plus is OK IF the child wants it but at seven how can they possibly know what they want?
As Enid said I suspect gross snobbery that this is what People Like US do.

[Cammelia]

Lol at the idea that children who go to day schools DON'T "smoke, shag get pissed and take drugs"

[Cammelia]

People do seem to get very angry at other people's choices